The Unexpurgated Diary of a Shanghai Baby (2 page)

It's too deep for me. Am going to take a nap.

Went out today with the amah. Mama thought we went to the Public Gardens, but we didn't. Amah took me calling on Sinza Road where all her family live in a nifty two roomed house. They were very much interested in my new back tooth. First amah put her finger in my mouth. Then her brother, Lo Shing, First Rate Lady Best Style Tailor, put his finger in my mouth. Then her cousin, Ah See, who runs High Class Christian Gambling Parlor, put his finger in my mouth. Then Liou Zung, Stylish Maker of Ancient Chinese Ornament, put his finger in my mouth. Wish amah's family wasn't so fond of garlic.

Went out with amah again this morning and a fresh Jap baby made a face at me in Hongkew Park. Will get even someday. When I was enjoying bottle at home later, mama said, “He's getting to be such a big baby that pretty soon we can give him solid food.” If she only knew what I had this morning - piece of meat dumpling that amah chewed for me and a water chestnut. Amah is a good sport.

Had colic. Squalled.

Didn't sleep well last night, as father came home late and made lots of noise. Mama hasn't had much to say this morning. Very unusual. Looks like rain.

Not much doing today. Papa asked mama how her bridge party went. Mama said she lost five dollars. Papa said.” Five dollars! Do you think I'm made of money?”

“Who dropped $200 on Silver Streak last fall?” Mama inquired sweetly. Papa turned red and murmured that accidents would happen. Mama said yes, they would, but that was no reason for betting on one of them. Papa picked up a poetry book, from the table in a hurry and started to read out loud. He read. “The stag at eve had drunk his fill.”

“Yes,” said mama, looking at Papa, “That is the worst of those stag parties.”

Papa said he guessed he would go out and take a walk.

Bertie called again today and said that he was not feeling well because a few months ago he had had a bad attack of water on the brain. Papa said it was too
bad they removed it, as water is better than nothing. Auntie is not speaking to papa now. Grown-ups are very curious.

Saw that fresh Jap baby again in Hongkew Park. Made a face at it. Mama said today that we might go to America soon, but that we can't take amah. Very sorry. Hate traveling with strangers. Believe I'll give the family my resignation and try to get a job.

Raining again. Spent most of this morning in the basement with amah, watching houseboy and coolie play cards with mama's new bridge deck. Coolie won two pairs of papa's silk socks from houseboy. No use telling the family, though. They never listen to me.

Afternoon and still raining. Papa was late to tiffin and mama said that he shouldn't have stopped in at the club. Papa said, “How did you know I stopped in at the club? By telepathy?”

“No,” said mama, “I didn't have to use telepathy.”

The girl next door passed just then with a man in an automobile, and papa said, “She seems to be getting
by all right. Wonder why Ethel can't make it?”

“She's an impertinent little chit,” said mama, looking out the window.

“Then I suppose you would call that fellow who fetches and carries for her a chit coolie,” papa answered.

Nobody said anything more during tiffin. Slept in the afternoon and dreamt I hit that fresh Jap baby from Hongkew Park with my wooden elephant.

Mama was real excited this morning, because she said that the stepsister to amah's grand-aunt had died and amah had to show up at the funeral.

“Who will take care of our baby?” mama asked.

“Oh, is that our baby?” said papa, looking surprised, “I always thought it was the amah's.”

“Don't get funny,” said mama, “It's a serious proposition. She'll be gone all day. Somebody will have to look after him.”

“There's a nomination I could make,” papa said.

“You're trying to be ridiculous again. What would my friends think if they saw me wheeling a perambulator?”

“They might think you had a baby,” papa said.

Mama didn't answer this right away, but remarked
later that she wondered if amah really was going to a funeral.

“Maybe she belongs to the literary Section of the Amahs' Friday Morning Club and is going to read a paper on ‘Introducing Chinese Civilization into the Foreign Home,'” papa remarked.

“You make me tired,” said mama leaving the room.

Still sitting on the dining-room floor. Guess I'll have to shift for myself today.

Didn't go out with mama after all. Rather sorry, as I believe in being democratic and cultivating the people I live with, even if I don't know them very well. Mama turned me over to the house-boy's aunt. Nice old party. Took me to a place where she burned some punksticks before a funny-looking gentleman; then undressed me and put some red paper on my chest for good joss. Didn't squall. Thought I'd humor the old girl.

Passed a place in Hongkew on way home, with pictures outside of black-haired man choking lady on top of building. Had glimpse of amah coming out with two other amahs, eating peanuts and giggling. Will snub her next time we meet.

Nice weather again. Papa came downstairs after tiffin all dressed up in funny clothes and carrying a lot of clubs. “I'm going out to tee off,” he said.

“That's all right, as long as you don't tee up,” Mama answered.

Can't understand a lot of this talk. Wish they would try to learn my language.

Papa came in bye and bye. Said he saw Bertie on the links. “Yes, he is going to take Ethel and me to a dance tonight,” said mama, “He goes to all the dances at the best cafes.”

“And I suppose he takes part in all the most fashionable walks on the Bund and rides on the most exclusive streetcars,” papa said.

Mama didn't say any more because funny noises came from downstairs just then, and papa said he was going down to the basement to tell that Chinese Mischa Elman to put some rosin on his bow.

Nothing much else happened today, except that when I was going to bed I heard papa tell mama that he missed a lot of silk socks. “Is the houseboy wearing
them to the meetings of the Young China Fantan Association or have ladies taken up half hose again?” he asked.

“You're always losing things,” said mama, “What became of all that money you took out the other night to play poker with?”

“That's neither here nor there,” papa said.

“It certainly isn't here,” mama answered.

Have decided to forgive amah after all. Wish I could get a day off myself some times. Would like to start something with that fresh Jap baby that makes faces at me in Hongkew Park.

In which the Baby Observes Family Life on Sunday Afternoon … He Observes That He Takes After Both Relations … The Mandarin Coat as a souvenir … First Battle in the Nippon-Baby War … The Mystery of the Shattered China.

Sunday again. Like Sunday because there are so many papers on the floor for me to rattle, though family won't let me stay in living room very long. Tailor came this morning with new dress, and mama told papa that the Chinese have a genius for higher mathematics because they can take seven yards of georgette crepe, make a five-yard dress and have nothing left over. Papa said, “Uh-huh,” and turned over the page of his pink sheet to see what Jiggs was doing.

“Look at baby with the newspaper,” said Auntie, “Pretty soon he will be reading the comics.”

“Yes,” said mama, “If he can ever get them away from his dad.” Papa is still reading pictures. Guess I'll play with the Want Ad. section.

Still Sunday. Auntie put record on phonograph and began to practice new dance. “I'll have to learn all the latest side-steps,” said Auntie, “Dancing is getting more complicated than ever. Every little movement seems to have a meaning of its own.”

“Yes,” said papa, “And if some of the meanings were translated into words, they couldn't be sent through the mails. I've certainly seen some weird dancing in this town.”

“Have you?” said mama looking interested, “I suppose you'll see some more of it when Ethel and I and the baby go away for the summer.”

“Well,” said papa, “the houseboy is a good fellow and he and I have many things in common, including my tobacco and silk socks, but that doesn't mean that I'm coming home early every evening you're away to play tiddledewinks with him.”

Mama went out and banged door. Through with papers. Wish amah would come upstairs and bring me my wooden elephant. Want bite on back tooth.

Sat on dining room floor during tiffin, as amah was busy in basement telling next-door amah all about
Auntie's dates, Bertie, and mama's new dress. Papa said that if the houseboy didn't learn that he wanted to eat the food and not merely look at it, he was going to chain down the plates. He doesn't let a course pause in front of me any longer than the deacon halts the hat when taking up a collection at church,” said papa.

“Maybe he is fussed because you are here,” said mama, “He is not very fond of strangers.”

“Well, if that cook was as good a performer on the kitchen range as he is on the Chinese piccolo, I wouldn't eat so many meals away from home,” papa said.

I started to tell them a little later that I wanted amah to come upstairs and give me some Chow.

“Listen to baby,” mama said, “Isn't it funny how he talks all the time without saying anything?”

“I always said he took after you,” said papa, reaching for hat and diving toward door.

“I'm not the only member of the family he takes after,” mama shouted down the hall, “Have you ever noticed how fond he is of his bottle?”

Papa shut front door hard and went down street.

Sunday afternoon. New man called to take Auntie to a place they called the Golden State.

“Who is that infant I saw Ethel going out with?” said papa, coming in just after they left. “Has she taken to teaching a kindergarten class?”

“He is no infant,” said mama, “He was in the war two years and was wounded twice.”

“I didn't know they mobilised the Boy Scouts,” said papa, picking up the paper again.

Didn't hear any more because amah carried me off to take a nap.

Still raining some. Sat in basement while next-door amah told our amah all about the girl in her house. Didn't pay much attention, as was busy watching coolie wash his clothes with mamas perfumed complexion soap. Other amah went home bye and bye and our amah cracked some watermelon seeds for me. Pleasant morning.

Mama told papa at tiffin that she had gotten a letter from Aunt Lucy at home, asking her to send two or three Mandarin coats as souvenirs of China.

“Did she send a check with her little request?” papa asked. “Not so you could notice it,” mama answered, shaking letter.

“They never do,” said papa, “People at home seem to think that all you have to do in China to get a Mandarin coat is to bait a trap with some chop suey and wait for a Mandarin to walk into it. Are you going to send her any?”

“No,” said mama, “I've decided to wait until she goes to France this summer and then ask her to send me two or three little frocks from the Rue de la Paix as souvenirs of Paris.”

“That's the stuff,” said papa.

Wish the rain would stop. Want to go out to Hongkew Park and settle things with that fresh Jap baby.

Feeling fine today. Amah parked my perambulator next to fresh Jap baby's in Hongkew Park, then went off to talk to Chinese policeman. Jap baby made face at me and tried to grab wooden elephant. First threw wooden elephant on ground out of reach, then leaned over and took Jap baby's bean-cake. Later reached for black hair and got some. Amah came back, picked up elephant, and wheeled me away. Who said Jap babies never bawl?

Family more stupid than ever. Amah set me in bathroom this morning while she went for clean clothes, as I had spilled Jap bean-cake on dress. Saw upstairs coolie cleaning corners of wash-stand with mama's tooth-brush. Squalled to call family. Mama came upstairs and asked amah if safety-pin was sticking me. No hope of getting across any real ideas in this house. Had pleasant nap later still holding black hair.

Fair and warmer. Sat on porch today and watched new gardener pull up flowers and leave weeds. Papa said that Summer was coming and that he was going to hide his palm beach trousers before the amah kidnapped them to wear as part her summer sports costume. Nothing else happening except another new tooth in northwest corner of mouth. Wish I could try it out on Jap baby.

Weather still good. Mama told papa at tiffin that amah said next door man on right was going to the States.

“Zat so?” said papa, telling boy to bring soup chop-chop. “His sole will be missed by every brass rail in
Shanghai. There'll be lots of moaning at the bar when he puts out to sea.”

Mama said that his friends held a farewell party at his house last night and that all the chinaware had been broken.