The Skeptics Annotated Bible (41 page)

34 And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, Now this time will my husband be joined unto me, because I have born him three sons: therefore was his name called Levi.

35 And she conceived again, and bare a son: and she said, Now will I praise the LORD: therefore she called his name Judah; and left bearing.

30
And
when Rachel saw that she bare Jacob no children, Rachel envied her sister; and said unto Jacob, Give me children, or else I die.

(30.1-23)
The great baby making contest
Jacob’s wives and concubines compete to the have the most babies, with God inspecting, opening and closing wombs, as required.

(30.1)
“When Rachel saw that she bare Jacob no children, Rachel envied her sister; and said unto Jacob, Give me children or else I die.”
Rachel considers herself worthless if she cannot produce children for her husband.

2 And Jacob’s anger was kindled against Rachel: and he said, Am I in God’s stead, who hath withheld from thee the fruit of the womb?

3 And she said,
Behold my maid Bilhah, go in unto her; and she shall bear upon my knees, that I may also have children by her.

(30.3)
“Behold my maid Bilhah, Go in unto her.”
But luckily she has an idea. She says to Jacob, “Behold my maid Bilhah, go in unto her.” She solved the problem the same way Sarah did in 16.2.

4 And she gave him Bilhah her handmaid to wife:
and Jacob went in unto her.

5
And Bilhah conceived, and bare Jacob a son.

(30.4-5)
“And Jacob went in unto her. And Bilhah conceived, and bare Jacob a son.”
(These arrangements seldom produce daughters. See v. 21 for a rare exception.)

6 And Rachel said, God hath judged me, and hath also heard my voice, and hath given me a son: therefore called she his name Dan.

7
And Bilhah Rachel’s maid conceived again, and bare Jacob a second son.

(30.7)
“And Bilhah Rachel’s maid conceived again, and bare Jacob a second son.”

8 And Rachel said, With great wrestlings have I wrestled with my sister, and I have prevailed: and she called his name Naphtali.

9
When Leah saw that she had left bearing, she took Zilpah her maid, and gave her Jacob to wife.

(30.9)
“When Leah saw that she had left bearing, she took Zilpah her maid, and gave her Jacob to wife.”
Leah, not to be outdone, gives Jacob her maid (Zilpah) “to wife.” And Zilpah “bare Jacob a son.”

10
And Zilpah Leah’s maid bare Jacob a son.

(30.10)
“And Zilpah Leah’s maid bare Jacob a son.”

11 And Leah said, A troop cometh: and she called his name Gad.

12
And Zilpah Leah’s maid bare Jacob a second son.

(30.12)
“And Zilpah Leah’s maid bare Jacob a second son.”

13 And Leah said, Happy am I, for the daughters will call me blessed: and she called his name Asher.

14 And
Reuben
went in the days of wheat harvest, and
found mandrakes in the field, and brought them unto his mother Leah. Then Rachel said to Leah, Give me, I pray thee, of thy son’s mandrakes.

(30.14)
“Reuben … found mandrakes in the field, and brought them unto his mother Leah. Then Rachel said to Leah, Give me, I pray thee, of thy son’s mandrakes.”
(Mandrakes are narcotic plants in the Solanaceae family, with many associated superstitious beliefs. Their bulbous roots sometimes resemble male sexual organs and were thought to be aphrodisiacs. Unfortunately, they only grow where the semen of a hanged man falls to the ground, so they are rare nowadays. If you find one, don’t dig up the root; if you do, you will be instantly killed by its scream.)

15 And she said unto her, Is it a small matter that thou hast taken my husband? and wouldest thou take away my son’s mandrakes also? And
Rachel said, Therefore he shall lie with thee to night for thy son’s mandrakes.

(30.15)
“Rachel said, Therefore he shall lie with thee to night for thy son’s mandrakes.”
Rachel trades sex with her husband for Leah’s mandrakes.

16
And Jacob came out of the field in the evening, and Leah went out to meet him, and said, Thou must come in unto me; for surely I have hired thee with my son’s mandrakes. And he lay with her that night.

(30.16)
“Jacob came out of the field in the evening, and Leah went out to meet him, and said, Thou must come in unto me; for surely I have hired thee with my son’s mandrakes. And he lay with her that night.”

17
And God hearkened unto Leah, and she conceived, and bare Jacob the fifth son.

(30.17)
“And God hearkened unto Leah, and she conceived, and bare Jacob the fifth son.”

18
And Leah said, God hath given me my hire, because I have given my maiden to my husband
: and she called his name Issachar.

(30.18)
“And Leah said, God hath given me my hire, because I have given my maiden to my husband.”

19
And Leah conceived again, and bare Jacob the sixth son.

(30.19)
“And Leah conceived again, and bare Jacob the sixth son.”

20 And Leah said, God hath endued me with a good dowry;
now will my husband dwell with me, because I have born him six sons:
and she called his name Zebulun.

(30.20)
“Now will my husband dwell with me, because I have born him six sons.”

21 And afterwards she bare a daughter, and called her name Dinah.

22 And
God remembered Rachel
, and God hearkened to her,
and opened her womb.

23
And she conceived, and bare a son;
and said, God hath taken away my reproach:

(30.22-23)
“God remembered Rachel, and … opened her womb. And she conceived, and bare a son.”
And finally, “God remembered Leah.” (He probably said something like, “Oh yeah, she’s the one with the really cool mandrakes.”) “And opened her womb. And she conceived, and bare a son.” (Surprise, surprise)

24 And she called his name Joseph; and said, The LORD shall add to me another son.

25 And it came to pass, when Rachel had born Joseph, that Jacob said unto Laban, Send me away, that I may go unto mine own place, and to my country.

26 Give me my wives and my children, for whom I have served thee, and let me go: for thou knowest my service which I have done thee.

27 And Laban said unto him, I pray thee, if I have found favour in thine eyes, tarry: for
I have learned by experience
that the LORD hath blessed me for thy sake.

(30.27)
“I have learned by experience.”
Laban learns “by experience” that God has blessed him for Jacob’s sake. “By experience” means “by divination,” at least that is how most other versions translate this verse.

28 And he said, Appoint me thy wages, and I will give it.

29 And he said unto him, Thou knowest how I have served thee, and how thy cattle was with me.

30 For it was little which thou hadst before I came, and it is now increased unto a multitude; and the LORD hath blessed thee since my coming: and now when shall I provide for mine own house also?

31 And he said, What shall I give thee? And Jacob said, Thou shalt not give me any thing: if thou wilt do this thing for me, I will again feed and keep thy flock:

32 I will pass through all thy flock to day, removing from thence all the speckled and spotted cattle, and all the brown cattle among the sheep, and the spotted and speckled among the goats: and of such shall be my hire.

33 So shall my righteousness answer for me in time to come, when it shall come for my hire before thy face: every one that is not speckled and spotted among the goats, and brown among the sheep, that shall be counted stolen with me.

34 And Laban said, Behold, I would it might be according to thy word.

35 And he removed that day the he goats that were ringstraked and spotted, and all the she goats that were speckled and spotted, and every one that had some white in it, and all the brown among the sheep, and gave them into the hand of his sons.

36 And he set three days’ journey betwixt himself and Jacob: and Jacob fed the rest of Laban’s flocks.