The Real Inspector Hound and Other Plays (26 page)

ABEL
: (
Enters smiling
.) Slab?

EASY
: Nit!

ABEL
: Nit?

EASY
: Git! Slab.
(
ABEL
leaves and a moment later another block comes flying across to
EASY
who catches it, throws it furiously at
BAKER
and
CHARLIE,
who catch it and put it down
,
EASY
walks off into the wings
.
From his satchel
CHARLIE
produces a small transistor radio which he turns on. He is lucky enough to catch his favourite song, half-way through the first verse, which we have already heard
.
CHARLIE
sings
.)

EASY
: (
Off-stage
.) Useless.

ABEL
: (
Politely, off-stage
.) Useless, git.
(
There is the sound of a slap and a sharp cry from
ABEL. EASY
re-enters carrying a slab
.
DOGG
now re-enters with a tray of
button-holes. He puts this down and picks up the box of flags
.)

DOGG
: (
Calling off-stage to
ABEL.
) Abel!

ACTA
: Slab, git.

DOGG
: Brick.
(
ABEL
enters, holding his ear and glancing aggrievedly at
EASY. DOGG
starts handing out the flags, starting with
ABEL,
who on receiving his flag goes back off-stage
.
DOGG
hands flags to
BAKER, CHARLIE
and some of the audience, counting the flags as he gives them out
.)
Sun, dock, trog, slack, pan, sock, slight, bright, none, tun, what, dunce …
(
EASY,
who has placed the slab and is watching
DOGG,
takes a step towards him
.)

EASY
: What?
(
DOGG
takes this as a correction
.)

DOGG
: Dunce.

EASY
: What??

DOGG
: Dunce!

EASY
: What??
(
DOGG
irritably does a re-count, aloud, and finds that he was right
…)

DOGG
: Sun, dock, trog, slack, pan, sock, slight, bright, none, tun, what,
dunce
!

EASY
: Oh!

DOGG
: (
Witheringly
.) Pax!
(
DOGG
then turns his attention to the button-holes
,
EASY
expects to be given one.)
(To
EASY
.) Nit!
(
He gives a button-hole to
CHARLIE
.)

CHARLIE
: Cube, git.

DOGG
: Block. [*Next.]
(
BAKER
comes forward and receives his button-hole
.)

BAKER
: Cube, git.

DOGG
: (
Calls out to
ABEL
.) Block! Abel!
(
ABEL
comes on and receives his button-hole
.
ABEL
is holding his
ear in an aggrieved manner, looking at
EASY
.)

ABEL
: Cube, git.
(
ABEL
retires back to the lorry
,
DOGG
looks expectantly at
EASY
.)

DOGG
: Slab? [*Okay?]

EASY
: Block.

DOGG
: Slab.

EASY
: Block.

DOGG
: Slab.
(
He obviously expects
EASY
to carry on with the work
,
EASY
re-examines the plan, replaces it in his pocket and nervously calls out to
ABEL
.)

EASY
: Block!
(
To his surprise and relief a block is thrown in. By this time
CHARLIE,
who had guiltily turned off the radio as soon as
DOGG
entered, has gone back to his receiving position, as has
BAKER.
The block is passed down the line to
EASY
who places it on top of the slabs. He calls out
.)
Block!
(
Another block follows the same route
,
DOGG
leaves satisfied
.
EASY
calls out
.)
Block!
(
A slab is heaved on
.
BAKER
catches it and passes it to
CHARLIE
who, however, anticipates
EASY
’s
reaction and takes it back upstage to join the blocks on the floor
.
EASY
shouts out
.)
Block!
(
Another slab is heaved on and
BAKER
no less astutely takes it upstage
,
EASY
marches off towards
ABEL
.)

CHARLIE
: Cretin is he?

BAKER
: Cretin is he?—Trog—taxi—marmalade. [*Marmalade denotes pleasure and approval.]

EASY
: (
Off-stage
.) Great Oaf!

ABEL
: Git?
(
This is followed by another cry of pain from
ABEL, CHARLIE
has turned his radio on again. The radio emits the familiar pips of the time signal
,
BAKER
checks his watch
.)

RADIO
: Check mumble hardly out. [*Here are the football results.]
(
CHARLIE
takes a pools coupon out of his satchel and starts
checking it off. The rhythm of the language coming out of the radio is the familiar one, appropriate to home wins, away wins, and draws
.

The following is a translation of the numbers;

Nil = quite

1 = sun

2 = dock

3 = trog

4 = slack

5 = pan

In addition, ‘Clock’ and ‘Foglamp’ correspond to ‘City’ and ‘United’. Thus the result, ‘Haddock Clock quite, Haddock Foglamp trog’ would be delivered with the inflections appropriate to, say, ‘Manchester City nil, Manchester United three’—an away win. The radio starts by saying, ‘Oblong Sun’ with the inflection of ‘Division One’
.)

RADIO
: Oblong Sun, Dogtrot quite, Flange dock; Cabrank dock, Blanket Clock quite; Tube Clock dock, Handbag dock; Haddock Clock quite, Haddock Foglamp trog; Wonder quite, Picknicking pan …
(
CHARLIE
whistles at that—a five-nil away win. Meanwhile
EASY
re-enters carrying a tall load of blocks, followed by
ABEL,
limping, carrying a similar load
,
EASY
puts his blocks down. He notices the radio and
CHARLIE
checking his pools
.
EASY
produces a pools coupon and a pencil before he realizes that he can’t make head or tail of the radio
.)

EASY
: (
Bemused
.) Do you mind if I ask you something. What wavelength are you on?
(
Meanwhile
BAKER
has started to make a neat wall out of the blocks and slabs which have so far been assembled. It is apparent now that some of the blocks have got apparently random letters printed on them
,
EASY,
having put away his pools coupon, adds blocks to the steps
,
ABEL
has dumped his load of blocks near
BAKER
and now limps off stage back to the lorry
,
DOGG
enters
.)

DOGG
: (
To
EASY
.) Moronic creep. [*Maroon carpet.]
(
EASY
grabs
DOGG
by the lapel
.)

EASY
: Watch it!
(
DOGG,
surprised, disengages himself
.)

DOGG
: (
To
EASY
.) Afternoons—moronic creep?

BAKER
: (
To
DOGG
.) Brick, git. [*Here, sir.]

DOGG
: Ah. Cube.
(
BAKER
points at the carpet
,
DOGG
unrolls the red carpet to make a path from the microphone to the wings
.
CHARLIE
has turned off the radio on
DOGG
’s
entrance and now
BAKER
rejoins him in building the wall
,
EASY
has completed that stage of the steps, and the wall is complete
,
BAKER
and
CHARLIE
are nowhere to be seen because they built the wall from the back and it now conceals them. This leaves
EASY
apparently alone in front of the wall. He hasn’t yet noticed the letters, which read;

MATHS
OLD
EGG

EASY
takes the plan out of his pocket and studies it again
,
DOGG
notices the wall. He looks at
EASY, EASY
looks at the wall
.
EASY
looks at
DOGG. EASY
smiles
,
DOGG
slaps
EASY
lightly on the cheek
.
EASY
opens his mouth to protest
,
DOGG
cuffs him heavily on the other cheek and knocks
EASY
through the wall which disintegrates
,
DOGG
takes the piece of paper out of
EASY
’s
pocket and looks at it carefully
,
EASY
picks himself up
.
CHARLIE
and
BAKER
go back into their receiving positions
,
DOGG
gives the paper back to
EASY
.)

EASY
: Here, what’s your game?

DOGG
: Cube. [*Thank you.]

EASY
: Eh?

DOGG
: Cube.
(
Then he calls out to
ABEL.
)
Cube! Abel!
(
A cube is thrown in to
BAKER,
passed to
CHARLIE,
passed to
EASY
who puts it in place
,
DOGG
to
CHARLIE
and
BAKER
.) Slab?

EASY
: Cube.

DOGG
: Slab.

CHARLIE/BAKER
: Cube, git!

EASY
: (
With venom
.) Git!
(
DOGG
is pleased and smiles
.
EASY
is completely at a loss
,
DOGG
leaves satisfied
.)
Cube!
(
Another cube follows the same route
.)
Cube!
(
A slab sails on and
BAKER
and
CHARLIE
catch it together. They immediately take it upstage and place it down to form the base of a rebuilt wall. They start rebuilding the wall. Meanwhile
EASY
walks off towards
ABEL
and as soon as he is off-stage there is the sound of a thump and a cry from
ABEL. ABEL
walks on, limping, holding his ear and rubbing his backside
.)

EASY
: (
Off-stage
.) Cube!
(
A cube sails on over
ABEL
’s
head, and
ABEL,
who is caught by surprise, catches it and places it on the steps. This keeps happening again and again while
BAKER
and
CHARLIE
rebuild the wall
.
ABEL,
however, makes a tower out of the cubes instead of laying them to make a new level. After seven cubes, in toto
,
EASY
enters and sees the tottering tower of cubes and just saves them from collapsing
,
BAKER
and
CHARLIE
meanwhile have removed themselves from view by rebuilding the wall which now says;