The Unexpurgated Diary of a Shanghai Baby (6 page)

Papa remarked later that people who wandered forty years in wilderness were probably trying to get the land of Canaan on the telephone.

“There weren't any telephones in Bible times,” said mama.

“Of course there were,” said papa. “Didn't you ever hear of the Book of Numbers?”

Central interrupted then to tell papa that line was engaged and also out of order. Amah carried me out in hurry.

Pleasant day. Sat on porch while amah pulled out her front hair with string and patted pieces of black court plaster on forehead for headache. Papa came home for tiffin and Auntie asked him if he was going in for any kind of spring athletics.

“No,” said papa. “I get plenty of exercise sprinting into the house after paying a ricsha coolie, so as to arrive ahead of the row. I used to be a shark at baseball, but I haven't any time to practice.”

“You are still good at catching high-balls,” said mama. Papa said he was glad to hear mama admit that he was good at something. Rest of tiffin quiet except for soup.

Papa remarked later after finding coolie brushing bureau with silk shirt that he was sorry ratepayers wouldn't allow Municipal Council to build the $10,000 monkey-house in Jessfield Park, as he would like to contribute new upstairs coolie and might also be persuaded to part with house-boy.

Had ride to Hongkew Park. No sign of Jap baby. Hope it is walking back to Japan.

Nice day. Family excited because I said “Mama.” Was really trying to say “Amah” but can't make family understand my language. Papa said that mama had better pay a little more attention to me when I begin to talk.

What about my bridge parties? asked mama.

“Teach the baby to score and then you can take him with you,” said papa. “If he stays in the back of the house all the time, he will learn to swear in Chinese.”

“Yes, and if he stays in the front of the house, he will learn to swear in English,” said mama, looking at papa. Papa said that he guessed he had a right to say something when he found that houseboy had put flypaper in bureau drawer to keep moths away from golf-socks.

Sat on floor while family read paper. Auntie asked meaning of “P.P.C.” which she had seen in corner of friend's card.

“I've heard that it means ‘Please Postpone Chits',” said mama.

“I've also known cases where it stood for ‘Payment Permanently Cancelled',” papa remarked.

Mama said family would have to send steamer present to friends and suggested basket of flowers.

“Yes,” said papa. “People in a state-room so small that they have to sleep with their hats on because they have no place to put them always appreciate a basket of flowers. Besides, it is such a comfort when you have 31½ pieces of hand luggage to have a kind friend rush up and make it 32½.”

Mama remarked that she might send box of candy, only friend would not appreciate it after the first day out. “I'll look around the house and try to find something that I don't use very often and wouldn't miss much,” mama said.

“Why not send them the baby?” papa inquired.

No more remarks about present. Papa said later that maybe friends would not appreciate family coming to see them off, as many people preferred to stay inside tender until it got too far away from jetty for shroffs to jump.

Amah bought me new black rubber thing today. Thought I was getting chow, but found out it was bluff. Disappointed to find no connection. Wonder if they think they are really fooling me. Wouldn't hold it in Hongkew Park, as didn't want Jap baby to think I was being taken in.

Pleasant weather. Auntie said this morning that Cyril had invited her to go to lecture on “Theory of Relativity.”

“Do you know what that is?” she asked mama.

“I don't know for certain, but I think it is about how to get along with your relatives,” mama said.

Hope they all go. Maybe they'll learn more about getting along with Me.

Had pleasant trip to Hongkew Park. Rubber thing fell out of perambulator. Hoped I had lost it, but amah picked it up again.

Flavor of Hongkew Park not as good as Public Garden. Later came home and watched amah's younger sister hand starch mama's white kid gloves.

Weather still good. Papa said he had to hurry at noon, as he and lawyer friend at club were going to look into important case that had just come up. Mama asked him if important case had just come up from cellar. Quiet tiffin.

Bertie called this afternoon. Said he was sorry to have stayed away so long, but that he had sprained shoulder.

“Yes, I've heard she dances like that,” said Auntie with ice-box expression.

Bertie pulled collar as face turned color of Jap baby's felt hat. Then asked Auntie why she went with Cyril person.

“There is nothing the matter with Cyril,” said Auntie, tossing head. “He goes in the best society in Pootung.”

Bertie asked Auntie what Cyril did for a living, and Auntie said she wasn't sure but thought he handled remittance department in some bank, as she had heard he was remittance man.

Bertie tried to hold Auntie with arm and Auntie said she would scream if he didn't stop. Tried to help by squalling to call family. Bertie pulled collar again and said he would have to go home. Went. Auntie said I was a pest and ought to be locked up in garret. Can't understand family. Guess I'll go to sleep with wooden elephant and make-believe chow.

In Which the Baby is First Introduced to Mr. Henli Regatta … Mama Brings Happiness to the American Navy … The Baby Goes on Spree at Theater and Mah-Jongg Party … Peanuts as an Infant Diet.

Too many clothes for weather. Wish amah would dress me like Auntie. Had nap upstairs while coolie tried mama's cold cream on complexion. Amah caught him. Told him he should be ashamed to take mama's things and that anyway she had seen bottle first. Coolie came back later and took drink of mama's florida water. Seemed very happy. Much Chinese music. Wish they'd let me have nap, as being baby in Shanghai is not easy job.

Auntie excited at tiffin, as black cat had crossed path. Asked papa if he believed in signs.

“Not in Shanghai,” said papa. “I waited for fifteen minutes for a tram this morning at a place called a ‘Request Stop.' Next time I'll send my request in five
days in advance and get the seal of the Minister of Communications in Peking.”

Auntie said she didn't mean that kind of signs, but wanted to know if black cat had any connection with bad luck. Papa said it often did, as he had caught cook's cat drinking cream several times and it had always meant bad luck for the cat.

Mama said that upstairs coolie had broken shaving mirror that morning, as he seemed excited and was working in hurry to go away to Chinese funeral. Papa said that if he wasn't more careful he would soon go to another one, only nobody would expect him to light joss sticks. No more conversation about coolie, as papa stopped to tell houseboy that though he was fond of soup, he didn't like it on collar-bone.

Went out for jaunt in perambulator with amah. Amah very good chauffeur. Pushes ricsha coolies out of way with conversation. Saw Jap baby in front of bath-house and hoped He would get lots of soap in mouth. Later passed Auntie and girl friend, but was cut dead. Hate these social distinctions.

Nice day. Auntie busy getting new clothes to wear Sunday when she goes to see somebody called Henli Regatta. Don't know Henli. Must be new friend.

Auntie said all ready-made clothes she had tried on fitted like an Underwood typewriter cover on a Corona.

Mama told her she should be careful not to speak of typewriters, as it wouldn't do to let Shanghai people know that she had had job in office of coal and feed store at home.

“I've been introducing you as somebody with money, and you ought to help out in the impression,” mama said.

“Haven't I been trying to?” asked Auntie. “I write all my letters on Astor House stationery and when I am at a tea, I always call up on the telephone to find out why my car hasn't come.”

Mama remarked that when next door girl said she couldn't bear to be dictated to Auntie spilled beans by saying that she couldn't either, unless the boss spoke very slowly. Surprised to hear of Auntie spilling beans, as had never seen her in kitchen.

Papa came home for afternoon. Mama told him
that if family was going to Tsingtao, he would have to go down to American Consulate and get a passport.

“The trouble is that if I go to American Consulate, I'll also have to pay my income tax and I haven't seen anything coming in except shroffs,” said papa.

Mama remarked that it would probably be pretty hard for papa to figure up his income, and papa said no, it wouldn't, as all he would have to do would be to add up what mama had spent.

No more conversation for a while, but afterwards papa said that he would have to stay in town during part of summer and play tag with mosquitoes.

“I hope you'll promise not to take more than one cocktail at a time while we're away,” mama remarked.

Papa said that would be easy, as he always found it awkward to lift two glasses at once.

“It will be rather hard to take the baby up to Tsingtao,” said mama.

“Why not put him in mothballs with the furs?” papa inquired. No answer from mama.

Couldn't go to Hongkew this afternoon as park is busy holding sailors. Mama told papa that she was going to picnic and would bring enough food for five navy men.

“You'd better hire half a dozen ricshas,” said papa. “The cargo capacity of the American navy is the highest in the world.”

Mama said she was taking macaroons and heart-shaped sandwiches, also mint candies. Papa remarked that on that diet, the U. S. Navy would soon be in shape to win a push-ball contest from Montenegro. Mama said that she hoped she would be asked to help decide male beauty contest, as she was a competent judge of handsome men.

“Yes,” said papa. “You surely gave me a life sentence at hard labor.”

Mama told papa that he had wrong impression and had probably gotten it by shaving in front of Auntie's picture of Francis Bushman since coolie broke mirror.

Nobody home today. All gone to see Henli regatta. Family left in hurry this morning after Auntie changed dress four times and complexion twice. Auntie said she had put on medium tint, and papa said that described it, as it was certainly neither rare nor well done. Mama remarked that she lets her color come and go, and papa answered yes, that it comes on in the morning and goes off at night.

“It's too bad we didn't get an invitation to go on a
houseboat,” said mama.

Papa said that the boats were very crowded and that they would have had as much privacy as an elephant in zoo, also that he would probably be expected to sleep on hatch. Auntie finally said she was going to wear a fluffy summer girl's costume, and papa remarked that it would probably be all right as long as the fluffy summer didn't catch her in it.

Family went out at last and banged door, after Auntie came back twice to put more powder on nose and once to put perfume behind ear. Heard papa say that it was a shame to waste two good bottles on pickles but mama told him to stop talking and call a car.

“The kind of car this family is going to travel in passes the corner every five minutes without being called,” said papa.

Mama said that he was as tight with his money as Auntie's new shoes, but papa said that all he had left after buying railroad tickets was a dollar with copper filling and he was saying that for church.

Pleasant day. Houseboy, cook, coolie, and relations having game on dining-room table with family's mah-jong set. Amah trying on papa's silk socks left by houseboy. Amah's sister making self useful by sewing
china buttons on papa's dress shirt. Upstairs coolie enjoying florida water. Will probably have to squall to get chow.

Had exciting time this afternoon, as after mah-jong party everybody went to Chinese theater. Was taken by amah. Had interesting time trying to dodge hot towels thrown from aisles and empty water - melon seeds falling from gallery. Music combination of cook stepping on cat's tail and houseboy breaking dishes. Had seed candy and two peanuts. Had to swallow peanuts all in one piece as found that new teeth don't hit.

In Which the Baby Hears Further Reports of Henli Regatta, Especially About Non-Washable Bathing Suits … The Advantages of Bamboo Dragons Over Wooden Elephants … Another Encounter with the Jap Baby.

Nice day, but have funny feeling inside. Auntie busy putting talcum powder on sunburn. Said she saw Bertie at regatta and papa remarked that if he isn't careful they'll cancel his citizenship at the American Consulate for carrying a walking stick more than an inch in diameter.

“I don't know why he didn't row,” said Auntie, “He has a wonderful build. I heard that he stands 5 feet 11 inches in his gym suit and weighs 150 pounds in his stocking feet.”

Papa said that Bertie was probably like Jess Willard in being a champion heavy-weight from the neck down and a champion lightweight from the neck up.

Mama asked papa if he was glad he went to the regatta and he said yes, that he held four aces once and
had a full house several times.