The New Male Sexuality (46 page)

Lover-to-lover connection is so important that many a woman feels lonely when a man is going down on her. He’s way down there and she has no one to hold or hug and maybe can’t even see him. One way to remedy the situation is to put one of your hands up to play with her breast, to hold her hand, or for her to suck on. Another way is to take a break now and then and put your head up, look at her, and say something loving or sexy. “I love you,” “I love eating you,” “I love your wetness,” “I love the taste and smell of you”—all these comments and others like them are always welcome and appropriate.

Attend to your personal hygiene
. Make sure, for instance, that your fingernails are clean and clipped. Shave regularly (or keep your beard trimmed), and take a shower or bath daily, or as often as you need to. And brush your teeth.

Take it slow and easy
. Except in rare circumstances, go slow. You can always speed up if the situation calls for it. If you start too fast, on the other hand, it can be a turn-off to your partner. Recall the line in the Pointer Sisters’ song: “I want a man with a slow hand, I want a lover with an easy touch.”

Make sure she knows how much you like and enjoy the aspects of her you’re attending to
. Tell her how beautiful her lips, face, breasts, buttocks,
and vagina are, how satiny they feel, how much you like to gaze at them, hold, cup, and squeeze them, nuzzle, lick, and bite them. Make certain she knows that as far as you’re concerned, she’s got the greatest, sexiest butt or breasts in the universe.

Go from the less sensitive spots to the more sensitive spots.
In other words, don’t go immediately for the hot spots. Start elsewhere and work your way to the erogenous zones.

Always use lubricant when stimulating a woman’s genitals.
This is not much of a consideration during oral sex, because the tongue is self-lubricating. But with your fingers, always use a lube of some kind. Saliva is a good natural one, as are her own vaginal secretions. But it’s good to have something artificial within reach at all times. Some women like unscented massage oil, and some like Astroglide, Probe, Liquid Silk, or K-Y. Whatever she likes, use it and plenty of it.

Even at the hot spot, don’t go to the hottest part of it right away.
Again, go from least to most sensitive. When she puts your hand on her vulva, that does not mean you should directly focus on her clitoris, the most sensitive area. The vulva has lots of interesting aspects that can be enjoyably stimulated before getting to the clitoris.

Take off your hat and stay awhile.
If a certain type of stimulation is working, don’t immediately rush off elsewhere. If your partner is enjoying the stimulation of her hair, lips, toes, belly, or breasts, stay there long enough for her to really get some pleasure from it.

Let her indicate when it’s time to get more vigorous or to enter her.
This prevents a lot of ugly situations where you did what pleased you but she didn’t feel ready.

What about times when your partner indicates she wants immediate attention to a hot spot or wants immediate intercourse even though there’s been no preparation? Then you break the rules and do what your partner wants. If she pushes her nipple in your face, by all means attend to it. If she indicates she wants you inside of her despite the lack of foreplay, by all means feel free to comply.

There are times when a couple is so heated up, they want nothing more than to rip off their clothes and get right to it. If that is what is clearly wanted by both partners, of course you should go with it. Be aware, however, that such occasions are rarer than you might think from reading contemporary novels or watching contemporary movies. And when they do occur, they usually do so after the couple has spent considerable time flirting, provoking, and titillating one another on the couch, in the restaurant, or at the party.

BREASTS

Don’t go immediately for a woman’s breasts or genitals unless that’s an established MO in your relationship and you’re sure she likes it that way. Start with hugs and kisses first. When you do get to the breasts, don’t focus exclusively on them. Take in a larger area with your tongue or hands and just casually touch the breasts as you move around. When you do focus on them, don’t immediately go for the nipples. Trace your lips, tongue, or hand around the whole breast first, then perhaps try some holding or light squeezing. Breasts are sensitive, so always squeeze lightly. Don’t handle a breast any more roughly than you’d want your balls handled. If she wants firmer or harder touching, let her ask for it. By the way, don’t devote all your attention to one breast. The other one gets lonely. It doesn’t have to be fifty-fifty, but do give some attention to each. If you have your mouth on one, use your hand on the other.

While stimulating her breasts by hand or mouth, at times continue the stimulation with your hand while you give her a kiss on the mouth. One woman reader of an early draft of this chapter wrote in the margin: “Tell them kiss, kiss, kiss, then to breasts, back to kissing, then to belly, back to kissing, then to vulva, back to kissing, then to clit, and so on.” I think that pretty well sums up most women’s attitudes about kissing. But of course while you’re kissing her mouth, your hands can continue their play elsewhere.

Touch the nipple in passing, but don’t jump on it. Tease around it a number of times. Make her anticipate the more serious stimulation of the nipple to come, make her want it. When it’s time to focus on the nipple, again remember to take it easy. You can rub a nipple with a finger, flick it with a finger, or rub or squeeze it between two fingers. You can rub and flick with a tongue. You can also suck it or even bite it lightly. In one lovemaking session you can do all of these things. And while you’re doing one of them with one nipple, you can be doing the same or something different with the other. If you don’t get instructions to the contrary, change what you’re doing now and then, but not every second.

A very enjoyable position for breast stimulation is from the rear. That is, when the man is standing or sitting behind the woman or having rear-entry intercourse. From this position, you can hold the breasts from underneath, cup them, and do most of the other things we’ve already mentioned.

Don’t entirely forget the breasts when the action moves south. A woman
with sensitive breasts will enjoy stimulation on them when you’re going down on her, using your finger on her genitals, or having intercourse.