The New Male Sexuality (32 page)

Can you ask her how she likes to be stimulated?

Can you say clearly that you want to stop in the middle of a sexual event?

Can you initiate a conversation with her about things in your sex life you’d like to be different?

Can you, when there is disagreement, understand the validity of her position as well as your own and work toward a resolution that satisfies both of you?

If you answered yes to some or all of these questions, I have another one for you. Can you say and do these things in ways that do not leave her
feeling blamed, disliked, humiliated, or undesirable? If you can honestly answer yes, you are one of the fortunate few. These are situations that men find difficult to handle. If you have trouble with any of these items, you could benefit from developing your assertiveness skills—so as to get more of what you need, not go along with things that make you uncomfortable, and do so in ways that do not intimidate or crush your partner.

Assertiveness is not rudeness, bullying, or aggression
. Being assertive does not mean that you won’t consider your partner’s needs or satisfy her. It does mean, however, that you are going to pay serious attention to your own needs. It does mean that you will express your desires directly and try to get what you want.

So often in sex today the situation is that each partner is focused primarily on satisfying the other one. Each is looking out for the other and neither is taking care of his or her own needs. A lot of mind reading and guesswork is involved. No one wants to appear selfish, which we’ve all been taught is a very bad thing. While such altruism may sound virtuous, the result is usually somewhat less than satisfying for both participants. If both could start paying more attention to getting their own needs met—a little selfishness, if you like—sex would be much better for both.

When people become more assertive, they tend to get more of what they want and to be happier as a result. One additional benefit in sex is that people who are more assertive are more turned on, which feels good not only to themselves but to their partners as well.

THE ISSUE OF ENTITLEMENT

Some men don’t feel they are entitled to get what they want. This has been said before, but usually about women. The fact is that many men have exactly the same problem. Part of this comes from the performance or work ethic: A man is someone who does what he’s supposed to do. No one said that taking time for yourself or enjoying yourself was part of being male. Now that we have a new rule in sex—the man’s primary job is to satisfy his partner—there’s an additional reason to focus on her enjoyment rather than your own.

You have every right to be assertive. You have every right to try to get your relationship as you want it and to try to have sex when you want, where you want, and how you want—provided, of course, that you go about this in ways that honor your partner and allow her to have her own preferences and opinions.

If you think this sounds self-centered or selfish, ask yourself why. Why don’t you have the right to say what pleases you? What’s selfish about that? What’s wrong with a man telling his partner that he’d like to go out more (or less) with friends, that he’d like sex on the floor (or on the sofa or in the car), that he’d like this kind of stimulation or that?

See if you can get yourself into a mind-set where you realize that being assertive not only is
not
bad but is actually good for you, your partner, and your relationship. In the traditional model of masculinity, assertiveness was a given; it was assumed a man would stand up for himself and get what he needed. I think this is one part of the old model we need to keep. There’s very little to say against it and a great deal in its favor. Many women are trying to be more assertive. I think that’s good for them and for us. But we need to respond with our own assertiveness. That way, each of us can look out for him-or herself
and
the other, thus creating healthy relationships.

“I JUST CAN’T DEAL WITH HER”

An important reason that men aren’t assertive in their relationships is that they simply don’t know how to deal with their partners. Here are two examples.

No matter how I put it, whenever I say that I want something, she takes it as a criticism and cries. I can’t handle that, so I try to comfort her and get things back to where they were. I either forget what I was trying to get or just give up on it.

My impression is that when I’ve asked for something, she starts talking about something she’s not getting. I feel criticized and am happy to drop the whole subject before we get into a fight.

Many of the men I work with hadn’t even tried to get what they wanted. They feared the consequences illustrated in these examples and didn’t want to risk finding out if they were right.

Notice that underlying both of the statements is the fear that being assertive will make matters worse. There’s no question that going after what you want can make matters worse, at least for a while. But there’s no necessary link here, no reason assertiveness has to make things worse, and certainly no reason why things should usually get worse.

“BUT I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT”

A great many men, in discussing assertiveness, come up with this: “I don’t know what to ask for; I don’t know what I want.” My response is that saying you don’t know what you’d like to do tonight or on your day off, where you want to travel, or what kind of sexual stimulation provides you with the most pleasure is an interesting kind of statement to be making about yourself. If you don’t know the answers to the questions, you can find them. All you really need to do is pay attention and use your mind. Try different things (in your mind if you can’t try them in reality without great cost or effort) and see what feels best. That’s all there is to it.

Regarding sex, you can also use your imagination to help determine the kinds of things you might like. What kinds of acts and stimulation do you use in your favorite fantasies? Do you want to try any of these with your partner? Try different things with her. You can touch her here and there, this way and that way, and get her to do the same for you. You can try this act and that one. You can try it in the living room, the dining room, the kitchen, and the hallway. Find out what you like best.

“BUT MEN ARE ALREADY TOO SELFISH”

Some women object to my thesis that men need to be more assertive. Their argument is that men are selfish and always get what they want while the women don’t get anything. I think the problem is that we’re talking about two different groups. There’s no question that some men, like Hank, are too self-centered, are too aggressive and demanding, and barely even recognize that their partners also have needs. They need to learn to be more sensitive to their partners and become more assertive rather than aggressive. But there’s also no question that a great many men, like Roger, are far less assertive than is good for them. Both the Rogers and the Hanks of this world can benefit from becoming more assertive and either less passive or less aggressive.

TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF

Asserting yourself is part of a larger idea: being good to or taking care of yourself. We men are always so busy doing our tasks and performing that
we rarely take sufficient time to get what we need and enjoy, and this is directly related to the problems we have in relationships and in sex.

The following exercise will give you the opportunity to do some things that please you.

EXERCISE 11-1: DOING THINGS YOU ENJOY

This week do one or two things that you really want to do and that are fun for you. The only criteria are that you enjoy them and they not be work-related. They may or may not involve other people
.

Here are some examples of what some men did with the exercise. Jake loved spending time with his two girls, although he rarely did so because he “didn’t have the time.” So he took them on a picnic on Sunday, followed by a children’s movie. He had a ball. After years of not reading mysteries and science fiction because they were a “waste of time” (even though he really enjoyed them), Lou bought some books and started reading. Bernard took a week off from work and went alone to visit a friend in Florida with whom he had served in the army; he had long wanted to make this visit but didn’t because he felt it wasn’t fair to leave his wife for a week. James, who loved children although he didn’t have any, volunteered for a community organization that helped tutor disadvantaged kids
.

Your activities may or may not be similar to these examples. As long as you enjoy them, you’re doing the right thing
.

Do one or two enjoyable things per week as long as you follow the programs in this book. I hope you’ll continue taking time for yourself long after you have forgotten this book
.

ASSERTING YOURSELF WITH YOUR PARTNER

The next exercise, developed by sex therapist Lonnie Barbach, is the best I know to help you learn to assert yourself in a variety of situations.

EXERCISE 11-2: YESES AND NOS

A
Yes
involves attempting to get something you want from someone, something that you ordinarily would not allow yourself to ask for. The assignment lies in the request, not the response. Even if your request is rejected, you have done a Yes by asking. Examples of Yeses are: asking someone to give or lend you something, like a ride, a book, or an audio tape; asking someone to spend time with you or listen to something you want to say; asking for a certain type of date or sexual activity
.

A
No
is a refusal to do something that you don’t want to do but ordinarily go along with. If you habitually loan money to a friend not because you want to but because you fear what he will think of you if you refuse, turning him down would be a No. We all do many things we don’t want to do. Some of them are necessary (like paying your bills) since the consequences of not doing them are serious. But there are many other things we don’t like that we don’t have to put up with. The Nos will give you an opportunity to turn some of them down. Being able to say no is crucial in sex, as going along with things you don’t like in sex is one of the best ways not to get turned on and to lose interest in the whole subject
.