The Unexpurgated Diary of a Shanghai Baby (4 page)

Came home later and saw Cyril arrive to take Auntie to tea dance. Neighbor lady also calling.

“Isn't Shanghai just too cosmopolitan for anything?” said Auntie, sitting on edge of chair and starting conversation.

Didn't hear more, as mama remarked to neighbor lady that amah had kept me out a long time that afternoon, but that she didn't mind because the fresh air did me good. Amah didn't say that we spent afternoon with other amahs in moving-picture show, seeing fine film of lady tied to railroad track by gentleman.

Nice day. Mama took accounts with cook this morning, and when papa came home at noon she showed him grocery bill.

“Do you think we could have eaten as much as that?” she said.

“Not unless we kept an orphan asylum,” said papa, reading total. “He must have added in the average annual rainfall and the gross tonnage of the Empress of Asia.”

“We'd better not be too hard on him,” said mama. “Maybe we do eat more than we realize. Only this morning he showed me that the coffee can was empty again.”

Guess cook didn't mention dipping out of can every day to fill two other cans on shelf. Probably amah will keep me out of kitchen when family begins to understand my language.

Raining. Mama and papa talked at breakfast about dinner they will give next week for taipan. Mama said that they will have to invite one more man and suggested friend in mess.

“I've heard people say that he's pretty good in a party,” said mama.

“He is in some ways but I've noticed that when the chits come around, he always gets writers' cramp,” said papa.

Mama said that they would have to ask him, as there wasn't much time left, and that she would send coolie over with note.

“If you're in a hurry, you'd better mail it,” said papa, starting for office.

Mama went out herself soon afterwards, because she told Auntie that she was going to try to find a spring hat under fifty dollars that didn't look as if it had gone through the Kansu earthquake.

Still raining in afternoon. Lady who writes poetry called after tiffin and asked papa if he had observed the evidences of spring.

“Yes,” said papa, “I've noticed that all the drugstores have taken in the cold remedies and are featuring the cholera cures.”

“Haven't you observed other indications ?” asked lady, looking disappointed.

“The ricsha coolies are taking off more clothes,” said papa.

“But surely you feel a thrill of happiness because winter is over,” lady said. “Doesn't it mean something
to you?”

‘It means something to me, but it doesn't give me a thrill of happiness,” papa answered, “It means that pretty soon I'll have to wear a monkey-jacket, and every time I put one on, I feel that I ought to pick up the card-tray and page somebody.”

Mama came downstairs just then, and papa sneaked out toward Race Course. Wish he'd take me some time. Tired of going to park and hearing amahs talk about new family that just moved to Frenchtown.

Sunday, sat on floor in living room and heard family talk about next-door automobile.

“I wish we had a car,” said mama, looking out window.

“Why?” asked papa. “We don't know anybody in Woosung.”

“There are plenty of places to go besides Woosung,” said mama.

“No place that I know except the Rubicon,” said papa, “and I've been around that so many times that I don't wonder Julius Caesar got impatient and crossed it instead.”

“It isn't so much a question of where you can go as the impression a motor car makes on members of the
community,” mama answered.

Papa said yes, that most cars did make impressions on members of the community, but they were usually made on Chinese members that didn't jump fast enough.

Mama picked up fashion-paper and turned leaves with rattle.

Had pleasant nap upstairs, but woke up later and saw coolie trying on mama's new spring hat before mirror. I'd just like to catch him putting on my bonnet!

In Which the Baby Finds That a Dinner Party Takes as Much Preparation as a Battle and is About the Same Thing in the End … The Diplomatic House-Boy Gets a Line on the Taipan's Dinner Clothes … Papa's Friend Believes in Preparedness.

Went out calling on amah's third cousin who lives on little street near Nanking Road. Perfumes very unusual. Not a bit like mama's talcum. Don't remember much of visit, as went to sleep on bed with Chinese baby getting over mumps. Later amah let me drink tea from her cup and gave me piece of fried dumpling. Pleasant morning.

Nobody paying any attention to me today. Everybody getting ready for taipan's dinner. Amah busy making red paper frills. Mama busy making place cards. Cook busy making menu. Auntie busy making complexion. Houseboy busy making trouble. Hope they don't forget my chow.

Papa came home to tiffin and brought fresh lettuce.

“It's perfectly safe,” he said “One of the men in the office grew it in his own garden.”

“I'm so glad,” said mama. “I'm as hungry for lettuce as a rabbit. I'll send it right down to the cook to get ready for tonight.”

Sat in kitchen later while amah tried on Paris garters she had found in papa's bureau drawer. Had interesting time watching cook blow mouthfuls of water on sanitary lettuce to keep it fresh.

Still sitting in living-room. Family forgot to have me put to bed. Table all ready for taipan's party. Mama called downstairs to papa and asked him what he was doing.

“Reading a love-story in the Municipal Gazette.” said papa. “Can't I sit down for five minutes without giving an account of myself?”

“Go in the dining-room and compare the place-cards with the initials on the knives and forks,” said Mama. “The houseboy borrowed from all over so as not to have dish-washing between courses and I want to make sure that nobody gets his own silver.”

Mama said later that she had decided upon
everything except the person who was to sit on papa's left.

“Well, don't go and pick out a century plant,” said papa, taking salted peanut from red paper dish. “The last one you put me next to remembered the inauguration of Lincoln.”

Squalled at this point and was taken upstairs, but couldn't sleep anyway on account of noise. Heard papa ask mama what had become of his pearl studs.

“I gave them to the baby for cough-drops,” said mama, with unpleasant look in voice.

Papa said all right, that she didn't need to tell him if she didn't want to, but if he didn't find them he would wear my safety pins.

Papa wondering if taipan would wear evening suit or dinner coat.

“If he wears a dress suit, I don't want to show up in a dinner coat, and if he comes in a dinner coat, I don't want to put something over on him by wearing an evening suit,” said papa.

Mama said he might send the houseboy over to ask taipan's houseboy what his master was putting on.

“I'm afraid he'd tip it off to the taipan,” said papa.

Mama said she didn't think so, and that anyway the Orientals have a grand reputation for
diplomacy. Houseboy went, but came back pretty soon. Told papa that other master sent compliments and said he would wear evening dress and that his wife was going to wear low-necked purple gown with pearl necklace. Did not catch papa's remark, but heard shoe falling downstairs after houseboy. Sometime when feeling good, I will get even with family by squalling all night.

Everybody cross today after taipan's dinner. Papa said party would have been a success if houseboy had not served dinner from behind heavy garlic barrage. Mama said it was papa's fault for telling story he had heard at club and for spearing olives with fork. Auntie cross because Bertie led her aside to say something special and then asked her for piece of baby-ribbon to tie up his lampshade.

Cook cross because people ate so much that he had nothing left over for cousins. Family living today on salted peanuts, fudge, and ripe olives. Glad we don't have dinners often.

Had interesting morning sitting on living-room floor and trying new tooth on carved wood screen.
Heard mama remark that she had met papa's friend and that he looked as if he were going to be best man at a hanging.

“He is upset because he is going home on the Golden State,” said papa.

He is afraid his suitcases will leak. “Is the Golden State going to be dry?” asked mama.

“Theoretically, yes,” said papa, “but thus far there have been 103 more tons of baggage than freight shipped on board, and practically all of it would splash if roughly handled.”

“But won't they be caught by the Department of Justice when they land in San Francisco?” asked mama.

“Oh, no,” said papa. “By the time they reach San Francisco, it will be a case for the Department of the Interior.”

Spent part of afternoon sitting in pen on porch and hearing mama tell the neighbor lady that her hair had come out something terrible since living in Shanghai and that pretty soon she would not have enough for sidepuffs.

Papa came home later feeling very happy, and said that he had seen friend off on Golden State.

“He must have unpacked his suit-cases rather soon,” mama remarked.

“Oh no,” said papa, looking at self in glass. “All the Elijahs who tried to protect themselves against the drought will have a lot more than a little oil. They put a bar on at Hongkong.”

Mama said that she was glad there was a place where papa's friend could settle down with his knitting and feel at home.

In Which the Baby, Hears about the Carlton and Proposals … Papa Tries Going in a Pool … Auntie has Idea for Safe and Sane Bet … Bridge as a Means of Promoting Harmony.

Not much doing today. Spent part of morning in basement, hearing coolie play music on Chinese fiddle. Very good noise. Couldn't do better myself.

Auntie upset today because she heard Bertie was going with girl in Frenchtown. Papa asked if Auntie had ever seen her.

“Yes, she was at the Carlton the other night,” said Auntie. “She was the one who didn't have enough clothes on and who danced so funny.”

“You don't expect me to pick her out from that, do you?” asked papa. “The description fits ninety percent of the women there.”

Auntie said she thought girl's dress was old-fashioned.

“Most of them were dressed from the waist up in the most old-fashioned clothes there are,” said papa.

Auntie said she thought papa was impolite and remarked that anyway she didn't care about Bertie, as there were plenty of other men. “A man proposed to me on the boat coming over,” said Auntie.

“What was the matter with him?” asked papa, “Was he seasick?”

“He was nothing of the sort,” said Auntie, with mad edge in voice. “He asked me to marry him the third day out.”

“I'll bet he didn't say it loud enough for you to hear him,” said papa, eating 205th salted peanut.

Auntie said that anyway she knew Cyril was in love with her, as she could tell by the way he looked at her when she wasn't looking at him. Papa told her that her periscope seemed to be in pretty good working order, but that she ought to be careful not to get a kink in her neck.

Pleasant day. Amah, cook, houseboy, and coolie excited about something called sweep-stake. Nobody paid much attention to me, but not sorry as had found can of syrup that oozed at top.

“I'm going in a Pool with the fellows at the office,”
said papa, coming in for tiffin.

“Isn't it rather early for swimming?” asked mama, looking up from Ladies Home Journal.

Papa started to say something, but stopped and remarked that yes, it was, but this time he was hoping to pick up a little seaweed.

Wish he'd give some to me, as would like to see if it is good to try on new tooth.

Not much doing today. Sat in dining-room for awhile trying to lick color off of red and blue round things which I found on floor. Color didn't come off very well. Later stayed in kitchen with amah while cook was fixing tiffin. Cook's cat took piece of fish from shelf and began to eat it on floor. Cook took fish away from cat and put it on frying pan. Was surprised cat was hungry, as had heard papa tell friend that he had sat up most of the night feeding the kitty.

Mama cross at tiffin. Told papa that the lowbrow friends he met at the club had no place in a proper home.

“That tall one who just came out from the States is round-shouldered from getting in and out of
patrol-wagons,” said mama.

Papa said that some of mama's friends were not so many laps ahead and that stout lady was so uncultured that she thought “The Lays of Ancient Rome” had something to do with eggs.

“Besides, she's so fat that she has to ride around in two ricshas,” papa remarked.

No more noise during tiffin.

Rain. Stayed home and heard coolie play fiddle. Mama said that the only thing worse than man learning to play cornet was man learning to play Chinese musical instrument.

“The trouble is you never can tell when they've learned,” said papa.