The New Male Sexuality (75 page)

In some cases this part is easy. For example, Thelma and Chris had a good sex life until the birth of their son four years ago. Since then, the few times they tried to be sexual had been fraught with tension, with each blaming the other for their lack of a sex life. Their goal was simple: to return to the quality and quantity of sex they had previously enjoyed. What would be more difficult for them was determining how to get there.

Lenny and Marilyn’s situation was more complicated. Marilyn had always wanted more sex than Lenny, and so much distance and hostility had built up around the issue that they were barely on speaking terms. Lenny felt that Marilyn was hounding him, asking for sex when she herself wasn’t interested, just to make him feel bad. Although there was no evidence she was trying to make him feel bad, there was some truth to what he believed, because Marilyn is the woman I mentioned earlier who was going after sex in order to get her husband’s attention. It turned out that, attention aside, Marilyn usually did have a greater interest in sex than Lenny. But she also wanted more of his attention and presence than he was giving. For his part, Lenny did want to make love with his wife, but he didn’t want to feel hounded.

He was greatly relieved when he heard that Marilyn would want less sex if he would attend more to her in nonsexual ways: for instance, by listening to her talk about her day and her troubles with her family, and by going out with her more to events and activities they both enjoyed. He was also relieved when she said that sex didn’t always have to include intercourse. This had been his big fear, that he would have to get aroused and hard every time she wanted sex. She realized she could often be happy if
he would just give her a helping hand or hold her while she used her vibrator—assuming, of course, that he was present and did not drift off.

4. Determine if there has been a change over time
. If someone’s desire or willingness has significantly increased or decreased during the relationship, that change needs attention. The following exercise can help.

EXERCISE 24-1: WHEN DID THE CHANGE OCCUR AND WHAT LED TO IT?

This exercise can be done alone or with your partner. What you want to do is focus on the time just prior to the changed desire or activity. What happened during that time that may have contributed to the alteration of desire? Consider all of the following: changes in physical health or medications; changes in the relationship (engagements, weddings, trying to have or having children, affairs, big arguments, and so on) and in other important relationships (such as with your parents); changes in job (hers and yours); changes in living arrangements (moving in together, moving out, moving to another city); changes in finances; changes in how you feel about yourself; changes in friendships. If the answer isn’t obvious, pull out old calendars, appointment books, and anything else that might jog your memory. If your sexual desire seriously changed in November 1998, it’s probable that something else that happened in October or November had a lot to do with it. Knowing what that something is can help
.

I did a version of this exercise with Jennifer and Chip, who had come to see me after almost a year of tension and bickering because of Jennifer’s “loss of interest,” which turned out to be more a case of loss of willingness. Although at first she said she didn’t have any idea why her feelings had changed, she was able to pinpoint the time when they had; it was the week after she realized that they would have to move once again because Chip had taken a new job. This had been the pattern in their thirteen-year marriage. Chip was a professor and would take a post at a different college every two years or so. Jennifer felt that just as soon as she started making friends and feeling comfortable in a new city, they’d have to move. As we talked about this, she realized that the most recent time was simply the last straw. She felt that her feelings weren’t even considered and that Chip just did whatever he wanted to further his career.

Chip was shocked. He hadn’t even known she was unhappy about the
moves. It’s easy to jump to the conclusion that he was an insensitive lout, but Jennifer had never directly voiced her complaints until this therapy session; it’s not even clear she had fully recognized how upset she was about them. Chip was deeply concerned about her unhappiness, and the two of them had a series of constructive conversations about what to do. As a result, Chip offered to make no more moves without Jennifer’s consultation and agreement.

Although very little was said about sex, Jennifer’s willingness to make love steadily increased as she became convinced that her wishes were being given fair consideration.

5. Determine if drugs, medical factors, or depression is involved
. If your desire, or your partner’s, is zero or close to it, or has sharply decreased, or if you are taking drugs of any kind or have a serious medical condition, or think one of you is depressed, it’s a good idea to have a talk with your family doctor or a doctor who specializes in sexual medicine. Any of these factors can lead to desire problems.

6. Decide what changes can be made
. After you have done the preceding steps, you are ready to negotiate for change, what you can do differently, what she can do differently. Sometimes these talks are relatively easy, at other times very difficult. Just remember that you’re dealing with someone you love and keep your cool as best you can. As always, time-outs are encouraged when needed; name-calling, spacing out, and walking out are not acceptable. Here are some examples of how these conversations can go.

If there are already bad feelings between you and your partner about the desire conflict, you may want to write her a note like this:

I feel terrible about the conflicts and bad feelings we’re having about sex. It hurts me to see you in pain, and I don’t like feeling it myself. I love you and want to make things better.

I’d like us to have a different kind of talk than we’ve had. I’d like for each of us to get as much time as we want to say exactly where we’re at. I’d be happy to go first, but I’d also be happy for you to start. When you talk, I’ll just listen to what you have to say. When you’re done, I’ll summarize what you said to make sure I understand. I’d like you to do the same for me when I talk. At least we’ll know we’re hearing what the other is saying.

It’s not easy being nondefensive about sex, especially after what we’ve been through, but I promise to do my best not to attack or criticize
you, to listen as openly as I can, and to say exactly where I’m at. I hope you’ll be willing to do the same.

I’d like to do this as soon as possible. This Saturday morning would be good for me. Does that work for you?

Now we turn to several examples of what to say when your partner wants more sex than you do. The reason for including all these examples is that the men in this situation I’ve worked with have had a great deal of trouble expressing themselves.

YOU
: I guess I need to be more open than I’ve been. The reason I turn you down so often when you initiate is that I’m scared I won’t be able to get hard and give you what you want. See, when I initiate, that means I’m already turned on and either have an erection or know I can get one. When you initiate, I don’t know that. I’m concerned that we’ll start and I won’t be able to deliver.

Here’s another way:

YOU
: After thinking about it, I realize the reason I’m not more interested in lovemaking is that I haven’t been enjoying it very much. I love you but I feel pressured and burdened in our lovemaking. I’m not sure this is how it really is, but it feels to me that I’ve got to do a lot of work. Even when you initiate, it seems like I have to spend a lot of time getting you ready and then a lot more time stimulating you to orgasm. Only then can I take my pleasure, and it doesn’t feel to me that you do a lot about that. Maybe the way I’m seeing this is unfair and not how it is, but this is my perception and it’s affecting my behavior.

Another kind of situation might call for something like this:

YOU
: I don’t really know why I’m less interested in sex. All I do know is that I don’t look forward to making love and don’t take advantage of many opportunities. And I know this is making you miserable, which bothers me a lot. I wish I knew more, but I don’t. I’d like to get to the bottom of this, but I’m not sure what to do next.

In this example, it would help if you could make a distinction between desire and action. That is, is it the case that you don’t feel much desire
(don’t have many sexual thoughts, fantasies, or feelings), or you do but are not allowing yourself to fulfill those thoughts and fantasies with your partner? This is a crucial distinction.

If you’re not having much desire for sex at all, that could indicate a physical or drug-related problem, or maybe high stress. Whatever the reason, your partner may feel a bit better knowing that the lack of feeling is general and not just about her. On the other hand, if your desire is greater than your willingness to have sex with her, you’re making a statement about the relationship or how you feel about sex with her. This may not make her feel very good, but it clearly indicates where to look for solutions.

Here’s another kind of situation:

YOU
: I have less interest in sex than before because I’m exhausted and overwhelmed most of the time, especially in the evenings. I feel totally strung out. It may be different for the two of us. It seems to me that even when you’re tired, you’re still up for sex. But for me, when I’m tired and overwhelmed, sex just seems like one more burden. I realize that sounds terrible, but that’s how it feels. I would like to change. I miss our lovemaking. But to make a change, something has got to give. If you’re up to discussing it, I can go over some of the things I’d like to stop doing or do less often.

YOUR PARTNER
: Go ahead.

YOU
: The first thing is the meals. When you proposed that I cook half the meals, I thought it was a great idea. But now I don’t. I’m not good at it, and it’s a tremendous strain. After picking up food on the way home and cooking and serving it, I’m a wreck and not up for sex or anything. I want to stop cooking. I’m willing to pick up something already cooked and serve it, but that’s all I can do. Or maybe we can eat out more.

And one more possibility:

YOU
: I never thought I’d be saying this, but I think it’s true. As you’ve pointed out many times, our lovemaking is good when we have it. We both enjoy it. So why don’t I want more? The fact is that I’m scared. Often when we have sex, I feel incredibly close to you. All the barriers are down; I’m just fully open. I know that sounds good, but it’s also scary. I don’t know exactly why, but
it’s like I have to draw back from it. There’s something threatening there. As long as we don’t have sex too often, I can keep the scary part under control. But my fear is that if we have sex more often, I’ll lose control of it. That’s as far as my thinking has gone so far, but I wanted you to know where I am.

After having a discussion like one of these, the door is open for some kind of action. The man in the last example may want to talk more with his partner. Maybe together they can find out what’s frightening him. Or maybe he’ll want to spend more time alone trying to figure it out. Another alternative is for him to get professional therapy. And sometimes it happens that just giving voice to the fear will resolve the problem.

METHODS TO INCREASE SEXUAL DESIRE OR WILLINGNESS

Most of the following methods, with the exception of the first, can be helpful whether your concern is to increase or decrease sexual desire or activity. But since they’re easier to explain if I take a consistent point of view, I’ll focus on increasing desire or activity. By changing a few words in the exercises, they are equally applicable to decreasing desire.

Simmering

If the reason you’re not having much sex is because you are not feeling much desire, and if this lack of interest is
not
the result of depression, drugs, relationship difficulties, or work stress, it will help to get your sexual juices flowing again. The simmering exercise on
this page
is an excellent way of doing this, and you should turn to it now.

Conditions for Greater Desire or Activity

There must be certain things that, if they were present or absent, would make you be more willing to have sex. These things are what I call conditions. You should do the conditions exercise in
Chapter 6
, substituting desire for arousal. That is, compare times when you felt greater desire with times when you felt less desire, or imagine what it would take for you to want more frequent sex. Another possibility is to just think about what changes in your life, broadly considered, would make you want more sex.
In looking for answers, consider all of these issues that can negatively affect sexual desire: fatigue, stress from any source, drugs and alcohol, the quality of the sex you have and any concerns you may have about your functioning, problems with children, negative beliefs about sex, and fear of too much closeness.

If your situation is such that you want to determine what would help you want less sex, adjust the wording of the exercise in that direction. The question in the exercise then becomes something like, “What would have to happen for me to want less sex?” What kinds of nonsexual activities might satisfy your desire for sex some of the time? Men I’ve worked with have often gasped in disbelief, “Only sex can satisfy my desire for sex!” But almost all found that’s too hasty a judgment. Although it may be true that you desire sex three times a night, or five times a week, that does not mean that only sex can satisfy you. Many people who once thought that certain of their desires could be satisfied only by a cigarette, food, or alcohol have found that other things will do as well, or almost as well.