The Night We Said Yes (15 page)

NOW

11:15
P
.
M
.

Inside Evan’s house, Meg and I crash on the couch. By now, most of the people have left his party, save one guy playing a video game, and a couple of people hanging out in the corner. Evan pulls up a chair to join us.

After I tell them about the night—in mostly full detail—they just stare at me.

“So what are you going to do now?” Meg asks, not giving me any indication of what she’d prefer to hear me say.

“Nothing?” I ask, but they stare at me until I’m more honest. “I don’t know. I hate this.” I lean back and close my eyes, hoping the answer will magically appear on my eyelids. “And I feel like I’m letting everyone down.”

“Letting who down?” Meg asks, angling herself to face me.

“You guys? Jake? I don’t know.”

“Let Jake worry about Jake. Right now this is about you,” Meg says, taking my hand. I squeeze hers back in appreciation.

“And it’s clear you still like him,” Evan points out, stretching his arms over his head.

I turn to face him and furrow my brows. “I’m not sure how you came to that conclusion from my story. How I ‘still like him’?”

“Ella, I’ve done this whole act before, trying to convince yourself you’re over someone when clearly you’re not. Hell, for half my life I convinced myself I didn’t like people I really did. It sucks. So don’t lie to yourself.”

“I’m not lying to myself,” I say defensively, “I just don’t know what I want right now. He did a crappy thing, and I’m not exactly ready to say it’s all okay.”

“Good, you shouldn’t be,” Meg interjects.

“I just don’t know if it’s all worth it, especially with me leaving,” I admit, thinking about the look he gave me when I left the car. He was so disappointed.

“Are you willing to risk finding out?” Evan asks.

I think about what he asks, and honestly, I don’t know. He’s Matt.

“Hey, where’d the boyfriend go?” Meg interrupts, realizing the absence.

“Asleep. Actually, I should go check on him.” Evan stands up and frizzes my hair. “Let me know what happens. And El, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

“Like kiss a girl?” Meg jokes.

“Love you too, sis,” he says, his back to us as he walks to his bedroom.

Meg stares at me, squinting. “I wanted to wait until he was gone to yell at you.”

“I knew you’d have an opinion on this.”

“It’s bullshit, you know.”

“Excuse me?” I ask, stunned.

“Everything. Him keeping secrets, lying to you. About something so big, too. And, seriously, is it really that hard to make a phone call?”

“That’s what I said,” I point out.

“And, like, coming back here and hoping you’d take him back? After everything? Come on. You’re not that stupid.” I nod my head but her words kind of strike a chord. I’m
not
that stupid, but neither is she. And she’s taken back Jake loads of times.

“I mean, I’m glad you got your closure and all, but it’s over now, right? Just leave it there. You’re leaving, anyway. College guys are in your future.” And even though I’m listening to her, and even though she’s saying the same things I said and thought earlier, it just feels different. Perhaps it’s because it’s coming from her. Perhaps it’s because it’s okay for her to go against her rules, but not me.

“But what if he
is
really sorry? I mean, we all make mistakes.”

“El, he’s
so
not worth it.”

“And Jake is?” I cautiously ask.

“What?” she asks, taking her hand away. “What does Jake have to do with this?”

“Jake’s made hundreds of mistakes and it’s okay to take him back each and every time?” I’m not sure why I’m questioning her, but I need to know.

“Jake and I have nothing to do with you and Matt,” she says quickly.

“I know, but still. Why with him is it okay, but with Matt it isn’t? It’s not like I’m considering taking Matt back, but why
can’t
I, if I choose to?”

“Then why are you even asking?”

“I just want to know,” I say, standing up for myself.

She straightens up and tilts her head to the side, a snake waiting to attack. “Jake’s different and you know it.”

“Is he, though?” I ask, turning to face her, crossing my legs on the couch.

“Yes. He’s part of us, part of our group. And he’s never done anything to hurt me
on purpose
.”

“Meg,” I reason, “he’s flirted with other girls. In front of you. That’s okay?”

“So what you’re saying is it’s not okay to flirt, but it
is
okay to just disappear and leave you worried for, like, a year?” she stammers.

“No, I’m just trying to figure out how they’re different,” I continue, pushing her. My cheeks are heating up. I know people are watching, but I don’t want to stop. “Every time Jake does something stupid, you forgive him, and I never stand in the way. Because I want what’s best for you, and what makes you happy. But Matt makes one mistake and we’re quick to toss him out?”

“I thought you didn’t want him back,” she snaps, and she’s mostly right. I don’t even know
why
I’m arguing with her. But I just
need
to. I want to yell.

“I don’t,” I say strongly, “but I at least want the option. I feel like you’re saying no without even giving him a chance. I’m
always
behind you every time you go back to Jake . . . I just want you to support me if I want Matt back.”

“No, not when I think it’s a stupid idea. Not when I think you’ll get hurt again.”

“Yeah, maybe I will, but maybe you will with Jake.”

She presses her lips together and squints her eyes. Here goes.

“Fine, do what you want. Go say yes to him, or whatever. But next time he disappears, don’t tell me that I was right. Because I’ll already know.” She sneers, and then stands up.

“Meg—”

“No, if you want to go back to him, go ahead. You value his opinion far more than mine, clearly,” she yells, throwing her bag on her shoulder and stomping toward the door.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I ask, turning around to follow her.

“I spend
months
making you feel better, and then he says two words and you listen to him?”

“Meg, it’s not like that.” I’m used to her anger, I’ve seen it before, but it’s never been directed at me.

“Then what is it like, Ella? Huh? Explain it to me.”

“I
always
take your side, I
always
agree with you. I’m just trying to make my own decision for once, and I want you to be okay with it.”

“Because I made all of your other decisions? It was my decision that you date Nick? And Matt?”

“No, it’s just—”

“Was it my decision that you move away to college?”

“No!” I say, then pause. “Wait, is
that
what this is about?”

“No, of course not,” she says, but I think it is. I think there might be more.

“Meg . . . you know I’m not leaving because of you, right? I just wanted—I just
want
to get away. To start over somewhere new.”

“So? Go ahead and make your new life. Mine here will be just fine,” she says with a cross of her arms.

“Meg—”

“I’m going to find Jake,” she interrupts me. “Who’ll never just disappear. Who will tell me if something is up with his family. Who cares too much to do shit like that,” she yells before slamming the door behind her. I’m pretty
sure everyone in the state heard her. I slouch back on the couch and crumple. A lump is forming in my throat, but I don’t want to cry. Not here.

Does she think I’m going to disappear like Matt?

Raking my fingers through my hair, I sigh. This was not how I wanted the night to go. This is not what I wanted to happen. Why was I fighting with her? Why did that just come out of me? Was it because I meant it, or was it something else? She is right, he did a crappy thing. But so has Jake, and she knows it. And now I’ve lost all of them.

I don’t think my heart can handle any more of this.

And I think back, again, to Matt leaving, and all of the secrets he held. I can see the truth behind Meg and Jake’s relationship, but how could I not have seen what was going on back then? How could I have been so blind to how Matt was feeling? There was the time at his house when his mom was in the kitchen, but didn’t even say hi. She just walked back up to her room, and Matt assured me she was feeling sick. He knew about Chris then, didn’t he? And when he said that, I knew I saw something else in his face, something more, but I didn’t want to ask because it seemed private.

I should have asked.

“Play?” the guy on the other side of the couch asks, handing me an Xbox controller. I eye him, wondering why he thinks I’d be interested in playing when my best friend just stormed out on me. When the love of my life is back and I can’t stand to be by him. But unlike them, this guy,
this stranger, isn’t even looking at me. He’s not expecting anything from me. And for once, that feels kind of good. So I take the controller and press the Start button.

He’s playing a game where a zombie invasion has taken over Earth. My job, as Player Two, is to kill all the zombies until only humans are left. I love video games—it’s sort of my guilty pleasure—so I figure, what the hell, and start. It might feel good to lose myself in something else.

And it does. I concentrate on the zombies, not my thoughts. I click the button intensely and know my score is rising. I’m in a trance, seeing only the game. My hand is one with the controller.

But I’m not that good, and the zombies fight back. They’re biting and scratching and teething. They’re all over me, like ants crawling up my body. I try to push them off, but I can’t. I shoot madly with the gun, but it’s not working. They keep multiplying, taking over.

While I’m getting chewed on, giant yellow letters appear on the screen:
YOU’RE DAMAGED!

The thing is, I already know that.

It started early, when I was the third wheel and the sidekick to Meg and her relationships, a role I never quite grew out of. And then there was Nick and the high five and the cheating. My relationship with him layered me with experiences I didn’t want to make a part of me. I hated that he had a say in who I was becoming. I hated that I let his actions affect me. Then Matt came along. I had some notion of
him being sort of the anti-Nick, but he hurt me too. And I started to worry they all would.

I didn’t know who—or what—to trust anymore. Even Gabby let me down, so I started to wonder who would next. Jake? Meg? I started doubting myself, going back to where I was more comfortable—going along with the stream instead of creating my own tide. I stopped daring myself to live. Even tonight I followed Meg to the party when I would have preferred to stay home. I followed Matt even when I wasn’t sure if I should.

So what do I do now? I have no one to follow—I just have me.

It feels weird and lonely, but also . . . new. And real.

I feel the strength return to me, the one that came when I confronted Matt, and, just now, Meg. If I can stand up to them, maybe I can do more. Maybe I can dare myself to say yes. I’ve been living through Matt’s found objects habit for so long; it’s time to let go of that and leave my own mark. Stop writing about people and write about me.

I can keep going the way I was, keep ignoring everything that’s happened and just move away. I can continue going with the flow. Or I can change. I can make decisions for myself. I revamped my plan once, I can do it again. I can start creating my own future again and move forward. I can stop dragging my baggage around. I can be strong. I can laugh.

I tug the bracelet on my wrist and know what I have to do.

I watch my video game character get eaten and stabbed. And instead of flinching or mourning, I accept his damage and move on, as I should have half a year ago when Matt left. I put imaginary bandages on him and let him continue killing zombies, just as I’ll keep fighting. I’ll move on to my next stage without the sorrow and pain I’ve held on to for so long. Whether it’s with Matt or not, we’ll see. But it’s my decision. I may be damaged, but I’m okay.

The yellow letters flash on the screen again, signaling that my game is over. I didn’t win, but I did beat the first level. Tomorrow I’ll beat another and then another until one day there won’t be any zombies in my path.