The Outsider (15 page)

15

His voice stopped her in her tracks. She whirled around as he stepped out of his hiding place. Her eyes widened, but there was no fear there. Only welcome as she whispered, “Brice.”

He hadn’t known she even knew his given name, but the sound of it on her tongue made his heart glad. He had been well hidden. She would have never seen him unless he’d intended her to. Now he reached out and pulled her back into the shadow of the trees with him. She was too surprised to resist.

For a long moment he didn’t say anything as his hand lingered on her arm. He did not want to let go of her for fear she would disappear like one of his dream images. He didn’t try to pull her closer to him. Just the sight of her there in front of him was enough. At last he lifted his other hand to gently trace the lines of her nose and cheeks, down to her lips. Their softness made him tremble.

Her lips parted and her breath was warm on his fingers. Her eyes were devouring his face, and for a breathless moment he thought she was going to step into his arms. Then all at once she turned her eyes from him and tried to jerk free from his hold.

He tightened his grip on her arm. “Wait a moment, young sister. You can’t always be running away.”

She stopped pulling against him and stood perfectly still like a captured bird too afraid to even ruffle one of its own feathers.

“Please don’t be frightened of me, Gabrielle. You have no reason to be. Ever.”

She stared up at him with a flash of anger in her eyes. “How can you expect me not to be frightened when you grab hold of me like this?”

“I don’t think that is the reason you are frightened, Gabrielle.”

She drew in a breath and became even stiller. “What do you want, Dr. Scott?”

“To see you.”

“It isn’t proper for us to meet like this. You should have gone to Elder Caleb and asked him to arrange a proper meeting if such was your desire.”

“I think not.” Brice was silent for a moment before he said, “I have been waiting. I thought you might come to me.”

“I could never do that.” Gabrielle lowered her eyes from his.

“Because you don’t want to?” Brice willed her to look back up at him as he listened intently for her answer. Slowly she raised her head. Even in the dim light of the woods, he would be able to tell if she lied.

“It isn’t right,” she said softly.

“You’re not sure of that. It’s just what they’ve told you. Do you really believe that the Shakers are the only ones to know God’s truth? Can the rest of the world be so wrong?”

“We cannot change the truth just because we might want to. If the truth was true before I knew you, then it remains true today.”

“It was never the truth. The good Lord in his wisdom designed man and woman to love one another. We need to love one another.”

“Yea, but the Lord lays different paths before each of us. I am not to be as one of the world.”

“The world is not all evil.” Brice couldn’t keep the frustration out of his voice. He pulled in a deep breath to calm himself before he said, “I didn’t come here to argue with you.”

“Nor do I have any desire to have cross words with you, but to talk of this is useless. I am a Believer.” She was silent for a moment before she asked, “Is Nathan well?”

He accepted the change in subject. He’d expected her to ask about Nathan. “He is well. He has not recovered his full strength as yet, but each day he grows stronger.” Brice frowned. “He’d best be strong for what lies ahead of him.”

“What do you mean, Dr. Scott?”

“I liked the sound of my given name on your tongue, Gabrielle. Call me Brice. You can do that much for me.”

“That would not be proper, Dr. Scott.”

“You must not have been worried about proper before.” He smiled a bit.

Color rose in her cheeks. “You startled me.”

“So I did.” He looked at her for a moment before he asked, “And do I still disturb your mind, young sister?”

She looked ready to run again, but she kept her eyes on his face as she whispered, “Yea.”

“And you still disturb my thoughts as well, Gabrielle. I fear you always will.”

“It is not my intent to disturb the peace of your thoughts.”

“Intent or not, you now live in my mind.”

She didn’t seem to know how to respond to that, so she again switched back to questions about Nathan. “You speak of Nathan needing strength. Is he in some sort of danger?”

“Don’t you people ever get the news out here?” Brice frowned a little.

“News of the world means little to us.”

“There’s a war to be fought. Congress voted to fight England again a few weeks ago. All the militias are being called up to march north and take Detroit.”

“Elder Caleb spoke of this war at our last meeting, but as Believers we have no part in any such battles. We live in peace with all people.”

“That can be easier to say than to do. Especially if all people don’t want to live in peace with you.”

“Surely Nathan does not plan to go to this war. He would be better off back among us. He could come back. He would be accepted.”

“Your Nathan will never be a Shaker. He never was. He only stayed because of you.”

Gabrielle bent her head. “I feel sorrow for being a stumbling block in my brother’s path to happiness, but I couldn’t leave with him as he asked. I spoke the truth when I told him I loved him as a brother, but that was not what he desired to hear.”

Brice put his fingers under her chin and raised her face up until he could look into her eyes again. “And is it true that you love me as a brother as well?”

It was a long time before she answered. Then the word was whispered so softly he more felt it than heard it. “Nay.”

He would forever hold in his heart the way she looked at that moment, so soft and vulnerable with her blue eyes filling with a love she couldn’t deny. Gently he wrapped his arms around her and kissed her. When her lips met his eagerly, he thought he’d won. At last he raised his mouth from hers and said, “That can’t be wrong.”

Tears filled her eyes. “But it is, Brice. I love you. I may always love you, and it is not the love of the Believers. But this worldly kind of love can lead to nothing but tragedy and heartache.”

“You’ve been shut away from normal life too long, Gabrielle. When you come away with me and become part of the real world again, you’ll understand that what we feel is not wrong. It is something to be sought after and treasured.”

“Something that hurts another is always wrong.”

Brice frowned. “I don’t know what you mean. We’ve hurt no one.”

“Becca died.”

She wasn’t making any sense to him, but he could see her sorrow. He wanted to understand. “Becca? The little girl who came to my cabin? What happened to her?”

“She took a fever. I asked for a doctor. Nay, not just a doctor. I asked that they send for you. I was so sure you would be able to heal her.”

“But Elder Caleb wouldn’t allow it.” Brice remembered the hard look on the elder’s face the last time he’d seen him.

“He would not. They got a doctor from town. As soon as he came into the room, I knew he carried death in with him. Death for Becca. I begged them to send him away, but of course, they would not.” Gabrielle looked up at Brice. “Don’t you see? If I hadn’t asked for a doctor, our prayers might have saved her. But I wanted to see you, and that was my sin.”

“You were only thinking of the child.”

“I can’t be sure of that. I should have prayed and not let my mind dwell on worldly desires.”

“She might have died anyway. There’s been fever in town. I lost a child to it last month. Sometimes there is nothing you can do to fight off the fever.”

“Was it because you bled him?”

Her words stabbed his heart. Memories of Jemma’s last days flashed into his mind as Dr. Feeley had desperately bled her in a vain attempt to save her life. He shoved aside the thought of Jemma’s blood draining into the basin taking her life with it and said, “Some of the family thought the child died because I did not.”

“The doctor they called bled Becca. I wish it could have been my arm he pierced instead of hers.”

Brice spoke gently. “No doctor or any amount of prayer will save every child who takes a fever. Death is something we have to accept.”

“But Becca was so small. She never had a chance at happiness.”

“What about you, Gabrielle? Do you want a chance at happiness?” He stared down at her intently.

She spoke in little more than a whisper. “I am happy. And content here with my brethren and sisters.” She sounded as if she were trying to convince herself as much as him.

“I don’t believe you. You are not happy. I can look in your eyes and see that what you say is not so.”

She looked at him without speaking, and after a moment he went on. “I’m offering you true happiness where your thoughts do not have to be troubled. Where you can walk on the path of love and family in a truer sense than you’ve ever known. I’m offering you my love.” He spoke the words, baring his soul, pushing his love toward her. Now it was up to her. He couldn’t force her to accept it.

Gabrielle could almost feel his love flowing through his fingers to her. It found an answering surge of desire within her, and suddenly more than anything in the world she wanted to be part of this man’s life.

He must have sensed her desire. “You can come away with me right now,” he said. “There’s nothing back there for you.”

Could he be right? Could she desert her brethren and sisters so easily? Then Sister Mercy’s voice was echoing in her head.
“You are a true Believer, my child. Mother Ann has given you many gifts. In time you will learn to use them well for the good of all in the Society.”

Who should she trust? Sister Mercy or this man whose very touch made her tremble with desire to step away from everything she’d always held true. A hint of despair leaked into her voice as she said, “But I am a part of them. They are my family.”

“I’ll be your family, Gabrielle. And our children.”

Gabrielle closed her eyes to try to sort out the jumble of thoughts flying every which way in her mind. She tried to think of her future, to call on her gift of knowing to show her the true way, but all she could see in the darkness of her mind was the doctor with a gun. She opened her eyes. “You are going to this war?”

He was silent for a moment and she sensed his uneasiness. Finally he said, “I’m a doctor. It’s my duty to go with the militia.”

“You come here to disturb my peace and ask me to walk away from my brothers and sisters when you are going to this war.” Her voice was flat.

“I won’t be leaving right away, and I will see that you’re taken care of while I’m gone. I’ll only be gone a few months at the most.”

She just stared at him, hardly able to believe his words.

He frowned a little as he went on. “You can’t think I want to go to war. But I cannot sidestep my duty. There are some things a man must do.”

Her voice was calm and assured when she spoke. Her path was once more clear in front of her. “And so I must also do what I must. I can’t go away with you, Dr. Scott. My place is here with my brethren and sisters.”

His hands tightened on her arms. “Your place is with me. I love you too much to let you stay here.”

“You have more strength than I, Dr. Scott. You could carry me away, but I do not believe that is what you want.” The light had faded and she could barely see his face.

“No, it is not.” His voice was sad. “I won’t take you against your will, my love. But someday you’ll know in your heart that we were meant to be together. That perhaps the Lord above wrote our names together in the stars and that is why our paths crossed. I’ll wait for that day.”

Gently he kissed her again and then touched her cheek with his fingers. He turned and with one step disappeared into the shadows.

She started after him and then willed her feet to stop. He was gone. Perhaps forever, for who knew if he’d ever return from this war of his. “May the Eternal Father go with you, Brice, and keep you safe,” she whispered.

She tried to say a prayer for him and for herself, but a cold emptiness opened up inside her until there seemed nothing left in her spirit, not even a prayer to cling to. She began to wonder if he had taken with him all that was alive within her.

For a long time she didn’t move. The winds of temptation scattered her thoughts in a dozen directions. Then the long years of Shaker training began to seep back into her mind. She fell to her knees on the wet ground. If she couldn’t pray, then she could surely sing. The words came to her lips almost against her will. “Come life, Shaker life! Come life eternal! Shake, shake out of me all that is carnal.”

Over and over she repeated the words. She wasn’t even sure she sang aloud. When at last she stood up, the emptiness was still inside her, but she had pushed it together into one small box of pain. She could now go on with her life. The doctor was gone out of her reach. Perhaps he’d always been beyond her reach.

As she began walking back to the house, her awareness of the things around her began coming back bit by bit. It was late. The moon was already high from the horizon. It was so bright that her shadow fell in front of her on the path and only a few stars were bright enough to appear in the moonlit sky.