The Rules of Regret (9 page)

“
Yeah.
”
I slid my head back and shut my eyes
against the glare of the sun. I could still see its glowing red outline through
the sheer skin of my eyelids.
“
Death
sucks.
”

“
What did she like to do?
”

I
didn
’
t
talk about her much anymore. No one really did. But I hadn
’
t forgotten her. I remembered her in
everything I did. In every choice I made. In every thought that traveled
through my brain. I remembered her. Because if I didn
’
t, then who would? And what would
that mean if I didn
’
t
include her anymore? If Anna didn
’
t
exist in my life, then she wouldn
’
t
exist at all. I felt like I owed her at least that much, to help her keep
existing, even if only as a memory.

“
She liked to draw,
”
I said softly, because somehow my
vocal chords couldn
’
t
push out any more sound.
“
She
was really smart. Sarcastic and witty, funny.
”

“
Was she your twin?
”
Torin asked, nearly interrupting.
“
Because she sounds an awful lot like
you.
”

“
No,
”
I laughed, thinking it was funny
because I would never really use those words to describe myself.
“
And I
’
m probably the one who takes after
her. She was a year older.
”

“
Randy and I were nothing alike.
”
It felt like he was opening up to
me, like we were developing some kind of camaraderie over dead siblings,
however morbid that was. It honestly didn
’
t
feel morbid.
“
He
was always so fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants. Mom called him the impulsive one
and me the thinker.
”

“
You do like to think,
”
I agreed, because I had experienced
this side of him firsthand already.
“
You
did a pretty good job analyzing me yesterday on those ropes. Trying to figure
out how to get me to take the step with your counseling wizardry.
”

“
It
’
s not really magic, Darby. It
’
s just making you realize what you
’
re actually capable of. And I think
you
’
re
capable of much more than you think.
”
I heard Torin rotate to face me and when I opened my eyes, his eyes nailed into
mine, the green intensity sending a wave of heat through my stomach. It forced
me to swallow hard.
“
You
keep saying you
’
re
not good at doing things on your own, but I don
’
t think that
’
s true at all.
”

I
didn
’
t
know how much I believed him, so I opted for a subject change.
“
How much more will we hike?
”

“
Okay, I
’
ll stop.
”
Torin shot me a dimpled grin,
blinking rapidly, the eyes and the smile all working together.
“
Sorry
—
I just really like to figure out the
way people work. What motivates them, what drives them. I
’
ll stop, though.
”

“
I don
’
t mind,
”
I said, rolling onto my back. The stone
felt hot against my skin, and I soaked it up the way cats do when they lay on
hardwood in the strips of window light.
“
I
just don
’
t
think like that. Concrete and structure, remember?
”

“
Right. Things you can feel, see and
touch. Just like the rope.
”

“
I thought we were done, Oh Analytical
One.
”

“
Right, sorry. I just find you sorta
interesting.
”

I
didn
’
t
know why it had the effect it did, but my entire body shivered, and he
’
d only called me
sorta
interesting. Had he said I was even
a little
interesting, I probably would have broken out in a full-on
sweat. I concentrated on the heat of the stone underneath me, but my fingers
and toes tingled against my will. And I assumed the reason they were brought on
had a little something to do with the fact that I felt exactly the same way
about Torin. I couldn
’
t
make heads or tails of him, and that completely piqued my interest. I liked
things I couldn
’
t
figure out because after all these years living a life of monotony, everything
about me had become pretty darn predictable.
“
Don
’
t get me wrong, you
’
re a little odd
…
but also equally interesting.
”

“
Thank you?
”

“
You
’
re welcome. It
’
s a compliment. I like a little crazy
in my women.
”
His mouth stretched into a grin and those chills surfaced on my skin once more.
Before I could shoot back the fact that I wasn
’
t actually his
‘
woman,
’
he said,
“
Tell me more about Lance.
”

“
Like what?
”

“
How does it feel to know that you
’
re so sure about something that you
plan to spend the rest of your life doing it?
”

I
couldn
’
t
help but laugh at his choice of words, and I sort of snorted through my nose.

“
Wow.
”
Torin blushed, then corrected
himself.
“
That
came out wrong. Not
doing
it. Spend
your life
with
it.
”

“
It feels comfortable.
”

“
I can
’
t imagine making one decision that
would impact the entire course of my life.
”
He pulled himself into a sitting position, and I suddenly felt awkward that I
was sprawled across the rock next to him. Though I
’
d felt quite awkward since I set foot
at this camp. I slid up to sit, too.

“
Not a fan of the institution of
marriage?
”
I continued to flick the end of my braid, and when I glanced Torin
’
s direction, he was staring at me
with an intense look that caused my already-empty stomach to roll. I broke our
gaze quickly.

“
No, I definitely am. My parents have
been married for thirty years. I
’
d
love to have that someday. Just can
’
t
imagine being nineteen and being
that
certain of something
—
of
someone
—
you
know? Don't get me wrong. I want it. I
’
m
just not sure I
’
ll
ever find it.
”

“
I think sometimes all those little
decisions make the big decisions for you.
”
I dropped my hands from my hair and knit them together in my lap, needing to
keep them busy because they really wanted to reach across and tuck his loose
hair behind his ear. And how creepy would that be? If I just stretched over and
ran my fingers through his hair? Holy heck, that might be enough to justify
sending me straight to the loony bin, because seriously, who does that to a
practical stranger?

I
squeezed my fingers tighter together and said,
“
Like the last six years with Lance
have been preparing me for this next step with him.
”

“
Yeah, I get that.
”
He tugged at a piece of grass that
skirted the edge of the stone and lifted it to his mouth to bite down on the
end of it, then nodded thoughtfully.
“
I
wonder what my past decisions have been preparing me for.
”
Torin twirled the straw back and
forth between his teeth like a toothpick, the way I imagined a cowboy would in
the bed of his old Ford truck.
“
And
by the way. What you just said is the exact opposite of your whole means to an
end thing.
”
The way he leaned toward me and cocked a brow pulled all of my air from my lungs,
like his words had fingers and were capable of stealing my very own breath from
me.
“
Just
so you know.
”

“
Maybe I
’
m not all concrete and structure
after all,
”
I teased with too many nerves in my nearly quivering tone. I played with the
same patch of grass next to us and slowly drew in the air that escaped me.

“
No, maybe there
’
s room for a few flowers and trees in
there.
”
Torin jabbed at my stomach with his finger and I coiled away from his touch.
“
Come on.
”
He pushed off the rock, stretching
out a hand to me. I took it hesitantly, embarrassed by the sweat that so
obviously coated my palms.
“
We
have several more miles to go before sundown. Let
’
s continue our journey.
”

“
Okay,
”
I said, slinging my pack over my
shoulder. I could handle continuing this journey for now. This small stepping
stone.

It
was the longer journey that really worried me.

CHAPTER SIX

“
You
’
ve got this, Darby.
”
Torin jogged to my side, his feet
meeting the ground in alternating claps. His breathing was ragged and uneven,
and he folded over and pressed his palms to his kneecaps as he caught it.
“
This is way thicker than those ropes
yesterday.
”

I
gulped down the tight ball in my throat. I wondered if he knew we would
encounter this when he chose to let me lead the way. There was a fork in the
road a mile or so back. I opted to go right. I swear I saw him smirk when I
arbitrarily made the decision, but I thought nothing of it at the time. That
smirk doesn
’
t
feel so innocent now. I bet he knew this was on our path. He knew this forest
like the back of his hand that I
’
d
spent way too much time thinking about holding.

“
You
’
re not going to fall.
”
He jutted his chin toward the log.
The branch was about a foot wide and stretched at least two yards over a river
that rushed below. Cragged rocks peeked out through the deep waters, taunting
me like hungry sharks breaking the surface with their gray vertical fins.
“
You
’
ve got this.
”

And
I thought for a moment he could be right. If I was able to suspend a hundred
feet in the air yesterday without killing myself, I could definitely do this.

I
put one foot confidently in front of the other, biting my lip as I willed
myself not to look down. There was a bush decorated with tiny pink flowers just
on the other side of the gulf and I zeroed in on it, forcing my focus onto the
petals that popped off the greenery. Like a gymnast on a balance beam, I
stepped forward without falter.

That
was, until Torin
’
s
fingers brushed my waist. I didn
’
t
know what he was doing and I wasn
’
t
sure why I reacted the way I did. But any authority I had over my feet and legs
was yanked from me, and I wobbled back and forth like a spinning top, teetering
precariously on edge. I curled my toes to reclaim some steadiness, but the
inflexibility of my tennis shoes prohibited it from doing any good. Like I was
in slow motion, my right foot gave up its position and slipped off the log
first, then my left, and I clawed and grabbed at the branch
—
flailing with my
arms and legs
—
but
I failed to get a grip and splashed into the water below, breaking the surface
with a scream that was quickly sucked up by the water that poured into my open
mouth.

It
was cloudy and murky and I blinked rapidly to regain my bearings, but I couldn
’
t tell which way was up or down. The
tug of my backpack pulled me, swaying me side to side, and I fought to slip it
off of my shoulders, unable to manage it free. I was disoriented and dizzied
and took longer than I should to compose myself as I struggled against the
backpack and the surprisingly fast current. Unfortunately, my lungs paid the
price, hardening in my chest and begging for air. Just a few seconds passed
before the water broke again, and just as quickly I was being jerked upward by
the strap of my bag, my body trailing languidly behind. I crested the surface
and dragged in the breath my body so desperately craved.

I
’
m sure I looked like a drowned rat. I
felt just about that good, too.

“
You okay?
”
Torin gulped, sliding an arm around
my waist as he pulled my pack off with a free hand. From what I could tell, it
didn
’
t
take much effort for him to do it.

I
nodded, treading water. My sneakers didn
’
t
serve well as flippers and I trembled back and forth with my legs unsteadily.
“
Lost my balance there.
”

“
I think I had a little something to
do with that.
”
That guilty smirk from before reappeared.
“
Shouldn
’
t have distracted you. You
’
re a bit jumpy today.
”
He glanced toward my forehead while
kicking against the waves, angling toward the direction of the shoreline. I
swam with him, and when I felt the rocky ground under my feet, I pushed up out
of the water. My shirt clung tightly to my chest and my jean shorts sagged,
sodden with the muddy liquid that dripped down my legs.

Torin
eyed me up and down, his eyes trailing over every inch of me.
“
We need to get you out of those,
”
he said, pointing a finger at my
waterlogged outfit.

“
Huh?
”
I twisted my ponytail out like a
dishrag. Water puddled around my feet and it looked like I was standing in an
inch of chocolate milk.
“
Why?
”

“
Because they will dry a lot faster
off
of you rather than
on
you.
”
He unzipped my backpack and rummaged
through its contents like he was some TSA agent and I
’
d smuggled a bomb into an airport. He
didn
’
t
appear satisfied with whatever he discovered
—
or didn
’
t discover
—
inside the pouch
and let out an irritated huff that I couldn
’
t help but notice.
“
Everything in here is soaked. You
’
ll have to wear your swimsuit.
”

My
jaw dropped. Like came completely unhinged the way they do in cartoons. I never
thought it was actually possible, but come to find out, it definitely was.

“
My swimsuit?
”
I forced the pack out of his hands,
taking it back into my possession.
“
Not
very practical, Torin, walking around the forest in a bikini.
”

“
It
’
s more practical than walking around
in soaking wet clothes that will freeze to your skin come sundown.
”
Without permission, Torin snatched
the bag from my grip, grasped my swimsuit, and shoved it into my chest.
“
Put this on.
”

“
Where?
”
I squeaked, reluctantly taking the
red and white polka dot two-piece from his hold. Our fingers brushed and his
eyes caught mine in an unsure glance.

“
I don
’
t know, behind a tree or something.
”
He continued digging through my
backpack, pulling out all of my clothes and the blanket crammed inside. He took
them to a nearby rock and spread them out onto its surface like he was a maid
with a clothesline and a load of laundry to finish.

“
I
’
m not changing out here.
”
I wrapped my arms across my chest,
humiliation spreading throughout my body. Usually people
’
s cheeks turned red when they were
embarrassed. I was fairly certain every inch of my skin was blushing bright
pink, rivaling the reddened hue of Porky the Pig.

Torin
cocked his head and thumbed his chin
—
something
I was beginning to notice he did a lot of
—
and
his dimples eased onto his cheeks.
“
You
do realize this is a
survival
overnighter, don
’
t
you? There are some things you need to let go of for survival
’
s sake. Modesty is one of those
things.
”

“
If I remember correctly, yesterday
you pretty much promised me that you
’
d
keep me alive. And I
’
d
like to keep my modesty. I really don
’
t
want to change into this, Torin.
”

He
drug his hands through his hair and sighed my direction, sensing the sincerity
in my plea.
“
Darby,
it may currently be blazing hot out, but tonight it will get down into the 40
’
s. And as of right now, you have no dry
clothes to sleep in and your overnight blanket is full of about ten pounds of
water. You
’
ve
run out of options.
”

I
pinched my lips together. What I wouldn
’
t
give to be lounging on the couch back at the rental with Sonja, getting fat
with our beer and our Cheetos. Even the hope of visiting Lance didn
’
t make any of this worthwhile. I sort
of wished Torin would have just let me float out there in the river a bit
longer. Maybe I would have passed out and drowned. That would be slightly less
humiliating than what I feared was in store for me at this summer camp.

“
At least turn around.
”

Torin
looked up at me from the granite slab where he
’
d arranged my clothes.
“
What?
”

“
Please turn around. No peeking.
”

He
shook his head and returned his focus to his work.
“
I
’
m not gonna peek. Off limits.
”

“
I'm off limits?
”

He
stepped back and surveyed the spread of fabric, then moved a pair of my socks
so they didn
’
t
overlap with the t-shirt underneath.
“
Off
limits. Taken.
”
His pale eyes pulled up to mine.
“
And
even if you weren
’
t,
you
’
re
not really my type, Darby.
”

Insult
sucker-punched me in the gut.
“
Geez,
”
I murmured, feeling the hurtful
sting of his comment.
“
Then
by all means, please stare away. Take pictures if you like.
”

“
That
’
s not what I meant.
”
Torin stepped back from the rock and
fiddled with his belt. Before I could register what he was doing, he
’
d unzipped his fly and was down to
his boxers, pulling one leg, then the other from his cargo shorts. My throat
went dry and I tried hard to swallow, but it was all sandpaper and it scratched
my tongue. Where did his pants go? And why was I staring at his underwear that
was covered in hundreds of yellow smiley faces, repeated over and over in a
dizzying, disorienting pattern? Seriously, why were his boxers smiling at me?

“
Looks-wise you
’
re alright,
”
he continued, twisting his shorts
between his fists to squeeze the water out of them. He laid them across an
empty space on the granite rock. The smiley faces continued to mock me like
they were actually capable of teasing me with their oversized grins.
“
But you
’
re too stubborn. I don
’
t like that in a girl.
”

I
stood there
—
speechless
—
for longer than I
should have, but the shock that Torin had stripped down to his underwear like
it was a totally normal thing froze me in my place. I literally had to shake my
head to toss off the gaping expression draped across my face. Nothing about
this was normal. It wasn
’
t
often that I had guys stripping down to their skivvies for me.

“
Okay. So I
’
m decent looking and stubborn.
”

“
Pretty much.
”

I
balled up my swimsuit in my hands and flipped around to face the river.
“
Well, you happen to be really blunt.
”
Recalling the murkiness of the
water, I slipped into it until I was up to my shoulders. With my back turned, I
pulled my top over my head, and then tucked it between my legs to keep it from
floating away as I fastened my bikini top.

I
stole a glance over my shoulder. Torin wasn
’
t even looking my direction. It
shouldn
’
t
have bothered me, but it did. Wouldn
’
t
every normal nineteen-year-old guy be tempted to check out a half-naked girl
just twenty feet away? But then again, I
’
d
already established that nothing about Torin was normal. He didn
’
t even have a normal name. (In all
fairness, neither did I, but this diatribe was directed toward him, not me.)