The New Male Sexuality (45 page)

While often thought of as a hole, the vagina is actually a potential space rather than a real space. In the unaroused state its walls are relaxed and touch each other. When sexually excited, the walls balloon out, forming a real space. The space will accommodate itself to fit snugly around whatever object is in it, from the smallest penis to a baby’s head.

The outer third of the vagina, the part closest to the entrance, contains the most nerve endings and probably the only nerves in it that are sensitive to touch. The inner two-thirds are insensitive to touch but are sensitive to pressure and stretch in many women, and the thrusting and distention that occurs during intercourse can be very pleasurable for them.

Women who have no-hands orgasms in intercourse (meaning no simultaneous finger stimulation of the clitoris) seem to do it in one of two ways. One way, already discussed, involves pressing the clitoral area against some part of the man, usually his pubic bone. The other way is solely through vaginal responsivity. These women report having hot spots or particular areas of sensitivity in their vaginas. When stimulated, these spots generate orgasms.
Three researchers caused a stir a few years ago when they gave a label to this sensitive area, calling it the G-spot, and suggested it was a true anatomical structure like the clitoris or nipple. Unfortunately, the evidence for an anatomical structure is shaky unless we want to say that any very responsive place is the G-spot. The vaginally sensitive women I’ve talked to locate the spot in different places in the vagina. Whether it makes any sense to use the term
G-spot
remains to be decided, but the important point is that some women are definitely responsive in their vaginas and do orgasm solely through the thrusting of intercourse.

Most of what was said earlier about sexual response in men also applies to women. As with men, women have many different ways of having a sexual experience.

When a sexually meaningful stimulus is present, an increased volume of blood is pumped into various parts of a woman’s body—including, but not necessarily limited to, the pelvis, breasts, lips, and earlobes—increasing their size and sensitivity to stimulation. Vaginal lubrication, produced by the vaginal walls in a process similar to sweating, begins soon after blood starts flowing into the pelvic region.

There are many parallels between the assumptions we make about erections and their lack in men and vaginal lubrication or its lack in women. Profuse lubrication does not necessarily mean a woman is highly aroused, and little or no lubrication is not necessarily a sign of lack of arousal. A woman colleague who read this chapter in draft form wrote the following:

I don’t think men know enough about what lubrication does and does not mean. They assume lubrication means the woman is turned on and vice versa. This is
not true
! There are times in my menstrual cycle when I’ll be wet all the time and other times when my secretions will be minimal, regardless of how turned on I am. And, to make it more confusing, sometimes I’m dry on the outside when aroused but quite moist inside.

Women also differ tremendously in how much they usually lubricate. Some women lubricate so profusely that they often have the wet panties pornographic writers love to mention. Most women lubricate somewhat less, and other women lubricate very little no matter what time of month it is or how aroused they are. To further complicate matters, lubrication can be very sparse or absent in a woman who has recently given birth or who is nursing, regardless of how turned on she is.

The best way to determine what lubrication or its lack means is talking about it. And whatever you do, don’t make the common mistake of assuming that the woman is ready for intercourse just because her vagina is wet. She may be, and then again she may not be.

The flow of blood to the sexual tissues causes them to enlarge. The breasts, clitoris, and inner and outer vaginal lips puff up. The vagina starts expanding and lengthening at the same time. As stimulation continues, the outer two-thirds of the vagina narrow, creating what Masters and Johnson call the “orgasmic platform.”

As blood flows into it, the clitoris expands in a process similar to penile
erection. It always increases in diameter, but only in some women does it also get longer. As stimulation goes on, the clitoris retracts under its hood. This can come as a great surprise to a man who is stimulating it and now wonders where on earth it went. There’s no need to look for it because you probably won’t find it. Even though not visible, however, the clitoris continues to respond to stimulation of the area around it.

During a woman’s sexual experience, increased muscular tension may be evident in the face, hands, thighs, abdomen, or almost any other place. There may also be involuntary contractions or spasms in the pelvis, buttocks, and elsewhere.

As with men, if the woman is distracted, gets anxious, or starts receiving less than optimal stimulation, her emotional excitement will drop, accompanied by physical changes reflecting the lesser degree of arousal. This is nothing to get concerned about. Reinstating the conditions and activities that led to the higher level of arousal will probably have the same effect again.

Orgasms in men and women are similar both physically and emotionally. In both women and men, orgasm is a reflex that releases the muscular tension and reverses the flow of blood to the erotic areas. The main physical difference is that men ejaculate and women apparently do not. The reason for the qualifier
apparently
in the last sentence is that several sexologists, the same people who brought us the G-spot, have recently claimed that at least some women do ejaculate. They base their claim on the fact that some women expel something when they orgasm, but the exact nature of that something has yet to be determined. Several studies have concluded that it is an involuntary expulsion of urine caused by the contractions of orgasm. At this point, perhaps the fairest thing that can be concluded is that while virtually all men ejaculate something that is not urine, the vast majority of women do not. Emotionally, men and women describe orgasm in similar terms. There is tremendous variation among individual men and individual women, and among different orgasms in the same person.

Not having an orgasm is not a tragedy for either sex. Emotionally, however, it can be something else, depending on the woman’s perceptions. If she feels good about the relationship and believes her partner is interested in her satisfaction, it’s usually no big deal if she doesn’t have an orgasm on any given day. On the other hand, if she feels that the man cares only about his own satisfaction and isn’t willing to do anything for her, there will be problems.

In many women orgasm is accompanied by contractions of the pelvic
muscles, which you may feel if your finger or penis is in the vagina. While some sexologists feel these contractions are the defining characteristic of female orgasm, others argue that orgasms without noticeable contractions are not only possible but common. I side with the second group. Orgasms, like so much else in sex, follow no absolute pattern. There may be evident pelvic contractions or there may not. Only your partner knows if she has had an orgasm.

Men’s orgasms are easier to figure out because we tend to assume that ejaculation means orgasm. If you see the white stuff, that means he came. Since most women don’t expel anything, how can you know? Many men are troubled by not having definitive evidence of their partner’s orgasm. In fact, it is one of their most common questions about female sexuality: How can you tell if she came? The only way to determine for certain is to ask her. But a lot depends on the circumstances and how the question is asked. Some women respond angrily or anxiously because they feel they are being tested or put in a position of having to prove themselves. In a stable relationship, of course, it should be possible to tell your partner that you’re interested in her satisfaction and want to know when and how she orgasms. But in newer relationships, perhaps the best question is something like “Is there anything special you want?” or “Is there something I can do for you?” Or perhaps a simple statement that you are interested in her satisfaction and would be happy to hear about anything she wants would work.

But beware of becoming too involved with the issue of her orgasms. She didn’t hire you to be her sex therapist. We all prefer to be given what we need and want, not what someone else thinks we should want. Women, more than men, tend to evaluate sex in terms of feelings rather than performance. If a woman feels good about what happened, whether or not it included a noisy orgasm or any orgasm at all, let her keep the good feeling.

The issue of how many orgasms a woman can or should have has become important since Masters and Johnson demonstrated that some women in their laboratory could have more than one orgasm in a relatively short period of time with continued stimulation. As word of this possibility spread, some men got the idea that their lovers needed to have strings of orgasms, and some women began to feel inadequate because they can’t even have one orgasm or can have only one.

The fact is that while some women, and we have no idea how many, can have multiple orgasms, many cannot, and even many who can are often
satisfied with just one or even none. If your partner likes to have several orgasms in one session, that’s nice, but no nicer and no more proof of anything than if she has only one or none on a particular occasion. The only reason for having more than one orgasm is that it feels good and right at the time—unless you or she is training for the orgasm Olympics. If your partner desires continued stimulation to have another orgasm, you are free to decide whether or not you want to participate in the process.

The last part of a sexual experience is basically the same in men and women. It is simply a return to the unaroused state. The swelling in the genitals and other areas decreases as blood flows away from them, the muscles becomes relaxed, and the organs and tissues return to their normal positions. This process occurs more quickly if there has been an orgasm than if there has not. Sometimes, if there has been high arousal and no orgasm, a woman’s return to the unaroused state can take more than a few minutes and there may be some discomfort. Masturbating to orgasm can bring relief, if it is desired.

As already indicated, men and women display somewhat divergent tendencies after sex is over. Many men either immediately go to sleep or leap into some other activity, whereas many women like to cuddle, talk, and in other ways continue being together.

PHYSICAL STIMULATION

On to physical stimulation, which leads to a caveat:
The only real expert on how and where she wants to be stimulated is your partner
. No matter what I say, no matter what you have read, no matter what worked with another partner, no matter what worked for her on another occasion, if your partner says she wants something different, try to do it without hesitation or comment.

The best way to find out what your partner likes is to get a guided tour of her genitals. I think every partner, male and female, should get such a tour early in the relationship, yet, as far as I can determine, most people never do. You might want to see if you can get one. The situation will be clinical, and it should be. She should introduce you to her sexy places and tell or show you how she likes them stimulated, and answer any questions you have. You should reciprocate then or at another time with a similar tour of your genitals.

Of course, it doesn’t hurt to have some ideas of your own as long as
you’re willing to abide by her feedback. The important thing is to get the two of you exploring, experimenting, and talking.

There are several almost foolproof principles. You have much to gain and very little to lose by following them.

Establish an ongoing erotic connection with your partner
. Read or reread and start applying the information in
Chapters 7
through
14
about talking and listening to your partner and lavishing compliments and appreciations on her, as well as affectionate touches. Unless you do this, the material in the rest of the chapter will not have as much benefit as it could.

Keep connected to the person who owns the parts you’re messing with
. Looking into your partner’s eyes at times and expressing yourself with words and sounds are helpful in this regard. Also helpful is kissing on the mouth. Most women adore this kind of kissing and can’t get enough. Take a break now and then from her breasts and genitals and give her a passionate kiss.