The Shore (11 page)

As Cody returned home from the poker game, he thought about the fight his emotions were having. The feelings he had for Ryan made him feel guilty, but Laura was gone, and she was never coming back. He knew Mac was right. Laura wouldn’t want him to be alone. But it felt like a betrayal to Laura when he laughed with Ryan, or held her or kissed her.

Cody sighed.

It’s time.

He tossed and turned all night, not really getting any sleep. He finally gave up and went to his desk, thinking he could shut down his thoughts about Laura and Ryan and concentrate on work instead. It worked for a while, but not long enough.

As the sun began to rise, he stopped working and stood by the door that led to the deck. It always amazed him, no matter how many sunrises he saw over the ocean, how the clouds would part for the sun to come up. The sun wasn’t that bright, but the clouds and rain made for a colorful sky.

Shortly after the sun broke the horizon, the clouds came back drowning out the rays of the sun. Everything turned dark and gloomy as the rain fell again.

Knowing it would do him no good to take a shower now, he changed into some old clothes he didn’t care would get wet and slipped on some flip flops.

“I’ll be back in a bit,” he announced to Wrigley. The dog’s ears perked up at his master’s voice but laid back down as Cody headed for the door.

He left the radio off as he made the short drive to the cemetery. He was lost in his own thoughts, remembering Laura, how they had met, the time they spent together, finding the house they would share together… She was the one he was supposed to have shared his life with.

The rain changed to a light sprinkle as he turned into the cemetery. He drove toward the back and easily located Laura’s grave. He knew her parents visited frequently, and there were bright flowers surrounding the stone.

He walked slowly to the site and even though the ground was soaked, he sat in the grass. His fingers traced her name on the stone.

“Hi,” he said to her, believing she could hear him.

“I know it’s been a while. I’m sorry for that.

“It’s May now. Your favorite time of the year. The weather has turned warmer, the rain has stopped – well, except for today – and the beaches are still quiet before all of the vacationers come in.”

He continued to talk, filling her in on what was happening with their friends. He talked about the ballgames they played and the goofy antics the guys pulled at the bar afterwards. Laura had been like one of the guys when they all got together, and he knew they missed her almost as much as he did.

He talked about Mac and Riley and the struggles they continued to have trying to have a baby. Laura had been so excited when Mac got pregnant the first time, she went crazy at the store, buying up toys and pink clothes, convinced it was a girl. Cody thought it broke Laura’s heart just as much as Mac’s when the pregnancy had ended in a miscarriage.

Cody was stalling. He was quiet for a long time, unsure of how to say what he came to say.

“So… I met someone. Actually, she’s someone I kind of knew as a kid. Riley and I saw her on the side of the road and stopped to help her. She wanted to pay us for the help, but I convinced her to go to the pier with us for a beer. I didn’t even recognize her until Mac said something. Leave it to Mac, right?”

He sighed, knowing he was rambling. This was harder than he thought.

“She’s a good person, Laura. I really like her. I think you would have liked her, too.

“It is so weird to tell you this, but you’ve been my best friend. The person I could tell anything to. You were the person I saw myself with. But since that isn’t possible … she might be the one. Not that she’s second choice, I didn’t mean it like that. Fuck…” He took off his hat and ran his fingers through his hair while he gathered his thoughts.

“I know asking for your permission is probably really dumb. It’s not like you can talk to me or anything. I just need to know you’re okay with this. I need to know it’s okay to move on without you,” he said quietly as the tears in his eyes began to pool.

Just then, the rain all but stopped and a single ray of sunlight shone through the clouds, just for a moment, before the clouds thickened and the rain picked up again.

Cody lifted his hand to his mouth and felt the tears fall down his face. He hadn’t cried for Laura since the day they buried her. Since he read the letter his mom wrote.

“Thank you,” he said quietly as he ran his hand over the stone again. “I love you, Laura. I always will.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Yesterday Ryan mentioned his house looked like a woman had lived there. While that was true, it had been only him the last four years. Cody hadn’t made any changes since Laura died. He hadn’t been able to bring himself to do it.

When he got back to the house, he started in his office and went room by room removing the items that were Laura’s – mementoes on the walls, pictures in frames, books on the shelves. He didn’t want to forget her, but he wanted the house to be as welcoming to Ryan as possible without the feel of Laura. He placed most everything in big moving boxes, but set a few things aside he wanted to keep. Those would fit in a shoebox.

The master bedroom was the last room and he knew it would be the hardest. Her clothes hung in the closet and her dresser was full of her things. Slowly, he went drawer by drawer gently placing items in boxes. Her smell was still on her clothes. Dresses, shirts and pants came off hangers and shoes went into their own large box. Laura had been a fan of shoes and owned more pairs than Cody could comprehend.

He went into the bathroom and opened the drawers that held her makeup and other toiletries. With the exception of her perfume, which he placed in the small shoebox to keep, he tossed everything in a garbage bag, tied it up and put it outside.

As he walked back into his room, he took in the sight of the boxes containing her things. He sat quietly on the bed, running his fingers over a sweater he could remember her wearing and felt the tears come once again.

I handed her the box wrapped in red paper with tiny snowflakes all over it. It was our first Christmas in the house and we decided to take a few hours to ourselves before we joined the rest of the family at Mac and Riley’s.

Laura eyed me suspiciously. “I thought we said no gifts.”

We had been spending so much money on furniture and house decorations, we said those things would be our gifts this year.

I just shrugged and grinned at her. I know she told me that, but no woman actually meant it, did they? Besides, when I saw her looking at this in the store the other day, I couldn’t help myself.

Like a six-year old that couldn’t wait, she tore at the paper and when the box finally came into view, she gasped.

“Cody!” she exclaimed. “But. How? Why? We said no gifts!”

I shrugged my shoulders again and smiled at her.

She turned the box over and over reading the outside. It was the DSLR camera she’d been eyeing for some time now. I knew she wanted to start taking more pictures, maybe even take a photography class, and this would get her started.

Laura jumped up and slid into my lap. “Thank you,” she said with one of the biggest smiles I’d ever seen on her face.

“You’re welcome,” I answered, wishing I could always make her this happy.

Laura wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me into a soft kiss. Her lips were soft and warm and she tasted like the cinnamon rolls we had eaten earlier. The kiss grew hungrier and hungrier until Christmas had been forgotten and we made love right there under the tree.

That afternoon, Laura brought her new camera to Mac and Riley’s house and took several pictures of everyone enjoying the holiday. After figuring out how to work the timer, she gathered everyone together for a family picture.

Cody looked up at his dresser and reached for the picture frame. Laura was wearing the same sweater in the picture he was holding now. It had been a happy day for everyone. Cody and Laura spent their first Christmas in their house and Mac and Riley had announced they were pregnant. Little did they know how things would change.

There was one more thing he needed to tend to. He went to his dresser and opened the top drawer. There, in the corner, was the small black velvet box he was never able to give her. With what felt like all the courage in the world, he opened it and ran his finger over the solitaire diamond. He let the tears fall until he had nothing left.

When he was ready, he gently closed the box and placed it in the shoebox with the pictures, perfume and other items he wanted to keep. He closed the lid and walked the box into his closet, placing it high on a shelf.

He loaded the remaining boxes in the back of his truck and drove to Laura’s parents’ house. It had been a while since they had seen each other and they welcomed him into their home. Pictures of Laura and her family were scattered across the walls. Cody’s eyes went immediately to the picture of him and Laura from the day they closed on the house.

Cody quietly explained what he had done during the day and the several boxes in his truck. He didn’t feel it was his place to donate or discard her belongings and wanted to give everything to them. Laura’s dad joined him outside and helped unload the boxes into the garage. Thankfully the rain had subsided and everything was still dry.

The tears in her parents’ eyes were more than Cody could take. They thanked him for giving Laura’s items to them and reminded him he would always be welcomed in their family, and he knew that. He hugged them each tightly, but quickly, said goodbye and got back in his truck. He could see them watching him drive away in his mirrors.

It was the hardest thing Cody had ever done, but it felt good. It was time. He had loved Laura more than anything, and she would always have a piece of his heart. But now it was time to move on.

Yesterday could not have been any more confusing if Ryan had tried. First the heavy conversations with Cody, which were great but hard. Then running into Jaxon on the beach was just plain crazy.

When it rains, it pours.

“Come on, Berkley!” she shouted through the house. “Let’s go for a walk!”

They had been walking for the better part of an hour when Ryan saw Jaxon walking towards them. She inhaled a deep breath and looked to the sky.

Seriously? I haven’t seen him in four years and now twice in 24 hours?

Ryan had been to Jaxon’s grandma’s house before, but when they had arrived, they came in from the road and not the beach. She hadn’t realized it was so close to hers. And just her luck, Jaxon must have been looking out the window.

Jaxon had been reading the paper while enjoying a cup of coffee at the kitchen island when he saw them walking up the beach and couldn’t stop himself from walking up to her.

“Hi.”

“Hi,” she replied. Her tone was much warmer than the night before.

She had taken some time to think through her relationship with Jaxon and the encounter yesterday. It wasn’t worth the energy to hold a grudge for something that would never be resolved. There was nothing she could do four years ago about what he did, and there was nothing she could do about it now.

“A little wet for a walk, isn’t it?” he smirked.

“It’s just rain. I won’t melt,” she said, doing her best to let bygones be bygones. Besides, she loved walking in the rain.

Jaxon could see hints of the Ryan he used to know. She wasn’t nearly as angry as the day before and she looked beautiful, even if she was soaking wet.

They stood there, looking at each other, unsure of what to say. After what felt like several long minutes, Jaxon broke the silence between them. “Would you have lunch with me?”

Ryan looked at him in shock, although his request really should not have surprised her. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“It’s just lunch, Ryan. It’s been a while since we’ve seen each other and I thought maybe we could catch up.”

The rational side of Ryan thought it might be okay to have lunch. In fact, it might even bring her the closure she was looking for. There was no way to know which roads the conversation would take, but maybe at the end of it she’d be able to close her life’s chapter on Jaxon Rand. “Okay,” she said, glancing at her phone to note the time.

“Really?” He wasn’t sure he heard her correctly.

“Yeh. There’s a little restaurant across from the putt-putt place. I’ll meet you there in two hours.” It would take a while to get back to the house and she wanted to take a shower. It wasn’t that she wanted to spruce herself up for him, she just felt her best defense was to be on top of her game. She had to be ready for whatever Jaxon threw at her. Not to mention, she was pretty sure she looked like a drowned rat.

“That sounds great. I’ll see you there.” He grinned.

Ryan tugged gently on Berkley’s leash to start their walk back. Their pace was faster on the return trip, not because she was anxious for lunch, but because … well, she didn’t know why.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

While driving to meet Jaxon, Ryan thought about Cody. Part of her felt she was betraying him, but on the other hand, she wasn’t sure how she’d define their relationship. Yes, she liked him, and he told her he liked her, but it wasn’t like they’d had the “exclusive” talk or anything. Hell, it had only been three days. Besides, nothing was going to happen with Jaxon, she was sure of that. Having lunch shouldn’t be a problem.

She pulled into the parking lot and found a place to park. Once inside, she scanned the patrons already seated and found Jaxon sitting in a booth near the back and walked toward him.

“Hey,” he said as she approached the table. “Have a seat.”

“Thanks.”

Jaxon smiled at her. This was the girl he remembered. Her hair was down and laying across her shoulders in soft waves. Her make-up was subtle but brought out the blue of her eyes.

“Have you been waiting long?” she asked.

“No, just a couple of minutes.”

Ryan nodded.

They remained quiet for several minutes while they reviewed the menu. Once they had both made their choices, the silence became awkward.

“How have you been?” Jaxon asked.

“Okay,” Ryan answered, not yet ready to give him much more than that. “How about you?”

Jaxon pursed his lips. This was not going how he wanted. He had hoped they would go back to the way they had been, the way they could talk about anything. So far this was more like torture. “Not bad. Things at the office are about the same. Oh, and I finally bought a house.”

“That’s great,” she replied. And then … crickets.

Jaxon sighed. “Maybe this was a bad idea, Ryan.”

She looked up at him, surprised.

“I was hoping we could sit and talk like we used to. But this … this is just weird.”

Ryan laughed quietly to herself. She refused to get angry and worked up like yesterday.

She asked calmly, “What did you expect, Jaxon?”

“I guess I thought it could be like before. Remember how we used to sit and talk for hours?”

“I do, Jaxon, but that was before …” She didn’t want to continue the statement.

“Before I hurt you.”

Ryan looked at him and nodded.

The waitress chose that moment to walk up to their table and take their orders. Once finished, the silence was deafening.

Jaxon knew he’d been an ass. Ryan was a good person and he hurt her.

“I really am sorry, Ryan,” Jaxon said.

“I know you are, and I appreciate you saying that. But … it doesn’t change the fact you really hurt me, Jaxon.” They were both quiet until Ryan continued. “I didn’t agree to this lunch so we could beat up our past. I didn’t even come to get answers.”

“Then why did you say yes?”

Ryan sighed. “I’m not sure. I guess I wanted to see if you were still the person I fell in love with. If I could still see the good in you that I remembered.”

“Can you?” He thought it would be interesting if she could, because he sure as hell couldn’t. After he lost Ryan, he had gone on a bender that lasted at least a week. He couldn't even remember the number of women he had slept with during that time, and he was having a hard time forgiving himself for what he had done.

“At moments, yes. Definitely not yesterday, but all I could see then was the person who hurt me.” She paused. “I know I’ll never get the answers I thought I needed. And no matter what you tell me, I’m not sure I’d be able to believe what you say.”

Jaxon sighed. He deserved that. He had ruined the trust she had in him. “Are you … happy now?” He wasn’t sure he really wanted the answer but felt he needed to ask the question.

“I have some trust issues,” she said with a soft smile, “but I’m doing okay.”

“I guess I deserved that.”

“I've basically just been focusing on my work the last few years. I’m still at the same place, and I’ve worked on some really great projects.”

“Are you seeing anyone?” Maybe she was available and they could start again. Slowly. She could learn to trust him again.

Ryan looked at him skeptically. “I just recently met someone and we’re taking things slow.”

“He’s a lucky guy.”

She smiled thinking of Cody. She felt kind of lucky, too.

“Actually, he’s someone I used to know when I was younger and our paths recently crossed. He’s a good guy.”

“He better treat you right.”

“Or what? You’re going to come beat him up for me?” Ryan laughed.

“If I have to, yes,” he answered, completely serious.

“I believe you would, Jaxon.” And she did.

He was quiet for a moment, “You really were the best thing in my life, Ryan, and I ruined that. I truly am sorry.”

Ryan reached up and took his hand in hers. “I know you are. Thank you for that.”

They ate their lunch and the mood lightened as the conversation switched from their pasts to their presents. Jaxon explained the family business he was dealing with was about his grandma. She passed away a few weeks ago and left him her estate. He was in town getting things worked out for the sale of the property.

The news of his grandma passing made Ryan sad.

Deaths really do come in threes. First Cody’s mom, then Laura, and now Jaxon’s grandma.

She had been a special lady, and Ryan knew there was a special place for her in Jaxon’s heart.

When it was time to leave they walked to the parking lot together. In an awkward silence, Jaxon leaned forward to hug Ryan. “Thanks for today.”

She hugged him back. “I’m glad we did this. I think it was a good thing. It gave us a chance to talk.” She pulled back and smiled at him. “Take care, Jaxon,” she said, beginning to walk toward her car.

“You, too, Ryan.”

As she drove away, Ryan felt a peace she hadn’t felt in a long time. She didn’t have the answers she thought she needed, but they didn’t matter anymore. Talking to him, knowing he understood how much he hurt her – that was the closure she needed.