The Real Inspector Hound and Other Plays (25 page)

ABEL/CHARLIE
: Useless, git. [*Good day, sir.]
(
DOGG
exits with the ball
.
BAKER
enters. He looks at his wrist watch
.)

BAKER
: Trog poxy. [*Half-past three.]
(
There are now three satchels on the ground centre stage
.
BAKER
goes to one and extracts a packet of sandwiches
.
ABEL
and
CHARLIE
do the same. The three boys settle down and start to examine their sandwiches
.)

ABEL
: (
Looking in his sandwiches
.) Pelican crash. [*Cream cheese.]
(
To
BAKER
.) Even ran? [*What have you got?]

BAKER
: (
Looking in his sandwich
.) Hollyhocks. [*Ham.]

ABEL
: (
To
CHARLIE
.) Even ran? [*What have you got?]

CHARLIE
: (
Looking in his sandwich
.) Mouseholes. [*Egg.]

ABEL
: (
To
CHARLIE
.) Undertake sun pelican crash frankly sun mousehole? [*Swop you one cream cheese for one egg?]

CHARLIE
: (
With an amiable shrug
.) Slab. [*Okay.]
(
ABEL
and
CHARLIE
exchange half a sandwich each
.)

BAKER
: (
To Abel
.) Undertake sun hollyhocks frankly sun pelican crash?

ABEL
: Hollyhocks? Nit!

BAKER
: Squire!

ABEL
: Afternoons!
(
BAKER
fans himself with his cap and makes a comment about the heat
.)

BAKER
: Afternoons! Phew—cycle racks hardly butter fag ends.
[*Comment about heat.]

CHARLIE
: (
Agreeing with him
.) Fag ends likely butter consequential.

ABEL
: Very true. [*Needs salt.]

CHARLIE
: Eh?

ABEL
: (
Putting out his hand
.) Very true.
(
CHARLIE
takes a salt cellar out of his satchel
,
CHARLIE
passes
ABEL
the salt
.)
Cube. [*Thank you.]
(
He sprinkles salt on his sandwich and then offers salt to
BAKER
.) Very true? [*Need salt?]

BAKER
: (
Taking it
.) Cube. [Thank you.]
(
BAKER
uses the salt and puts it down next to him
.
CHARLIE
puts his hand out towards
BAKER
.)

CHARLIE
: Brick. [*Here.]
(
BAKER
passes
CHARLIE
his salt-cellar. They eat their sandwiches. The explanation for the next passage of dialogue is that
ABEL
and
BAKER,
who are due shortly to participate in a school play performed in its original language—English—start rehearsing some of their lines
.)

ABEL
: (
Suddenly
) Who’s there?

BAKER
: Nay, answer me.

ABEL
: Long live the King. Get thee to bed.

BAKER
: For this relief, much thanks.
(
ABEL
stands up
.)

ABEL
: What, has this thing appeared again tonight?
(
BAKER
stands up by him
.)

BAKER
: Peace, break thee off: look where it comes again.

ABEL
: Looks it not like the King?
(
They are not acting these lines at all, merely uttering them, tonelessly
.)

BAKER
: By heaven, I charge thee, speak!

ABEL
: ’Tis here. (
Pointing stage left
.)

BAKER
: ’Tis there. (
Pointing stage right, their arms crossing awkwardly
.)

ABEL
: ‘Tis gone.

BAKER
: But look—the russet mantle…
(
He has gone wrong. Pause
.)

ABEL
: (
Trying to help him
.) Clad—walks …
(
ABEL
and
BAKER
don’t always structure their sentences correctly
.)

BAKER
: (
Shakes his head and swears softly to himself
.)
Bicycles!
(
BAKER
produces from his pocket his script. He looks through it and finds where he has gone wrong
.)

The
morn!
—the morn in russet mantle dad—walks o’er the dew of yon high eastern hill.

ABEL
: Let us impart what we have seen tonight unto (
indicating
HAMLET
is just above waist height with his hand
.) young Hamlet… Slab? [*Okay?] Block. [*Next.]
(
BAKER
shakes his head and sits down
.)

BAKER
: (
Shakes head
.) Nit! [*No!]
(
CHARLIE,
for no reason, is singing to the tune of ‘My Way’. He doesn’t know all the words in the third line
.
BAKER
joins in on the fourth line in close harmony
.)

CHARLIE
: (
Sings
) Engage congratulate moreover state abysmal fairground.

Begat perambulate this aerodrome chocolate eclair found.
Maureen again dedum-de-da- ultimately cried egg.
Dinosaurs rely indoors if satisfied egg …

(
ABEL
blows a raspberry by way of judgement. As the song dies away a lorry is heard arriving. The three boys get up and put away their sandwich papers etc. and look expectantly in the direction of the lorry
.)

BAKER
: Artichoke. [*Lorry.]
(
BAKER
goes forward, looking out into the wings, and starts directing the lorry—which is apparently backing towards him—with expressive gestures
.)
Cauliflower …. cauliflower … hardly … onyx hardly … [*Left … left… right… right hand down … ] Tissue … tissue … slab! [*Straight… straight… okay!]
(
The lorry-driver
EASY
is heard slamming the cab door and he enters. He is dressed in a white boiler-suit and cloth cap and is carrying a rolled-up red carpet and a box of small flags on sticks. He puts them down
.)

EASY
: Buxton’s—blocks an’ that.

ABEL
: Eh?

EASY
: Buxton’s Deliveries of Leamington Spa. I’ve got a load of blocks and that. I’ll need a bit of a hand.
(
Pause. The boys look at him blankly, baffled
.)

ABEL
: Eh?

EASY
: I’ll need a bit of a hand, being as I’m on my own, seeing as my mate got struck down in a thunderstorm on the A412 near Rickmansworth—a bizarre accident … a bolt from the blue, zig-zagged right on to the perforated snout of his Micky Mouse gas mask. He was delivering five of them at the bacteriological research children’s party—entering into the spirit of it—when, shazam!—it was an electrifying moment, left his nose looking more like Donald Duck and his ears like they popped out of a toaster. He sounded like a cuckoo clock striking twelve.
(
EASY
relates story with considerable gusto, but to his disappointment it falls flat being, of course, not understood
.) Right you are then, lads. Where do you want them?
(
Another long pause
,
BAKER
takes a step forward towards
EASY,
pleased with himself for having a good idea
.)

BAKER
: By heaven I charge thee speak!
(
Pause
.)

EASY
: Who are you then?

BAKER
: (
Encouragingly
.) William Shakespeare.

EASY
: (
To
ABEL
.) Cretin is he?

BAKER
: (
Looking at his wrist watch
.) Trog-taxi.

EASY
: I thought so. (
Looking at
CHARLIE.
) Are you all a bit peculiar, then? Where’s the guvnor?
(
DOGG
enters briskly
.)

DOGG
: Useless! [*Afternoon!]

BOYS
: Useless, git! [*Afternoon, sir!]

EASY
: Afternoon, squire. [This means in Dogg, *Get stuffed, you bastard.]
(
DOGG
grabs
EASY
by the lapels in a threatening manner
.)

DOGG
: Marzipan clocks! [*Watch it!]
(
DOGG
produces a piece of paper which is a plan of the construction which is to be made on the stage. This is quite a large piece of paper and the steps and wall which are to be built are discernible on it
.
DOGG
examines the paper briefly and then starts positioning the boys
.)
Abel…

ABEL
: Slab, git. [*Yes, sir.]

DOGG
: (
Pointing towards the lorry
.) Pontoon crumble.

ABEL
: Slab, git.
(
ABEL
goes out towards the lorry
.)

DOGG
: Baker…
(
BAKER
pays attention
.)
Brick. [*Here.]
(
He positions
BAKER
next to the wing near the lorry
.)

BAKER
: Slab, git.

DOGG
: Cube. [*Thank you.] (
To
CHARLIE
.) Charlie.

CHARLIE
: Slab, git.

DOGG
: Brick.
(
He positions
CHARLIE
in line with
BAKER
and the lorry
.
EASY
stands next
CHARLIE
in the place where the steps are to be built. To
BAKER
and
CHARLIE
.) Plank? [*Ready?]

BAKER/CHARLIE
: Plank, git. [*Ready, sir.]

DOGG
: (
Calling out to
ABEL
.) Plank?

ABEL
: (
Off-stage
.) Plank, git.
(
DOGG
gives the piece of paper to
EASY
who studies it warily
.
EASY
puts the paper in his pocket
.)

DOGG
: (
Calling out to
ABEL
loudly—shouts
.) Plank!
(
To
EASY
’s
surprise and relief a plank is thrown to
BAKER
who catches it, passes it to
CHARLIE,
who passes it to
EASY,
who places it on the stage
,
DOGG
smiles, looks encouragingly at
EASY.
)

EASY
: (
Uncertainly, calls
.) Plank!
To his surprise and relief a second plank is thrown in and passed to him the same way. He places it
.)
Plank!
(
A third plank is thrown in and positioned as before
,
DOGG
leaves, satisfied. Note:
EASY
is going to build a platform, using ‘planks’, ‘slabs’, ‘blocks’ and ‘cubes’ so that the platform is stepped, with the steps upstage.
Confidently, calls
.) Plank!
(
A block is thrown instead of a plank. When it reaches
EASY,
he passes it back to
CHARLIE
who passes it back to
BAKER,
who turns and places it on the floor upstage. While
BAKER
is upstage
EASY
has repeated his call
.)
Plank!!
(
A second block is thrown straight into
CHARLIE
’s
arms
.
CHARLIE
passes it to
EASY
who passes it back to
CHARLIE
who takes it upstage to join the first block on the floor
,
EASY
shouts
.)
Plank!!!
(
A plank is thrown straight to him and he places it gratefully on the floor next to the other three
.
EASY
takes another look at the plans and replaces them into his pocket. He shouts
.)
Slab!
(
BAKER
and
CHARLIE
have resumed their positions. A slab is thrown in, caught by
BAKER,
passed to
CHARLIE,
passed to
EASY,
who places it on top of the planks
,
EASY
shouts
.)
Slab!
(
A second slab is thrown in and passed to
EASY
who places it. A third slab likewise reaches
EASY.
He needs four for his construction. He shouts
.)
Slab!
(
A block is thrown to
BAKER,
passed to
CHARLIE,
passed to
EASY,
who impatiently passes it back to
CHARLIE
who passes it back to
BAKER
who takes it upstage
,
EASY
shouts
.)
Slab!
(
Another block is thrown, straight to
CHARLIE
who passes it to
EASY
who passes it back to
CHARLIE
who walks upstage with it and places it on the floor
.)
Slab!