The New Male Sexuality (36 page)

The results of this exercise can be astonishing. One man said that after years of what he considered nagging, he finally understood what his lover meant by wanting more intimacy and the legitimacy of her request. Many
other men report having new understandings of their partners and of increased closeness as a result.

LISTENING TO COMPLAINTS AND ANGER

“What am I supposed to do when she’s shrieking and making it sound like I’m the worst bastard who ever lived?”

Being able to listen nondefensively to criticism and anger is crucial in a good relationship. But this is where lots of men have trouble. Who wants to hear complaints and bad news? Such a reaction is understandable; I feel the same way. But I also know it’s smart to listen to bad news.

Even though it doesn’t feel good at the moment, a complaint or criticism is a gift. Instead of taking her love or sex elsewhere, your partner is sticking with you, alerting you to a problem, and handing you an opportunity to rectify it. Many of our best-run businesses have learned to look at complaints in this way and require their top executives to spend time each month reading letters of complaints and taking phone calls from those with problems. Most relationships would benefit from a similar policy.

It is crucial when listening to complaints or anger that you stay present and do not tune out
. How you do this is up to you. You have at least one way of doing this. I know this because I’m certain you don’t space out at work when your boss is angry or has a criticism. If you can be present for your boss, you can do at least as much for the woman you love.

When people are critical or angry, they want to be heard and understood. What they don’t want is criticism in return, denial of their perceptions or feelings, or attacks on their position or personality. So don’t add fuel to her fire. By simply listening and not attacking her, not defending yourself, and not withdrawing, you help keep her anger where it belongs—on the specific behavior or issue that set it off.

But what else can you do? A great deal. Anything conciliatory will be of benefit. Asking questions, for example, is an excellent way of disarming anger. Rather than slamming her back or withdrawing (both of which can be taken to indicate a lack of interest in her feelings), you can ask her to tell you more: “I’m sorry you’re so angry. Could you say more about what I did that upset you?” Another resource is empathy, showing that you understand what she’s saying. Yet another is to agree with what you can agree with. Sincere apologies are yet another. All of these approaches are elaborated on in the chapters that follow.

I can’t guarantee that her anger will immediately evaporate if you use some or all of these methods. It probably won’t. She’ll still be angry over whatever it was, and you may have to hang in there until she calms down. But you won’t be making matters worse, and your conciliatory gestures will help her calm down and deal more constructively with what’s troubling her.

NAGGING

One of the most common complaints men have about women is nagging. “She’s always on my case” or “She’s the biggest nag since my mother”—these are the words men use to register this behavior, which bugs the hell out of them. The best way I’ve found to look at this issue is to understand that nagging represents usually desperate attempts on the part of a woman to get what she needs. She wants her man to listen to and understand her, to express his feelings, to discuss an issue, to make certain agreements or to live up to ones he’s already made.

The men usually feel overwhelmed. They work hard, they’re tired, and they don’t want to hear about something that they’re doing wrong or that needs work. Unfortunately, there may not be a good alternative.
The best way to stop nagging is not to let things reach that point
. That is, listen to what your partner has to say, and deal with those things that can be dealt with, no matter how difficult that may be. If she says, for example, that sex has become boring, you might want to swallow your pride and do your best to find out what she means, then decide with her what should be done about it.

A good way to prevent nagging is to be honest. A lot of nagging is simply an attempt to get a man to open up. During a session in my office, Judy said she thought Dan had had a bad day at work. He immediately denied it but not in a way that persuaded either her or me. Then Judy started in with what he would later call nagging: Did he have a bad time with a customer, was it the sweltering heat, was his back bothering him? After she, with some help from me, convinced Dan to say what was going on, it turned out that indeed it had been a bad day. But his unwillingness to open up to her right away had pushed her, because of her concern, to nag him. He could have prevented the nagging by simply being honest.

Another good way to prevent nagging is to live up to your agreements. If you make agreements you don’t keep, you can be sure that nagging is what you’re going to get.

Yet another way to prevent nagging is to be willing to get outside help for the problems the two of you can’t solve on your own. There are lots of kinds of help that may be required. Some couples I’ve seen needed to hire child care or house-cleaning services. Neither the woman or the man could do any more, and the only good solution was getting someone else to help. Other couples needed financial advice. Yet others needed psychotherapy or sex therapy.

Men are much less willing to go for psychological help than women. It’s difficult for a man to acknowledge that he has a relationship or sex problem that he can’t resolve on his own. One dramatic case comes to mind. In this couple, the woman had been begging the man to get help for his very quick ejaculations for over fifteen years. During the first years of their marriage, he wouldn’t even hear her complaint. Then he acknowledged a problem existed, but it was hers: If she didn’t take so long to come, his lasting longer wouldn’t be an issue. By the time he finally came to grips with reality and they came to therapy, it was almost too late. Her anger had built to such a point that she was never able to fully let go of it even though he was now eager to get the help he had so long resisted.

As I talked with this man, he mentioned time and again how difficult it was to live with such a nagger. What hadn’t occurred to him in fifteen years was that his behavior gave her no choice. If he had simply admitted the problem and sought help, there would have been no reason for nagging.

My best advice is: Don’t be like this man, or like the man who wouldn’t admit he’d had a bad day. Don’t cause your spouse (and yourself) to suffer for fifteen years just because you don’t want to hear about a problem. Sooner or later you’re going to have to deal with it, so you might as well skip the suffering and get right to it.

If you think your partner is a nag, why not ask yourself what she’s talking about? If you have any doubts you have it right, why not ask her?

For example, you could begin this way: “I’m concerned about the housework business. You keep bringing up that I don’t do my share, and I barely hear you anymore. It’s not good for us. Would you please tell me exactly what you want? Then let’s talk about it.”

Let’s say she says something like this: “John, it’s not just about sharing the housework. I’m worried about us. We seem to be drifting apart.” That is a wake-up call. She’s saying the relationship is in trouble. You may feel like hell and want to run away, but, believe it or not, you’re being handed a gift.

Here’s one way
not
to handle it effectively: “Look, I know I’ve been busy. But things will be better after the Christmas season. You’ll see.” All
you’re doing is shutting her up and making light of the complaint. The only sure things anyone will see is her increasing anger and a worsening of the problem.

Here’s an even worse way: “Damn it! I’m tired of your telling me something else is wrong. Just leave me alone.” I won’t even comment on that one except to note that it’s quite common. But suppose you actually said it and later realized you were wrong. No need to feel embarrassed or alone. Many of us have done it. What you need to do is admit your mistake and tell her you’d like to listen. “I made a mistake last night when you said we were drifting apart. It scared me and I blew up. I’m calmer now and would like to hear what you have to say.”

YOUR CONDITIONS FOR EFFECTIVE LISTENING

Each of us can be a better listener under certain circumstances than under others. You need to determine how you can listen best and take steps to get what you need. Most people, for example, find they don’t listen well when they’re tired, angry, or in a hurry. So they need to assertively say this isn’t a good time: “I know we need to talk, but I’m too bushed to give you my full attention. Could we talk about this in the morning?” Or “I want to hear what you have to say, but I’m so pissed about what happened at work I really can’t concentrate. Can you wait until I’ve taken a bath and calmed down?”

Suppose you’d like to listen to your partner but she talks in ways that make that difficult. Maybe you need to tell her something like this: “I know you’re upset, and I really want to hear what you have to say. But it’s very difficult for me to listen when you call me names and belittle me. I promise I’ll listen attentively if you tone that down.”

If she can’t or won’t stop, you have every right to call a time-out (see
Chapter 13
). When the two of you regroup and are calmer, assure her of your desire to listen, but let her know the circumstances under which you can hear the best.

LISTENING TO SEXUAL COMPLAINTS AND FEEDBACK

It’s not easy for men to listen to sexual complaints. We like to think that we’re good lovers, so anything suggesting we’re not hits us where it hurts. But at the same time, it’s necessary that we do learn to listen. Let’s say your
partner tells you that you come too fast. It’s important that you hear what she’s saying instead of your own fantasies or nightmares—for example, “I’m not man enough for her” or “She’s going to leave me.” Hearing such things will probably cause you to become upset and defensive. So you reply with something like, “Well, if it didn’t take you a week to come, it wouldn’t be too fast.” Now both of you are hurt and angry, and you’re heading for trouble.

A better way would be like this: “That’s upsetting, but tell me more about it.” You want to find out all the specifics about her complaint and what she wants.

HER
: I know I won’t have an orgasm with intercourse, but I really like having you inside me, and I feel frustrated that you’re in and out so fast. I’d like it to be longer.

YOU
: Let me be sure I understand. Although you’re not looking to climax that way, you’re frustrated that we don’t have longer intercourse.

HER
: That’s right. It feels so good, I want it to go on longer.

Now that you understand the gist of her comment, you can try to get more information.

YOU
: When you say longer, what do you mean?

HER
: I don’t know—maybe twice as long as now.

This is crucial information that you learned only because you were able to hear and understand what she said earlier. It may be that what she’s saying sounds fine to you. In that case, you need to let her know: “That sounds reasonable. I’d like that, too.” Now the two of you need to talk about how to reach the goal you’ve agreed on.

It’s equally important to let her know if you don’t agree or don’t think change is possible. For example: “I’d love to be able to last longer, but I’ve been coming fast all my life. When I was with Joan, I went to a shrink for over a year and it didn’t help. I don’t know what to do.” Your statement, as discouraging as it sounds, leaves the door open for further discussion. For example, she may want to bring up going to a therapist who specializes in this kind of problem. Or maybe you have something to offer: “This book I’m reading has exercises that the author says have been helpful. I’ll show them to you if you like. Maybe they can work.”

Let’s turn to the subject of listening to sexual feedback, which may or may not be a complaint. Many men appreciate hearing what their partners
like and don’t like in sex. It saves them the effort of making assumptions and wondering if they have it right. But some men get into a snit because they feel bossed around. As one man said: “It’s always ‘a little slower, a little more gently, do this and do that.’ It’s like she’s directing traffic.” These men often take the woman’s suggestions as criticisms and feel bad because what they were doing wasn’t right.

Many women are perplexed about giving sexual feedback. They know they need to say what they want, but they fear hurting their partner’s feelings. It’s immeasurably easier for them when the partners encourage and welcome information. It’s much harder when what they say is not received well. The partner of the man quoted above had this to say: “He doesn’t know what I like, but he doesn’t seem to want to learn. I tell him in the most gentle ways I know, but he takes everything as a criticism. What am I supposed to do?”

Men have been trained to believe that they should somehow know what a woman needs in bed. If they don’t, that’s a negative statement about their masculinity. But, like all the other myths, this is ridiculous. There is no way of knowing how to please a partner without learning from her. No matter how many women you’ve had sex with and no matter how many books you’ve read, the only way to know what this partner wants is from her.

Some men who’ve heard this have objected, saying they had experiences where what they did was exactly what the woman wanted. Other men have reported stories from partners who said that a former lover knew exactly what to do. I don’t deny that it sometimes happens like this; the man’s style and preferences exactly or very closely match the woman’s and all is fine, as if by magic. But you need to understand that this is rare. In most cases, sexual and otherwise, learning is necessary.