The New Male Sexuality (39 page)

Therapist Dan Wile makes the important point that trying to find a way to agree is useful because it counteracts our natural tendency in such situations to distort in the direction of disagreeing. Agreeing with what you can agree with focuses on the similarities between you and your partner rather than on the differences. This can put both of you into a more relaxed and positive frame of mind, so you can better work on what you truly disagree about.

APOLOGIZE

Just as there is incredible power in agreeing with your accuser, there is incredible power in apologizing for something you did wrong or for the hurt you caused. But many of us men have difficulty saying “I’m sorry.” We’ve had little permission to acknowledge errors and to apologize. It makes us feel weak and less manly, and that’s unfortunate.

If apologizing is hard for you, you might want to consider doing something about it. When you feel you were wrong, when you feel you hurt someone, you should draft an apology in your mind, rehearse it, and then consider if you want to give it. No matter how awkward you feel, I think
you’ll be pleased with the results. And try to remember that there is nothing weak about apologizing. It takes a strong person to be able to say he’s made a mistake or feels bad for what he’s done.

Apologies are often parts of agreeing with your partner (“You’re right, I was late. I’m sorry”) and making U-turns (“I’m sorry I got so defensive. I can understand why you’re angry”). The apology validates what she has been saying (that you were late, that you hurt her feelings, and so on), and this automatically puts her in a much better frame of mind.

Although it’s essential to be able to apologize for your behavior, there is at least one circumstance where an apology not only won’t satisfy your partner but may actually inflame her further. This occurs when you continually do the same offensive thing and continually apologize for it. She will—correctly—believe that you’re just using apologies as a way to contain her anger, and this will make her angrier.

Each of us at times treats our loved ones badly and each of us at times hurts the ones we love. I think a strong man is one who recognizes these facts and quickly apologizes for the harm and hurt he has caused.

REPAIR ATTEMPTS AND U-TURNS

One of the main differences between happy and unhappy couples, according to John Gottman’s research, is that while happy couples experience conflict and bad feelings just like everyone else, they quickly repair the damage, and this usually means making a U-turn.

In driving, a U-turn consists of turning around and going back the way you came after realizing you were going the wrong way. In conversations, a U-turn is slightly different; here you head off in any new direction once you realize that the way you are going is leading to trouble. You are trying to repair the rift that is developing.

Anytime you are aware that one of you is being defensive, that you’re getting sidetracked by issues of right and wrong, or that the conversation is getting out of control, consider a U-turn. A U-turn has the advantage of allowing the discussion to continue without interruption. If it works, you may not need a time-out.

A U-turn can be almost anything that puts the conversation back on a better plane. One example we just covered: Stop defending yourself and agree with the portion of your partner’s comments that you can agree with. Apologizing for something you did is another kind of U-turn, as is apologizing for being defensive.

One day in my office a man was trying to express his anger over his wife’s sharing information about his sexual preferences with her best friend. What he said was, “You always tell Katie everything.” She, of course, immediately started to defend against his overly general terminology, the “always” and “everything.” He then felt the need to justify his use of those terms. Both were getting angrier by the second, and the conversation was drifting further and further away from reality. A repair attempt could have easily rectified the situation. He could have said, for example: “I’m sorry, I used the wrong words. Let me take back ‘always’ and ‘everything.’ I’m just angry that you told her about my liking for anal sex. I’m afraid she’ll tell her husband and he’ll kid me about it.”

Now we’re dealing with the real issue and can go on with the conversation. But this was almost lost as they started to get into a dispute over whether she tells Katie everything. It’s sad, as in this case, when lovers get into conflict over trivia and lose sight of the real concerns.

Anything positive, anything conciliatory, can be effective in repairing the damage and setting the two of you on a better course. Something I once did is a good example. My sweetie and I were getting into a heavy argument, when I blurted out, “I’m sad we’re banging at each other like this. I love you so much.” She responded by saying how much she loved me, too, and that broke the ice. After a long hug, we were able to discuss the problem—which, of course, was so important that I can’t even recall what it was—in a much more constructive way.

A client I saw recently told me that he’s often able to soothe himself and his partner in the midst of a dispute by saying simply, “I wish we could get back to the loving couple we were this morning.”

UNDERSTANDING AND FORGIVING YOUR PARTNER

We now move to a special kind of situation, when you believe that your partner has said or done something so heinous that you’re entirely justified in your ugly feelings toward her, or when you just don’t know how to let go of them. The first thing that usually comes to people’s minds when I bring this up is the situation where the partner has had an affair. But it comes up in lots of other ways as well: a name she called you or a belittling remark, making a decision without consulting you, and so on. It’s possible you may need to forgive her before you can move on. We don’t hear much about forgiving these days, but I have found it to be wonderfully beneficial. Basically it means saying, “Even though I don’t like what you did or
said, I’m willing to let go of my hurt, my anger, and my desire to get back at you. I want our relationship to work, so I want to let bygones be bygones and get on with our lives.”

Unfortunately, it may not be that simple. You may find that you can’t simply forgive, that you need something from her in order to forgive her.

Take as much time as you need to consider what it would take for you to be able to forgive. Maybe you need an apology, or you need her to explain in detail why she did what she did so that you can understand it better, or maybe you need her to promise not to say or do it again. Or it may be something else entirely. Whatever it is, write it down and put it away for a few days. Then come back to what you wrote and see if it still sounds right. Next, spend a few moments imagining that she does what you want. How do you feel about that? Can you then forgive her and let go of the feelings you’ve been carrying? If the answer is no or you’re not sure, consider again what you need to forgive her. Maybe there’s something else.

Forgiving is usually easier if you can understand the action from her point of view. This exercise can help.

EXERCISE 13-1: UNDERSTANDING AND DEFENDING WHAT YOUR PARTNER DID

The idea behind this exercise is very simple. You are going to act as your partner’s defense attorney. She is on trial for the behavior that bothers you (something she said or did). You are her attorney and have to persuade the jury (really you) that what she did was, if not right, at least understandable and reasonable. You are to make as strong a case for her as possible. Although it may be hard to believe right now, the stronger the case you make for her, the better it will be for you
.

You will need lots of empathy to do the exercise properly. You’ll have to set your own feelings aside and see the situation as much as possible from her point of view. And you can feel free to interview her to get information about how she saw the situation and how she felt
.

The main mistake people make with this exercise is being cavalier about it. Doing it properly will take over a hour and perhaps several hours. You want to marshal all the evidence and put together a strong case for her. When you have all this in order, there are three options for presenting it: write or type the argument (at least a page long); speak it into a tape recorder (several minutes long); or present it orally to her or a third party such as a friend
.

No one I’ve presented this exercise to has been enthusiastic at first. But it’s a powerful technique. A number of my clients have discovered what a good deal of social-psychological research shows: It does result in changed attitudes.

CONSIDER WRITING A NOTE

Things can get to the point where discussion is impossible. Bad feelings arise whenever a certain subject is broached, and fights quickly ensue. Or perhaps you believe that you haven’t been able to adequately express something important. If either of these things is happening in your relationship, writing a note may help.

The primary advantage for the writer is that you get to say exactly what you want to say. You can write as many drafts of your statement as you want, perhaps getting help from a friend or therapist, until it’s just how you want it. And you don’t have to be worried about getting distracted and forgetting to include something, or getting upset because of your partner’s response and saying things you’ll later regret. Yet another advantage is that you can anticipate your partner’s objections and address them without the risk of getting into a squabble over them.

The main advantage to your partner is that she gets to read your note at her leisure and can digest the message without having to respond immediately. That can greatly cut down on defensive behavior.

There is one potential shortcoming of notes you should be aware of. When we talk, a great deal gets communicated nonverbally. Tone, inflection, facial expressions, and body posture can soften or strengthen the words. On paper, the words are all you get. What in a conversation would have been expressed by a look or a tone needs to be put into words in a note. So if you’re not being critical or if you’re feeling love or sadness or whatever, remember that the reader of the note won’t know it unless you expressly say so.

You don’t have to be a writer to write the kind of note I’m talking about. Literary elegance is not what it’s about. Clarity of expression and consideration for how to best say what you want to get across are. The less fancy and eloquent you try to be, the better.

The best way I know of writing a note is to take some uninterrupted time, get a fix in your head of what you want to say, grab a pencil or sit down at the computer, and then just write without stopping to make any corrections or changes. Just get it all out. Later on, you can go over what
you’ve written as many times as you desire, keeping in mind the principles of assertive communication
this page
, and make all the changes you want. When you’ve pretty much gotten the note as you want it, make sure to put in an introductory comment about why you’re sending a note. Here is an example of the first few lines of a note written by a client of mine to his lover:

Dear Marcy:

I love you dearly and want more than anything for our relationship to be as happy and satisfying as possible. Most aspects seem fine, but sex continues to be an issue. Since we haven’t been able to talk about this without getting into fights, I’m trying writing. I’d be happy to hear your response, in person or in a note, as soon as you’re ready.

It is best not to be present when your partner reads your note. Let her choose how and when to respond.

CONSIDER PROFESSIONAL HELP

Since I make my living doing therapy, it is probably self-serving for me to suggest that you seek help from me or my colleagues. Yet regardless of what it may do for me, consider that
it has been estimated that less than one percent of divorced couples had ever had couples therapy. Also consider the finding of a recent study that of couples who do get therapy,
it tends on the average to be six years (that’s not a misprint) after they detect serious marital difficulties. The longer they wait, of course, the longer the therapy will take and the smaller the chance that it will be effective.

I hope you can use the material I have presented in this and the preceding chapters to your benefit. But if you try them and they don’t help, consider getting professional assistance. Couples therapy and sex therapy need not be long or drawn-out. Sometimes just one, two, or three sessions can help. And sometimes it may take several months. But isn’t your relationship worth that kind of investment?

“I liked what you said earlier about asserting yourself, but now you seem to be contradicting yourself. Understand your partner, agree with her criticisms, apologize to her, write her love notes—just give in and make nice to her. It all sounds so weak and wimpy.”

I agree it can sound like that and that many men have trouble with
these parts. You’re not the first to see it this way. The important thing, I think, is not so much how something sounds but how well it works. There is a great deal of power in these methods. My experience is that following the ideas in this and the preceding chapters does
not
reduce assertiveness or result in men feeling weak or wimpy. On the contrary, men report feeling stronger because they have more control over conversations that they previously felt helpless to influence. They also report more harmonious and satisfying interactions with their lovers. Whatever doubts remain, I would ask you to put it to the test. Give these methods and ideas a trial for a fair period of time, say a month or two, and then come to your own conclusions.

I like the ideas in this and the preceding chapters not only because they work so well but also because of the powerful metamessage they send to your partner. You are in effect saying: “I care so much for you and what we have that I’m willing to do what’s hard for me, to tell you what goes on inside of me. I’m also willing to listen to what’s going on with you, even when it hurts and even when you talk in anger and exaggerate, and to try to work problems out. I’m willing to apologize when I’ve wronged or hurt you, and when I say I’ll do or not do something, you can count on it. If doing our very best doesn’t get us where we want to go, I’m willing to swallow my pride and go with you to see if professional counseling will do the trick.” This is a very caring, very loving kind of message, and it can only result in better, more satisfying relationships. Such sentiments are also, I think, the mark of a civilized human being.