The New Male Sexuality (73 page)

Even when we’re thinking about sex with a partner, the question of desire for what remains. People don’t have sex only to satisfy sexual urges. Many men, for example, sometimes or often have sex in the absence of any specific sexual desire; what they do feel, however, is a wish not to disappoint their partners or a desire to live up to their ideas of masculinity. And there are certainly women who have sex in the absence of any specific sexual interest in order to please their partners, to avoid hassle or argument, to avoid feeling guilty, and so on. One woman whose appetite for sex was so ravenous that her husband was fearful of coming home from work said the following when I asked why she wanted so much sex: “It’s the only time I have his full attention.” Another woman in a similar situation said, “Sex is the only time I get the touching I crave.” What these women wanted, strictly speaking, was more attention and more touching, not more sex. But they believed sex was the only way to get what they really wanted.

There are many men who don’t know how to get a hug, to express love or feel loved, or to feel strong and masculine except by having sex. Such individuals are often experienced by their partners as oversexed. The way out of this situation is for them to learn to express nonsexual feelings in nonsexual ways.

Just as the purpose or object of the sex that is wanted is an important
question, so too is the kind of sex. Couples often have arguments about sexual frequency that could be easily resolved if only they could state precisely what it is that they want more or less of. Those wanting less sex usually believe that they are being asked to get aroused and go through a lengthy process, when in fact the partner who wants more may simply want, or be willing to settle for, a helping hand or a quickie. And even if this isn’t the case at first, a discussion of the possibilities can often bring about a compromise on what at first seemed like an insurmountable problem.

Our third important concept is
willingness
, going along with the desire for sex by engaging in it or even initiating and having sex in the absence of a specific desire for it. Without this willingness, the motor just idles. Willingness is putting the car in gear and stepping on the accelerator.

A pattern of unwillingness in the presence of interest often signifies personal or relationship problems. If you feel desire but are unwilling to do anything about it with your partner, this could mean that you’re angry or upset with her or don’t find her attractive. Despite her many overtures, one man with a healthy sexual appetite didn’t make love to his wife for two years after the birth of their child because he was so upset about what he perceived as her exclusive relationship with the child, which caused him to feel “totally left out.” Or it could mean that something you believe and may not even be aware of is getting in the way; for example, that sex is too dirty an activity to have with someone you love. This might explain the behavior of a man who feels desire but instead of approaching his wife either masturbates or goes to prostitutes.

Willingness in the absence of desire could be a problem if it means that you’re feeling pressured by your ideas of what a real man should do or by fear of your partner’s reaction if you don’t have sex. Yet willingness without much desire doesn’t have to be a problem, as in Gunther’s case:

Dee wants sex three or four times a week no matter what. I would be happy with less, but there’s no way I’m going to let this sour our relationship. So I accommodate her as best I can. Sometimes I don’t have much interest, but she gets my penis up anyway and we make love. If we don’t get it up, I service her with my tongue and hand. I usually don’t get highly aroused with that, but I feel good giving her pleasure. It’s a fair trade-off.

CAUSES OF DESIRE PROBLEMS

Problems of sexual desire and frequency usually stem from one of two factors: different preferences, or obstacles to desire or willingness.

Difference in Sexual Preferences

Difference in preference for sexual frequency has barely been mentioned in the professional literature, yet I consider it to be crucial to an understanding of desire discrepancies. We assume that couples are or should be well matched sexually; in the words of another era, they should be sexually compatible. Both partners should want sex about, say, twice a week. If that’s not the case, there must be some block or problem. But why should they agree on sexual frequency? Couples disagree on many things: how often to go out or have company in, how to raise children or even whether to have them, whether to squeeze the toothpaste tube from the top or the bottom, and so forth. Why should sex be different?

My idea is that by the time people reach the age of twenty-five or thirty, they have arrived at some natural or preferred level of sexual frequency. Some people, for example, really like sex. Almost everything turns them on and makes them desire sex. Most of us can easily think of a man who fits this pattern, but so do some women. Witness the heroine in Peter Benchley’s novel
The Deep:

To Gail, sex was a vehicle for expressing everything—delight, anger, hunger, love, frustration, annoyance, even outrage. As an alcoholic can find any excuse for a drink, so Gail could make anything, from the first fallen leaf of autumn to the anniversary of Richard Nixon’s resignation, a reason for making love.

There are also lots of women and men for whom very few stimuli evoke sexual interest or response.

Kurt is such a man. Even as a teenager, he noticed that his interest in sex seemed much less than that of his friends. He didn’t think or fantasize about sex much and used masturbation only occasionally as a sleeping aid. The pattern continued in adulthood. A problem developed in his relationships because his partners all “wanted more sex than I did and would get upset when I rejected their overtures.” Kurt was evaluated by several doctors and therapists, none of whom could find anything wrong with him. If left to his own preferences, he would have sex with a partner maybe
once a month and masturbate two or three times a month when he had trouble getting to sleep. Although he said sex was “enjoyable” and he had no trouble functioning, sex didn’t do a lot for him, and having it didn’t make him want to have it again anytime soon.

You can get a sense of a person’s natural or preferred level of sexual interest and activity by looking at his history. How much sex did he want and have over the years in different relationships? And how much does he desire and have now? People vary considerably in their answers.

Unfortunately, just as people who squeeze the toothpaste tube from the bottom often marry people who squeeze from the top, so people who want sex once a month often marry people who want it five times a week. And that’s a real problem. There may be no blocks, no barriers, nothing neurotic, and nothing weird, just different preferences. This is no different from a couple in which one person needs physical activity almost every day—jogging, swimming, or what have you—and the other is quite sedentary. Neither one is crazy; they just have different patterns.

It’s important in cases like this to look at both ends and not just focus on bringing up the desire of the one who wants less sex. It may be just as necessary to decrease the desire of the one who wants more sex; maybe Gail can find other satisfying ways of celebrating the first day of spring than by having sex.

Obstacles to Desire or Willingness

Below I discuss some of the most common inhibitors of desire or the willingness to act on it. I start with obstacles having to do with medical and drug issues.

Low hormone levels.
Testosterone is the desire hormone in both women and men. If there’s little or no desire—no sexual thoughts or fantasies, no appetite for sex alone or with a partner—you should definitely talk to a physician and get your hormones checked.

Medical conditions
. Any acute or chronic medical problem will tend to decrease sexual interest. If someone is chronically ill, there is a host of variables that may affect sexual interest and functioning. Among these are the effects of the disease itself, the effects of the patient role and the meaning the patient attaches to the illness, fears of rejection by the partner, and so on. Then, of course, there are the treatments—not only drugs, but also surgery, radiation, and so forth, any of which can affect one’s desire and ability to function.

Drugs
. Modern medicine has been quite successful in producing a number of drugs with the unintended side effect of decreasing sexual desire. Many recreational drugs have the same effect. See the Appendix for a list of the drugs that can cause problems.

Depression
. Millions of Americans suffer from it, and a great many of them experience decreased interest in sex. If someone has lost interest in sex because of depression, the chances that sex therapy will work aren’t very good unless the depression is treated first. If it’s successfully treated, whether by brief psychotherapy, drugs, or both, the chances are good that no other treatment will be necessary. One problem to be aware of is that certain antidepressant drugs themselves cause decreased desire in some people.

There is an interesting exception to depression decreasing sexual desire. There are some folks in whom it produces the opposite effect: They want more sex. It’s as if sex is the only way they have of gaining relief from the depression, so the more depressed they get, the more sex they want. This can cause huge relationship problems. There he or she is, very morose and hardly an appealing partner, yet wanting lots of sex. And it’s hard to turn them down, even though they’re not very attractive in this state, because you can see this is the only medicine that works for them. Obviously they need to see a doctor or therapist for help with the depression.

Dissatisfaction with partner sex
. This category encompasses a number of issues. Perhaps the sex you have with your partner isn’t all that great. It seems like too much work for what you get out of it. Perhaps your partner isn’t that attractive to you sexually; there are things about her looks, attitude, or behavior that make sex with her not appealing. Another possibility is that you’re having difficulties functioning as you like; perhaps you have trouble keeping erections or delaying ejaculations. Not having sex is a way of not confronting these problems.