The Real Inspector Hound and Other Plays (30 page)

(
They leave. The knocking off-stage continues. A door, off-stage, opens and closes. The door into the room opens and the
INSPECTOR
enters an empty room. He seems surprised to find himself where he is. He affects a sarcastic politeness.
)

INSPECTOR
: Oh—I’m sorry—is this the National Theatre?
(
A woman, the
HOSTESS,
approaches through the audience.
)

HOSTESS
: No.

INSPECTOR
: It isn’t? Wait a minute—I could have made a mistake … is it the National Academy of Dramatic Art, or, as we say down Mexico way, NADA? … No? I’m utterly nonplussed. I must have got my wires crossed somewhere. (
He is wandering around the room, looking at the walls and ceiling.
)
Testing, testing—one, two, three …
(
To the ceiling. In other words the room is bugged for sound.
)
Is it the home of the Bohemian Light Opera?

HOSTESS
: It’s
my
home.

INSPECTOR
: (
Surprised
) You live here?

HOSTESS
: Yes.

INSPECTOR
: Don’t you find it rather inconvenient, having a lot of preening exhibitionists projecting their voices around the place?—and that’s just the audience. I mean, who wants to be packed out night after night by a crowd of fashionable bronchitics saying ‘I don’t think it’s as good as his last one,’ and expecting to use your lavatory at will? Not to mention putting yourself at the mercy of any Tom, Dick or Bertolt who can’t universalize our predicament without playing ducks and drakes with your furniture arrangements. I don’t know why you put up with it. You’ve got your rights.
(
Nosing around he picks up a tea-cosy to reveal a telephone.
) You’ve even got a telephone. I can see you’re not at the bottom of the social heap. What do you do?

HOSTESS
: I’m an artist.

INSPECTOR
: (
Cheerfully
) Well it’s not the first time I’ve been wrong. Is this ’phone practical?
(
To ceiling again
.) Six seven eight one double one.
(
He replaces the receiver.
)
Yes, if you had any pride in your home you wouldn’t take
standing-room only in your sitting-room lying down.
(
The telephone rings in his hand. He lifts it up.
)
Six seven eight: one double one? Clear as a bell. Who do you want?
(
He looks round.
)
Is Roger here?
(
Into the ’phone.
)
Roger who? Roger and out?
(
He removes the ‘phone from his ear and frowns at it.
)
Didn’t even say goodbye. Whatever happened to the tradition of old-world courtesy in this country?
(
He puts the ‘phone down just as
‘MACBETH’
and
‘LADY MACBETH’
re-enter the room.
)
Who are you, pig-face?

‘MACBETH’
: Landovsky.

INSPECTOR
: The actor?

‘MACBETH
’: The floor-cleaner in a boiler factory.

INSPECTOR
: That’s him. I’m a great admirer of yours, you know.
I’ve followed your career for years.

‘MACBETH
’: I haven’t worked for years.

INSPECTOR
: What are you talking about?—I saw you last season—
my wife was with me …

‘MACBETH
’: It couldn’t have been me.

INSPECTOR
: It
was
you—you looked great—sounded great—where were you last year?

‘MACBETH’
: I was selling papers in—

INSPECTOR
: (
Triumphantly
)—the newspaper kiosk at the tram terminus, and you were wonderful! I said to my wife, that’s Landovsky—the actor—isn’t he great?! What a character! Wonderful voice! “Getcha paper!”—up from here (
He thumps his chest.
)—no strain, every syllable given its value … Well, well, well, so now you’re sweeping floors, eh? I remember you from way back. I remember you when you were a night-watchman in the builder’s yard, and before that when you were the trolley porter at the mortuary, and before
that
when you were the button-moulder in
Peer Gynt …
Actually, Pavel, you’ve had a funny sort of career—it’s not my business, of course, but … do you know
what you want
? It’s my opinion that the public is utterly confused about your intentions. Is this where you saw it all leading to when you started off so bravely all those years ago? I remember you in your first job. You were a messenger—post office, was it …?

‘MACBETH’
:
Antony and Cleopatra.

INSPECTOR
: Right!—You see—I’m utterly confused myself. Tell me Pavel, why did you give it all up? You were a star! I saw your Hamlet, your Stanley Kowolski—I saw your Romeo with what’s her name—wonderful girl, whatever happened to
her
? Oh my God, don’t tell me!—could I have your autograph, it’s not for me, it’s for my daughter—

‘LADY MACBETH
’: I’d rather not—the last time I signed something
I didn’t work for two years.

INSPECTOR
: Now, look, don’t blame
us
if the parts just stopped coming. Maybe you got over-exposed.

‘LADY MACBETH
’: I was working in a restaurant at the time.

INSPECTOR
: (
Imperturbably
) There you are, you see. The public’s very funny about that sort of thing. They don’t want to get dressed up and arrange a baby-sitter only to find that they’ve paid good money to see
Hedda Gabler
done by a waitress. I’m beginning to understand why your audience is confined to your circle of acquaintances. (
To audience
.) Don’t move. I mean, it gives one pause, doesn’t it? ‘Tonight Macbeth will be played by Mr Landovsky who last season scored a personal success in the newspaper kiosk at the tram terminus and has recently been seen washing the floors in number three boiler factory. The role of Lady Macbeth is in the capable hands of Vera from The Dirty Spoon’ … It sounds like a rough night.
(
The words ‘rough night’ operate as a cue for the entrance of the actor playing
MACDUFF.
Enter
MACDUFF.
)

MACDUFF
: O horror, horror, horror!
Confusion now hath made his masterpiece!

INSPECTOR
: What’s
your
problem, sunshine? Don’t tell me you’ve found a corpse—I come here to be taken out of myself, not to be shown a reflection of the banality of my own life. Why
don’t you go out and come in again. I’ll get out of the way. Is this seat taken?

HOSTESS
: I’m afraid the performance is not open to the public.
(
Enter
‘ROSS’, ‘BANQUO’, ‘MALCOLM’,
but not acting.
)

INSPECTOR
: I should hope not indeed. That would be acting without authority—acting without authority!—you’d never believe I make it up as I go along … Right!—sorry to have interrupted.
(
He sits down. Pause.
)
Any time you’re ready.
(
The
HOSTESS
retires. The
ACTORS
remain standing on the stage, unco-operative, taking their lead from
‘MACBETH’.
The
INSPECTOR
leaves his seat and approaches
‘MACBETH’.
)

INSPECTOR
:
(
To
‘MACBETH’.) NOW
listen, you stupid bastard, you’d better get rid of the idea that there’s a special
Macbeth
which you do when I’m not around, and some other
Macbeth
for when I
am
around which isn’t worth doing. You’ve only got one
Macbeth.
Because I’m giving this party and there ain’t no other. It’s what we call a one-party system. I’m the cream in your coffee, the sugar in your tank, and the breeze blowing down your neck. So let’s have a little of the old trouper spirit, because if I walk out of this show I take it with me.
(
He goes back to his seat and says genially to audience.
)
So sorry to interrupt.
(
He sits down,
‘MACBETH’
is still unco-operative,
‘ROSS’
takes the initiative. He talks quietly to
‘BANQUO’,
who leaves to make his entrance again,
‘LADY MACBETH’
goes behind screen stage left.
)

INSPECTOR
: Very good. Very good! And so nice to have a play with a happy ending for a change.
(
Other
ACTORS
come on-stage in general light.)
(To
LADY MACBETH
.) Darling, you were marvellous.

‘LADY MACBETH
’: I’m not your darling.