The Outsider (14 page)

Sister Mercy seemed to guess what Gabrielle was thinking. The older sister came to her and touched her cheek. “Your faith is being tested now, my child. It is often thus when one we care for dies. When I first became a Believer, there were times when my worldly past bothered me with those things I had tried to cast away from me. You must do as I did. Pray to Mother Ann to help you. She will send you love and faith enough to carry you through any sort of tribulation.”

Gabrielle bowed her head. “Yea, Sister Mercy. I’ll pray for such love and faith.”

Sister Mercy kissed the top of Gabrielle’s head. “Just as the young sister was very dear to you, so you are to me, Sister Gabrielle. It won’t be long before you will be of age to be welcomed into the circle of true Believers with the Center Family. I know you’ll be ready to serve as Mother Ann wants you to.”

“Yea, Sister Mercy. I pray so.” But even as she spoke the words, Dr. Scott was before her and she couldn’t shut away his image.

Sister Esther slipped into the room just as the meetinghouse bell began to toll. Sister Helen followed her in and said, “It is time. The brethren have brought the box.”

Carefully they placed Becca’s body in the coffin. Then several of the young sisters carried the coffin out to the graveyard where the other Believers had already gathered. Gabrielle stayed by Sister Esther’s side. When Elder Caleb finished reading from the scriptures, his eyes sought out Gabrielle to begin the funeral song.

Gabrielle swallowed hard and pushed out the words. “Our sister is gone. She is no more.”

The others joined in, and they made their slow way through the funeral song. Gabrielle had led the song before when one of their number had passed on to paradise, but never had she felt the words pulled out of her so painfully.

“We now hear the solemn call. Be prepared both great and small.” Her voice almost faded away, and she couldn’t come back as strongly as she usually did for the last line. “O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?” But she sang every word.

Esther didn’t sing. Nor did she shed any tears even when the brethren began to nail down the coffin top. She watched them intently as if to make sure it was done properly.

Gabrielle was standing so close beside Sister Esther that she felt the tremor pass through her as the brethren lowered Becca’s coffin down into the ground. She put her arm around Sister Esther’s waist, but the woman didn’t appear to notice.

Elder Caleb picked up the first handful of dirt and let it fall on the box. “From dust we came. To dust we will return.”

Slowly, one by one, the brethren and sisters filed past the small grave, dropping in handfuls of dirt. Brother Jason stared down at the small coffin a bit longer than the others before he dropped his handful of dirt. Then he looked over at Sister Esther, but she kept her eyes fastened on the open grave with no notice of him there. He turned and followed his brethren away from the graveyard.

When they were the only ones left, Gabrielle spoke softly into Sister Esther’s ear. “It’s time to leave.”

Sister Esther shook her head the barest bit. “Nay, I will stay until it’s finished.”

So they watched as the two brothers shoveled in the remaining dirt. When at last they had it smoothed over and picked up their shovels to leave, Gabrielle felt a kind of relief. At last it was over.

Sister Esther made no move to leave.

After a moment, Gabrielle said, “She is not here, you know. You heard her, Sister Esther. She said she was with the angels.”

It was a long time before Sister Esther spoke. Then her voice was flat and empty. “Yea, you are right, Sister Gabrielle. Becca is not there in that cold grave. I am. I feel as if every clod of dirt fell on my face. They didn’t bury Becca. They buried me.”

14

There was no rest from their duties. Idleness was the parent of want and was not entertained in the Believers’ life. So even on the afternoon of Becca’s funeral, Gabrielle went back out to the strawberry patch. She was glad for the work. Keeping her hands busy helped block a little of the sadness. As she filled her baskets with the plump berries just as she had the day before, it was hard to realize she could no longer look up and see Becca among the little girls in the patch.

“Sister Gabrielle,” a child’s voice cried.

A raw touch of grief shook Gabrielle, but she straightened up and pushed a smile across her face for little Suzy, who stood at her side. “What is it, dear?”

Suzy had tears in her eyes as she held out her hand. In her palm was a velvety blue and black butterfly. One of its wings moved weakly, but the other was crumpled and useless. “I didn’t mean to hurt it, Sister Gabrielle. I just wanted to touch it because it was so pretty.”

Gabrielle knelt beside her and gently lifted the butterfly into her own hand. “Don’t cry, Suzy. I know you didn’t mean to cause it harm.”

“But will it be able to fly again?”

Gabrielle carefully placed the butterfly on a strawberry leaf. “Perhaps. After it rests.”

Suzy looked from the butterfly to Gabrielle. “Does it know I didn’t aim to hurt it, Sister Gabrielle?”

“I’m sure it does, Sister Suzy, but from now on you must remember that some of God’s creatures are better left untouched. Butterflies are meant to fly free and not be captured by our hands.”

After Suzy dried her tears on a corner of her apron and ran back with the other children to gather more strawberry baskets, Gabrielle watched the butterfly wobble as it tried to balance on the leaf with its injured wing. She’d told the child it might fly again, but she didn’t really believe it. Butterflies were so fragile. Still little Suzy had not meant it harm.

Just as the Believers hadn’t meant to hurt Becca.

The pain gathered in a hard knot inside Gabrielle as she wished for the power to change things. She wanted to see the butterfly fluttering through the air again. She wanted to wipe away the night before and have Becca back beside her with her serious eyes and solemn face. She wanted to see the smile that had surely lit up Becca’s face whenever Sister Esther had pulled the little doll out of the hem of her skirt for the child. And then Gabrielle was angry because she had no such power.

The anger pushed through her and then was gone, leaving in its wake a dark, sad place. It did little good to be angry at what could not be changed. The Lord gave and the Lord took away.

Becca was dead just as the butterfly would surely die. Gabrielle grieved, but her grief did not change the truth.

With a heavy sigh, she bent down to pluck more of the red berries off the strawberry vines. Would she ever be able to eat one of the sweet strawberries with pleasure again, or would the very sight of them always bring sadness to her mind?

June came and brought warmer days as summer set in with its busy season. Gabrielle asked to be assigned to the same work details as Sister Esther.

Sister Mercy agreed. “Perhaps you will be able to help her. Sister Esther continues to resist the Believers’ way. It would seem after our little Sister Becca passed on that she would see the need for our peaceful way of life.”

“Grief weighs heavily on her now,” Gabrielle said.

“There is no need to grieve for the child. Sister Becca has gone on ahead of us to a better life in heaven. We’ve worked to make our community here a kind of heaven on earth, but we know heaven will be even finer.” Sister Mercy’s face shone with a look of rapture as she went on. “Just think of all the saints who’ll come to meet us. Mother Ann herself will take our hands and lead us to see the Christ and the Eternal Father. Yea, our little Becca has gone to a joyous home.”

“Sister Esther can’t see that as clearly as you, Sister Mercy. She needs special understanding now.”

“That is true. I fear she strays farther from the truth of the Believers every day. I think she even holds us to blame in some way for the death of our little sister. As if we didn’t do all we could for the child. Elder Caleb prayed all through the night until he heard the child had breathed her last. Sometimes the Eternal Father grants us the grace to heal and sometimes he does not.”

Gabrielle looked down at the floor. She couldn’t keep from wishing the Lord had somehow seemed fit to spare Becca. And though she tried not to let the thought come into her mind, she could not keep from believing that if they had called Dr. Scott instead of the other doctor from town, Becca might have survived the fever.

Sister Mercy touched Gabrielle’s shoulder. “Sometimes it is hard not to grieve the passing of our dear ones’ earthly bodies. I will pray that your grief goes quickly, my child.”

“My grief is slight next to Sister Esther’s.”

“I pray for her already. Remember, my child, the soul that suffers is stronger than the soul that rejoices.”

“Yea, Sister Mercy. I will pray for growth in my spirit to understand such things.”

She had so many things to remember, and it seemed just as many that she needed to put away from her mind. It was as if a wind were blowing her first one way, then another as she tried to listen to her conscience. Before the fire had brought the doctor into her life, things had been clear to her. Everything was easily seen as black or white, right or wrong. Now there was a shading of gray across her mind. At the same time, while her faith had been shaken by doubts and questions, she didn’t want to disappoint Sister Mercy and the other brethren and sisters she loved so dearly. In time the shading would fade away, and she’d once again see her life’s aim in clear light.

Right now she had to put aside her own sorrow and help Sister Esther. After the funeral, Sister Esther had withdrawn into herself much the same as Becca had done before she had died. Gabrielle didn’t try to force Sister Esther to come back into life. It hadn’t worked with Becca, and Gabrielle had no reason to think it would work for Sister Esther. Surely time and the quiet, undemanding love of her sisters would help her heal.

Gabrielle was with her as much as possible. They worked in the garden one week, the laundry the next, and then they were assigned to the kitchen. Sister Esther went about all her duties with a dull, steady sameness. Nothing Gabrielle said seemed to make a difference, so each day Gabrielle prayed Sister Esther would receive help from within her own spirit.

With Sister Mercy’s consent, Gabrielle continued to go to her place of prayer in the woods. She never spoke her prayers aloud there. The words would have clashed with the quiet peace of the place. Instead she offered her prayers in thoughts or at times simply emptied her mind in hopes the will of the Eternal Father would be made clear to her. Even with the confusion of the unanswered questions in her mind, she continued to feel a special tranquility with the trees towering around her.

Now that summer chores were heavy upon them, she often had to wait until evening to seek her season of prayer. She went during rest time and found her prayers renewed her more than a nap could have.

For a week the days had been humid with always a threat of a storm rumbling in the distance but sliding by to the north or south. Finally a storm had passed through their village during the early afternoon, lashing their buildings and crops with wind and rain. When it was over, the sky cleared and the cooled air felt fresh and clean. Gabrielle started to pray in her room because of the wet grass and trees, but the sparkle of the newly washed world beckoned to her.

It had been a long day. Kitchen duty was Gabrielle’s leastliked assignment since the kitchen was always so hot in the summer, with the heat of the day made ten times worse by the cooking fires and the ovens. Plus, since Gabrielle had no talents as a cook, she was always given the most tedious chores. She tried to work with a cheerful heart, but there had been times during the afternoon when she had hoped never to see another potato or bean. So it was a relief to be outside even if the slightest breeze did bring down showers of raindrops off the trees to dampen her clothes as she walked into the woods.

She rejoiced in the fresh green scent of the woods as she sat down on a large, flat rock in the small opening. She did not wish to get mud on her dress since she wouldn’t have time to change before meeting. She would kneel and pray later in her room. But now she breathed in the freshly washed air and opened her mind to the reality of God and the wonders of his creation.

She’d been there only a few minutes when she began to feel uneasy. Something was different. Suddenly she remembered the night last winter when she’d prayed for Nathan after the fire. Then too she had felt this uneasiness as though she weren’t alone.

Perhaps one of the sisters or brethren had followed her. It was not unknown for couples whose hearts were not fully committed to the truth of the Believers to arrange clandestine meetings in the woods. To discourage such forbidden trysts, there were watchers who noted the comings and goings of their brothers and sisters and reported to the elders and eldresses.

Two couples had just left the village the day before. In the spring and summer there were many from the Gathering Family who found they could no longer abide by the rules of the Believers. Their commitment to the way of the Believers was too weak. Elder Caleb called them “winter Shakers.” They came for a warm house and plentiful food during the hard months of winter, but as soon as spring came they were gone again.

Others managed somehow to sneak past the eyes of the watchers as something foreign to brotherly love sprang up between them. Whether they were caught or whether they weren’t, such forbidden trysts usually ended the same with the couple running away to the world.

So Gabrielle thought one of the watchers might have seen her going to the woods and followed her to be sure her purpose was innocent. Some among the Believers enjoyed catching others in wrong acts.

Gabrielle called out, “Is someone there?” The sound of her voice reached out to the trees around her, but there was no answer.

She stood up. It wasn’t really dark yet, but the shadows hung heavy among the trees. A shiver of fear crept over her. She had no fear of any of her brethren or sisters, but perhaps a wild animal had been drawn closer to the village than usual or perhaps even someone from the world.

She took a step back through the trees toward the safety of the village when someone spoke directly behind her.

“Don’t run, young sister.”