The Outsider (16 page)

The night meeting would be over by now, and Sister Mercy would be concerned. Gabrielle wondered for a moment what she would tell her. But then she knew. If she’d truly taken the path back among the Believers, then it was time to renounce her sins. She’d tell Sister Mercy the truth, or as much of the truth as she could, and beg for her understanding and mercy.

A flash of white caught Gabrielle’s eyes on the path ahead of her. It was the apron of a sister. So she had been followed and watched.

16

As Gabrielle walked on toward the house, she felt betrayed somehow as if a trust between her and Sister Mercy had been broken. It mattered not that Gabrielle had in fact met a man and been tempted of the world in the woods. She hadn’t set out with that intent. Perhaps Sister Mercy had always sent someone to watch her every time she went into the woods to pray.

All at once, Gabrielle was ashamed of her sin of pride. She’d thought she was above suspicion. She’d thought her gifts of love and faith had somehow elevated her above those who came from the world with their sins clinging to them like burrs from the woods. She’d been so young when she’d joined the Believers, ready to receive what they taught, and she had. But now she’d been brought low with temptation and doubts. She’d have to learn to bow and be humble until her sins were forgiven. She would take no more pride in the purity of her yesterdays.

When she went into the house, Sister Helen was whispering with Sister Mercy on the stairway. Of course it would be Sister Helen with her small eyes that always noted the slightest misdeed and her sharp tongue that would forever remind one of this or that shortcoming. She did have a gift for mixing medicines and a wonderful memory for which herb was best for which illness, but she also had an everlasting memory of a person’s wrongs and took delight in carrying tales on her sisters and brethren.

Again Gabrielle was ashamed of her thoughts. She whispered her vow to be humble and contrite.

“Sister Mercy,” Gabrielle said. “I need to pray with you. My soul is weighted down with the burden of my sin.”

“Of course, Sister Gabrielle,” Sister Mercy said, but her voice sounded stiff and no kindness warmed her eyes. She led the way to the small room where she and Gabrielle had talked so many times before. Sister Mercy placed the small taper she carried on the table and perched on the edge of the chair.

Gabrielle knelt in front of her and bowed her head. “Dr. Scott sought me out in the woods.”

“Sister Helen told me it was so just a moment ago. I am saddened to know thou has fallen to the carnal ways of the world.”

“I knew not that he would be there when I went out to pray. I don’t know how he knew to find me there in my secret place.”

For a long time, Sister Mercy did not speak. Gabrielle kept her head bent and listened to the sister’s breathing. She longed to feel Sister Mercy’s forgiving hand touching her head as it had so often in the past when Gabrielle had confessed some sin to her, but Sister Mercy kept her hands folded in her lap. At last she said, “I have never known you to lie to me, Sister Gabrielle. I have no reason to believe you are doing so now. Did you send him away at once?”

Gabrielle wanted to avoid answering her question. How could she confess to her sister mother that her heart had run after the doctor? Her cheeks burned as she admitted, “I did not. When the doctor is near me, my head is full of worldly thoughts instead of spiritual ones.”

“Yea, I thought it so.”

Gabrielle didn’t look up. If there was disappointment on Sister Mercy’s face, she didn’t want to see it and know it was because of her wanton behavior. She went on. “He is gone now.”

“You sent him away?”

“I told him that I must stay here with my family. That I couldn’t share his life as he wished.” Sorrow filled her as she thought of Brice walking away, each step going farther from her, and she felt hollow and empty inside.

“He is surely from the devil.” Sister Mercy’s voice was harsh. “You must pray that he has left no worldly mark upon you, Sister Gabrielle.”

“Yea, Sister Mercy.” Silence fell between them as Gabrielle tried to pray as Sister Mercy had instructed. She said the words in her mind, but they gathered and huddled there. The prayer found no wings to carry it heavenward to the Eternal Father.

At last Sister Mercy said, “I am very fond of you, Sister Gabrielle, and it pains me to do this. Nevertheless I shall have to take up this matter with the elders and eldresses. We must have proper behavior in our society if we are truly to live the life of the devoted Believer.”

“Yea. I will do whatever needs to be done to regain full fellowship with my brethren and sisters.” Gabrielle stared at the floor as she blinked back tears.

Another long silence stretched out in the room. Gabrielle could feel Sister Mercy studying her, but she kept her head bent. Finally the older sister said, “Have you told me everything, Sister Gabrielle?”

Gabrielle didn’t hesitate. The lie came easily to her lips. “Yea, Sister Mercy.” If Sister Mercy could not forgive an unplanned meeting, then she would never be able to forgive a kiss. Especially a kiss Gabrielle had so completely surrendered to. She shifted uneasily on her knees in front of Sister Mercy and tried to block from her mind how good the doctor’s arms around her had felt. In her heart she would ask the Eternal Father’s forgiveness for her desire for carnal pleasure. Perhaps he could take the guilt of this hidden sin out of her heart.

Sister Mercy sighed heavily. “Ye have been given so many gifts, my child. Mother Ann has truly blessed you and through you, all of us here at Harmony Hill. Your gifts of song bring balls of love down to us from Mother. I suppose that’s why the devil wants to tempt you away from us.”

“I am not leaving the village, Sister Mercy.”

“But you have been tempted.”

Gabrielle was silent, unable to deny the truth of her temptation. Even now a part of her was running after the doctor. “You must overcome the evil of temptation with the goodness of a life of purity.”

“Yea, Sister Mercy. I will bend my spirit after the ways of truth.” The expected words slid off her lips so easily, but would she be able to do as she said? Would she be able to stop doubting the truth as she’d known it since she’d joined the Shakers?

“Very well, Sister Gabrielle.” Sister Mercy fell silent for a moment. When she began speaking again, her words were blunt. “Nevertheless I feel it is my duty to recommend you be put under constant supervision until this temptation no longer troubles your spirit.”

Constant supervision. Gabrielle looked up at Sister Mercy, but the sister’s face was fixed and set. Nothing Gabrielle could say would sway her to lighten the punishment. Gabrielle swallowed hard. Only a few of the Believers had ever been so watched. Most of the converts preferred to leave the village rather than to submit to this constant supervision. For however long was stated, Gabrielle would not be allowed to be alone at any time. A sister would always be at her side watching her every move, listening to her every word, controlling her every breath. At least they would not be able to read her thoughts or keep her from saying her prayers silently.

“You are too quiet, Sister Gabrielle,” Sister Mercy said. “You have no reason to fear such constant supervision if you truly have a repentant spirit and nothing to hide.”

“Have you lost your trust in me, Sister Mercy?”

Sister Mercy touched Gabrielle’s shoulder lightly, but she didn’t let her hand linger there in any kind of affectionate gesture. “Perhaps that trust is being tested just as your faith is, my child. I do not desire to do anything that would bring you pain, but I must do my duty to the other brethren and sisters.”

“Yea, thy duty.” Gabrielle sought out Sister Mercy’s eyes, but the older sister looked over her shoulder toward the door. Gabrielle had little choice except to say, “I have no wish to be so watched, but neither do I have anything to hide. I will submit myself to the ruling of the council.”

Sister Mercy stood up. “Very well. It will be done.”

Gabrielle stayed on her knees. “May I stay here to pray a little longer before I go to the room with the young sisters?” Sister Mercy barely hesitated before she said, “Nay. It would be best if you go along to bed. Already it is late.”

“Yea, Sister Mercy,” Gabrielle said. There would be no more favors or rule bending for Gabrielle. Sister Mercy loved her, but she couldn’t forgive her. At least not yet. Gabrielle followed her meekly out of the room and up the hallway to her sleeping room.

The children under her care were in bed, most of them already asleep. Here and there a child moved under her covers. Gabrielle’s eyes went to Becca’s bed. Another child slept there now. A child who shed no tears and had no need of comfort in the night. And as Gabrielle did every night, she missed little Becca and felt a pang of guilt for failing to comfort her enough.

Gabrielle quickly undressed and slipped her nightdress over her head. She knelt by her bed, but prayer eluded her. Empty words bounced around in her head until she decided if she couldn’t talk to the Father, she could at least talk to herself. She had vowed to be humble, and she would keep her vow. She’d submit herself to this constant supervision even though it was sure to be arduous. Still, it wouldn’t last forever, and then she would be back in the full fellowship of the Believers where she would stay for the rest of her life. It was as it was meant to be.

Then the doctor’s words were in her mind.
“We were meant to be together.”

Deliberately she pushed a door shut in her mind in an attempt to close him out of her thoughts. But just before the door slammed shut, he slipped through to stay with her, and in spite of her resolve to walk the path of repentance, his presence in her mind comforted her.

17

After Brice left Gabrielle, the trip back through the woods to his cabin was a long one. He’d told her that someday she’d see she belonged with him, but as the shadows of the trees closed in around him, he began to doubt the truth of that. The Shakers’ hold over her was too strong, too constant. If only he could be with her where he could talk to her and see her, then he could surely make her understand. But they had her locked away from him, out of reach of his words. Soon he’d be even farther from her when he joined up with the militia, but in spite of the way that tore at his heart, he had no choice about going to war.

Maybe she was right. Maybe it had been wrong for him to ask her to come away from the Shakers when he was planning to go to the war. He could make her no real promise that he’d return. A man never knew what would happen when he stepped out on the war trail. He’d been selfish, thinking only of his own needs. His desire to carry her love with him and the sure knowledge that she’d be waiting for his return had overpowered his common sense and sent him through the woods to lie in wait of her. Now he could carry the truth of her love with him but no certainty that she’d ever be waiting for his return.

Why was it that every person he loved was taken from him? He wished he’d never let Gabrielle awaken the feelings he’d so carefully buried in his mind after Jemma died. He’d never intended to let love darken his life again. The lines of his face tightened. He’d shut her away just as he’d shut away the memory of Jemma after her death.

He tried to push all his thoughts of Gabrielle from his mind, but her beautiful blue eyes were before him full of a love she believed was wrong. He remembered the soft warmth of her skin under his fingers and how he’d wanted to touch and cherish every inch of her. The feeling was too strong to deny. He couldn’t give up. Not while there was yet a chance. Nothing but death could defeat him.

When he came out of the woods into the clearing around his cabin, he spotted the boy outside waiting for him in the moonlight. He’d grown fond of Nathan since he’d come away from the Shakers to stay with him. But tonight he wished the boy were already asleep. Brice needed time alone.

“You stayed out a long time, Doc. I was beginning to fret a little,” Nathan said.

“You don’t need to waste your time worrying over me, boy. I learned to take care of myself a long time ago.” Brice’s voice was rough with the edge of anger.

Nathan didn’t pay it much mind as he looked back at the woods. “You didn’t take your horse.”

“I didn’t go far.”

“All that lays over that way is Harmony Hill.”

“I don’t need a bit of a boy telling me where I can walk in the evening if I take a mind,” Brice said with a frown.

“No sir, you don’t, Doc, and I wasn’t meaning to be doing that.” The boy stared at the woods as if he could see through the trees and beyond to the Shaker village. After a long minute, he said, “It’s just that I can’t keep from wondering sometimes what’s going on over there.”

“You can hear whatever you like if you go into town and ask. There are always plenty of travelers who stay with the Shakers when they pass through. Some folks can’t turn down a free handout.”

“True enough,” Nathan said. “But I wouldn’t be hearing anything about the one I’d most want to hear about. Gabrielle.”

Brice was sorry he’d been so short with the boy. He sat down beside Nathan on the steps. “Don’t you ever wonder about others of your family? Your ma and pa? Are they with the Shakers?”

“Pa is. My ma, she died a few years back. I miss her some, but Pa, well, he wasn’t ever the same after he got religion. I had a sister and brother, but they died of the fever when they were just little things. And Pa, I guess he the same as died to me when we joined up with the Shakers. We haven’t said more than a dozen words to each other since. It’s only Gabrielle I think about.”

“I thought you’d about gotten over her,” Brice said.

“In a way I guess I have, Doc. But in another way, I don’t know if I ever will. I can’t rightly believe yet that she turned me away. I’d been so sure so long that she’d jump at the chance of leaving with me.”

Brice wondered for the first time what the boy would have done if Gabrielle had followed him back to his cabin tonight. He’d never told the boy how he felt about Gabrielle, not wanting to crowd in on the boy’s hurt, but maybe he should have. Brice hesitated a moment and then said, “You told me once she was beauty.”

Nathan looked at him as if hearing something different in his voice, but Brice didn’t turn his face away. The shadowy moonlight must not have revealed the truth of his feelings as Nathan looked away and up at the sky. “That and more. She’s everything I ever dreamed of.”

Brice thought of telling the boy of his own love for the young sister, but something stayed his tongue. Instead he said, “Sometimes you have to let loose one dream before you can capture a new one.”

Nathan didn’t say anything. Just kept staring at the moon and the few stars bright enough to shine along with it. Finally Brice asked, “How are your legs doing?”

The boy answered a bit too quickly. “They’re fine. I could run five miles if I had to.”

Brice reached over and grabbed the boy’s leg. “That doesn’t hurt?”

The boy couldn’t keep from flinching a little, but he said, “Not all that much, Doc. I’m plenty well enough to be going with the militia if that’s what you’ve got in mind.”

“I’m not sure you should be going at all. I can find you a place to stay while I’m gone. You’re a good worker. The Shakers taught you well, and I know this man over around Sowderville who would take you in and maybe even pay you a little for your work.”

“I won’t be wanting to do that. I’ve already decided to answer the militia call whether you go or not, Doc. So if you’re thinking I might be a hindrance to you, I can just join up on my own. I’m old enough.”

“Old enough maybe, but the question is, are you well enough?”

“I figure I can do whatever I set my mind to. Pain or no pain.”

Brice had to smile a little. The boy had a stubborn streak. “Your legs don’t hold you back much,” Brice admitted.

“They won’t hold me back fighting those redcoats either.”

“War’s sometimes more about dying than fighting,” Brice said. The boy was too eager, too young. Younger even than most boys his same age because of the years he’d spent shut away with the Shakers.

“You ever go to war, Doc?”

“Not as a soldier. But I watched the warriors go out of the village to fight when I was a boy living with the Indians, and I saw them come back. Or I saw some of them come back. Never all of them.”

“You were with the Indians?”

“For a while. They took me when I was six. Tried to turn me Indian and for a while I thought maybe they had. It wasn’t a bad life. Hard, but not bad. Alec Hope and some other trappers traded for me and brought me back to the white settlements after a few years.”

“No wonder Hope said you owed him. Rescuing you from the redskins like that.”

“You’ve been listening to Hope too much. Not all Indians are bad or even against us. There will be some Indians fighting on our side as well as against us when we get up north. Not as many, but some.”

“You think it’ll be a long fight, Doc?”

“Who can say? Maybe and maybe not. One thing for sure, it’s a long way up there to Detroit, and through some rough country.”

“I can do it, Doc.” The boy’s voice was eager. “I know I can. My grandpappy used to tell me I had the makings of a soldier when I wasn’t much higher than his knee.” When Brice didn’t say anything, Nathan went on. “Aren’t you excited about going, Doc?”

“I’m a doctor, Bates. Sworn to save lives if I can. I’ll be doing most of my fighting with the scalpel, and I don’t suppose any doctor ever looked forward to cutting off legs and arms even to save a man’s life.”

His words didn’t dampen the boy’s spirits. “When are we planning to move out?”

“Right away. There’s nothing here to hold me. My patients can get along with one of the other doctors around. Some of the folks in town might be glad to see me gone.” Brice laughed shortly. “Your Elder Caleb will probably do a special dance when he hears I’m gone.”

Nathan laughed with him. “He didn’t talk too nice about you when he was here. He thinks you planted the devil’s seed in my head.”

“Maybe I did, Bates.” Brice frowned at him. “I doubt I’m doing you any kindness by letting you come along with me.”

“I’m going whether I go with you or not, Doc. I don’t aim to be left behind, but I would count it a favor if you’d let me tag along with you. Leastways till we get to where the army’s gathering.”

“You can come with me, but it’ll be no favor.” Somewhere over in the direction of the settlement, a dog howled. Then another dog picked up the lonesome sound from a different direction. After a moment Brice said, “We’ll go out to old man Moore’s first thing in the morning. He owes me for nursing his little girl through the fever. He can spare us a horse.”

“I’d rather have a gun than a horse.”

“You’ll have a gun, boy. When the time comes.” Brice stood up. “First things first. Right now we both need to get some sleep before the sun comes up and catches us still perched out here on these steps like two old crows.”

The next morning, it didn’t take long to collect the horse from Moore. It was old and low on spirit, but it would rest the boy’s legs. Next they stopped at the cabin of a woman Brice had treated for hysterics last summer. She hadn’t had any money or anything to barter, but she was a good hand with a comb and scissors.

“Come for your haircut, Dr. Scott?” the woman asked as she set a chair out in the middle of the yard for him. “Seems like it was just the other day that I cut it for you.”

“I’m going away for a while, Tyney, so I’m thinking you might need to trim off a little more to last me till I get back. Then the boy here could use a touch of your scissors.”

Tyney pulled her scissors out of her apron pocket. She lovingly ran her fingers along their edges. She’d told Brice she’d brought them with her when she’d come out of Virginia seventeen years ago as a bride. They were her most treasured possession along with the Bible that had her mother’s handwriting inside. She looked at Nathan and said, “He looks to be one of them Shakers.”

“He was. That’s why he needs the haircut, Tyney. So folks won’t see that right off. He’s decided not to be a Shaker anymore.”

“I always figured them to be a little on the strange side anyways. What with their dancing meetings and all.” She pointed to the chair. “Go ahead and sit, Doc. I’ll get you first.”

Brice sat down and let her snip the hair off his neck. He could do it well enough himself, but Tyney had more than her share of pride. She needed a way to pay off her doctoring bill. Besides, it gave the woman a break from the monotony of her hard life, shut away from most of her neighbors by distance and trees.

She fussed over him. “I just don’t see how you get along out there in that cabin of yours, Dr. Scott, without a woman to see to you. Why, I bet you haven’t had a proper meal in days.”

Brice smiled. “It’s just that all the good women like you have already been snapped up, Tyney. Now if Sam wasn’t around, we might have something to talk about.”

She gave his shoulder a little shove. “Go along with you, Doc. A young man like you wouldn’t have the time of day for an old woman like me.”

When she’d finished cutting and combing on his hair, she brushed the loose hair off his shoulders and back before she said, “Since you’re already here and all, would you mind to look at little Maysie? She’s been a mite peaked the last few days, and Sam brought home news from town that there was fever going around.”

“I saw her run around the house a bit ago. She looked fine. Anything special she’s complaining about?”

“Nothing I can put my finger on.” Tyney rubbed her hands on her apron and said, “Oh, you know me, Doctor. Sometimes I worry when I ought to be praying, but Maysie’s my only little one. You know the boys are all about grown, and it don’t look likely that the good Lord will be blessing me with any more young’uns. It’d just make me feel lighter if you’d give her a look over before you go.”

Brice touched her arm. “Sure I will, Tyney. I’d have been by before now if you’d let me know you wanted me to.”

“I reckon I still don’t have nothing to pay you. There just ain’t never no leavings for extra.”

“The boy here could use an old shirt if one of your boys has one he can spare.”

Tyney eyeballed Nathan. “I guess as how he’s not much littler than my middle boy. I’ll give you his extra shirt before you go.”

Nathan spoke up. “I can’t take your boy’s extra shirt.”

Brice sent the boy a sharp look. “You let me and Tyney handle this, boy.”

But Tyney laughed. “I reckon the boy don’t understand how things are out here away from the Shakers’ town. You go on along and look to Maysie, Doc. I’ll explain things to him. Sit down here, boy. What’d you say your name was now?”

“Nathan Bates, ma’am,” the boy said as he sat down.

“Well, Nathan, you see it’s like this. I always was right handy with a needle and scissors, and it just so happens that I’ve got a piece of goods I’ve been wondering what to do with. I’ll have my boy a new shirt whipped up in no time flat.”