The Night We Said Yes (18 page)

“Yeah,” Matt said, looking a bit proud, looking like he was happy to be that friend. “What did you guys do?” Matt asked, changing the subject.

“Similar to you, really. Meg sat and took her anger out on her steering wheel. And then we just . . . talked.” I left out the trip to Walmart, of course. “Oh, that reminds me, I have something for you.” I reached into my pocket for the slip of paper I’d found in Walmart’s parking lot. “Here,” I said, handing it over.

“What’s this?” He unfolded it with a wary look. And then, almost instantly, recognition. “Nacho cheese?!”

“I suppose it
is
essential for any household,” I answered. He smiled and put the paper in his pocket.

“Hey, I have a joke for you. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?”

“Nacho cheese!” I yelled. “That’s the worst joke in the world, but I love cheesy jokes so it’s okay.”

“Cheesy jokes? I see what you did there. So I guess I turned you on to picking up trash now?”

“Maybe,” I said, looking him right in the eyes. I wasn’t sure what I was feeling, but I knew bubbling inside me was hope and excitement and intrigue. I noticed the look Meg had mentioned earlier. The shine she said I had; he had it too. There was something there. I held his gaze. “It is pretty fun.”

He smiled, genuinely smiled, and then pulled a piece of paper out of his back pocket. “Well, I’ve got one for you.” He handed me the paper, and I opened it up. It was a poster for a band, an album release party that happened at One Spin a few weeks ago. He’d probably found it discarded
while setting up. I read it over, trying to figure out why it was interesting to him, until I saw the name of the band’s album.
“She Has a Pretty Smile,”
I read out loud, and grinned. Was he telling me I had a nice smile through the flyer? By the look on his face, the shy, bashful turn away, I thought maybe. And I couldn’t help but feel special, because he was communicating in his own way with me.

He grinned back and looked down. He opened his mouth to say something, and I held my breath, waiting for a response, but before any words came out, there was a tap on my shoulder.

“Um, El? You better go out back.”

“What’s up?” I asked in a daze, still distracted by the flyer. Gabby looked drained, and I quickly snapped to. Whatever had happened had wiped the previous smile off her face. I had a hunch I knew which two people were to blame.

“Meg and Jake are fighting behind the building. It’s getting . . . heated.”

“Oh god. Okay, thanks.” I sighed, folding the flyer to put in my pocket for safekeeping. I knew this would happen. I knew it would be a bad idea for her to go to him so soon. “I should go—”

“I’m coming with you,” Matt said. He already understood the importance of me being with Meg. And the need for another bystander. I nodded, and then led the way past the stage and out the back door. It banged shut loudly, but no one seemed to notice.

There wasn’t much outside. Dumpster; some trash littering the street; an old, beat-up Volvo that belonged to the owner of the store. Meg and Jake were staring at each other, screaming over the loud buzz of a radiator.

Words were flying out of their mouths, seeming to forcibly hit one another. Meg’s face was red, blotchy, and her hands were balled into fists. I knew that look; she wouldn’t be calmed down easily. Jake was more relaxed, but still spitting out his words, and I was sure his flippant attitude only added to her anger.

“I don’t get it, Jake. What do you
want
?”

“I don’t know. How many times do I have to tell you that?”

“If you don’t know, then leave me out of it,” Meg said.

“I would if you’d let me.”

“You’re the one who keeps coming back to me. Every time you’re bored with another one of your girls, you come back to me.”

“Because you tell me to!” Jake yelled. “You’re always
there.
Always telling me what I’m missing out on, or whatever. What if I’m not missing you, huh?”

“It sure seems like it, with the amount of times you’ve tried getting back with me.”

“Yeah, because it’s easy.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Meg asked, aghast.

“It means I know you’ll be there, so I might as well go back to you. Why do you think I always leave again?”

“You leave because I tell you to,” she yelled at him. “I’m
sorry I let you back in, but I’m not sorry for letting go again. I can’t
do
this anymore. I can’t keep being your backup.”

“So stop making it so easy for me. Let me get by on my own,” he yelled back.

“I’ve tried!”

“Whatever,” he said dismissively.

“No, I’m sick of this, Jake. I’m sick of everything. What do you want from me?”

“I don’t know!” he yelled again.

“Do you want me to just disappear? Leave town?” Meg asked.

“Meg—” I started, knowing this wasn’t going to end well.

“That would be great. Could you just do that?” Jake responded.

“Jake—” Matt tried.

“Fine. Consider me out of your life. It’s over. Done. Just don’t come back to me when another one of your girls decides you’re too boring or too stupid.”

“MEG—”

“And don’t come back to me when you’re lonely and desperate for affection. It’s not my fault no other guy wants you.”

“JAKE—”

But he continued. “It’s not my fault you’re a bitch.”

Meg paused, visibly shaken by his last insult. Her mouth hung open slightly. I wanted to run to her, hug her, but I knew not to yet.

“Shit, Meg, I didn’t—” Jake started.

“No!” she yelled, her voice shaking. It was loud, vibrating across the alley. Despite being hurt, she stood taller, straightening her back. “You don’t get to talk anymore. We’re done. I don’t—I don’t even know why I thought you cared.” She turned around and started walking to the door. She didn’t see us standing there; it was as if we were invisible. Spectators to a movie unfolding before our eyes. I didn’t know what to do, so I stayed where I was. It was safer.

“Don’t you get it?” Jake yelled back. “I care about you too fucking much.” He let it all out, all of his pent-up anger, all of the shutting down, it all came out in that one sentence. Years of emotions and letdowns and heartaches pulsated from his words. She paused, her back still to him. He looked down, and then walked toward her. His voice was lower, less angry. “I go back to you because I need you, but I can’t do that anymore. I can’t go through another round, knowing that I’ll eventually hurt you again.”

Tears streamed down her face. She wiped them away before turning around. “What are you talking about? How do you know?” Her voice was soft, barely audible.

“Because it’s me. I’m a fuckup. I mess everything up. I’ve messed you up enough; I can’t do it again. You were right to be done with me.” They’d broken up before, but his honesty made this time different. I could see his words still crossing Meg’s face.

“But I didn’t want to be done with you,” she admitted finally.

“I didn’t want to be done with you, either, but I just . . . can’t keep screwing you around. I know what I’m doing, and it kills me.”

“Then don’t do it,” she said simply.

“It’s not that easy. . . .” He messed up his hair, pulling at bits until they stood up. “I can’t be this perfect guy for you, as much as I’d like to. It’s just not me. I’ll always do something to fuck it all up, just like my dad. It’s in my blood.”

“You’re not a fuckup,” she said, sniffling.

“I am,” he said, moving closer to her. “And you’re my ultimate weakness.”

She nodded, understanding, then took a step toward him. “So let me help you.”

He paused for a second, and then visibly thawed as they collapsed onto each other. Tears kept coming, but they were okay.

A white flag was waved. They had a mutual understanding. Finally. I looked over at Matt, remembering he was beside me. He put his arm around my shoulders and squeezed. I leaned into him, resting my head on his collarbone. He might not have known them well, but he understood perfectly.

“We’ll get through this, you know. It’s not over. You’re not over,” Meg said gently.

“I know.” Jake shook his head. “You’re the only one who gets it.”

The door opened behind us, but only Matt and I seemed to notice.

“Hey, guys? It’s time to go on,” Barker said cautiously. He stayed concealed by the door, only poking his head out. The sight of Matt’s arm around me, and Meg’s fresh tears, made him balk. Realizing just how much he was interrupting, he shook his head and ducked back into the store. Within moments, Gabby popped her head out too, to take us all in. She gave me a wink before shutting the door yet again. I knew we’d have some explaining to do. I looked back at Meg and Jake and sighed. They weren’t over. They never would be over, and there was something oddly comforting about that.

“Come on,” Matt said, leading me back to the door. Meg pulled Jake, and he stumbled behind her. For once he wasn’t leading.

NOW

11:45
P
.
M
.

It’s about seven minutes from Evan’s door to Kiki’s, the bar/karaoke place where I’m meeting Jake and Meg.

“Thank you,” I say to Evan, giving him a big hug. “I promise to take care of Meg, even though she definitely doesn’t need taking care of.”

“She does,” Evan says. “She just doesn’t like to admit it.” With a wave, he drives off, and I’m left to face the night alone. I take a deep breath in, squeeze my hands tight, and head inside.

After Kiki’s Bar opened about five months ago, we quickly became regulars. There’s karaoke on Friday and Saturday nights and they never card. If you look old enough,
you can drink. And, because it opened after Matt left, it’s one of the only places around town that doesn’t remind me of him. He left no trace here; our relationship isn’t written on the walls. It’s a safe space, which is kind of why I’m glad Jake suggested it.

The entrance is above ground, but the bar is actually below. I slowly walk down the flight of dirty steps, careful not to touch the handrail. My shoes stick to the floor, squeaking with every step. Inside it’s small, dark, and smoky. One bartender manages the dark wooden bar behind which mirrors hang, all in differently sized black frames. It’s neat seeing yourself at different heights as you order a drink. It’s there that I find Jake.

“Hey,” I say, coming up beside him.

“Oh, thank god you’re here,” he says, pulling me in for a hug, then leaning back up against the bar. He has that laid-back rock star thing down: mussed hair, casual pose, black jacket despite the heat. He already has a drink in one hand.

“That bad?”

“I can’t handle her when she’s like this.”

“I’ll make it better,” I promise, patting him on the arm. He takes a sip and then eyes me.

“You better, otherwise we’re in for a long night.” I give him a sad smile and then turn to leave. I feel him pull on my arm, so I turn back around. “You okay? With Matt and everything?”

“I will be. I think,” I say. He nods, a silent promise that
we’ll talk more about it later.

I turn around toward the tables. In the back of the room is a small stage where, right now, a lady wearing a pink feather boa is doing her best, singing an old song my mom likes. And at a table not far from her is Meg, sitting alone and typing on her phone.

As soon as she sees me, her eyes go wide and then squint into thin lines. Clearly Jake did not tell her I was on my way. She lowers her chin, tilts her head, and with her best annoyed voice, she asks, “What are
you
doing here?”

If Jake wasn’t already at the bar, this would have been his cue to leave. Actually, if this was a year ago, it would have been mine, too. I’m not big on confrontation. And I definitely don’t want to fight with my best friend. But I know this is worth it, so I pull out a chair and sit down across from her. She crosses her arms over her chest, but doesn’t protest, doesn’t tell me to leave. That’s a good start.

“I wanted to talk,” I say, keeping my voice calm.

“Wanted to tell me that I’m wrong for dating Jake again? That all of my decisions are totally stupid?”

“No, it’s not that—”

“Then what is it? That you’re better than me because you’re moving away? That your relationship is better than mine? Because here’s something—Matt left you. He’s no better.”

Her words strike a chord, and my heart jumps in response. “You’re right, he’s not.” But I can’t let that small
fact defeat me as it has before.

“I’m glad we agree on something.” She sneers, still glaring at me. So I proceed, breathing in deep. I want to stop, I want to just give in and tell her she’s right, I’m wrong, let’s move on. But I can’t. It’s still the night, so right now I’m saying yes to speaking my mind.

“But I’m not going to take back what I said. Jake’s done some crappy things and you always return to him.” She opens her mouth to protest. “WHICH,” I yell, overpowering her for once, “I’ve always stood behind you on. And I still will. I’ll
always
support your decision, even if I don’t necessarily think it’s the right one.”

“So you don’t think getting back with Jake was right? He’s your
friend
, Ella.”

“I know, and I’m not saying that I don’t totally think it was right. I’m
glad
you guys are together
because
you’re my friends. Because I know it makes you both so crazy happy. Because you really do work well together. But sometimes—” I pause. “There were times I didn’t think you should take him back.”

“Why?”

I was dreading this question. There are millions of reasons, but I’m not about to list all of them. “Because he’s Jake? I mean, I love him, but he’s . . .” I pause, thinking of a good word. “Everywhere.”

“Everywhere.”

“Yeah. I mean, he likes you—obviously—but he’s just
all over the place. And I want him to only focus on you.”

“But I understand his situation; I mean, he’s the lead singer of a band—”

“I know, I know,” I say, sighing. “It’s just, I hate that his desire to be this rock star means you have to be okay with him flirting with other people.”

“I’m only okay with the flirting because I know he won’t do anything else,” she clarifies, but it still doesn’t make perfect sense to me. “And he never has. He’s never cheated on me.”

“I know, and I know he won’t. It’s just . . .” I pause again, leaning in. “You’re my best friend. I want the world for you. I want a guy who will bring you everything you ever wanted and more. And he doesn’t always live up to that.”

“But I like what we have. It’s why we’re together. I don’t need everything in the world.”

“I know. Believe me, I know. If you want something, you’ll get it for yourself.”

“You better believe it,” she says with a raise of her eyebrows.

“I just don’t want you to be hurt,” I finally say. “So whenever he does something stupid, I’m upset for you.”

“You don’t have to be,” she says.

“I know. I just care about you.”

“Really?” she asks, after a moment.

“Meg. Duh.” I grin and she smiles back, dropping her arms. A wave of relief washes over me; this step is complete.
“And about college . . . I’m not leaving you.”

“Well, you are.”

“Okay, I
am
leaving you, but I’ll still be here for you. You can still call me at midnight with crazy ideas like, oh, how to sneak into the back room of a club so we can meet the band playing.”

“You have to admit, my plan worked.”

“We have the pictures to prove it.” I grin, but she doesn’t. “Seriously. I’m not running away from you. If I could pack you up and bring you, I would.”

“I know . . . it’s just . . . sometimes when you talk about leaving, it feels like you want to be rid of everything here. And I’m sometimes afraid that means me, too,” she admits, and it hurts me that she thinks that. Meg rarely shows signs of weakness.

“Never, Meg. I’m coming back on weekends just
for
you.”

“You better,” she says, her posture loosening, relaxing. “And no making new friends.”

“None at all,” I say, and we both know it’s a lie, but it’s a good lie. One I don’t mind saying.

Meg sighs and says, “I don’t like being mad at you.”

“And you think I do? God, you really are scary.” I shake my head and she laughs. Her moods are a hurricane, and this one is finally passing on.

“Maybe I was a little harsh on Matt earlier,” she admits, glaring at me to let me know that she doesn’t admit she’s wrong very often. This I know.

“Nah, he deserves it,” I say, waving her away. “And maybe I was harsh on Jake.”

“Well, he
definitely
deserves it,” she jokes, and we laugh. “He has done some crappy things, and it does make me upset . . . but I don’t know. He’s so much better now, and there’s something about him. . . . Do you really think we work well together?” she asks, a glimmer in her eye. For once she’s relying heavily on my answer. So I can’t let her down.

“Absolutely. Dysfunctional at times, but always great,” I say because I can’t just say they’re perfect. They’re far from perfect, but they’re perfect enough. And that’s all right. She smiles in response and lays her arm on the table, pinkie out. I link pinkies with her and we grin like crazy people because, sometimes, it’s more fun to be crazy.

“So,” she says, taking her hand away, “any thoughts on the Matt situation? I won’t freak out this time, I promise.”

“Har har. No, not really. It’s still . . . confusing.”

“But you’re still
thinking
about him.”

“Yeah, of course,” I say.

“So the answer isn’t no, then.”

“Hmm?” I ask.

“If you didn’t want to see him again, you wouldn’t still be thinking about it.”

I open my mouth to argue, to say no, that’s not the case. But she’s right. She really is. If I didn’t care what would happen, I wouldn’t still be thinking about it. “Can I admit something?”

“Of course,” she says seriously.

“I feel bad that I didn’t know about his brother.”

“Why would you feel bad about that? He didn’t tell you—you couldn’t have known.”

“I know, but I should have. I saw him every day. I saw how some days he was off, not his usual self. Like the time we road-tripped to see that band in Tampa?” I say, remembering the day as I say it. “He was so quiet on the way there, and then tried to overcompensate once when got to the show, jumping around and stuff. It wasn’t . . . exactly him. I asked if he was okay, but he said he was fine. . . . I should have pushed him,” I admit.

“El, you had no reason to suspect something so crazy was happening to him at home. If he already decided to keep it from you, he wasn’t going to blurt it out at a concert.”

“I know, but . . .”

“And anyway, you had no idea what was going on, so wouldn’t have even known the right questions to ask. You shouldn’t feel guilty about this.”

“I know, and you’re right, but I guess . . . I just feel bad that he went through all of it alone.”

“And that was
his
decision. Remember that,” she says, staring at me, and I listen to her. Because this time she’s right. It’s just a lot to take in for one night.

I don’t want to think about that, about not knowing, anymore, so I give her the latest update. “He texted me on my way here.”

“He did? What did it say?” she asks, leaning in.

“Nothing, really. Just an old joke we had.”

“Hmmm.” She flicks her eyes up, staring at the ceiling. Contemplating. Picking her words so they don’t hurt me. But she won’t censor herself. She never does. Music fills the void as I wait for her to continue. “Let me ask you a question. Why did you like Matt?”

Why did I like Matt? It’s such a simple question, but it means everything.

“Back when we were dating, we went to this pizza place for lunch. It was when we were still getting used to each other, when we were new, so our conversations were endless. We never had awkward pauses, and never ran out of things to say. So as we’re talking, a waitress interrupts us to get our order. Thing is, I completely forgot we were in public. I was in this . . . daze, and I know he was too because we both jumped. The same thing happened tonight at Wing King. It’s like—when I’m with him, nothing else matters. He makes me feel like I’m the most important person in the world. And I know you don’t need a guy to make you feel that way, but it’s just . . . nice. He makes me feel nice. With us, nothing is ever forced.” I pause, remembering her original question. “I guess I never really thought about why we worked, we just did.”

I look up at Meg and see her smiling. A warm and fuzzy smile, one that’s usually reserved for first date reflections or love letter rereads. “Honestly?” she asks, leaning closer. Her
words are hushed. “I think him coming back is crazy, and I think you wondering about him is crazy, too. But, as we
previously
discussed, I’m not one to judge,” she points out. “That’s the thing, though. Most of the time I thought I was crazy, too, for going back to Jake. I thought I was completely mental. But something inside me said it was okay, told me to do it, despite what others thought. I knew it was right. Clearly it didn’t result in the healthiest of relationships, but I feel like everything had to happen to lead to where we are now. I feel like we’re right. Are we right? Who knows. But I’m happy, and isn’t that what matters?”

It’s the first time I’ve actually heard her say that she’s happy with Jake, with where they are, despite the ups and downs. I know she is—I can see her face when he’s around—but it’s nice to hear her say it. Just like it’s nice to see Jake being, well, Jake—and not rock star Jake.

“I liked Matt. I thought you guys worked well together. You were so happy with him. And, honestly, I was a little jealous.”

“You were?” I ask, surprised. “What were
you
jealous of?”

“Did you guys fight once? Did you even bicker? I mean, seriously, it was obnoxious how cute you were. Jake and I, on the other hand . . .”

“Gotcha.” I nod, knowing what she means.

“So, I’m not saying you should take him back or anything—I mean if you do and if he hurts you again and
then disappears, I’ll kick the shit out of him—but I’m saying you should do what feels right . . . whatever that is. So do you feel it’s right with Matt?” she asks.

“So am I late for the fire and brimstone?” Jake cuts in, appearing behind Meg and giving me an excuse not to answer. He sits down, brushes his fingers through his hair, and then throws his arm around Meg. He pulls her in for a kiss, disregarding the fact that I’m mere inches away. It’s not everything she’s ever wanted and more . . . but it’s right for her.

“Hi to you too, Jake,” I say. He pulls away and smirks. Grinning, Meg links her fingers together and rests her chin on them, elbows on the table. He keeps his arm around her. They really are good together when they want to be. She’s the only one who really understands him, and he’s the only one who really makes her happy. And as I watch him absentmindedly rub her shoulder, I think maybe Meg is onto something. She’s crazy when it comes to relationships, she really is, but she always knows what she wants and goes for it. Nothing holds her back. Maybe I need a little bit of her in me now.