The Nights Were Young (23 page)

              “Travis went to church?”  Marie asked in surprise.

              “I told you he was different than you’d remember.”  Kate coughed and wiped more tears away.  She was calming down.  “He would talk about you, sometimes, when Jenny wasn’t around.  About a month ago he came over to play poker with Joey, and was helping me do dishes, and then he started talking about you.”

              “What did he say?”

              “He was just wondering where you were, and how you might have been.”  Kate looked at her.  “He never forgot about you, Marie. And I don’t think he ever stopped loving you.”

              Marie was quiet, but her voice rose fast as she spoke. “I never stopped loving him, either.  I loved him, Kate.  I loved him and I never told him.  I never – I never helped him, and I wasn’t there for him and he needed someone!” 

              Marie was bawling.  Kate held her head on her shoulder. 

              “I missed him so much!” Marie cried.

              “I know, I know,” Kate said softly.

              “And I thought about him every day.  Every damn day.”

              Kate stroked her hair.

              “It’s not fair!” Marie cried.  “It’s not fair!”

              After a minute, she calmed down. They put their cigarettes out and Marie laid her head in Kate’s lap.  They looked silently into the night.  The stars were out, and somewhere up in them may have been Travis. 

              “How did he die?” Marie asked.

              Kate took a deep breath. “It was a car accident.  He was on the highway when he came up to a traffic jam.  In the lane next to him there was this mother and her kids, and further back on the road an eighteen-wheeler was coming.”

              “Oh God,” Marie whispered. 

              “The brakes on the rig gave out before the driver had a chance to stop.”

              Marie shut her eyes tight.

              “The newspaper said witnesses saw Travis look back and forth several times at the mom and her kids, and then at the eighteen-wheeler… and then he drove into the other lane behind her, in between her and the rig.  The driver swerved, but it was too late.  He ran over Travis, and then he hit the mom and her kids.”

              “Were they all right?”

              “Yes.  Travis’s car took most of the momentum, so they all lived.”

              Marie opened her eyes. 

              “His body was too mangled to save,” Kate said.  She put out another cigarette.  “That’s why people are putting objects into the coffin instead.”

              “That’s terrible,” Marie whispered.

              Kate nodded. “It is. It really is. But that’s what happened, and we can’t change that. We can’t change the past, Marie.”

              “I should’ve chosen so differently,” Marie said softly. “I should’ve chosen to stay friends with you, Kate, and I should’ve—”

              “Marie stop it,” Kate interrupted. “We’re still friends. Look at us; we’re here now, together. What happened – happened, but you’re here now.”

              “But it’s not the same, Kate,” Marie said. “It’s not the same. Because tomorrow, after the – after the funeral, I’ll just go back to my life, and you’ll go back to yours. I should’ve chosen differently, and then maybe I wouldn’t have to go back to that.”

              Kate sighed and ran her fingers through Marie’s hair.

              “I know you’re not happy,” Kate said. “But you don’t have to stay that way, Marie. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it doesn’t matter where you are, or how old you are, or how settled you are. You can always choose to live differently.” She paused and said softly, “Travis taught me that. He knew that Marie; he knew it well, and it’s true.”

              “Am I terrible for wishing I would’ve chosen him?” Marie asked. “If I had chosen him I would’ve been with him.”

              “He knew how you felt about him,” Kate said. A soft breeze went through the air and the wind chimes sounded. “Trust me, he knew, and you both had your time together, and I think – I think that’s all we can ask for in this life. Sometimes people come into our lives, and it’s only for a short time, but you love them – and we’re meant to love them. And, and it’s hard to accept, but I think that not everyone we love is meant to stay, not forever.”

              Marie wiped a tear from her cheek. “I think you’re right.”

              “Do you regret your time with him?” Kate asked.

              “Not at all,” Marie answered quickly. “I wouldn’t trade it back for anything. My time with him was, was the best of my life.”

              “So far, Marie,” Kate corrected her. “The best of your life so far, remember that. You’ve still got a lot of life left to live.” 

              Marie closed her eyes, and she thought about Travis the moments before he died. She could see him, the only way she could imagine him, young like when she had known him.  He was in his truck, on that highway.  He saw the mother and her kids next to him, and the speeding danger barreling down the road.  He must have known that what we did would kill him, and Marie could only imagine what thoughts ran through his mind in his final moments.  She wondered if his life flashed before him.  Was he thinking of someone?  Of Jenny?  Of his daughter?  Of Marie?  She could see him close his eyes as the eighteen-wheeler closed in on him –  he was at peace, with his decision to sacrifice his life.  He turned and looked at Marie – those dark, brown eyes; they were content.  His mouth moved, and Marie could hear his voice gently say… “Goodbye, pretty girl.”

XXVI

There were more than a hundred people at Crossfalls Baptist Church the next morning.  It seemed like the whole town had gathered to say farewell to Travis.  They moved slowly inside the church, dressed in black, talking quietly among each other.  They made their way to their seats in the pews.  In front of the audience was an empty coffin, and behind it a picture of Travis and the family he had when he died.

              He seemed so much older than Marie remembered.  In the picture, his hair was short, and he had facial hair neatly groomed into a goatee.  He was wearing a nice, button up shirt, and his smile was so genuine that it struck Marie.  It was not the flirtatious smile he had worn through the halls of school.  It was the smile she saw when they had been alone together, unforced and sincere.  Jenny was in the photo next to him. She was a beautiful woman, long brown hair, dark skin, dark eyes, and long eye lashes that their little girl also had.  Their baby girl, Lauren, was in a pink dress and sat in her mother’s lap.  Travis was behind Jenny with his arms around her.  It was a beautiful picture.

              Marie sat with Kate and her family near the front.  There was not a dry eye in the room as the eulogies were read, as the hymns were sung by the choir, and as the scripture was read by the preacher.

              “We will remember, and miss Travis,” the preacher said.  He took a moment for silence.  “At this time, anyone who has brought something they wish to place in the coffin may come and do so.”  He stepped back. 

              The pianist began another hymn.  People moved forward gradually.  Marie almost reached into her purse to get her object, but something stopped her.  It suddenly did not seem right to her.

              Kate stood and asked Marie, “Are you coming?”  

“I don’t think I want to,” Marie said. 

Kate touched her shoulder. “Okay.” She and Joey walked forward with their children. 

Marie looked onward and watched as everyone else brought something forward to give to Travis. 

              **********

              After the ceremony people stayed and talked.  Marie remained quiet and stood near the back of the room.  She caught the eye of Travis’s mother, who stood next to Jenny.  They were near Travis’s coffin. 

              His mother had aged, but she looked better than when Marie had last seen her.  She seemed healthier, and was standing straight without swaying.  She was staring at Marie, and Marie knew she would not rest later without talking with this woman.

              “Hi,” Marie said nervously when she approached them.

              Jenny looked at her and smiled.  The woman was not wearing make-up and was still gorgeous.  Her cheeks were puffy from crying.  On her hip was little Lauren, too young to fully understand what was happening. 

              “Hi,” Jenny said. 

              “I’m Marie.”  They shook hands.  “I was… a friend of Travis’s from high school.”

              “Nice to meet you,” Jenny said.

              “I’m…” Marie fought back tears.  “I’m so sorry – for - for your loss.”

              Jenny nodded and spoke kindly. “Thank you.”

              The preacher tapped Jenny on the shoulder and stole her attention. 

              “Excuse me,” Jenny said to Marie. 

              Travis’s mother held Marie’s hand.  “He talked about you,” she said quietly.  “He said you were one of the best things that ever happened to him.”

              Marie did not know what to say.

              “Marie, I am so sorry for the ways that you saw me when you came over those days.  I truly am.  I want to thank you.”

              “For what?”

              She hugged Marie, and with a crying voice said, “For being there for him when I wasn’t.”

              Marie put her arms around his mother, and said nothing.

              “Come with me, please,” his mother said.

              She led Marie to the back of room and sat down in the pew. Marie sat next to her. His mother insisted on being physically close to her, which made her uncomfortable. She folded her arms for a moment, but then she realized how cold she was acting, like her mother. She forced herself to hold out her hands and allow his mother to hold one of them while she spoke.

              “Travis and I,” his mother said. “Our relationship, wasn’t great when he was young.” She choked back tears. “You – you saw that. Do you know what I’m talking about?”

              Marie nodded.

              “We got closer after we both were – well, after we both got sober. And I asked him how he lived with me, how he survived in that ‘home’ with me.”

              Marie looked down and stayed still.

              “I put him through a lot, you know. And he said that you, Marie, were what helped him stay as long as he did.”

              Marie laughed sadly. She wiped a tear from her cheek. “He still left. He left because I was too scared to actually help him.”

              “No, no,” his mother said quickly. “It wasn’t you, sweetheart. It was – it was me.” She burst out and cried for a moment, but she calmed herself and continued. “The month before he left, things started getting really bad. I was with a man who, oh God please don’t judge me, Marie.”

              “He hit him,” Marie said, remembering the bruises Travis had.

              His mother closed her eyes and nodded.

              They sat quietly while his mother gathered her enough composure.

              “It happened a lot,” his mother said. “When he was older, he told me that he had tried once to stay sober, for you, but he couldn’t because of how bad he felt at home. Because of how bad I made him feel. You weren’t what drove him away, Marie. It was me.”

              She held both Marie’s hands and looked her in the eyes.

              “You
were
there for him,” his mother said. “As much as you could be – when I was bad, a bad mother. And I’ll be forever thankful for that.” She pulled Marie closer and wrapped her arms around her. She cried softly. “Thank you, Marie.”

              **********

“Don’t be a stranger,” Kate said. 

              Marie put her last bag in the car and hugged her.  Joey was standing beside them and their children were next to him. 

              “Trust me,” Marie said. “I won’t.  I’ll be back before you know it.” 

              Marie hugged Kate’s children, and then she hugged Joey.  She hugged Kate one last time.  “Thank you so much for calling me.” 

              “You’re welcome, and Marie,” Kate said softly. “Really, if you ever need a place to stay, for any reason, you can come here. You always have a home here.”

              Marie held her hands and nodded.

              Marie drove away, but she was not leaving town.  There was something left she had to do.

              **********

              She drove to Crossfalls Estates.  She went past the two and three-story homes.  They looked less lovely now, and the yards seemed more unkempt.  There were numerous for-sale signs.  It seemed the life in the neighborhood was leaving, just like she had left seven years ago.  She drove past her old house, stopping only for a few moments to look at it.  She could imagine the day she had moved in there, and she could see the night Travis picked her up at the front door for their first date.  She moved on, carrying further down a few more streets.  Soon enough she came to the dead end of a road that led to a boat dock on the edge of the water on the lake, a few minutes from any of the homes in the neighborhood. 

              Marie paused and gazed through the car windows.  The water was calm.  The sky was covered in gray clouds.  The road was beaten with potholes here and there.  The land around it was mostly dirt now with a few patches of grass. 

              She got out of the car and walked forward until she was near the shore of the lake.  She stopped and breathed.  It was silent except for the soft waves of the water, pushed gently forward in the breeze. 

              “Travis I - I came here,” Marie said, “because this was our spot.  Those nights when you’d show up in your truck – those were the nights that I fell in love with you.” 

              The wind blew softly. 

              “This was our spot,” she said.  “And it’ll always be our spot.”

              She hung her head. 

              “I remember one night; we were talking about everything we wanted out of life.  I remember what you said.  You wanted a family, and to be a better dad than yours was and… just to have a good life.”  She choked up.  “And I’m so glad that you got that.  You had a good life, and I’m happy for you.”

              She looked out onto the water.  It felt strange, waiting to hear his voice answer her.

              “Life is short, and you knew that.  I don’t think you’d be happy if you saw my life now.  I’m not, I’m not happy.  And there are just so many things that I wish… I wish I wasn’t going back to James… and I wish you were here.  I really, really wish you were here.”

              She wiped tears from her face. 

              “I was mad at you for a long time because you left, and I wanted so much to never think about you again. I thought I could just forget you, because you hurt me, and maybe we hurt each other.”

              She took a deep breath and looked out over the horizon.

              “And I’m so, so sorry!  I’m sorry for the way that things – ended between us.  I loved you, and I should’ve told you I loved you, and I know it’s wrong because you found Jenny and had a baby, but I should’ve given us a chance.  Because we could’ve had something good.  And we could’ve lived that good life that you had together.”  She paused.  “I was just scared.  I was just scared, and I’m sorry.”  She breathed deep.  “I’ll keep loving you, for the rest of my life.  But I’ll let you go.” She closed her eyes. “Finally, I’ll let you go.”

              She came back to her car and got two things, one from out of her purse.  She walked back to the end of the road, where the dirt began, and kneeled. Into the ground she dug a hole that was nearly a foot deep.  She picked up her object, one that she had retrieved from the jewelry box in the bottom drawer of the dresser from her closet.  It was a thin, silver chain with a music note charm dangling from its end; after all those years, she still had the necklace Travis had given her.  She placed it in the ground, and then covered the dirt back over it.  Over this she laid a flower, a lily.

              She stood and gazed back out over the water.  His spirit was somewhere, maybe there with her, maybe a million miles elsewhere.  No matter where, she knew he heard her.  “I’ll miss you,” she whispered.  “Goodbye, Travis.”