The New Male Sexuality (77 page)

HER
: You’re asking me to show I care even though I don’t want sex. That’s very reasonable, and I’ll do that.

MIND POWER FOR DESIRE PROBLEMS

Getting your mind on your side is an important part of resolving desire and frequency complaints. Since these complaints often involve a feeling of discouragement for one or both partners (“We’ll never find a solution”), it’s important to combat these discouraging thoughts with positive statements. I’ve given a number of examples of using positive self-statements in
Chapter 19
and will not repeat them here. You should reread that chapter at your convenience and develop a number of positive statements to use. The more hopeful you feel about finding a solution, the better the chances of finding one.

The partner who wants less sex often feels inadequate or guilty (“I should want to make love more often” or “It’s not fair to deny her the lovemaking she wants”). When you’re aware of telling yourself things like this, argue with the statement and change it. For example: “I’m not a bad person and I’m not denying her. We just have different appetites. But we’re working on it and will come up with something better.”

Since monstrification of partners frequently happens in couples with desire/frequency differences, it’s important to remind yourself as often as possible that your partner is not a demanding or withholding bitch. She’s not a bad person, and neither are you. You just have some differences that need to be worked out.

Another helpful technique is mental rehearsal. In a number of the examples above, people promised to do certain things—for example, to ask for sex or something else, or to react in a certain way when they are turned down. Since these promises may be easier made than kept, rehearsing in your mind how you will do what you promised can help. The more often you imagine asking for sex when you want it, for example, the better the chances you will actually do it. The same is true for reacting in a given way when you get rebuffed. If you have said that you will respond to a rejection by asking for something else, you can make a mental movie that goes something like this: You make a sexual advance; she says she’s not interested; you tell yourself, “It’s no big deal”; you suggest something else to do
or are open and interested as she suggests something else. Run through this mental movie as many times as possible.

When the typical frequency problem recurs, and you can be sure it will, make every effort not to let it get you down. Instead of telling yourself that this is further proof that you’ll never resolve the problem, ask yourself what you can learn from the experience. Maybe you need to do more mental rehearsing of how you want to react when she turns you down, or maybe you need more practice with new ways of initiating sex. Then tell yourself something like this: “No reason to get upset. We tried, but were both tired and just got back into old habits again. I have to be careful about initiating when I’m tired, and I need a lot more rehearsing on not getting upset when she says no.”

And last, don’t forget the self-pep talk exercise in
Chapter 19
. Use it whenever you feel discouraged or think you failed in something you said you would do.

The suggestions in this chapter have been helpful to many couples with complaints about sexual frequency. If you find you can’t put them into practice or that they don’t work for you and your partner, make an appointment with a competent sex therapist. The sooner you do this, the better the chances you’ll achieve the results you want.

Appendix:
The Effects of Drugs
on Male Sexuality

The issue of drug effects on sexuality is complex, and the following discussion and charts are intended to be suggestive rather than exhaustive. The charts comprise three major categories: prescription drugs that may cause adverse sexual side effects, street drugs including tobacco and alcohol, and prescription drugs that have beneficial effects on sex.

In dealing with drugs, prescribed or not, it is crucial to understand that they are not innocuous substances. Any drug you take can have serious side effects. Even aspirin, probably the most widely used over-the-counter drug in the world, causes distressing side effects for many people.

If you consult a physician or sex therapist about a sexual difficulty, it is crucial that you inform them of all chemicals you are putting into your body.

PRESCRIPTION DRUGS WITH ADVERSE EFFECTS

The main thing that needs to be said about these drugs is that
under no circumstances should you fiddle with dosages or stop taking them without the consultation of a physician who is knowledgeable about drugs and your medical and sexual situation
. If you think a prescribed drug you are taking may have something to do with a sex problem you are
having, talk to the physician who prescribed it or with a physician who specializes in sexual problems.

It is also important to understand that hardly any drug has the same effects on all the people who take it. A drug that is known to have adverse effects, for instance, may have these effects on only 10 to 15 percent of the men who take it. So even if you have an erection problem and are taking a medicine known to produce this result in some people, this does not mean the drug is the cause of your erection problem. It may be, and then again it may not be.

Some detective work is needed to determine what is going on.
Such work should always be done in conjunction with a physician
. Perhaps a different dose of the same drug will help, or a different drug in the same category. Or perhaps the drug is having the adverse sexual effect only in conjunction with other drugs you are taking. There is also the possibility that the drug has nothing to do with your erection problem. If, for instance, you are having trouble keeping an erection with your partner but not with masturbation, it’s doubtful that the drug is what needs changing. Sex therapy, either with a qualified professional or by using the appropriate exercises in this book, may help.

We have not differentiated between drugs that cause negative sexual effects on large numbers of users and those that cause these effects in a small percentage of users. If there are any reports of negative effects, the drug has been marked. Whether or not it is having a negative effect on your sexuality is something you and your doctor need to determine.

STREET DRUGS

These drugs, including alcohol, can have both positive and negative effects, depending on the amount. Many men, for example, find that small amounts of alcohol make them feel more relaxed and sexier. But alcohol is a central nervous system depressant, and too much can lead to difficulty with erections in both the short and long run. Marijuana and cocaine have been used by some to enhance sex, and there are reports that they increase desire and confer the ability to delay ejaculation longer than usual. But at higher doses and over the long haul they cause erection and ejaculation problems. MDMA, or Ecstasy, can make people who take it feel closer to their partner and allow them to delay ejaculation. We don’t have information about its effects with high doses and over time. The vast majority of street drugs can cause sexual enhancement in low doses and sexual dysfunctions
of various kinds with increased doses or prolonged use. And virtually every single one of these drugs causes dependency or addiction.

PRESCRIPTION DRUGS WITH BENEFICIAL EFFECTS

This chart, unfortunately the shortest one, lists prescription drugs that have positive sexual side effects for some users. All of them are discussed in detail in appropriate places in the text of the book. If you would like to consider trying one of them, talk with a knowledgeable physician.

The following charts were prepared by John Buffum, D. Pharm., a leading expert on the effects of drugs on sexual functioning. Dr. Buffum is Psychiatric Clinical Pharmacist Specialist and Associate Clinical Professor of Pharmacy, University of California, San Francisco.

Click
here
to download a PDF of the charts in this Appendix.