The Swear Jar (28 page)

He rushed towards her with his
hands out.  “NO!”

She screamed, “DON’T TOUCH ME! 
Don’t ever touch me again.”

She had backed into the corner of
the room.  She cowered, holding her hands up in front of her.  He recoiled at
her reaction.  He had hurt her, but she acted as if he was going to hit her. 
Or worse.  He shuddered to think what Hank had done to her.  Duncan feared he
was now in the same category.  He had awakened her dragon and it was too late
to lull it back into slumber.  He cursed himself.  He had made her vulnerable
and he had wounded her terribly.

He spoke soothingly, as if to a
frightened animal.  “Meara, you’ve had too much to drink.  We’ve had a
disagreement.  Let’s not say or do anything rash.  Let’s get you to bed and
we’ll talk in the morning.”

He moved carefully towards her.  He
wanted to put her to bed and hope they could sort it out in the morning.  She
shrank further into the corner as he approached.  Her eyes blazed with hate.

“Don’t come near me.  I’m not your
girlfriend anymore.  There’s no way I’m staying in the same bed with you.  I
may have been stupid enough to believe you loved me, but I’m not going to be
your whore.  I’m not going to let you use me again.”

Shocked, he backed away from her. 
“I’ll leave.  You stay here tonight.  I’ll go to one of the other rooms.”

“No, I don’t want to be in here
anymore.  I’ll take one of the other rooms.  I don’t care what you do,” she
hissed.

Stumbling to the bathroom, she shoved
her things into her bag.  She stalked out of the room and slammed the door
behind her.  He heard her stomp downstairs and slam another door.  He sat on
the bed, head in his hands.  This had gone very badly.  He had wanted to talk
to her about how he felt, but it had come out the wrong way.  Now she thought
he was using her, making her a whore in her own eyes.

He couldn’t believe she thought he
would hit her.  He wondered what had happened in the past to make her react
that way.  He hated Hank for hurting her.  He wanted to fix it, but didn’t know
how.  He walked downstairs to the second floor.  He heard muffled sobbing
coming from one of the bedrooms.  He wanted so badly to open the door and go to
her but he didn’t want to upset her more.

He continued downstairs.  He
cleared away the table and put the wine bottle back in the refrigerator.  He
emptied his wine glass in two gulps.  He took her car keys out of her purse. 
He climbed the stairs to the second floor.  She was quiet now.  She must have
cried herself to sleep.  As he walked the last set of stairs, he hoped she had
changed her mind and was waiting for him in bed.  He took the stairs two at a
time and was disappointed when he saw the room was empty.

He climbed into bed on his side. 
He couldn’t lie in the middle of the bed.  The other side was hers.  He tried
to sleep, but he tossed and turned.  When he did doze off, the slightest sound
woke him up.  A day or two ago, he was trying to get used to her sleeping in
the bed beside him.  Now he had to get used to her not being there.  He finally
relaxed, falling into a deep sleep.  In the morning, he would explain how he
felt and ease her fears.  He needed to be careful how he stated his thoughts
and feelings.

Chapter Thirty-Two

On Monday morning, Duncan bolted
upright as sunlight hit the bed.  Meara’s side was cold.  She hadn’t come
back.  He had an ache in his chest again.  He panicked, feeling alone.  He
heard running water from the second floor.  She was showering.  He got out of
bed and dressed quickly.  He descended to the second floor to see an open
bedroom door.  She had slept in the twin bed furthest from the door.  The
sheets were in a tangle.  Yesterday’s clothes and her bag were thrown on the
other bed.  He sat down next to her bag, waiting for her to come back.  When
she appeared, she was dressed except for her sneakers.  Wearing her silver
rimmed eyeglasses, her eyes and nose were red and swollen from crying.  His
heart broke.

“Meara,” he whispered in anguish.

She jumped.  She hadn’t seen him. 
Backing away from him, she sat on the other bed and put on her sneakers as
quickly as she could.

“I’m leaving for home if you’ll
give me back my keys.  I’m no longer feeling the effects of the wine.  Will you
give me my keys back or am I still your kept woman?”  Her voice was so cold.

He shivered.  “You were never my
kept woman.  I never used you.  Can’t we talk about this?”

“I don’t think there’s anything to
talk about anymore.  For whatever reason you have, it’s not going to work
between us.  So why bother?”

He was getting angry.  “If that’s
how you feel, then go home.  I’m not ready to go yet.  I’ll give you your keys
back.  In the future, you may want to limit your alcohol intake.  You have a
nasty temper when you’re drunk.”

He was irritated by her frosty
attitude.  Although he didn’t show it often, he had a temper too.  She was
pressing his buttons.  Although they were upset with each other, he wasn’t
going to let her act cold like Brenda often had.

“I only had a nasty temper because
you were acting stupid.  Listening to some old biddy who doesn’t even know us. 
But you know what?  I’m glad you met her.  She got you to spit out the truth. 
I should thank her for getting you riled up.  It’s the only way I would have
found out you were lying to me and using me.”

“I SAID I wasn’t using you.  You
didn’t have a problem sleeping with me on my birthday.  I’m not the only one
who was enjoying it.  So STOP saying I was using you.  You were using me too.”

Her voice was a whisper.  “No, I
wasn’t.  I loved you.  For the first time, I let someone in all the way.  I
gave you everything.  You didn’t do the same.  You still have doubts.  I had
none until last night.”

She shoved her clothes into her bag
and fixed the blanket on the bed.  Standing in front of him, she held out her
hand.  He gave her the car keys.  She picked up her bag and left him sitting on
the bed.  She went downstairs and headed outside to load her bag into the back
of the Jeep.  Finding the two empty coolers, she lifted one of them and headed back
out to the Jeep.  He followed her, stepping forward to help her.

“Please, I wouldn’t want you to
throw out your back at your age.  There could be permanent damage.  I can handle
it.  Get out of the way.”  She snapped.

It was like a slap in the face. 
Surprised by her sarcasm, he stepped back and said nothing.  She returned for
the other cooler.

“Since you aren’t coming back with
me, I’ll leave you with all the food.  I know at your age it’s hard to eat
healthy.  I would be happy to cut your steak into bite-sized portions.  I
wouldn’t use the grill by yourself, you might have an accident.”  She was being
cruel.

His jaw dropped.  “No, I’ll be
fine, thank you.  I know you want to leave as soon as possible.”

“I do.  I’ll be returning to work
tomorrow.  I’ll leave a resignation letter under your door, Mr. Phillips.”

He felt as if she had
sucker-punched him.  She hadn’t called him Duncan.  To call him Mr. Phillips
was the last straw.  He had had enough of her attitude.

“You go right ahead and do that,
MRS. Martin.  I look forward to reading it and giving it to the Board to
approve,” he said icily.

“Goodbye, Mr. Phillips,” she said
grimly.

“Goodbye, Mrs. Martin,” he replied.

She didn’t look back.  She got into
the Jeep and drove off.  He watched her from the kitchen doorway.  As soon as
the Jeep was out of sight, he closed the door.  He got a glass of water and sat
at the kitchen table.  On the counter, among the boxes of sweets from the
boardwalk, was the Skeeball teddy bear.  She had kept it in their bedroom,
tucked up next to their pillows.  She hadn’t taken it with her.  He grabbed the
teddy bear, hugging it.  He put it to his lips and kissed it.  Sitting back
down at the table, tears welled up in his eyes.  She was gone.

Still hugging the bear, he went
upstairs and crawled into the middle of the bed.  He buried his head in the
pillows, the teddy bear hooked under his arm.  He fell into a deep sleep.  When
he woke up a few hours later, he had shifted to his side of the bed.  The teddy
bear was propped up as if it was her.  He had even tucked the blanket around
it.  He didn’t want to get out of bed.  So many questions ran through his head,
it was overwhelming.  One thing was clear.  He loved her.  He missed her
terribly.

He needed to understand why he was
having doubts.  Once he figured out why, he needed to win her back, if she
would take him.  He didn’t blame her for lashing out.  He was wrong and had
hurt her deeply after asking her to trust him.  She had reminded him of Brenda,
cold and distant.  He didn’t want Meara to be Brenda.  He needed to prove he
was not Hank.  He wanted to know what Hank had done to her so long ago it still
made her react violently now.

By the time Meara arrived home late
Monday morning, she was all cried out for the time being.  Now she was more
pissed off at herself than at Duncan.  Her thoughts had turned to Hank and she
didn’t like where those thoughts were taking her.  She pulled the Jeep up the
driveway to her house.

“Ems?  I thought you were staying
until Thursday?” Diana asked, crossing the yard.  “Is everything okay?”

Choking up again, Meara didn’t
reply.  She had her keys out to open her front door.

“Ems?  Meara!  What’s going on?” 
Diana roughly grabbed Meara’s shoulder and stared at her puffy, red-eyed face. 
“What happened?  Where’s Duncan?”

Meara strained to speak.  “It’s
over.”

Taking two steps inside the house,
Meara threw her bag onto the floor.  She kicked her sneakers off across the
room.  She slipped on flip flops and went back out to the Jeep.  Shocked, Diana
was still standing on the front porch.

“What do you mean, it’s over?”
asked Diana.

Pushing past Diana, Meara got a
cooler out of the Jeep.  Meara dumped the cooler on the kitchen floor.  She
heard the Jeep’s door slam.  Diana stood in her way, holding the other cooler.

“Ems, talk to me,” Diana said. 
“What do you mean it’s over?”

“I don’t feel like talking. 
Where’s Anne?” Meara snapped.

“Anne’s in the house.  We’re going
out shopping for school supplies in a little while.  Stop changing the
subject.  Now answer me, what the hell is going on?  I’m not letting you off
the hook.  It’s obvious you’re upset.  I’m done with letting you suffer in
silence.  Now talk!”

“Duncan and I had a fight.  It’s
over.  I’m quitting the library.”

“You had a fight?  You’re
quitting?  What the hell, Ems!”

Meara told Diana what had happened
last night and this morning.  Diana looked angry, but she was also shaking her
head.

“Ems, I know you’re hurt, but did
you listen to Duncan before you jumped to conclusions and decided it was over? 
Maybe he didn’t say it the right way.  Maybe you didn’t let him get a word in
edgewise.”

“Whose side are you on, anyway?  He
has doubts.  If he gets old, he thinks I’ll leave him.  If he believes that, he
doesn’t love me.  He’s using me, unintentionally or not.”

“Like Hank used you?”

Meara recoiled.  “Yes, like Hank. 
Hank would manipulate me, control me.  He twisted me around.  He made me feel
horrible for wanting love and affection.  When I finally pushed him away, he
didn’t care.  It didn’t matter if I was dead or alive.”

Diana hugged Meara.  “I didn’t know
it was that bad with Hank, Ems.  I’m so sorry.  Are you sure you aren’t
overthinking this?  I thought Duncan was different than Hank.  Maybe Duncan
needs to explain himself better.  From what I saw, he loves and adores you.  Do
you truly believe he was using you?”

“I don’t want to be a doormat again
while he makes up his mind if he loves me or not.  He’s different than Hank,
but that doesn’t mean I want to give him my heart when he won’t do the same.”

“Take the love part out of it for a
minute.  How was the sex?  I don’t want details, so don’t give me that look. 
What I mean is did he satisfy you?  Did he rock your world better than Hank?”

Blushing, Meara said, “The sex was
great.  We focused on each other.  I didn’t know it could be that good.  Hank
never made me feel that way.  I’ve never felt so wanted or so aware of myself.”

“That’s why I can’t see him using
you.  Duncan’s been alone for a long time.  He has some adjusting to do.  If
you’re tuning into your sexuality, he did you a favor.  You got some fun out of
it.  Who says the fun has to stop?  Ultimately, if it’s over, there are other
guys dying for a chance to be with you.  You learned you could care for someone
again.  Keep your options open.  What’s this about quitting?”

“I told him I was resigning.  I
can’t work for him if we aren’t going to be together.  I can’t be with him if
he has doubts.  Russell McMahon’s still looking for a librarian.  Maybe I
should go work for him.”

“Is he single?”

“Are you saying I should date
him?”  Meara grimaced, tilting her head.  “No way in hell.”

“Change in the Swear Jar please!”

Meara fished coins out of her
pocket.  “I owe the Swear Jar a nice chunk of change.”

“I’m sure you do.  Want to come
with us into town?  We’ll have lunch.  What are you wearing for the meeting on
Friday?  We can get you a new dress.  If Duncan shows up, you can show him what
he’s missing.”

Meara sighed.  “Diana, you’re
terrible!  I doubt he’ll come.  I stranded him.  I feel bad about that.  I’m
feeling bad about the whole thing.  Maybe I reacted too harshly, but he said we
were a mistake.  That really hurt.”

“He tried to talk to you this
morning.  If he was using you and you called him on it, why would he bother?”
Diana said carefully.  “I’m having a hard time believing Duncan’s a bad guy.”

“Hey!  When are you guys closing
the pool?  I want to join the Pin Oak Grove Pool and Fitness Center.  Can we
stop by there?”

“Changing the subject won’t make it
go away.”

“I know, but I think I screwed up
and I’m trying to distract myself.”

On Tuesday morning, Meara took a
deep breath and entered the library.  Tom and Lucy stared at her.  Her ponytail
was gone and her hair was cut short.  She had on an attractive, brightly
colored outfit that hugged her curves.  Tom waved heartily, but Lucy wore a
puzzled expression.

“Well, hello beautiful!” said Tom.

“Thank you Tom,” Meara replied. 
“I’m still getting used to the hair.  Or the lack of it.  It’s a little too
short for me, but it’ll grow back.”

Meara avoided discussing her
weekend.  She knew Lucy would be curious.  Meara headed to Duncan’s office,
slipping a white, business-sized envelope under the door.  Tom and Lucy watched
her walk to her office.

“What was that all about?” asked
Tom anxiously.  “White envelopes aren’t a good sign.  When’s Duncan coming
back?  When they left here together on Friday, I thought maybe they would spend
the weekend together.  Now she’s back and he’s not.  And she’s got a new
haircut and clothes?  Is there something you’re not telling me, Lucy?”

Lucy wrung her hands.  “Yes, white
envelopes aren’t good.  Here’s Sherrie now.  Sherrie, come here!  The plan has
obviously changed, so I don’t feel like I’m betraying their confidence.  Duncan
took Meara to the Shore on Saturday.  He called me Sunday to say they were staying
until Thursday.  We need to find out what happened.  Sherrie, Meara slipped a
white envelope under Duncan’s door.  We need to talk to her.  Now.”

With a worried face, Sherrie nodded. 
Lucy and Sherrie found Meara in the office.  They immediately noticed Meara was
not wearing her wedding ring.  Lucy and Sherrie exchanged looks.  No wedding
ring, attractive haircut, new clothes and no boyfriend in sight.

“Meara?  I like the haircut. 
That’s a pretty blouse too.  Meara, where’s Duncan?” asked Lucy.

Meara nodded her head.  “There’s no
point in keeping it a secret.  He’s still down the Shore for all I know.”

“What happened?  You two left here
so happy on Friday.  Now you’re here alone.  What’s going on?” asked Lucy,
distressed.

“We thought it was going to work
out, but it didn’t.  It’s over.  Now, if you don’t mind, I have things to do
before the meeting on Friday,” Meara replied, her voice quivering.

“I’ve decided to resign as soon as
Mr. Phillips returns.  I’ve also decided to turn down the Chairpersonship.  I
should call Mr. McMahon and tell him.”

Lucy and Sherrie stood in stunned
silence.  Sherrie grabbed a pile of books to set up for storytime.  Lucy headed
back to the Circulation Desk with an incredulous look on her face.

“What’s going on?  What happened?”
asked Tom anxiously.

“They’re no longer together and
she’s quitting.  I talked to him on Sunday.  What happened?”

“Look how passionate they were with
each other.  We could tell, be honest.  Maybe they had a fight and things got
out of hand.  Just because Meara says it’s over, doesn’t make it final.”

“She’s not wearing her wedding
ring.”  Lucy frowned.