The Real Inspector Hound and Other Plays (27 page)

MEG
SHOT
GLAD

DOGG
enters, carrying a small table with silver trophies covered with a velvet cloth. He walks to the microphone and tests it
.)

DOGG
: Sun, dock, trogg …
(
The microphone is dead
,
DOGG
to
BAKER.
)
Haddock priest.

BAKER
: Haddock, git?
DOGG
: Priest.
(
BAKER
goes to the microphone and turns the switch on
.)
Sun, dock, trog … Gymshoes. [*Excellent.]
(
The microphone is live. Meanwhile
EASY
has placed all the cubes correctly so that they make a top layer to the steps. He is one cube short, however
,
ABEL
goes back to the lorry
.)

EASY
: Cube short.

DOGG
: (
To
EASY
.) Brick?

EASY
: Cube!

DOGG
: Brick.

EASY
: Cube!
(
A cube sails in from the lorry and
EASY
catches it and then the steps are complete
,
DOGG
turns to go, sees the new wall with its
message and looks at
EASY. EASY
looks at the wall. He looks at
DOGG.
)
Pax!
(
DOGG
knocks him through the wall which disintegrates
,
DOGG
leaves
.
CHARLIE
and
BAKER
start re-assembling the components of the wall
,
EASY
shouts after
DOGG.
)
Yob! [*Flowers.]
(
CHARLIE, BAKER
and
EASY
are roughly in line by the carpet
.
DOGG
reappears immediately with a bouquet which is wrapped in cellophane and tied with a red ribbon. It is important that it is distinctive because it appears in the second half of the play. He hands this to
CHARLIE.
March music is heard
.
CHARLIE
gives the bouquet to
BAKER
who gives it to
EASY
who thrusts it into
DOGG
’s
hands as he exits
,
DOGG
re-enters furiously and gives flowers back to
EASY
who gives them to
ABEL
as he enters
.
ABEL
gives them to
CHARLIE
who loses them while rebuilding the wall
.
EASY
exits and returns with lid for platform
.
CHARLIE
and
BAKER,
now joined by
ABEL,
rebuild the wall, then take their little flags out of their pockets and start waving them
,
EASY
joins in unhappily
.
A
LADY
enters followed by a smirking
DOGG.
The music plays, the flags wave. The
LADY
gets to the microphone. The music stops and she is ready to give her speech which is written on a neat postcard held in her gloved hand
.)

LADY
: (
Nicely
.) Scabs, slobs, yobs, yids, spicks, wops …
(
As one might say Your Grace, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls
…)
Sad fact, brats pule puke crap-pot stink, spit; grow up dunces crooks; rank socks dank snotrags, conkers, ticks; crib books, cock snooks, block bogs, jack off, catch pox pick spots, scabs, padlocks, seek kicks, kinks, slack; nick swag, swig coke, bank kickbacks;… frankly can’t stick kids. Mens sana in corpore sano.
(
Applause
,
LADY
comes down from the platform helped by
DOGG.
They stand by the table
,
DOGG
lifts the cloth to reveal the school trophies
.)

DOGG
: (
Presenting school prizes reads
.) Pansticks jammy, sun-up—Fox Major.
(
FOX
enters from auditorium left, climbs steps to stage and collects his prize. He shakes hands with a beaming
LADY
.)

FOX
: Cube, get. [*Thank you, madam.]
(
FOX
exits into auditorium right
.)

DOGG
: As Grimsby primate what, sun-up—Fox Major. (
FOX,
still near the front of the auditorium, turns and awkwardly squeezes in between two rows of seats. As he steps over the audience’s legs he apologetically exclaims ‘Cutlery’
[
*Excuse me
],
reaches stage and receives prize as before
.)
Cuff-laces empty cross … Crazy jogs … Poodle-fire … Melon legs arc lamps … pelvic wiggle stamp … grinning … grape-soot pergolas … fairly pricks double … elegant frantically … plugs … Fox Major.
(
DOGG
has been placing all these trophies on top of the velvet which covered them earlier, and which he has placed on the platform
EASY
built
,
FOX
whoops when he hears his name and rushes onto the stage as before, but picks up the table, which is now quite bare, and exits trimphantly stage left.
Throughout this presentation
ABLE, BAKER
and
CHARLIE
have been waving their flags each time
FOX
arrives on stage, but their faces reveal their dissatisfaction and boredom
.
Practically … Helmet bedsocks Denmark. [*And now … Helmet Prince of Denmark.]

MRS DOGG
(
Correcting him
.) Hamlet …

DOGG
: Hamlet bedsocks Denmark, yeti William Shakespeare. (
To
MRS DOGG
.) Yob?

MRS DOGG
: Yob … yob … yob? [*Flowers?]
(
She looks to schoolboys, who know nothing of their whereabouts
.
MRS DOGG
turns away and gives
LADY
her button-hole, with a little curtsey. To
LADY.
)
Hernia, suppurating kidneys, reeks cat-boils frankly gangrenous armpit dripping maggots …

LADY
: (
With energy and charm
.) Sod the pudding club!
(
Music
,
DOGG, MRS DOGG
and
LADY
begin to exit past the wall. The
LADY
notices the message on the wall which says:

GOD
SLAG
THEM

She is taken aback but bravely continues out
.
DOGG
looks daggers at
EASY
.
AS SOON AS THE
LADY
and
MRS DOGG
have left the stage
DOGG
does an about-turn and marches back to
EASY. EASY
looks at
DOGG. DOGG
looks at the wall
.
EASY
dutifully hurls himself through the wall which disintegrates
.
DOGG
leaves
.
EASY
picks himself up. He shouts furiously after
DOGG
.)

EASY
: Stinkbag! Poxy crank!
(
ABEL, BAKER
and
CHARLIE
are also resentful about
DOGG
and all their succeeding lines, as are
EASY
’s,
are insults referring to
DOGG,
though not necessarily called out after him
.)

BAKER
: Pax! Quinces carparks!

EASY
: Canting poncey creep!

CHARLIE
: Daisy squire!

EASY
: Sadist! Fascist!

ABEL
: Fishes! Afternoons!

EASY
: Officious bastard! Lunatic!

ABEL
: Avacados castle sofa Dogg!

EASY
: Have his guts for garters, see if I don’t!

ABEL
: (
Talking to
EASY
about
DOGG.
) Avocados castle cigar smoke.

EASY
: (
To
ABLE.
) Right!—See if I don’t! Kick his backside!

BAKER
: (
To
EASY.
) Quinces ice-packs!

EASY
: (
To
BAKER.
) Right!

CHARLIE
: Daisy squire!

BAKER
: Slab git, nit git—

EASY
: Three bags full git! Crazy little squirt!

CHARLIE
: Daisy vanilla!

EASY
: Squire! Quince bog! Have his pax for carpox—so help me Dogg, see avocado!——Slab.

BAKER
: Moronic creep.

EASY
: Slab. Cretinous pig-face?

BAKER
: Cretinous pig-face? Slack-dunce. [*4:10.]

EASY
: What?

BAKER
: Dunce.

EASY
: Cube.
(
During the above
ABEL, BAKER
and
CHARLIE
have been rebuilding the wall, and
EASY
has been rolling up the red carpet. Now
EASY
starts collecting all the flags back starting with the three flags given to
ABEL, BAKER
and
CHARLIE
which
they threw to the floor in disgust. He collects flags from the audience and counts them as he collects them, and thanks each one, ‘Cube’, as he does so
.)
Sun, dock, trog, slack, pan, sock, slight, bright, none, fun, what, dunce!
(
ABEL, BAKER
and
CHARLIE
have just finished building the wall and have built themselves out of view
,
EASY
moves to exit, when we hear
…)

BAKER
: (
From behind screen and pointing at microphone
.) Haddock.
(
EASY
returns and takes off microphone. Before he exits
…)

EASY
: Hamlet bedsocks Denmark. Yeti William Shakespeare. (
The wall says:

DOGGS
   HAM
       LET

The lighting changes and there is a trumpet fanfare and
DOGG
enters now dressed to take his part in the
15-Minute Hamlet.
He goes to the platform, from which he speaks the prologue of the
Hamlet,
and then exits. This leaves the wall and the steps to be used as the walls and ramparts of Elsinore. At the back of the stage left and right are two folding screens. The stage left screen has a bolt through the top which allows a cut-out sun, moon and crown to be swung into vision from behind the screen. From the on-stage side pivots a two-dimensional cut-out grave for
OPHELIA.
)

A castle battlement. Thunder and wind. Enter two
GUARDS: BERNARDO/MARCELLUS
and
FRANCISCO/HORATIO.
The
GUARDS
are played by
ABEL
and
BAKER
respectively. They are costumed for a typical Shakespeare play except that they have short trousers
.
GUARDS
on the platform
.