The Outsider (17 page)

Brice left them alone and went around the cabin in search of the little girl. Maysie was always shy when he came around, but he had his magic ingredient in his pocket. He’d have her out of hiding quick enough.

He spotted a flash of blue behind a tree to his left, but he didn’t look in that direction. Instead he settled down on the ground close by and took out the licorice stick he kept for just such occasions. No more than two minutes passed before Maysie sidled around the tree to stare at him with big eyes.

Brice broke off a piece of the licorice and put it in his mouth before he said, “I don’t suppose you’d like a piece, would you, Maysie?”

She shuffled her feet a minute before she whispered, “I might.”

He patted the ground beside him. “You have to sit down to really enjoy licorice.”

She crept over to him and sat down obediently. He handed her the candy and studied her while he got her talking about a bird that flew past them. Finally he asked, “Has anything been bothering you? Your ma tells me you haven’t been feeling as pert as usual.”

Maysie sucked on the licorice stick before she answered. “I been getting all wore out.”

“You mean when you’ve been helping your ma with the washing or fetching wood?”

“Ma don’t make me do much.”

“I see.” Brice put his hand on the little girl’s forehead. She didn’t feel hot. “Does anything hurt you? You have a pain anywhere?” Maysie looked thoughtful before she said, “Sometimes when I swallow my throat feels too little.”

“Not all the time?”

Maysie shook her head.

“How about opening your mouth and letting me take a peek inside? See if any frogs are hiding out down there.”

Maysie giggled before she stretched her mouth wide open.

“Nope, no frogs.” Brice couldn’t see any redness. He let her shut her mouth as he felt around on her neck. “How about now?” he asked. “Is it hurting now?”

“Uh-uh,” she said. “Mostly it just hurts when I’m feeling wore out, and I’m not wore out now.”

Brice smiled and kept talking about whatever came to mind. The licorice. An ant crawling by. The wind in the trees around the little cabin. The child was young for hysterics like her mother had had even though the symptoms were some the same. Even so, he didn’t like the look around Maysie’s eyes. He had to agree with Tyney. The child was peaked, but he couldn’t be sure what was causing it. If he hadn’t been leaving with the militia, he’d plan to check on her every few days to see what developed before he gave her any medicine. But he was leaving.

After a while, Brice patted the little girl on the head and said, “I guess I’d better be moving on.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out another licorice whip. “I’ll be leaving some medicine with your ma. Now it doesn’t taste as good as this, but you be a big girl and swallow it down for your ma and that will make you both feel better.”

Maysie clutched the licorice close to her and watched him with big eyes, her shyness falling back over her as he stood up.

When Brice went back around to the front of the cabin, Tyney had finished Nathan’s haircut and had him wearing the new shirt. She’d given him her boy’s best. That was easy enough to see, and Brice hoped the boy had had the sense to be grateful without embarrassing her again.

Tyney smiled at him. “The boy here looks like any other boy now, don’t you think, Dr. Scott?”

“You’ve got a way with the scissors all right, Tyney. I don’t know how I’ll make out without you up north.”

“You going north, Doc?”

“Afraid so. Me and the boy here are going with the militia now that Congress has declared war.”

“War!” Tyney spat out the word. “That’s all Sam and the boys talk about these days. As if we hadn’t seen enough wars whilst we been in this place.” She looked up at Brice. “But I reckon I don’t begrudge them that do go a doctor to see to them up there.”

“I hope you can keep your boys home,” Brice said.

“Oh well, they don’t none of them want to listen to their old mother. But what about my little one? Maysie?”

“I don’t know, Tyney. She does look pale.” Brice took a bottle from his saddlebags. “This tonic might help her. It could be that she’ll be back to her old self in a few days.” Brice didn’t want to worry Tyney when he really had nothing to go on, but at the same time he had to caution her. “But if she doesn’t get to feeling better, you take her on to another doctor. There’s one over toward Danville that has good hands.”

“You talking about McDowell? The one that cut on that poor woman and on Christmas Day at that.” Tyney clucked her tongue. “I couldn’t hardly believe that story when I first heard it. Him cutting her open and all.”

“She lived, Tyney. That’s the important thing to remember.”

“I reckon that had more to do with God’s will than with what he done. Anyhow I’ve heard tell he’s a poor fever doctor.”

Brice smiled a little. “They say the same about me.”

“Maybe they do, but I know better, Doc. I don’t know nothing ’bout this McDowell except what I don’t want to know.”

Brice sighed. “All right, Tyney. Dr. Johnson in town might do just as good.” He was the least dangerous of the doctors around and had a kind heart. “The time might come when you need him before I get back, and then again it might not. Most likely Maysie will snap right out of whatever’s bothering her.”

Tyney looked at the bottle in her hand. “I’m beholden to you, Dr. Scott.”

As he rode away, Brice had an uneasy feeling about the child and Tyney too if Maysie were to really take sick. It was proving harder to leave behind his patients than he’d thought.

“She was a nice woman,” Nathan said. “Appeared to set a lot of store by you, Doc.”

“I doctored her through a rough time a while back.” Brice hoped if she needed help again she’d be able to find it while he was gone. But he couldn’t worry about maybes. He knew he’d be needed where he was going.

Then the thought of Gabrielle pushed in to join his worry about Tyney and her little girl. He was deserting Gabrielle in her time of need. The child’s death was a heavy stone in her heart, and she had wanted to lean on his strength and love. She had wanted to put her hand in his and let him lead her away from the Shaker life. He had seen it in her eyes. Yet he had walked away and left her there. What else could he do? He’d offered her everything he had and she had turned him down. Because of the war. She hadn’t been able to understand that a man had to answer the call of his country in times of war whether he wanted to or not.

By the time he came back from the North, Gabrielle could be far beyond the reach of his love. The old sister would have complete power over Gabrielle now. She would pull Gabrielle back into the Shaker way and build a wall around her that Brice might never be able to breach. A deep sorrow spread through him. If only he wasn’t so bound to duty.

Brice turned his horse north. “Time to be finding the militia, boy.”

Nathan let out a war whoop, but Brice settled into a dark study. Each step his horse took tore at him as he longed to turn back to his cabin, back to Gabrielle before it was too late.

18

July 1812

It took less than a week for Gabrielle to grow weary of the constant supervision. Every waking moment Sister Helen was at her side and even at night she lay in a bed pulled close to Gabrielle’s and blocking her path to the door in such a way that Gabrielle was obligated to shake Sister Helen awake if she needed to go to the privy in the night. Gabrielle had been moved from her room with the little girls in the Children’s House to the East Family House in order for Sister Helen to watch her.

Gabrielle tried to bear it with a humble mind and a contrite spirit, but as each day passed, her spirit grew more and more restive under Sister Helen’s constant eye. Gabrielle had suffered the public humiliation of being accused of wrongdoing at the meeting. She’d made no sound of defense because she was guilty of what they said. In her heart she knew she carried even worse carnal sins. She had willingly offered her lips to the doctor and had desired his arms around her.

Her intention had been to submit to her penance willingly to show her desire to once again be in full fellowship with her brethren and sisters. But she had not expected them to assign Sister Helen to watch her. Gabrielle’s heart had sunk when she heard who would be watching her. It was surely another test of whether she could truly humble her spirit since Gabrielle had always had to struggle to feel any kind of proper sisterly love for Sister Helen.

Before Sister Helen had come together with the Believers at Harmony Hill, her gift with herbs had made her a soughtafter midwife in the area. She often talked of the babies she’d helped bring into the world and sometimes seemed to especially enjoy telling of the babies she’d caught in her hands who had never drawn breath and how the tiny infants had surely been doomed by the sins of their parents.

Sister Helen claimed Mother Ann had visited her with a special revelation when the Shakers had come from the east to first teach their beliefs at her brother’s barn. She’d known at that moment her purity of spirit and body without the touch of a man to soil her had been the Lord’s plan so that she would be better fit for her work with the Believers. From the very beginning of their village coming together she had not only seen to the physical ills of the community but also undertook the duty of watching over any new converts to be sure they did not stray from the Society’s precepts.

She reminded Gabrielle of this often during their first days together. “There are many gifts of the spirit. Not all of them have anything to do with singing or laboring the songs.”

“Yea.” Gabrielle was determined to agree with her and not let the woman’s ill attitude entice Gabrielle into allowing her tongue to lead her into more trouble by saying what she thought. Sister Helen had no ear for the melodies of the Shaker songs and her dancing was clumsy although it was said she worked long hours practicing the steps in her room. Gabrielle closed her eyes a moment and summoned all the kindness she could find in her spirit. “We could practice the laboring of the dances together if you wish.”

Sister Helen’s face went dark with anger as she glared at Gabrielle and practically spat out her words. “I need no help from one such as you. You’ve always thought you were so fine, so gifted. I guess now it will be seen which of us has the greater gifts of the spirit.”

Gabrielle lowered her eyes to the ground and managed to keep her voice even and calm. “I meant you no insult, Sister Helen. It was just a thought since we are to be together so much for the next few months.”

It would do little good to match Sister Helen’s anger with her own, although at times Gabrielle felt as if she might break into a thousand pieces if the woman did not quit staring at her or picking at her with her words. Sister Helen harped on and on about how she would have never allowed carnal thoughts to worm into her mind and separate her from the love of Mother Ann and cause her to fall into disgrace. She would have never thought of meeting a man in the woods. And certainly not one so full of the devil as the doctor.

She managed to bring these points to light often as she and Gabrielle went about their assigned duties. Now once again Sister Helen began to browbeat Gabrielle with her words. “It looks as if, Sister Gabrielle, that you should have been able to see the wrong spirit in that Dr. Scott after he led our wayward brother away from us and into sin.”

They were working in the garden, weeding and hoeing to keep out the summer weeds. It made Gabrielle’s back tired and her hands calloused, but nevertheless Gabrielle liked the feel of the dirt in her hands and the strong sunlight on her back that made the sweat run in rivulets down between her breasts. Best of all she was outside where she could look up and see the trees against the blue sky and hear the birds sing as they went joyfully about their natural duties.

When a breeze sprang up, it carried not only the smell of new mown hay but also the sweet scent of honeysuckle and roses and other flowers blooming around the buildings. Their blossoms supplied nectar for the Society’s bee swarms and thus were useful as well as beautiful. Now Gabrielle concentrated on filling her head with the sweet smells as she answered Sister Helen softly. “The doctor doesn’t believe as we do, but he is one of God’s children just as we are, Sister Helen.”

“You may have fallen to his level, Sister Gabrielle, but I can assure you that I have not.”

Gabrielle kept her eyes on her hoe as she pulled the dirt up around a bean plant. She had no desire to speak of Dr. Scott with Sister Helen. Actually there was nothing she cared to speak of with Sister Helen. And that too, the lack of sisterly affection for this woman beside her, was a sin.

But Sister Helen would not let her by so easily. “You were in the shadows there among the trees with him for a long time. What did you do?”

“I’ve told you already as I told Sister Mercy.” Gabrielle leaned down to weed out some grass growing around the roots of the bean plants. When she stood up, she let her eyes slide across Sister Helen’s face. “We talked. I asked him of our former brother’s health, and he asked me to go away with him.”

“Why didn’t you go?” Sister Helen sounded as if she wished Gabrielle had gone.

Gabrielle pulled her hoe through the dirt before she answered. She wished she didn’t have to answer at all, that she could just put all her attention on the beans in the row before her. But she could feel Sister Helen waiting for an answer, so she simply said, “My place is here with my brethren and sisters.”

Sister Helen snorted, but to Gabrielle’s relief, she left off her questioning and went back to hoeing the beans. She would ask them again. She was trying to coerce Gabrielle into admitting some worse sin. A sin that might forever put her out of fellowship with the Believers.

After a while, Sister Helen said, “You don’t talk very much, do you, Sister Gabrielle? Or perhaps you talk best with those from the world.”

A line Gabrielle had heard in meetings came to her mind. “None preaches better than the ant, and it says nothing.” As soon as the words were out, she knew she shouldn’t have spoken them aloud. Sister Helen would surely report to the elders and eldresses that Gabrielle wasn’t humbling her spirit as she should in the face of her wrongdoing. Still when she looked up and saw the sister’s face, a smile slipped through Gabrielle. A smile she did not dare let touch her lips or sneak into her eyes as she bent back to her hoeing.

So the days passed. Each one a bit harder to bear than the one before. Gabrielle prayed for the ability to feel love for Sister Helen or at least the strength to endure her presence with a quiet inner peace. But she felt no answer to her prayer, and she remembered Elder Caleb saying charity bore a humble mind. Perhaps the fault was within her. Every day when the sun went down, Gabrielle would sit during their rest time and resolve to be more humble on the coming day.

She no longer wrote in her journal as she knew Sister Helen would insist on reading any word she wrote as she wrote it. Rather she sat in silence and gathered her thoughts to her. She held them close and they made a wall of sorts against the never resting eyes of Sister Helen.

Many of her thoughts could not have been written in a journal at any rate. Journals were written to be read, and her thoughts could only be hidden. The doctor often walked through them, bringing the comfort of the memory of his touch. At first she had tried to shut him out, but as the misery inside her grew, she began to welcome him instead.

Sometimes Sister Helen would ask her sharply, “What are you thinking of, Sister Gabrielle, that brings that look to your face?”

Gabrielle always answered, “I am praying, Sister Helen.” At times it was true, and other times she only whispered a quick prayer asking forgiveness before she spoke. But the truth didn’t seem to matter as much now as bearing the constant presence of Sister Helen with the least amount of distress.

Mealtimes brought some relief for Gabrielle. Sister Helen was at her elbow as always, but there were also the other sisters of the East Family. They knew her shame, but since many of them were struggling with their own acceptance of the Shakers’ ways, their eyes didn’t condemn her. No conversation was allowed at the eating tables, but sometimes a smile spoke as well as words.

Each time she went into the biting room, Gabrielle quickly searched the tables for Sister Esther. Sometimes Esther would look up at her and accept her smile. Other times she kept her eyes to her plate as if she wasn’t even aware of the others in the room. Then Gabrielle would wish she could sit beside her and offer her whatever help she could. But that was not allowed. It was what Gabrielle regretted most about her constant supervision.

She had pleaded with Sister Mercy to allow her to continue on the same work duties with Sister Esther, but Sister Mercy hadn’t even hesitated before she refused. “You have shown yourself in need of help, Sister Gabrielle. Can we expect the lame to lead the lame?”

“I feel I can still be of help to Sister Esther,” Gabrielle had said as she looked down at Sister Mercy seated at the narrow table she used as a desk in the small room where they had shared so many talks. Sister Mercy had not given Gabrielle permission to sit down.

Sister Mercy sighed and laid down her pen as though irritated to have her work interrupted. She frowned at Gabrielle. “Perhaps you could have been if you had not allowed worldly thoughts to creep into your own head. Now you must think upon your own sins and work toward repentance and cleansing in your own life.”

“That doesn’t make the problems of my sister go away or mean that my love for her might not be a comfort to her.”

Sister Mercy stood up and leaned across the table toward Gabrielle. “Until you have once again gained the inner peace of the true Believer, your presence would only be a hindrance to the spiritual growth of Sister Esther.”

“May I at least speak to her during times of rest or at the meetings?” It seemed a reasonable enough request.

Yet Sister Mercy didn’t even consider it. “Nay, Sister Gabrielle. Ye will do well not to make requests out of keeping with your present situation.”

Gabrielle shrank back from the coldness of her words. Gabrielle had disappointed Sister Mercy by falling away from the teachings she had showered on her these many years, and Gabrielle wondered if they would ever be close again even after she stepped back into the full fellowship after serving her penance. Gabrielle bowed her head a bit as she said, “I will pray for your forgiveness, Sister Mercy.”

Sister Mercy’s voice was sharp. “It is not my forgiveness you need. It is the Eternal Father’s.”

“Yea, I have already asked his forgiveness. He knows my sin, and yet I feel I have not lost his love.” Gabrielle kept her head bent as a thankful prayer rose in her heart for that truth.

“And Mother Ann’s?”

Gabrielle had never been able to pray as easily to Mother Ann as she could to the Eternal Father. She sang the songs of Mother’s love, but yet some part of her seemed unable to reach out to Mother Ann. It was always the Eternal Father or his loving Son she felt received her prayers, but she looked up at Sister Mercy and said, “I pray daily for her love and forgiveness as well.”

“Ye will do well to remember that saying you are sorry is not always enough. Nay, sometimes it takes much more.”

“Yea, Sister Mercy,” Gabrielle had said. She’d asked more than Sister Mercy was able to give. In time the old sister might forgive Gabrielle, but there would always be this hurt between them.

So she didn’t speak with Sister Esther although she longed to. She could only pray for her, and many times her prayer was for the sister to leave the Believers. Then Sister Esther might be able to start a new life away from the sad memories of this village. She might have another child who would bring her joy.

But Sister Esther did not leave. Each night she looked a bit thinner and paler. When others of the Believers spoke to her during the meetings, she often seemed confused as if she could not understand the words reaching her ears.

One night at meeting in spite of Sister Mercy’s orders to the contrary, Gabrielle found a seat along the wall bench beside Sister Esther. Sister Helen had gotten caught up in the exercising of the songs, and for the moment she’d forgotten about Gabrielle.

Sister Helen never watched her quite so closely during meeting. They each had their parts as they labored the songs. Gabrielle was usually among the singers and Sister Helen among the dancers. Sister Esther did neither unless one of the other sisters took her hand and led her through the motions of the exercise. Even then she couldn’t keep the steps or turns in her mind, and usually they allowed her to return to the bench that held the old and the infirm.

“Sister Esther,” Gabrielle said. “How are you?”

“Gabrielle,” Sister Esther said, awareness coming to her eyes. “Where have you been?”

Sister Esther had been too deep in her own misery to even notice Gabrielle’s trouble. Gabrielle smiled and touched her hand. “I’ve been near. They’ve assigned us to different duties.”

“They must have known how I longed to talk to you and decided to keep us apart.” Sister Esther moved her hands about in her lap in quick, meaningless gestures. “I have a need to talk about my Becca, but no one will talk to me about her. They say I should forget. That I should turn my grief over to Mother Ann.”