The Read And Weep Bundle: Anonymous, Perfectly Hopeless, Run (10 page)

He opened the door to his apartment and threw the keys down on the kitchen table. What a night.

He could sense the whole ride back to her house that he made the wrong move. Everything was going right and like always he found a way to ruin it. He never even explained why, he just held onto his steering wheel and watched her climb out of his car and barely uttered a goodbye.

He slammed the door shut and took a seat at his table. He thought about calling her but he didn’t even know what he would say to her.

He started pacing the room. Back and forth like he always did before he made the wrong choice. But it was the one thing that took away how he felt on the inside. And his demons were really kicking up dust inside his head. They were trying to tear him down.

He flipped his table into the wall and opened up the cupboard. He found the bottle of vodka and opened it. There were no clean glasses so he just took a swig—and then another, until the bottle was halfway consumed. And he dropped to the floor. He knew he failed. But he didn’t care whatever it took to feel better.

He rubbed the back of his neck letting out a long defeated sigh, and got to his feet to sift through a drawer for his pack of cigarettes. He only smoked when he drank anymore.

The light on his answering machine flashed. So he pressed play and gritted his teeth when he heard her voice. It was his mom and she was desperate to get a hold of him. She worried about him. He tipped the bottle back and exhaled wiping at the corner of his mouth.

Fuck it. He decided he would call her.

“Hello, mom,” he couldn’t believe how hard it was to push that little word out.

“I’ve been worried about you,” she said. “Is everything okay?”

He leaned back against the wall. “Things are just peachy. What about you?”

She ignored his anger. “I’m finally adding on that addition I told you about.”

He sighed. The last time he talked to her he was high. He didn’t even know what she was talking about.

“How’s work?”

“They let me go,” he said.

“How are you paying rent?” Her voice went up a few octaves.

Hart scratched his head and shrugged. “Jesse lends me money and I do odds and ends around the lounge for him when I’m broke.”

He took another swig. “Why am I like this?” The vodka had finally got to him. “What the fuck did I do to deserve to have this fucked up head of mine?”

She went silent. She never had an answer. “The church is really very nice, Hart. Maybe next week you can come with me to a service. I think you would like it.”

He gripped the bottle of vodka tighter. “Why did you give up?”

“I’ve been going for two years now and you would be amazed how liberating it is,” she said.

“I got to go.” He hung up the phone. She wasn’t willing to give him what he wanted. She didn’t have any answers. She didn’t have an apology. And that was why he kept his distance. He’s always was hurt by the people who were supposed to care about him.

He bumped into the wall going down the hall to his bedroom. He dropped down on a pile of laundry and passed out before he could do anything stupid.

The last time he was in rehab he came straight from the hospital. He partied all night and ended up with alcohol poisoning and almost died.

That was a bad week.

She picked at the hem on her dress. While the woman next to her flipped the pages of the magazine she was reading. She’s was there to see Dr. Jon for their monthly session. They met so she could update him on how she was dealing with life and he would tell her she needed to give herself a little more credit because she had grown so much since last year.

She only wished she could believe it. She didn’t feel she grew at all. She felt like she shuffled through the motions counting down the hours until she could crawl back in bed and go to sleep.

She looked up when she heard the door open. It was Dr. Jon, he greeted each of his patients. She stood up and went around the rows of chairs.

“Nice to see you again, Elle.” He held the door open for her. She went down the long hallway to his office which sat at the very end of the hall to the left—right across from the fax machine.

“Have a seat. Can I get you water or something else to drink?” Dr. Jon asked. She shook her head no, she wasn’t feeling too thirsty. The meetings made her anxious, and when she was anxious her stomach hurt.

He took his place behind his desk. He had a comfortable chair he used to pick his patient’s brains but today he chose the desk.

“So tell me, Elle.” He leaned back in his leather computer chair. “How is cosmetology school going?”

“Good. I only have a month before I’m finished.” She nodded and stared at the big potted plant in the corner. It looks like it could use some water. “And then I have to do state boards to get my license.”

“And how do you think that will go?”

“I’m sure it will be okay. I’ve made it through the hardest parts just fine. My teacher says I’m a natural.”

Dr. Jon nodded and scribbled notes down on his yellow paper. He adjusted his tie and cleared his throat. “How are your parents?”

“They are adjusting. Dad still thinks I should be leaps and bounds ahead in my life.” She stared at her hands. “My mom is always defending my choices. I think after I get into a salon I might move out.”

It wasn’t unreasonable for her father to want her to do something with her life. He wanted the same from her brother. But he didn’t understand how she felt on the inside. He just saw a functioning young woman wasting her life away in hair school. When he thought she could do bigger and better things with her time.

“How does that make you feel?”

She pursed her lips and really considered it. “If I could feel much of anything I guess it would make me a little angry that my dad doesn’t have a tad of compassion. He’s my dad he’s supposed to make me feel better not worse.”

“We’ve discussed letting go of the things we cannot change. Have you considered putting your anger aside about that night with Stephy and maybe building new relationships with the ones you care about most?”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to do.” She carved a hand through her hair. “I broke up with Pauly.”

This sparked Dr. Jon’s full attention. He always had seen their relationship as very complicated and majorly negative. If he wasn’t a professional she was sure he would have told her Pauly was a complete dickhead. “Is this a good thing or a bad thing in your opinion?”

“Oh, it’s a good thing. I feel like a million pounds has been lifted off of my shoulders.” She exhaled at the thought of not having to deal with his arrogance anymore.

“And what does this mean for the future?” He pulled off his glasses and sets them aside. “Have you considered dating?”

What was it with Dr. Jon and wanting her to seize the day and apparently every man out there? “Hart and I have been hanging out.” Normally this would make her a bit uncomfortable discussing her love life with almost a complete stranger. But Dr. Jon was the only person who could maybe just maybe understand how she felt currently about Hart.

“Hart’s a good guy,” he said. “The only thing I can tell you about moving on with anyone, not just Hart, is to choose wisely.”

She raised an eyebrow. “You know him better than anyone. Can you at least tell me why he is so damn hot and cold all the time?”

Dr. Jon grinned. “I can only talk about Hart as a person not as a patient. Some people take a little longer to figure out. Give it time, it’s a new relationship, even if you’re thinking casually or otherwise. It takes time to get to know anyone.”

This didn’t make her feel better about being rejected by him after the kiss they shared. He hadn’t called her in a couple days. Maybe he wasn’t interested. Her mind drifted away as she stared out the small window. “I really thought we were getting closer. But as soon as I started to let my guard down he shut me down.”

Dr. Jon knew what he was about to say could get him in trouble. But he felt it was in the best interest of his patient—both of them. “This young man has a lot of demons. He’s got a heart the size of Texas but he’s his own worst enemy.”

She nodded because she knew that much.

“He’s willing to do whatever he can to take the attention off of his own problems. He doesn’t want to save himself he’s simply trying to run away from who he is and what he’s afraid to become.”

Elle insides tightened; it was hard to hear that about someone. Especially someone she felt a connection to even if neither of them wanted that connection. Maybe it was better to back away while she still could.

“So what you’re probably trying to tell me is that I should stay away from Hart for the sake of my sanity.” She stood up, it was time to leave. Their sessions were only thirty minutes. “It’s probably for the best.”

Dr. Jon stood. “I’m not saying anything. I think we all need someone in this life. There’s nothing wrong with being supportive as long as you know what’s at stake.”

Sometimes she hated the way he worded things. It always seemed like he wanted her to decipher his words rather than just give her the advice she needed. But that was the point of therapy you paid someone else to teach you how to help yourself.

She left Dr. Jon’s office alone and made it down the hall. The sound of kid’s as they played and an old lady coughing reminded her just where she was.

He’s sat in his car in a really bad part of town and debated whether or not to score something to make him forget he messed up again. He figured since he got totally wasted two nights in a row why not get high?

Besides, if he got high he would forget how much of a loser he was.

A tall guy tapped on his windshield and Hart unlocked the door letting him inside. “Long time, Hart. Where the hell have you been?”

He tugged down the baseball cap he had on. “Took me awhile to shake my conscience.”

“What are you looking to get into tonight?” This guy, Samuel his drug buddy, he was a hardcore drug addict. He didn’t care about Hart or anyone. He just wanted to get high. And when he ran out of money he was always ready to take Hart to the nearest fix so he could mooch off of him. It was only fair since he showed him where to score.

He counted the potholes on the road and battled with himself. He knew he shouldn’t be there. “Maybe I’ll just go home and sleep.”

This irritated Samuel. He shifted in his seat and turned to face Hart. “You’re already here, might as well make it a fun night. There’s a party down the road. I hear they got all kinds of shit.”

Hart grabbed his phone looking down at the number. “Here’s forty dollars, Sam. I got to go, have fun without me.” The money was gone before he could utter another word. He watched Samuel jog across the empty lot and vanish behind some dumpsters.

He looked down at his phone, she texted him. He hadn’t heard from her in days. He figured she was pissed.

He pressed the phone to his ear and waited to hear her voice.

“I thought I would say hello,” she said softly.

He leaned his head against his window. “Well hello.”

“What are you doing?”

“I don’t even know,” he said with a sigh. If she only knew. “I’m sure things you wouldn’t want to talk about.”

She laughed softly and he smiled at her exhale. “I know I am going to regret saying this but I really need to know,” she said.

“You should never live with regrets,” he said with a smile. “Tell me what’s on your mind. Are you wondering why I am such a complete idiot?”

“I thought there was something between us the other night. And I know I am the last person to know anything about this sort of thing seeing I have dated the same guy since I was a kid, but I really thought there was something there.”

Hart switched the phone to his other ear. “There’s always been something between us.”

“Oh yeah? What’s that?”

“My emotional fucking baggage,” he said. “I’m an idiot, Elle. There
was
something between us. I felt it just as much as you did. I just don’t know what to do with it.”

She pulled something out of him that he hadn’t felt in a long time. She made him feel vulnerable.

“I don’t know what to do with it either. But I want to try and figure that out. That kiss, it meant everything to me. I needed to feel something other than this misery going on inside my head.”

He pressed his head into the steering wheel, it pained him to hear her say this. He didn’t want her to hand herself over to him. He couldn’t deal with his own emotions let alone someone else’s. “I’m glad I could make you feel less miserable. You do the same for me.”

“I want to see you again,” she said. “It doesn’t have to be anything major. We can just hang out and watch a movie or something. I promise I won’t have Jesse tell me anymore embarrassing things about you.”

He smirked. “My apartment is a disaster. I’m afraid you might think less of me.”

“Shut up.”

“Okay. I’ll come get you as long as you don’t ask me to make you dinner because I am a horrible cook.” He started up his car, rubbing circles into his temple because he had one hell of a hangover. “I hope you like takeout.”