The Unexpurgated Diary of a Shanghai Baby (8 page)

Papa said that if Auntie wanted to be certain, she would make Bertie promise to cling to her as long as he does to five dollar bill.

Rain. Sat on floor while papa dug dark clothes out of trunk and said things as he threw moth-balls from pockets. Was put in crib later for nap and watched massage amah look through wardrobe while mama's face was under hot towel. Later had interesting time downstairs as coolie beat carpets with papa's golf-clubs. Might borrow golf club some day to try on Jap baby. Hope Jap papa won't object.

Rain. Family sat in parlor during morning, after papa said he didn't want to go out, as was afraid of growing fins.

“The only time you ever went to church without being driven was when we were married,” said mama.

“Yes, and look what happened to me then,” papa answered. Squalled then on account of having sat on price tag with stickers, which Auntie had thrown on floor, so mama called amah to give me chow.

Sat with family again in parlor after nap. Auntie busy with snapshots taken on houseboat trip, pasting them in album. Said she didn't know whether or not to put in one of girls wading, as her features didn't show up very good.

“Don't worry about that,” said papa, picking up snapshot. “Nobody will waste any time looking at your features.”

Auntie told papa that she never did take a very good picture in the sunlight.

“The only way you could ever take a good picture would be to go into the Louvre and walk off with Mona Lisa or something,” papa said.

No answer from Auntie, who was busy pasting in view of men and girls who had changed hats.

More rain. Went out for little while in afternoon when shower stopped but didn't have very good time, as amah stopped perambulator with back wheels on street and rest on sidewalk while she had long talk with Chinese lady. Wonder if she thinks my neck is made out of India rubber. Tried to tell mama when I came back, but mama said, “Yes, darling. Daddy will be home pretty soon.”

Family as dense as crowd at Far Eastern Olympic.

Family excited because of red spots on my face. Mama said I was getting measles. Nobody seemed to notice that Auntie had looped back mosquito net on crib with ribbon so as to make room look better when girl friends called. Squalled last night, but family didn't tumble. Jiggled wooden elephant in front of me to keep me quiet. Wonder what will happen tonight.

All rest of family have same kind of measles. Papa asked Auntie what she was lighting when he came home from office.

“It's punk,” said auntie, lighting another stick.

“I'll tell the world it is,” said papa, sniffing air. “Why don't you put it out?”

Auntie said purpose was to knock out mosquitoes under table and papa remarked that if it burned very long, mosquitoes under table would have to move over and make room for him.

“For the next few months, all Shanghai girls will walk like a fly wiping its feet after stepping on mucilage,” papa said. “Anybody who wants to make himself popular ought to get up a dance with that stop in it.”

Mama said custom of withdrawing after dinner at parties was very convenient in summer, as it gave ladies chance to massage bites.

In Which the Baby is introduced to the Fly Season … The Clothes Soviet in Shanghai … Papa Plays With Funny Round Things at Party … The Baby Just Misses Being Handed Over to Amateurs.

Still raining. Auntie worried because Bertie was likely to be sent home on business trip.

“You have a right to worry,” said papa. “The hardest working vamps in the world are the ones on the Pacific steamers. They can steal any man on the boat not under lock and key. If Cleopatra crossed with Mark Anthony, she'd probably have to spend her evenings in the salon playing dominoes with a missionary, while Mark held down the deck with some blond going to Manila.”

Mama said it was too bad some company didn't insure girls against loss of beaus who crossed ocean, but papa said there wouldn't be any money in it for firm, as risks were too great.

“How do you happen to know all this?” mama asked, with squint in eye, but papa said he had to be back to office early.

Weather very hot. Wish they would dress me with apron in front and string in back like Chinese babies, or in georgette shoulder straps like mama. Mama asked papa why he wore dark suit on warm day.

“Because I don't want to be arrested,” said papa, “I've got a suit for every day in the week and this is it.”

Mama asked papa where all his summer clothes are, and papa said that some are with the amah and some are with the houseboy. Remarked later that he was sorry he had bought transparent raincoat, as chief job of raincoat is to cover up old clothes, but transparent ones spotted bluff.

More rain. Hope it stops before Hongkew Park is washed away as have few more remarks to make to Jap baby.

Weather warm. Sat on floor in kitchen and watched coolie catch flies to put in new flytrap. When trap was crowded, coolie emptied it out of open window. Flies must have liked trap as all came back. Flies also very fond of rubber on my bottle, but don't mind very much as amah always scares them away before
giving it to me. Have swallowed only one so far. Heard mama tell Auntie that papa is too fly, and Auntie said yes, that he is always buzzing around. Wonder if he knows about trap.

Rain. Mama told papa she had been reading in paper about cutting trees down in Public Gardens.

‘The baby spends so much time down there that he will miss them a lot,” said mama.

“Why?” asked papa, “Does the amah climb trees with him?”

Mama told papa not to be any more foolish than he is naturally and said that everybody would miss the beautiful limbs.

“Oh, I don't know,” said papa. “Just take a walk down the Bund during the typhoon season and you'll see more limbs than you can count.”

Mama told papa that she thought he had better come up to Tsingtao for August.

Weather a little better. Auntie busy pulling out eye-brows and making new ones with pencil. Said she didn't know what she would do about complexion in the hot weather, as powder always looked like wet
flour and melted color showed so badly on shoulders of monkey-jackets.

“I don't worry any about my complexion and lots of people are wild about me,” papa said.

“You mean that lots of the people about you are wild,” mama answered.

Papa said that anyway his friends didn't spend all afternoon over cup of tea and two macaroons wondering how lady next door could afford sequin gown when husband was only Number 4 in office.

Not much doing today. Went calling with amah in house with Chinese baby. Amah gave the baby my bottle to try, but baby didn't like it. Then amah passed it to baby's sisters and brothers. Squalled, as thought I might need drink on the way home. Amah filled up rest of bottle with tea. Better than rubber mouthpiece with no connection, but not as good as regular chow.

Friday. Papa busy looking over clothes brought by washmen.

“He must have a new customer,” said papa. “Here is a shirt I never saw before.”

Papa said that laundered clothes in Shanghai are
owned on a community basis and everybody wears them in turn.

“I saw one of my shirts on a Bubbling Well car today and another one almost ran over me on a motorcycle,” papa remarked.

Glad my clothes are washed by amah, as would hate laundry to deal me Jap baby's kimono.

Interesting time. Papa came home with friends after mama went out to tea-party. Friends asked if mama was likely to come back soon, and papa said no, not if she once gets to talking, and that coast was as clear as at American Club.

“Put a little snow on Fuji,” said friend twirling round white thing into center of green cloth. Lots more talk I didn't understand. Heard papa say later that he was going to put Auntie on the table, but didn't know how he could as she was still at tea-party.

Crawled under couch and went to sleep, but woke up when boy said missee was coming. Somebody threw round things down under couch cover and somebody else pushed in bottles.

“We've been talking over some business,” said
papa, as mama came in.

Thought I would surprise mama. Crawled out with red round thing in my hand to give her but knocked over bottle while getting out.

“We've just had tea,” said papa, looking nervous.

“I never heard it called that before,” said mama, picking up bottle and reading label.

Papa's friends said they would have to go on account of important date and papa remarked that he would see them to ricshas. Ricshas must have been a long way off, as papa is still out.

Great excitement. Family going back to America. Papa says mama will have lovely time breaking in Swede servant girl if any, and that she had better ask amah to draw diagram of safety-pins in my attire. Auntie busy buying clothes for shipboard but papa said that if she is still as good a sailor as she was coming over, all she needs is night-dress.

Squalled all day, as hate idea of being dressed and brought up by amateurs. Heard mama say she was going to give goldfish to amah. Wish I was a goldfish.

Family still busy packing. Auntie says Bertie has asked her to stay, but she says she will look at crowd on boat before deciding. Papa packing clothes in bird-cage, as mama has taken up all room in trunk.

Family leaving. Tried to hide in closet, so as to be forgotten, but mama found me when looking for lost
handbag. Still squalling about losing amah.

Final bulletin - Great surprise. Amah coming with us. Passed Jap baby on way, to steamer and threw chow bottle. Very happy. Wonder if being baby in America is any easier than in Shanghai.

Houseboy - The major factotum in a Far Eastern household. He waits on table, answers the doorbell and telephone, and usually directs the other servants.

Coolie - A servant of lower rank who usually does ninety per cent of the work. The term is also applied to all unskilled laborers in China.

Tiffin - The meal which at home is known as lunch or luncheon, depending on whether or not there are flowers on the table.

Chow - Anything to eat.

Carlton - One of Shanghai's most popular dancing resorts.

Bund - The street skirting Shanghai's waterfront, on the Whangpoo River.

Shroff - A Chinese bill-collector employed by local firms to present signed chits on the first of every month and secure payment if possible. Very unpopular among foreigners.

Amah - The lady servant who guides the destinies of foreign children in China. She is also the unprinted newspaper that keeps local gossip in circulation.

Chit - A bill signed in restaurants, cafes, or stores as a promise to pay; also a note carried by a coolie.
The large number of coolies and the eccentricities of the telephone system make the chit a very popular method of communication.

Taipan - The manager of a firm or office. The social system in the East gives the taipan a large amount of prestige, regardless of his drawing-room qualifications.

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