The New Male Sexuality (35 page)

This does not mean you have to forgo giving advice entirely. Offering
practical advice is something many men are good at and many women appreciate. But it’s crucial to listen carefully first. She may be especially interested in what you have to say now that she believes you have all the essential information.

HOW
NOT
TO LISTEN

Following these rules is guaranteed to enrage your partner and to cause serious damage to your relationship.

Let her know you don’t want to listen. Tell her that you have better things to do, complain that you don’t want to listen to the same old stuff again, or ask, “Do we have to talk about this?”

When you do get around to listening, do it halfheartedly. Keep glancing at the TV or at a newspaper as your partner talks. This will let her know that you aren’t interested and are hoping she’ll finish as soon as possible.

Interrupt frequently with irrelevant questions and topics. This will reinforce her sense of not being taken seriously.

Make lots of judgments about what she’s saying. Tell her she’s having the wrong feelings, that she’s not being logical, that she’s misread the situation, that she’s handling it wrong, and so on.

Give unrequested advice. Tell her exactly what she should do to resolve the problem.

The key to effective listening is what’s called empathy: the ability to understand what’s being said from the talker’s point of view. This requires that you try to get into her shoes and see it from her perspective, not from your own. You might want to recall an experience where you expressed something and the other person seemed to understand exactly what it was like for you. Wasn’t that a powerful experience, and didn’t it give you a feeling of comfort and freedom? The comfort results simply from having the understanding. Humans need that. The sense of freedom comes from not having to defend or justify what you’ve said. It’s been accepted, and that frees you to explore the issue further, to come up with solutions, or just to leave it alone. That’s what everyone wants.

RULES OF EFFECTIVE LISTENING

1. Remember that your one and only job while listening is to understand
her
experience, feelings, attitude, or point of view
. While listening, your point of view is not relevant. You can express your side later if you want, but only after you’ve understood what she is saying.

2. Give her your full attention
. Turn off the TV, put away any materials you have in your hands, and look at your partner. This is very important, because it gives her a sense of being listened to and helps cut down on anger and defensiveness.

3. Ask questions to encourage her, to help her along, and also to gain clarification for yourself
. For example, ask, “How did you feel about that?” or “What happened next?” When we are asked questions about an event we are relating, it not only helps but also assures us of the listener’s interest. Other ways of encouraging her to continue include “Oh,” “I see,” “Mmm,” and similar sounds, and gestures like nodding or touching her.

Asking questions about her experience can also defuse tension and hostility. Most of us are accustomed to hearing denials and angry statements when we’re lodging a protest or criticism; anticipating such responses adds to our anxiety and anger. But when we are greeted with something like “Can you say more about what I did that upset you?” a lot of the negative feelings evaporate.

4. Try to understand the feeling behind what she’s saying as well as the content
. She may tell you directly (for example, “I’m so angry [or upset or disappointed or sad]”) or you will get clues from what she says, her tone of voice, and her demeanor. If you’re not sure what emotion she had or has, ask: “How did that make you feel?” or “What was that like for you?”

5. Demonstrate your understanding
. Perhaps the best way is by acknowledging and validating her feelings: “I can see why you’re so angry” or “That’s really frustrating” or “That’s so annoying.” It’s important that you acknowledge the feelings
she’s
having, not the ones you’re having. If you talk about your feelings at this point, you’re taking attention away from her, and that will probably make her upset.

There’s no question whatever that these rules are hard to follow. Even the best listeners don’t always apply all of them. Despite that, they are important.
The more of them you use, and the more often you use them, the better listener you will be.

Here’s an example of how
not to
do it:

HER
: I’m so upset, I feel like quitting my job. Fred got on my case because the Jones report wasn’t done today, even though it’s not due till next week.

YOU
: Fred’s an asshole, and you should tell him what to do with his report.

This is risky because you’re unnecessarily interjecting yourself into her situation. She may not think Fred’s an asshole and may resent your giving advice she hasn’t asked for. You are not seeing the situation from her perspective.

Another way of
not
doing it would be like this: “I’m sure Fred will realize his mistake and it’ll all be okay tomorrow.” This doesn’t work because the hidden message in your statement is that she’s having the wrong feelings: She shouldn’t be upset. This is not likely to make her feel understood.

Here’s a better way:

HER
: I’m so upset, I feel like quitting my job.

YOU
: You’re really upset. What happened? [simply acknowledging her feeling and encouraging her to continue]

HER
: Fred got on my case because the Jones report wasn’t done today, even though it’s not due till next week.

YOU
: That’s enough to upset anyone. [validating her feeling]

HER
: It wouldn’t have been so bad except that he did it in front of Lucy and Jane. It was embarrassing to be scolded in front of them.

YOU
: Wow. That really made it worse. [again, just acknowledging what she’s saying]

HER
: Yeah, it was pretty bad. But I feel a little better now. [followed by a silence]

YOU
: Have you decided what you want to do about this? [gives her encouragement to express any plans she’s considered, but also allows her to say that she’s been too upset to consider what to do]

HER
: I think I need to talk to Fred. Usually he’s fine, but he gets so stressed out by deadlines that he loses it and acts like an ass.… Yeah, I definitely need to talk to him about this.

YOU
: Sounds like you have a plan. [acknowledging her plan]

In this example, you didn’t seem to do a lot. Yet chances are she’ll feel it was a good discussion and will be grateful to you for listening. She got something off her chest and decided on a plan of action. You helped facilitate it without judgments, without interference, without giving advice. What you did may have been what allowed her to come up with her plan.

Some people wonder why it’s okay for the woman to call Fred an ass but not okay for the man to call him an asshole. The reason is simple: It’s her show—she can call him anything she wants. But it’s not your job to tell her what Fred is or isn’t.

The best way to become a better listener is to practice listening as often as possible, employing the above rules as much as you can. Opportunities for listening are usually close to hand. Someone is always trying to say something to you: your lover, child, boss, colleague, a customer or client, someone sitting next to you on the plane or bus, and so on.

EXERCISE 12-1: LISTENING

When you feel like it, but at least twice each day, make it a point to really listen for a few minutes. It might be when you know someone is going to talk to you—a client is coming in at ten o’clock to discuss a problem, or your partner says you need to talk—or when someone has already starting talking to you. Your goal is simply to try to understand what is said from the speaker’s point of view. So put on your listening hat and apply the principles suggested earlier
.

If you are someone who listens better at work than elsewhere, you want to discover how to transfer your work skills to a different environment. When you’re going to listen to someone not connected with work, find a way of getting into your best listening mode. There may be some behavior connected with your work listening mode that you can use; perhaps you have a way of clearing your mind of other things. If so, then do the same mind clearing before listening to your lover or child. Another way is simply to tell yourself, “I want to listen to June the same way I listen to our largest customer.” These aids may seem awkward at first, but they get much more comfortable and effective with regular practice
.