The Twelve Dates of Christmas (22 page)

‘You don’t have these problems, do you ma’am?’ she whispered up at the imposing off-white building, with its famous balcony,
her teeth chattering. ‘You could send a man to the Tower if he crossed you.’

‘Isn’t it beautiful?’ breathed a woman with a strong American accent and a camera the size of Claudia’s head. ‘Do you live
here?’

‘Here? Um, no, this is the Queen’s house.’

‘I mean in London, honey.’

‘In that case, yes, I live here, but I sure wish I lived
here
.’ She pointed a glove through the railings.

‘You’re lucky to live in this city at Christmas, there’s so much tradition and culture. Why, I feel like I’m in a Dickens
novel most of the time.’

‘I know that feeling. Are you having a good trip?’

‘I just love it. We arrived two days ago and are here until after New Year’s. Do you have any must-dos, as a local?’

Claudia thought about it. Last Christmas she would have been stumped after ‘I hear ice-skating is fun’, but this year she’d
done much more. ‘Have you been up the Shard? It’s spectacular to see London in all this snow.’ She smiled. That was a good
date. Thank you, Billy.

The American woman nodded. ‘We were thinking of doing that sometime next week – hopefully the snow will hold until then. We
went to that Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park, but I didn’t like that much – a bit too fun-fair for me.’

‘I didn’t like it much either, I had a horrible date there and I threw up. Not my best Christmas experience.’ Claudia chuckled.
Ah, Eddie, it seems like a lifetime ago that you were bleeding on my face
. ‘A traditional British pub might be right up your street. There’s a lovely one on the South Bank called the King’s Inn,
it’s all log fires and good roast dinners.’

‘Perfect, thank you! Any other tips?’

‘Well, if you can find any carol concerts at St Paul’s Cathedral, it’s just … magical,’ said Claudia sadly.

‘Talking of magical, we’re going to the Royal Opera House tonight to see
The Nutcracker
. Have you been?’ The woman’s cheeks were glacé-cherry red with excitement, a merry flash of colour among the grey and off-white
scenery. ‘I just love the ballet.’

Have I been? ‘Yes, my friend is a ballet dancer, actually. Look out for her; she’s the short girl in the red and white dress
in the opening scene. And my other, um, friend built the sets. He works backstage.’
And he’s buff and sexy and I love him – in some way – and he thinks I’m crap in bed
.

‘We were lucky to get tickets; it’s the last performance before Christmas.’

‘Well, I think you’re going to love it. Completely love it.’ Claudia took a deep breath of cool air. ‘So what do you think
the Queen’s put on her Christmas list?’

‘I expect she wants the same kinda thing as you or me,’ said the woman. ‘And what I want is a Michael Kors watch. What about
you? What do you want for Christmas?’

What did Claudia want for Christmas? Mariah Carey hummed in her head. ‘I heard that Prince Harry once gave the Queen a bath
hat that said “Ain’t Life a Bitch”. Maybe one of those.’

The woman whooped a jolly laugh. ‘Did you know that the Queen watches the Queen’s Speech on her own on Christmas Day because
she can’t bear being on TV in front of her family? I guess we all get a little stage fright sometimes.’

‘I didn’t know that.’

‘Now then. I might not have a Michael Kors watch yet, but this old one tells me I have to go. I’m getting my nails done with
my daughter, a snowflake design, before tonight.’ She snapped a final photo of the Palace. ‘Now, whether it’s a bitchin’ bath
hat or something special, I hope you get what you want. Merry Christmas, honey.’

‘Merry Christmas,’ smiled Claudia. She quelled the overwhelming desire to ask the woman if she could come and get her nails
done, too.

Claudia missed her mum.

Truth be told, Claudia missed everyone right now.

Claudia walked through the door of the Hummingbird Bakery the next morning, pausing under the exuberant heater to peel the
scarf off her sweaty neck. She scowled at the pink walls. She scowled at the other customers, and she scowled at the friendly-looking
server with the ‘Merry Christmas, I’m Manpreet’ name tag. She then scowled in turn at the cupcakes, the brownies and the whoopie
pies.

‘Hello grumpy,’ Penny said, coming up behind her and also removing her coat and scarf. Claudia tried hard not to scowl at
her, too.

‘Season’s greetings,’ she said, laced with sarcasm.

Penny raised an eyebrow at Manpreet behind the counter. ‘Can I have a red velvet cupcake please, and a hot chocolate.’

‘Sure.’

Penny turned to Claudia. ‘What do you want?’

Claudia peered at her. Penny wasn’t sounding very friendly. To be fair, Claudia wasn’t being very friendly to her, but she
had a good reason to be down in the dumps. She turned to Manpreet.

‘Please can I have a pumpkin whoopie pie, a tiramisu cupcake and an extremely dark coffee with loads and loads of cream.’

‘Coming right up,’

‘Shall we sit?’ Penny asked Claudia stiffly.

Claudia slouched behind Penny as she led them to a window table. ‘So guess what?’

‘What?’

‘You’re my tenth date of December,’ Claudia said.

‘Mmm, aren’t you getting around?’ said Penny. What did that mean?

‘Not ten different people.’

‘Some just keep coming back though, don’t they?’

Manpreet brought the loaded tray to the table. ‘Enjoy. Let me know if you need a sick bag,’ she grinned at Claudia.

‘So, what’s going on?’ Penny asked.

‘What’s going on with what?’

‘What’s going on with you and Nick?’

‘Beats me. We had a date last night.
The
date. And this morning he’d left.’

‘Why did he leave?’

‘I don’t know, Penny, do you want me to list my faults? He had sex with my terribly offensive vagina. He literally had sex
with me and ran away from my bits, straight out of there, didn’t want to see them in the cold light of day. And frankly,’
Claudia pointed down, ‘she’s really hurt. She’d been to the salon and everything.’

‘Are you back with Seth?’

‘No.’ She squirmed. ‘What?’

‘Are you?’

Penny knew something. ‘I’m not back with him but he’s coming with me to the wedding.’ So there.

‘Claudia, this is a really bad idea.’

‘Why is it bad? He was my boyfriend for five years.’

‘He was your boyfriend for five years and then he dumped you! And was with someone else, and you were miserable.’

‘And then I was with someone else, and now I’m still miserable.’ Of course she knew it was an awful idea, but it was too late
now and she wasn’t in the mood for someone else to point out her mistakes. She felt she’d had enough of that from one, horrible
text message. ‘Has Nick said something to you?’

‘I called him yesterday. He’s under the impression you were stringing him along while you worked things out with Seth.’

‘I’m not working things out with Seth, but at least Seth stuck around for five years. At least it took him five years to figure
out how not-sexy I am. Nick had one ride on the rollercoaster and was like,
Yawn, when’s the next bus home?
’

‘I don’t get it. I don’t get you. You didn’t give Nick a chance to stick around for another go.’ Penny glared at Claudia,
who mashed her fork into her whoopie pie and refused to look up. ‘Nick’s heartbroken. I don’t know exactly what happened,
but it’s a pretty horrible way to treat a friend.’

‘What are you talking about?’

‘It seems to me that you led Nick on, like he was a rebound, and the minute he left you were back in Seth’s arms.’

‘I am not back in Seth’s arms at all.’

‘He saw you kissing!’

‘What? Nick saw? When?’

‘At your flat, after he went out to get you a bloody gingerbread latté.’

‘Oh …’ He’d just gone to Starbucks? Those drinks were from him? She could see why that would look bad. Really bad. But he
started it. And bloody Seth! Yet another lie. She actually was the idiot he took her
for. ‘The only reason we were kissing was because Nick sent such a mean text that wasn’t meant for me, basically crapping
all over our night together.’

‘Did you ask him about it?’

‘No.’

‘You didn’t even ask him about it?’ Penny shook her head in disbelief. ‘So it was probably a misunderstanding.’

‘There is no way it was a misunderstanding. You don’t know anything about anything. It detailed how rubbish it was, how he
couldn’t wait to get out, and basically how I was just a conquest.’ Claudia’s voice wobbled, she was ashamed saying it aloud.
‘He just wanted to see if he could bed his best friend. He’ll probably see if he can do you next.’

‘Yeah, Nick is such an arsehole, that totally sounds like him. Can I read the text?’ Claudia handed over her phone and Penny
read it, nodding. ‘I get that this sounds bad, but “
I kept my eyes closed the whole time
” – you’re hardly a minger, Claud, I just don’t believe this can be about your night together. And I’m surprised you can;
you know Nick better than this.’

‘It wouldn’t be the first time this month I was surprised by the behaviour of someone I trusted,’ Claudia sulked. Why wasn’t
Penny more shocked? It seemed so easy for her to believe there was a mix-up.

‘But
what
behaviour? One minute you’re both besotted, the next minute you’re throwing it out the window, snogging Seth and moaning
about a text that mentions you how many times? Oh, that’s right, none.’

Was Penny right? Was it Claudia who had buggered it all up?

‘If you think Seth’s a better option that Nick, who is
awesome
, you’re insane,’ Penny continued. ‘You’re a glutton for punishment. And you’re not the girl I thought you were.’

They took a moment to simmer down.

‘What is this about?’ Penny asked slowly. ‘Do you want to find out what’s going on with Nick? Or do you want an easy way out
so you can get back with Seth?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘I wish you could just make your mind up for once. I don’t mean this in a nasty way, but you can’t make your mind up ever,
about anything. You run for the easy option rather than fighting for what you supposedly want. You didn’t even bother asking
Nick what this text meant, you were just like,
Ah well, Seth’s being nice now so he’ll do
.’

Claudia sat in silence. It was true. Sometimes she felt so far from the strong, assertive, Beyoncé-type woman she longed to
be. She remembered with a deep pang that she still hadn’t given an answer about the Royal Ballet job. How many years had she
been passively job-hunting now? Was she going to mess this opportunity up as well because she was so afraid of change? She
talked the talk about taking risks, but when was she going to grow up and make some decisions?

‘I think you should talk to Nick, ASAP.’

‘I think you should just—’

‘Just what?’

‘Stay out of it,’ Claudia mumbled. Her head hurt and she felt sick thinking she might have made the stupidest, most monumental
mistake. But she could come back from it … couldn’t she? If she explained it to him? But every time she remembered that message
she felt a rush of pain all over again. What other explanation was there? Surely it was better not to kid herself: it had
obviously been about her.

Penny’s face was pink. ‘You’re right. Far be it for me, the outsider, the gooseberry, to invade on the private little world
of Claudia and Nick.’

‘I didn’t mean it like that. You’re still my best friend.’

‘Am I?’ It hung in the air like a threat. ‘It was so easy for you to dismiss him, to imagine the worst. What if I make a mistake,
or there’s a misunderstanding? Am I out, too?’

‘Of course not.’

‘I can’t believe that at the moment.’

But now is when I need you the most. Stop making it harder
.

The Michael Bublé Christmas album started in the background – a sad reminder of Claudia and Nick’s night at her flat. Claudia
glared at Manpreet. She turned back to Penny. ‘Did you ask for this to be put on?’

‘Yes, that’s exactly what’s at the top of my priority list right now. Not trying to make my two best friends see sense before
everything falls apart, but to make sure that the Michael Bublé album is playing whenever you’re in the room, because everything
is about you.’

‘I feel like you don’t get it, Penny, like you want answers from me that I don’t have right now.’

‘Fine, I’ll keep out of it. I’ll keep out of your way while you swan about in your own world, kissing the best friend, kissing
the ex, whatever. You’re absolutely right – it’s not my problem.’

‘You should be pleased: Nick’s all yours now. You can waltz off into the sunset together.’ Claudia immediately regretted saying
it.

‘Yeah, I’m desperate for your sloppy seconds. Thank you, Claudia, for stepping aside and bestowing him on me.’

‘I’m just saying. Maybe you should go for it – you liked him first.’

‘And we both know how bitter you get about me having things you don’t.’

There was silence. That was true, but Claudia was not about to admit it.

‘I am not jealous of you.’

‘I should go.’

‘Yes, please, I’ve had enough bashing for today.’

‘I’m so tired of listening to you feel sorry for yourself.’ Penny rolled her eyes, standing up.

‘Sorry for being such an inconvenience to your life.’ Claudia’s heart stung. Was this really what Penny thought of her? She
brushed a hunk of cupcake across the table in front of her, which soared directly onto Penny’s dress in a big blob of buttercream
icing. She raised an eyebrow at Penny. ‘Whoops.’

Penny looked at the mess as it plopped from her dress onto the floor. Slowly she leant over the table and picked up the discarded
half of Claudia’s whoopie pie.

‘No,’ said Claudia, pushing her chair back into the middle of the bakery. Penny prowled after her. ‘Stop it, leave me alone.’

‘Um, ladies, you’re scaring the other customers,’ Manpreet said, trying to position herself between the two.

And right there, in the middle of the charming South Kensington branch of the Hummingbird Bakery, Claudia sat on a chair while
a sticky, squashy whoopie pie was mashed onto her face.