The Read And Weep Bundle: Anonymous, Perfectly Hopeless, Run (14 page)

What was she trying to say?

She hadn’t spoken since they started driving back to his apartment. She said she didn’t want to go home. That was the only thing she said since she accused him of being there the night she crashed. How was that even possible?

He looked over at her. “You remember my hat. So that means I was there that night. I don’t understand.”

He goes back to the road trying to make sense in his own mind. Anxiety gripped his core. He looked over at her again but this time he didn’t say anything. He waited until the came to a stop at the light and pulled his phone from his pocket.

He texted Jesse.
What day was the incident?

His response was almost instant.
Why? I thought we were trying not to talk about that anymore.

Just give me some idea. I’m driving I can’t look at my journal right now.

April 16.

How can you be so sure?

I remember because that also happens to be two days before my wedding anniversary. The one that had to be cancelled because we were sitting up in the hospital with you after you almost killed yourself that night. A person doesn’t forget that kind of thing.

“The light is green,” she told him.

He dropped his phone in his lap. This new revelation, it didn’t sit well with him. He didn’t believe it could be possible. But at the same time he barely remembered that night.

She noticed he wasn’t getting out of the car. She shut her door and made it around to his side. “Hart, let’s go inside.”

He wanted a beer. But he forced himself out of the car for her sake.

“Are you okay?” she asked. His hand hovered over the door but he wasn’t opening it. She took his key and opened it herself.

She sets his keys on the table and turned on the lights. “Are you hungry?” She knew it was a bit strange to think they both were at the same place that night. It caught her off guard but Hart’s reaction was a bit much.

“That was the night that I overdosed.”

“I don’t remember a lot. I just know that I saw you there. In the crowd at the party when Stephy and I decided to leave.” She took a seat on his couch and took her shoes off. “That’s when everything got crazy and we decided to leave.”

“I didn’t even know those people,” he told her. “I just wanted to keep partying.”

“Did you see me?”

He shook his head. “I don’t remember much of anything, Elle. I told you I woke up in the hospital.”

She patted the spot next to her. “Lay with me. Tonight was exhausting. I just want to close my eyes and forget it.” She did what they wanted, a little piece of her felt better but a whole lot of her felt like nothing changed. Even after doing the right thing it didn’t change the fact that Stephy wasn’t coming back.

She still felt bad. Maybe that wasn’t ever going to go away. Where did she go from there?

Hart held her close and let her drift off to sleep. He studied her breathing, for once she seemed less agitated and more relaxed. His phone buzzed in his pocket.

He rifled it free from beneath the two of them and stared at the screen.

I’m outside.

He moved off the couch taking off down the stairs. Jesse was getting out of his car in the parking lot and he never came to his apartment unless he needed to.

And he knew why he was there. He was there because he realized the same thing that he had.

“You look like shit,” Jesse told him. “What the hell is the matter?”

He drug a hand through his hair and then shoved both deep in his pockets. “I don’t know how this is even possible. But the day I overdosed is the same day Elle had her accident.”

Jesse looked at him. “The one where her friend died right?”

“Yeah.” He leaned against Jesse car. “How screwed up is that?” They both stared at the pavement. And finally Jesse spoke.

“That night at the hospital your mother said something. I never put much thought into it until now.” He hated to have to say it, but at least he was there in case things got bad. “Your mom told me and Angie that police told her you were laying in the middle of the street and several cars had to swerve to avoid hitting you.”

Hart tugged at his hair as Jesse explained “But one car wasn’t so lucky and hit a pole. Your mom was so upset about you I never thought twice about it. I think I even saw them bring the two of them in that night. The hall was filled with people, people screaming, some of them were really pissed off.”

Hart dropped to his knees, he felt like someone just punched him in the stomach.

“Hart, this is as shocking to me as it is you.” He kneeled down rubbing circles into his friends back. “I swear I never would have known if you hadn’t brought it up tonight.”

“I’m not upset with you,” he told him. “I didn’t expect you to know about this. I didn’t even know about this.”

“Let’s get you upstairs.” Jesse waited for him to stand back up.

“She’s upstairs. I can’t go upstairs right now.” He dug in his pocket for his keys. “Shit.”

“What?” Jesse looked him over.

“My keys are up there.” He wanted to go, to get as far away as he could possibly get and his keys were up stairs.

“Hart. Go upstairs and get them. Or better yet go upstairs and stay put. You don’t need to be driving right now.” Jesse rubbed the back of his neck. “Just go upstairs and sleep it off.”

He was referring to the breakdown Hart was about to have now that he realized what he had done. He needed to cope in a healthy way not the way he knew he was about to.

“Do you know what this means?” He raised an eyebrow. “I’m the reason she killed her best friend.” His heart sank. “If it weren’t for me being there, her friend wouldn’t be dead. And she wouldn’t be living her life in misery thinking she killed her best friend.”

Jesse watched him walk across the parking lot. “Hart!”

But he wasn’t listening. He wasn’t going to listen to anyone. He was going to do what he did best—mess things up even more than they already were.

He could smell the old carpet beneath his feet of the old hotel room. He rubbed his temples looking around the room for his shoes. The room was a mix of beer cans and drug residue on the end tables.

Not to mention a couple of druggies he used to party with sprawled out on the beds and floor. Along with a couple girls they asked to party with all of them.

Hart barely knew what time it was as he dug into his jeans for his keys so when he found a way home he could get into his apartment.

He felt like death. The temporary high didn’t fix or change anything that was going on in his life. The fact of the matter was he was the cause of Elle’s issues. And that hurt him to his core.

“What time is it?” One of the girls asked looking around the room for a clock. She was topless, her makeup smeared and her eyes red rimmed from the partying.

“It’s noon,” Hart responded dragging a hand through his hair.

“Did we?” She didn’t finish her sentence just eyed him. Of course they didn’t have sex. Hart was repulsed by girls like her. The last time he was in a relationship was with one just like her. He knew enough to stay away from the party type. They only wanted one thing. And they were willing to do anything to get it.

“No we didn’t. Tell them I had to go.” He dropped money on the table for his friends so they didn’t end up in a heap of trouble for skirting out on the bill, although odds were they would just use it to buy more drugs.

Before he could get out of there she asked him questions he really didn’t want to answer. “Do you think everything is going to be alright?”

He shoved his wallet into his pocket and raised his chin. “What is everything?” He didn’t have the faintest idea what he could have said.

“The girl. The one you said you were in love with.” She located her shirt and pulled it over her head. “Do you think she will forgive you? Do you think you are going to tell her?”

God did he have a big mouth when he was trashed. “I think the best thing for me to do is leave her alone.”

“That’s the stupidest thing you could do.”

“And how would you know? You don’t even know her.” He prepared to leave but he was curious to hear what she had to say.

“Because if she cares about you it would mean more to hear it come from you. Sometimes if you’re honest it doesn’t matter how bad you messed up.”

“That’s where I disagree. Take care of yourself,” he said, he pulled the door shut behind him. Telling Elle would only do one thing. It would ruin anything that was slowly building between them.

He wasn’t going to tell her. He was just going to say his goodbyes and put distance between the two of them. He’d say he fell off the wagon and he didn’t think it was a good idea for the two of them to be around each other anymore.

She would accept it, he was pretty sure she didn’t want to deal with a drug addict. She was a sweet girl but that wasn’t something she would put up with. So it was the easiest thing to do to break away.

And as he checked his phone he knew it wasn’t going to be long before he was going to have the perfect opportunity to do so. There were three missed calls from Elle, and about a dozen from Jesse.

She sipped her iced coffee doing her best to highlight flashcards for her big test coming up. She needed to focus. But the only thing on her mind was Hart and why he hadn’t called her in two days.

She dropped her chin to her palm and sighed. Ky and Gretchen both noticed the change in her mood. Ky leaned forward licking some whip cream off his fingertips. “Whatever is the matter my dear, Elle?”

“Boy drama.” She raised an eyebrow.

“I know all about that,” Ky said. He leaned back. “So dish.” He set his own flashcards down and was all ears.

But before she could answer him he interrupted. “Is this about that self-righteous snob Pauly?”

She shook her head. “Oh no, that’s been over for a little while now.”

Gretchen nodded in agreement. “I got the phone call the night it happened. This is about the hunk that came into school for the haircut, the one capable of making girls orgasm on sight.”

Elle laughed. “We were getting along really well and then he just flaked. He hasn’t called me in days. I’m starting to wonder if it has something to do with me and this benefit for Stephy.”

Ever since she spoke at the benefit Hart had changed.

Both her friends frowned. “Maybe he is busy with work.”

“He’s never busy with work.” He was avoiding her. It made her feel like she did something wrong. “He’s the sweetest, kindest, most honest guy I ever met and he doesn’t even know it.”

Gretchen touched her arm. “He’ll come around.”

“But what if he doesn’t?” She ran a hand through her hair. “What if he just forgets about me?”

“Who could forget about you?” Ky said with a smile he tried to cheer her up. “You’re smart, beautiful, and understanding.”

She knew the last one was far from the truth but she always strived towards that goal. Especially since everything that happened in her own life. She wanted to give Hart the benefit of the doubt but it was hard when he wouldn’t always communicate with her.

Ky slapped a hand down on the table. “This is what you do. You call him right now and tell him that he either man’s up and talks to you or he can kiss your sweet behind goodbye. Men like to be told what to do.”

She bit at her lip and dialed his number right there in front of her friends. After the third ring he picked up. She didn’t let him speak. “I don’t know what I did. But you are clearly avoiding me. And if you don’t care about me then say so. But if by chance you do say so because I can’t do this back and forth, Hart.” She releases a breath of air. “I just want to know that everything is alright. And that you’re okay.”

“I’m not okay,” he says. It wasn’t the answer she expected out of him. “I haven’t been okay in days. And I don’t know what to say to you to make you understand where I’m coming from.”

She struggled for words. “You
say
anything. That’s better than this.” She got out of the booth and hurried outside. “Do you care?”

“I care a lot.”

“So what’s the problem?” She took a seat on the bench outside. “That should make it easy.”

“Where are you right now?” What he had to say he wanted to say it in person not over the phone. He owed her that much. “We really need to talk.”

She bit at her nail. “I’m at the coffee shop by my house. Do you want me to come to your place?”

“No. I’ll come to you. Give me ten minutes.”

It hurt to look at her. To know that in minutes he would shatter another part of her life. But maybe just maybe he would bring some kind of relief. That was the only reason he decided to come.

As much as he enjoyed Elle being a part of his every day the idea he might be able to provide relief was enough to push him out the door. He was going to admit to something horrible in hopes of helping her. Because nobody ever did that for him, nobody ever owned up to their part in ruining his life. And he wanted to allow her to feel normal again.

He sat down, and placed his hands on top of the table. “It took longer to get here than I thought it would.”

She pushed a coffee towards him she knew he liked his coffee—black. But he didn’t take it, instead his fingers tapped the tabletop. “Did you get all your studying done for your boards?”

She furrowed her brows. “We don’t talk about school. What is wrong?” Sure he knew that she was attending and how much it meant to her most days, but it wasn’t something they ever pushed and made small talk about.

“Look.” He sighed. “I thought I could be something that I’m not. I wanted to be something that I’m not.”

She searched his eyes for the truth. He was skirting around it. “You don’t give yourself enough credit. And if this is your way of breaking things off between us then just be a man and say so. I’m a big girl I can deal with someone not wanting to be with me.”

The ice grating in the blender was really getting on his nerves. He wanted to get up and throw all the blenders across the room. “Don’t do that. This isn’t anything to do with you. And I know that sounds like bullshit but honestly it’s not.”

“So let me guess it’s because you don’t think you are worthy of being cared for by anyone?” She stood up, and knocked over the stir sticks on the table as she tried to get the hell out of there. She didn’t want to be mad at Hart but she was.

He dug in his pocket and pulled out his last ten dollars and hurried for the door before she got away. She was stubborn. “I have something to say to you that is going to put this all into perspective.”

Instead of moving further away from him she closed in on him. She shook her head refusing to let him speak and took him by the hands. “Before you say anything, I just want you to kiss me and tell me why anything you have to say matters. Tell me you don’t feel as amazing as I do when our lips touch.”

He captured her lips in a breathtakingly perfect kiss giving her what she asked for, sliding his hands from her face to the back of her head. “I couldn’t imagine anything worse than having to be away from you.” His heart ached inside his chest. “But you will even if you don’t think so right now.”

She rubbed at her cheek. “Why will I?” Why if he felt the same way that she did did he think there would ever be anything that could ruin everything that was growing between them?

“I was there that night of the accident. You said so yourself.” He squeezed her hand against his chest making her feel the thunderous beating of his heart as he explained. “That was the night I almost died and went to rehab before you got there. You crashed the car that night because of me.”

He wouldn’t let her pull her hand away.

“I was lying in the middle of the road dying and several cars nearly ran me over, including yours,” he said fighting to hold on to her quickly finished what he was trying to tell her. “You swerved, you missed me and you crashed. I’m the reason your best friend is dead.”

He finally released his grip on her. And she backed away so she could really get a look at him.

“I have to go.” She turned and walked away, leaving him there alone, just like he expected.

And he didn’t blame her, he couldn’t.