The Rules of Regret (8 page)

This
phrase had become my mantra over the past two days, and I was sure it wouldn
’
t be the last time it fell from my
lips. Torin had suggested tattoos earlier
—
this
would be a great one for me,
“
I
’
m Not Cut Out for This
”
tattooed in thick, black Old English
across my back, shoulder blade to shoulder blade.

I
continued trailing him and I felt the ghost of an itch creep up my bare leg and
hoped it was just a figment of my imagination. Most of my irrational fears
usually were.

“
You might not be cut out for it, but
I am. You
’
re
lucky you were paired with me.
”
Torin pushed the hair off his brow with his hands this time and smirked, one
dimple piercing his cheek.
“
Must
be the whole Irish thing.
”

“
You kinda point out I
’
m Irish a lot.
”
I paused, planting my hands on my
hips, my palms dripping sweat. It was considerably warmer now and hiking only
added to the heat.
 

“
Because that
’
s really all I know about you.
”
Torin stayed up ahead of me a few
paces and didn
’
t
turn to look at me as he spoke. The leaves crunched under his shoes and the
sounds of the forest were quiet and hushed, except for our occasional
conversation and the popping echo of our feet along the path.
“
That and you have a boyfriend you
’
ve been with for six years. And you
’
re a little crazy, like to use
profanities, and are slightly immature.
”

“
Sometimes it doesn
’
t seem like there
’
s much more to know.
”
I shifted the straps on the backpack
and sweat slithered down my spine. It pooled at the waistline of my jean
shorts, dampening them, making me just uncomfortable enough that I wished I
’
d brought a spare to change into.

Torin
gave me a soft, thoughtful look and I realized my last statement made me appear
really depressing, which I never liked feeling. Before I could come up with
something to make me a little less pathetic, he said, almost as a consolation,
“
Let
’
s rest when we get to the top of that
ridge.
”
He lifted his head up the path to a clearing at the crest of the hill and drew
his hand across his forehead and said,
“
You
’
re not just some half that makes a
whole, Darby. I
’
m
pretty sure even if you
’
re
in a relationship, you still have an identity, right?
”

“
Yeah, I guess.
”
I shrugged, but didn
’
t really believe my own words.
“
What about you? You have a
girlfriend?
”

 
“
Nah.
Haven
’
t
for a few summers now. I used to hook up with a different counselor each year,
but that got old quick. Everyone continues on with their lives after they get
down from the hill. But I
’
m
still up here.
”
I didn
’
t
think he meant to, but a sigh slipped in between his words.
“
It
’
s kinda lame to be the one left
behind.
”

“
Yeah, it is.
”

I
found myself frustrated with Lance for leaving me here, for leaving me behind.
For taking my life with him and leaving just the shell of me in its place.
After I got past that feeling, I moved onto the one that made me feel like a
complete idiot for being so torn up about a guy leaving for six weeks. A guy
that had cheated close to that many times, and one that I
’
d forgiven an equal amount.

And
this was just six weeks. I wallowed in how depressing that was for several
minutes until Torin motioned toward a large granite rock. I sat down and
slipped my arms out of the backpack straps as I took up residence on the
boulder. Settling the pack down next to me, I drew out my water bottle from the
side pouch.

“
It must be nice to have that sort of
commitment to someone. My longest relationship was six weeks. Can
’
t imagine six years.
”

“
Six weeks is a long time,
”
I suggested, because to me, right
now, it felt like an incomprehensible, infinite number. I took a swig from the
container and swished it around in my mouth, the cool liquid swimming over my
tongue.
“
And
really, I just don
’
t
know any different.
”

“
Is that because you want it that way?
”
Torin unscrewed the cap to his army
green canteen, tilted his head back slightly, and poured a bit over his head.
The water beaded in his dark blond hair and slipped down the strands onto the
back of his tanned neck. He shook his head like a dog after a bath. I looked
away, because something about watching him made my stomach feel like I was
about to sail down the zip line again.

“
Yeah, I guess. I like commitment. I
like feeling safe.
”

“
Is that why you
’
re an architectural design major?
”
Torin tossed his water bottle back
into the bag and pulled out a slightly bruised, red apple. He bit loudly into
it, then talked around the pieces still trapped in his mouth, like manners were
something that only belonged at tables with cloth napkins and silverware, not
out in the wilderness when sitting on a slab of granite with a girl you hardly
knew.
“
Because
you like structure? Things to be concrete.
”

“
I don
’
t like
actual
structures and concrete, if that
’
s what you mean.
”
I smiled and fished through my bag,
looking for some sort of snack but nothing sounded good, despite the rumble
growing in my stomach.

“
That
’
s not what I meant,
”
Torin said, rolling his eyes in a
deliberate motion.
“
Obviously.
”

“
Really? Was it that obvious? Because
it sounded like that
’
s
what you might have meant.
”
Torin made it way too easy to tease.

“
I
’
m not some ignorant, backwoods kid,
you know.
”
He laughed, finished eating his apple in corn on the cob-like fashion, and
chucked the remaining core at a nearby tree. It ricocheted off of the
bark-crusted trunk and wobbled onto the ground before it settled into place.

“
I wasn
’
t implying you were.
”
Well, maybe a little. I honestly
didn
’
t
know his story, and I wasn
’
t
sure I wanted to. Point A to point B. No detours. And definitely no picking up
stray hitchhikers along the way, no matter how cute or endearing they might
appear.

“
I just figured with a mind like that,
you like things that have reason and purpose. Right brain thinker and all.
”

The
rock we sat on sloped at an angle that allowed for us to lean on it like it was
a bed, so Torin did just that, propping his arms up behind his head as a
literal man-made pillow. The sun bathed his face and he closed his eyes,
soaking up the warmth on his tan skin. I didn
’
t want to look at him, but I couldn
’
t help it, considering he was the
only breathing thing within a five-mile radius, and considering how good he
looked with the light falling across him this way. His cheeks were even more
flushed than normal, and I assumed the effort from the hike drew the extra pink
to his face.

“
You
’
re right,
”
I answered, but just enough time had
passed that my reply felt disjointed from his earlier statement.
“
I do like routine. Reason. Purpose.
That
’
s
why this honestly really scares me, Torin.
”
I played with the end of my braid, the auburn streaks glistening under the
summer light as I coiled it around my fingers.

“
This meaning camp or this meaning the
overnighter?
”
Torin didn
’
t
open his eyes to ask.

“
This meaning all of it. Totally out
of my comfort zone here.
”

“
That just goes to show how much your
relationship means to you
—
that
you
’
d
be willing to put yourself out there just so you can save money to visit Lance.
”
Torin angled his face my direction,
but still didn
’
t
open his eyes and I wanted to look away because I worried if he suddenly did
open them, I wouldn
’
t
be able to hide the fact that I had been staring. That I was
still
staring.
“
It would be nice to have someone hold
that much meaning in my own life.
”

“
I
’
m sure you have something,
”
I said, slipping down further onto
the rock. And I really wasn
’
t
even sure Lance was the real reason I was stepping out like this either. I
think my need to have a plan for my life had taken over and maybe it didn
’
t even really matter whom it was that
I shared that plan with. Lance had been there for six years; he seemed like the
obvious and logical fit.

“
I do have some
thing
, but not some
one
.
”
Torin rolled his head back the other
direction, probably to even the exposure to the sun on each side of his face.
His voice was fainter now that he spoke into the air away from me.
“
Sometimes it takes another person to
take you past your self-made limitations and discover who you truly are. Sounds
like Lance did that for you.
”

“
So philosophical, Torin,
”
I teased propping my arms behind my
head just like his.

“
Not necessarily,
”
he said.
“
Just something I think about.
”

I
heard him shuffle around next to me, but I waited a few moments before opening
my eyes. When I did, he was settled back onto the rock, but his shirt was
tucked up under his head, his carved chest bare. My pulse quickened, mostly
because it embarrassed me more than anything, being completely caught off-guard
by him lying half-naked next to me. I tried to command my eyes shut, but I
couldn
’
t.
I was wrong in thinking he wasn
’
t
as toned as Lance. Lance was tall and bulky with the solidity of a football
player. But Torin was every bit as fit, just leaner, with his muscles more
toned, stretched across his frame. I let out a breath and tried to shake the
vision from my head. This altitude was impacting me more than I
’
d originally given it credit.

“
How did they die?
”
The sudden startle of his voice made
me jump, my shoulders arching off the slab of stone underneath.
“
Your sibling... how did they die?
”

It
took me by surprise because it had been silent for a few moments, and I knew he
was thinking during the quiet that hung around us, but I just didn
’
t know about what. I hadn
’
t figured that was it.

“
She died unexpectedly.
”

“
Isn
’
t it always?
”
he agreed, nodding his head, his eyes
still closed.
“
My
brother, too. I mean, I guess with suicide they say there should be signs,
whatever that means. Like there was supposed to be some huge billboard
announcing, 'Randy is going to kill himself,
’
that I had completely overlooked.
”