The New Male Sexuality (44 page)

RESISTANCE, FEAR, AND UNCERTAINTY

Some degree of resistance can heighten arousal (and desire as well). One problem in long relationships is that sex is too easy. You can pretty much have it when and how you want. Although this is convenient, it can lead to boredom. Contrast this to the situation most of us were in when we were younger and dating. There was resistance from our family and society (you’re not supposed to be doing this) and maybe from a partner as well (we shouldn’t be doing this yet). Most people agree that such resistance increased arousal.

This is why being sexual where you’re not supposed to be (say in the bedroom next to your parents’ when you and your girlfriend are visiting them, or in a public place like a parking lot or an airplane) is so exciting. This is also why role-playing where your partner pretends to be uninterested or resistant in some way can be so exciting. Violating prohibitions and overcoming obstacles make our blood boil, so to speak.

Uncertainty plays a role as well. In the role-playing example I gave above, for example, my partner was pretending to resist, one result of which was that I wasn’t sure how far I would actually get. The lack of certainty helped drive my arousal up off the charts.

Anxiety can also heighten passion. Although anxiety can have serious negative consequences for sexual functioning, at least one kind of fear—the fear of being discovered—can actually make us more aroused. This plays a part when we have sex in public places. You have to be careful with
this, of course. If you have sex in a bedroom or bathroom of someone else’s home where a party is going on and are discovered, you will have to live with the consequences. But if you can lock the door and make sure no one knows for certain what you’re doing, you may find your arousal breaks all your records.

One couple I interviewed regularly used resistance, uncertainty, and fear of discovery to enhance their lovemaking. Whenever they went to a party, for example, they’d look for a room—bathroom, bedroom, pantry, basement—where they could have a quickie. They dressed appropriately, with clothes that allowed easy access to the genitals and usually with neither of them wearing underwear. Once in the room of their choice, they’d do a role-play. A favorite scene was where they pretended they were strangers and he was trying to seduce her while she resisted (and sometimes they reversed roles; she came on to him but he was reluctant because his “wife” was in the next room). To heighten what was already a very high turn-on, either or both might say that they thought they heard someone coming, someone turning the doorknob, the door opening slightly, and so on. This may or may not be your cup of tea, but I know this couple has had a passionate sex life through their twenty-two years of marriage and neither one has had an affair.

ENHANCING ORGASM

Since orgasm is just the extreme form of arousal, everything in this chapter can help make it more intense.

If you believe your orgasms aren’t as exciting as they could be, if they are significantly more intense with masturbation than in partner sex, or if a partner has mentioned that you seem unexpressive or to be holding yourself back, be aware of what you’re doing the next few times you orgasm. Some men do seem to be keeping themselves in check by restricting their breathing, movements, and sounds. If this is true of you and you want to do something about it, start letting yourself be a bit more expressive. Focus on the pleasurable sensations and let your body move as it desires, let yourself breathe (very important under any circumstances), and let some sounds come out. Don’t try to let go of all your controls at once. Make small changes in one area at a time. If embarrassment is an issue, you might want to start being more expressive in masturbation before you do so with a partner. Gradually relax more of your controls and see if you experience fuller orgasms.

Another method for increasing orgasm intensity (and sexual feeling in general) is by strengthening the pelvic muscles by doing Kegel exercises, named for the man who invented them. I have been using this exercise with clients for almost twenty years and have received numerous reports of greater sensation in the pelvis (including the penis), greater desire and arousal, and more powerful orgasms.

EXERCISE 15-2: KEGELS

Time Required: A few minutes a day

First you need to get in touch with your pelvic muscles. The best way of doing this is to pretend you are in danger of urinating or having a bowel movement but that you need to control this until you can reach a toilet. The muscles you squeeze to hold things in are the ones we are interested in
.

The exercise itself is quite simple. Start by squeezing and releasing the muscles fifteen times, twice each day. Don’t hold the contraction; just squeeze and let go. At first you may also be squeezing your stomach and thigh muscles. A few days of practice should allow you to isolate the pelvic muscles and squeeze only them. You can do the exercise unobtrusively anywhere: while driving a car, watching TV, reading the paper, during a meeting, and so on. It works best if you pair the exercise with something you do every day—for example, doing Kegels each time you get on the freeway ramp or each time you read the paper. That way you’ll automatically do them whenever the event occurs
.

Gradually increase the number of squeezes until you’re doing about seventy-five, two times each day
.

When you reach that number, you may want to do a variation: Instead of immediately releasing the contraction, hold it for a count of three, then relax and repeat. These are a bit more difficult. Work up to about fifty of these long Kegels. If you like, you can do one set of short Kegels and one set of long Kegels each day
.

Continue doing Kegels for at least six weeks. Results usually aren’t noticeable for a month or more. As you continue with them, they will become automatic and require no conscious attention or effort
.

Squeezing your pelvic muscles when you’re having an erotic fantasy, when you’re being sexually stimulated, and when you’re having intercourse can increase pelvic sensation and help turn you on. Some men have reported squeezing and holding the contraction just before orgasm. They
say it holds off orgasm for a few seconds and makes it more powerful. Feel free to experiment as you see fit.

More than anything else, arousal is what drives good sex. It
is
the spark. It is also the cornerstone of a sexuality based on pleasure rather than on performance. If you want more exciting and more satisfying sex, go for greater arousal.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Sexually Stimulating a Woman

This chapter is my response to the requests of many clients and workshop participants and also letters and e-mails from a number of men who asked for more explicit information on sexually stimulating their partners. I can’t cover everything here, but the feedback I received suggests the following ideas were helpful. In other places in the book I have talked about kissing and hugging. This chapter focuses primarily on genital stimulation.

FEMALE SEXUAL ANATOMY AND RESPONSE

First, let’s check out the territory. Although male and female genitals develop from the same basic structures, they end up looking quite different. The external genitalia of a woman are illustrated in
Figure 7
. Of course, women’s genitals, just like men’s, differ in many ways—size, color, placement—but the figure will do for our purposes.

The clitoris is unique in having no function other than giving sexual pleasure. Men have nothing quite like it, since the penis also serves as an organ of elimination. Aside from that, however, the penis and clitoris are similar. Even though the exposed part of the clitoris is small, it is as richly
endowed with nerve endings as the head of your penis and is therefore very sensitive to stimulation.

Figure 7: External female genitals

The clitoris is for most women the site of their most intense pleasure. When women masturbate, they typically do so by rubbing the clitoris, which is so sensitive in many women that they prefer stimulation to the right or left of it rather than actually on it. Rarely do they insert anything into the vagina. By now it is widely accepted that clitoral stimulation is what leads to orgasm in most women.

Some men don’t like this idea. They, like Freud, believe that the vagina should be the core of female pleasure and that women should have orgasms in intercourse, just like men. Freud thought that in a mature woman the sensitivity of the clitoris was somehow “transferred” to the vagina. Just how this magical transfer was supposed to take place was something he never bothered to spell out. But his theory was sufficient to make many women feel inadequate because this metamorphosis did not occur and they could not have so-called vaginal orgasms.

The clitoris rarely gets direct stimulation in intercourse. It is difficult for a penis to be in the vagina and touching the clitoris at the same time. To accomplish this in most positions would require an L-shaped penis, which became extinct at the same time as the dodo. As the penis moves in and out of the vagina, however, it tugs on the vaginal lips, which are attached to the hood of the clitoris, and therefore provides indirect stimulation to the clitoris. But this stimulation is insufficient to produce orgasm in most women.

The clitoris can be stimulated in a more direct fashion by rubbing it against the man’s pubic bone. This can be achieved in the woman-on-top position if she leans forward far enough and also in the man-on-top position if the man positions himself high enough so that his pubic bone presses against his lover’s clitoral area. However, such contact is often difficult to maintain during intercourse. Even if maintained, it does not necessarily provide sufficient stimulation to allow the woman to orgasm.

If the woman wants to orgasm in intercourse, one option is to have her or her lover stimulate her clitoral area with a finger or two during penile thrusting. No matter what position is being employed, someone’s fingers are usually free for this. Doing it this way is a lot easier and usually more efficient than any other alternatives.

The outer lips of the vagina are covered with pubic hair. The inner lips are closer to the vaginal opening and are usually closed. When the woman spreads her legs, they part, exposing the urethra and vaginal opening. Both the outer and inner lips are sensitive to touch in most women, although such stimulation in itself is unlikely to produce orgasm.

Although I’ve already made a number of statements about what is and is not likely to lead to orgasm, I should add a qualification. Erogenous zones and orgasms vary from woman to woman. While what I’ve said is true of most women, there are others who are different. Some women can orgasm through stimulation of areas other than the clitoris, vagina, or breasts, a few through breast stimulation alone, and a much smaller number solely by means of fantasy. While on the subject of differences among women, it’s important to add that these differences apply to breasts as well as other body parts. Although most men find touching, licking, sucking, and otherwise stimulating a female breast to be exciting, there are some women who do not derive much pleasure from having their breasts stroked or touched. They don’t mind it and are happy if their men enjoy doing it, but it doesn’t arouse them. And virtually every woman, no matter what her usual breast responsivity, has times during her menstrual cycle when her breasts are too sensitive to be touched.