The New Male Sexuality (59 page)

If you want something more specific, here’s an option. Rate your arousal/tension on a scale of 0 to 10, where 0 represents a total lack of arousal and 10 represents orgasm. As you do the exercises, you’ll be able to rate yourself at any time (“I’m about 4 right now, going to 5”). To start, choose a number you’re comfortable with in the middle range—say 4 or 5—and always try to stop when you reach it. But do not choose 9. That’s either the point of inevitability or very close to it, and will result in too many accidents. As you proceed through the exercise and feel more comfortable and confident, you can choose higher numbers.

How Long Do You Need to Stop?

When sex therapists were first assigning these exercises in the early 1970s, most of us told men to stop for about a minute, until the urge to ejaculate had completely subsided. This worked well for most men, but an accompanying problem was that without stimulation for a minute or more, many lost all or part of their erections. In order to prevent erection loss, some of my own clients made the stops briefer, anywhere from ten to forty seconds (these are estimates, by the way; you don’t need to use a stopwatch). This worked out well for some men, not so well for others. So the answer of how long to stop is this: experiment and find out. You want the stop to be long enough for the arousal/tension level to subside to an appreciable extent, but not so long that you get bored and lose your erection. Stop for different lengths of time between ten seconds and a minute and a half and see what works best. If you need to stop again within a minute or two of resuming stimulation, you need longer stops. If, on the other hand, you’re losing most of your erection, try shorter pauses.

What to Do During a Stop

I have found it helps if you do one or more of the following during most stops: (1) talk briefly to your partner just to keep in touch, (2) relax and enjoy the pleasant feelings of decreasing arousal, or (3) take several deep breaths to help you relax (see
this page
). It may not feel very powerful to be just lying there doing nothing, but it is. You’re doing exactly what you need to do to gain control over a reflex that’s been giving you trouble for a long time. See if you can experience it that way and remind yourself that you’re taking charge of your sex life.

What About Ejaculating While Doing the Program?

You can ejaculate as much as you want when you’re not doing the exercises, as long as this does not interfere with your ability to get an erection when it’s time to do an exercise. But be careful not to do anything that makes you feel bad about yourself. Some men want to have intercourse at every opportunity, even if this means they come quickly and feel bad. Feeling bad won’t help your progress, so think about what is best for you. Of course, it is fine to come quickly when not doing the exercises if there are no negative consequences. Taking a day off from the program now and then can be fun. But keep in mind what you’re trying to accomplish and stick to the program most of the time.

If you want to ejaculate at the end of an exercise, you can do so, but keep your mind focused on your arousal/tension level and maintain the stimulation at a moderate pace—that is, don’t do fast, hard stimulation. Be aware of reaching the upper reaches of the control region and passing the point of inevitability.

It’s important to understand that you will sometimes ejaculate without meaning to, especially the first time or two you do a new exercise. Such accidents are common and nothing to be concerned about. If you didn’t have any, you probably don’t need to be following the program in the first place. As New York sex therapist Michael Perelman points out, these accidents are even helpful, because they help you to define the boundaries of the control zone. They let you know unequivocally where 9 and 10 are on the rating scale. If, however, you continue ejaculating unintentionally, something is wrong. Perhaps you need to return to the previous exercise and gain greater comfort and control with it.

MIND POWER FOR DEVELOPING BETTER CONTROL

To derive maximum benefit from the physical exercises described below, you need to get your mind on your side, as we discussed in
Chapter 19
. A man who hasn’t had ejaculatory control tends to think of himself as quick on the trigger. This is, for sure, a reflection of reality, but it also becomes a predictor of future behavior and a reinforcer of a self-image you want to change. It will be easier to change your behavior if you also change your view of yourself.

Start right away to apply the material contained in
Chapter 19
. Imagine yourself as you’d like to be; spend as little time as possible imagining how you’ve been. If you haven’t read that chapter and digested its contents, now would be a good time to do so.

Mind Power A:
Whenever you’re aware of telling yourself that you come fast, or having an image that embodies that idea, argue with it and change it. For example: “It’s true, I’ve always come fast. But I’m going to do this program and change that. I’m going to have good control.” When you picture yourself coming quickly, say, “That was then,” and follow this with an image of having long-lasting sex accompanied by words like “That’s the way it’s going to be.”

Mind Power B:
This is an image, really more like a movie, that you should spend thirty to ninety seconds on every day; doing it several times a day is even better. Imagine yourself having long-lasting intercourse with good control, which includes several components. Imagine entering your partner, feeling relaxed and comfortable, and just being still inside her for a moment or two. You’re not moving, just enjoying the feel of being in her. Then imagine slow movements, just taking it easy, still enjoying the feeling of being in her. Then gradually increase the pace of your thrusts. Now slow down again. Now again increase the pace gradually, until you’re moving almost as much as you want, still feeling calm and easy. Now imagine slowing down and stopping all movement. Stop thrusting and just experience the pleasure. Then gradually increase the movements, slowly building up until you’re moving with abandon, letting your body do what it wants. When you want, and only when you want, imagine a wonderful ejaculation. When you’re done with the movie, be sure to end with a statement to yourself of this kind: “As it is in my mind, so it shall be in reality” or “This is how it’s going to be.”

Mind Power C:
Before you do any of the physical exercises, spend a few seconds imagining yourself doing it perfectly, exactly as it is supposed to be done. Be sure to imagine all the parts: for example, asking your partner to do it with you, attending to your arousal/tension level, asking her to stop, asking her to resume stimulation, and so on.

This mental rehearsal takes only a few seconds and can be very helpful. You can do it anyplace. For example, if you and your partner are getting ready to do an exercise, you can close your eyes and do your mental rehearsal right there, or you can go into another room—for some reason, the bathroom has been popular with my clients—and take a few seconds to do it there.

Mind Power D:
Every day, preferably just after awakening or just before retiring for the night, take a few seconds to imagine how good you’re going to feel once you’ve achieved ejaculatory control.

Mind Power E:
This is the pep-talk exercise given in
Chapter 19
. Remember to use it whenever you feel discouraged or think you failed in an exercise.

SOME DEEP BREATHS, PLEASE

Proper breathing can help develop ejaculatory control. Put simply, taking a few deep breaths can help dissipate the arousal/tension that leads to quick ejaculations. The kind of breathing that’s needed is deep, easy, and relaxing. Unfortunately, many of us don’t breathe this way. When I ask clients to take some deep breaths, I notice that many of them actually get more tense. They tense their chest or shoulder muscles, and sometimes their neck and even arm muscles as well.

The best kind of relaxing breathing I know is the kind taught in most schools of meditation. There is no obvious tensing of muscles, and while inhaling, the belly (
not
the chest) swells and protrudes. That is, if you lay one hand on your belly while doing this kind of breathing, you’ll notice your stomach pushing out a bit on each inhalation and going down a bit on each exhalation. If you’re not used to breathing this way, it will take a little practice to learn it. Keep in mind that the purpose is relaxation, keep a hand on your belly to make sure it’s protruding slightly with each inhalation, and try not to tense any muscles. If you have trouble with this, it can help to imagine that your belly is an empty balloon, being gently filled
with each inhalation, then being gently emptied with each exhalation. This is a fiction, of course, since the air is always going to the same place, your lungs. Nonetheless, the image is usually helpful.

Once you can do this, it’s a good idea to practice it as often as possible. A few deep breaths of this kind are perhaps the quickest way for most people to relax. Experiment with taking a few deep breaths when you stop stimulation in both the masturbation and partner exercises. You can also experiment with taking deep breaths when you’re being stimulated or having intercourse. This takes a bit of getting used to, because you’ll be going against the grain. The more excited you are, the more likely you’ll want to take short, superficial breaths and even pant. But with some practice, most men can overcome that tendency and take deep, relaxing breaths.

If you want to go further with using relaxation to help gain ejaculatory control, you can imagine that the air you take in goes down into your pelvis, relaxing the muscles and the whole region. The more relaxed your pelvis is, the less the chance of ejaculating.

MASTURBATION EXERCISES

As mentioned above, everyone who’s willing to masturbate should do these exercises even if you don’t think you need them. If you really don’t, you only need to do each one once.

These masturbation exercises assume that you masturbate the way most men do, by stroking your penis with one hand moving up and down over the shaft and head. Some men pleasure themselves in other ways—for example, by lying facedown and rubbing themselves against the bed, pillow, floor, or sofa. Unfortunately, these other methods are not well-suited to developing ejaculatory control. You probably should learn to do it the typical way.

EXERCISE 20-1: STOP-START MASTURBATION

Step A:
With a dry hand (no lotion or other lubrication), masturbate for fifteen minutes without ejaculating. Focus on your penis or pelvic area, as discussed above, so you will know how aroused or tense you are. When you feel you are in the control area, stop all stimulation and (1) attend to the sensations of arousal or tension and (2) take a few deep breaths. When the arousal/tension level has dropped significantly (which can be anywhere from ten seconds to over a
minute), resume stimulation. Stop time, the time when you are waiting for your excitement/tension to abate, is included in the fifteen minutes
.

You may have to stop a number of times when you first do the exercise. As you continue doing it, you will better learn when to stop and how long to wait, and the number of times you need to stop will decrease
.

When you need only one or two stops during the fifteen minutes, proceed to Step B
.

Step B:
Exactly the same as Step A, except that you now use a lubricant such as K-Y jelly, Astroglide, or massage oil on your hand. When you need only one or two stops during the fifteen minutes, you are ready to move on to
Exercise 20-2
.

P
OSSIBLE
P
ROBLEMS

1. You need to stop again as soon as you resume masturbating. This probably means that you’re stopping too late and that your stops are too brief. Try stopping sooner and waiting longer before resuming stimulation
.

2. You lose all or most of your erection while stopping. This is not a serious problem, but it probably means you are stopping for too long. Try briefer stops
.

We now move on to the idea of subtle adjustments, changes in stimulation more subtle than stopping. There is nothing wrong with stopping stimulation in masturbation, partner stimulation, or intercourse. But there are other alternatives. Years ago I discovered that men with good control don’t just bang away with fast in-and-out thrusts for long periods of time. They vary their thrusts to help control ejaculation. They move in certain ways when they want to come and in other ways when they want to delay ejaculation, just like Fred. You will learn these other ways. You can use these subtle adjustments when you want, and of course you can always stop if a stop is required.

EXERCISE 20-2: MASTURBATING WITH SUBTLE ADJUSTMENTS

Step A:
Masturbate with a dry hand for fifteen minutes without ejaculating and without stopping. When your arousal/tension is anywhere in the control zone, make changes in the stimulation to control your ejaculatory process. Kinds of changes you can make are: slowing down the pace; varying the site of maximum stimulation—for example, by stimulating only the shaft of your penis rather than the head; changing the type of stroke—for instance, going from longer
strokes to shorter ones or using circular motions. Try one change at a time. Find out what works for you and then stick with it
.

These more subtle adjustments need to be made a bit sooner than stopping. If you make them too late, you can always stop to prevent ejaculation. When your arousal/tension level has decreased, you can resume the more arousing type of stimulation if you want
.

When you can comfortably masturbate for fifteen minutes without ejaculating by using only subtle adjustments, go to Step B
.