The New Male Sexuality (74 page)

Dissatisfaction with the relationship
. If either partner feels unappreciated, unloved, taken for granted, or in any other way discontented with or angry at the partner or the relationship, he or she may lose their desire to have sex with their partner. What is needed in such cases is rectifying the cause of the discontent; in other words, work on the relationship.

Scheduling issues
. Some couples are so overscheduled with work, children, visitors, meetings, hobbies, and so on that they have neither the time nor the energy for sex. These couples often staunchly maintain their desire for a sex life, yet strongly resist any suggestion they change their schedules. Of course, being busy with busyness is a good way to avoid having to deal with deeper issues such as a fear of sex or closeness.

Fear of too much closeness
. Some men and women I have worked with seemed to believe that more sex or better sex would make them too vulnerable. They would end up feeling too close and too dependent on their partners and this would lead to huge problems. This fear caused them to avoid sex with their partner even when they were horny. They would find a reason not to have sex at all or to masturbate.

Sexual fears
. Millions of Americans, not all of them women, were abused as children, both sexually and otherwise. Some of these people have developed fearful reactions to sex. Although they may feel turned on, these feelings come into conflict with the fears, and a struggle ensues.

Tension about sex
. In many couples a tremendous amount of anxiety has grown up around making love. There has been criticism, hostility, or distance, often because of a problem such as not having much sex or an erection or orgasm difficulty. Even after the original problem is resolved, the strain remains. Instead of looking forward to sex as a joy, there is foreboding. As one man put it, “Although I love my wife and find her sexy, there’s been so many arguments about how we make love, and how often, that when I think of approaching her, I get this terrible knotted-up feeling in my stomach. I have to take Alka-Seltzer to get rid of it—and that’s hardly a turn-on.” This couple needs to find ways to reduce their stress about making love and to increase their comfort and arousal with one another.

In many couples, more than one of the above reasons is operating. One woman was very unhappy about the lack of sex in her marriage and sought counseling. Her husband maintained he enjoyed sex with her, but even he couldn’t remember the last time they had actually done it. At first he tried to brush off the problem by suggesting they were just going through a phase because of how busy they both were. When I asked what he was busy with, I got a clue as to what was going on. He absolutely glowed when he talked about his passion for old records—searching for them on the Internet and in newspapers, going to hear them, buying them, cataloging them, and listening to them and playing them for others. His wife started crying and said, “That’s it—I want him to feel that way about me.” The energy, enthusiasm, and excitement he manifested toward records certainly seemed similar to what other men feel for their wives. It turned out that this man had been raised in a violent family and had learned not to trust people; for him, it was far safer to put one’s trust in the solidity of things. Getting close to his wife, on the other hand, was terrifying for him. Not having sex was for him a great way not to get too close. We worked in therapy for a number of months on reducing this fear, and
as it diminished he approached his wife more often. While his interest in records continued, it did so at a much less intense level, and he spent less time with them.

The point isn’t to have more sex or less sex. Rather, the only point is to arrive at an arrangement that satisfies the two of you, that makes each of you feel good about yourself, about your partner, and about sex and the relationship. The one who is more desirous should not automatically conclude that he is okay while his partner is deficient and needs to be changed. Both partners need to be willing to be open and consider solutions that will work for both of them.

TOWARD RESOLUTION

I devote the rest of this chapter to suggestions for trying to resolve the desire/frequency difficulties you are having. These are the kinds of things I do with clients in my office. I have arbitrarily divided them into six steps: enhancing the relationship; starting to talk about the problem; defining the goal; determining if there has been a change; determining if medical or drug issues are involved; and deciding what needs to be done. In reality, the steps often merge into one another and in some cases can be dealt with in one conversation. For other couples, one or more steps are sticking points and need lots of time and energy, even professional help. You should at least read over what I say about each step and not cavalierly dismiss any of them.

1. Enhancing the Relationship
. Since resolving most desire problems requires a functional relationship and lots of talk, this is a crucial step. When couples can’t agree on how much sex to have, things can quickly turn ugly. Both people end up feeling bad. The person wanting more sex (let’s say it’s you) feels unloved, undesirable, and cheated. All you’re asking for is some loving. Why can’t she just go along with that? Is it because she finds you unattractive, undesirable? Maybe, you think, it’s because you’re not a good lover. So you alternate between feeling angry and frustrated, on one hand, and doubting yourself, on the other.

The one wanting less sex doesn’t feel any better. She feels always under attack; you’re always after her for sex, and that makes her angry. She’s afraid to be close to you in any way—holding hands, hugging, kissing, or snuggling—because you might interpret it as a desire for sex. At the same
time, she feels guilty. After all, you’re not asking for much. Why can’t she just go along?

When it’s the man who wants less sex, things can get even worse. After all, who ever heard of a man rejecting, even running away from, a willing partner? As one man in this situation put it: “The only word I have for it is
crazy
. I can’t imagine any other man turning down sex, and if I could, I would say he’s flat-out nuts. And that’s what I think of myself.”

Obviously, there are more than enough bad feelings to go around. As long as the bad feelings exist, they make resolution of the problem difficult. You should do what you can about any bad feelings between you and your partner. Get the relationship on as sound a footing as possible. The material in
Chapters 7
through
14
can help in this respect.

You are going to need a lot of empathy for your partner. It is likely that you have been seeing her as willfully withholding sex and not caring about your needs and feelings, or as someone who’s deliberately demanding far more sex than you can offer, constantly badgering you and making you feel guilty, and not caring about your needs and feelings. You need to try to understand her position. Can you see her as a person who is as hurt and frustrated by the situation as you are and who is doing her best to deal with it even though her best, like your best, so far hasn’t had the desired results? The more you can truly understand her situation and the more you can truly understand that the two of you are stuck, the better things will go. It’s extremely rare to find a villain in these situations. Don’t create one; doing so is easy but only makes the situation worse.

You will also need empathy for yourself. You may well have been blaming yourself for being too demanding or not giving enough. Such thoughts, even if based on some truth, don’t help. What we have is a problem: You aren’t getting what you want and neither is she, but the problem can usually be worked out if both of you can keep cool, remember that you’re in this together, and have some tolerance for each other and yourselves as fallible but lovable human beings. Do what you need to get to this place.

And try to keep in mind what I said earlier: The only reasonable goal is a situation that works for both of you and makes both of you feel good about yourselves and the relationship. With this perspective, chances are excellent the problem can be resolved.

2. Start talking with your partner about the problem
. Whether or not you have talked before, what’s needed is a relatively calm discussion where each of you gets to say what you want to say and where each of you listens
to the other. This discussion could take only a few minutes, although that is rare, or it could consist of several sessions, taking several hours in all.

If you have already read
Chapters 10
through
14
, you have a good idea of what’s required. Later in this chapter I give examples of how to open communication with your partner about the problem and negotiate for change.

3. Precisely define the goal
. Try to define as clearly as possible what you want more or less of. On the more side, is it the feeling that your partner sees you as attractive and desirable, the feeling that your partner loves you, a sense of closeness or love, a sense of being important to your partner, a feeling of passion or excitement, more physical affection, more sexual contact (which could mean a number of things), more intercourse, more orgasms, or what? The more differentiated and specific you and your partner can be, the greater the chance that a solution can be found.