The Unorthodox Arrival of Pumpkin Allan (13 page)

“Anyway, pop up the farm for tea, quick as you can and I’ll fill you in. I’ll just put ‘er away,” she nodded at the horse, which looked like she’d fallen asleep, “I’ll be ready in twen’y.”

“Okay,” said Lois, looking stunned and a little confused as she watched Sicily pick up her reins and gently encourage the horse to pick up some forward momentum.

Lois called in to Honeysuckle to check on progress. All appeared to be going well and none of the workmen looked like they wanted any interference. As Lois was going to drive straight from Sicily’s to London, she stripped the dusty bed linen from the bed to wash at the flat and stuffed the pillows and duvet into bin liners, in an attempt to keep them dust free. Then she went and collected the rest of her washing and overnight bag from Annie’s house, loaded it all into the car and made her way along the lane.

Lois had to drive extremely slowly along the lane as it deteriorated into an increasingly delapidated track as she got closer to farm. She began to think it would have been quicker and much better for her poor MG, whose exhaust kept grounding as she went over the bumps, if she’d have walked to Sicily’s.

Lois could see the farm a couple of hundred yards ahead, when she came across a large brown puddle, which was about twenty yards long and stretched right across the road. It smelt, as her mother would have said, ‘very countrified’. She would have liked to turn the car around, at this point, left it somewhere safe and walked the rest of the way. But the road was too narrow to turn back and she had no wellies with her, so she very slowly started to ease the car through. As she did so, she noticed a huge muckheap to the side of the road, which had, up to this point been curtained by brambles, and the cause of the puddle became clear. Lois touched her head, in a ‘touch wood’ gesture, hoping that her little car would get her out the other side. The thought of having to wade, in her sandals and fawn linen trousers, through it, made her retch.

As the car emerged out of the puddle, Lois gave it a little pat on the dashboard, “Good car!” she said, feeling relieved and a little smug that she was clearly a very skilful driver, negotiating such an obstacle successfully.

Lois drove up the drive of the farm, and parked her car alongside half a dozen others, three of which were very new looking Range Rovers, complete with personalized number plates. As she got out of the car, Sicily appeared from the stable yard.

“Ah, you’ve been negotiating Bill’s ‘manuur heap’ in an MG, I bet that was interestin’. Your lucky ‘e didn’t ‘ave to come and tow you out with the tractor, it wouldn’t of been the first time.”

“What did you call it?”

“The manuur heap. Ask Bill about it when you next see ‘im, ‘e can’t say manure!”

“So all that,” Lois paused, “manuur, comes from here does it? Why does he pile it by the side of the road, why not pile it on the farm, there’s plenty of land here isn’t there?”

“Oh yeah, he could do that, but ‘e likes winding people up. Particularly Charles Black. ‘E thinks it discourages Black from venturing down ‘ere. It doesn’t of course, but it keeps Bill ‘appy. Come on, lets go in and ‘ave a cup o tea, Maureen must be out, ‘er car’s not ‘ere and Bill’s out in the tractor.”

“So if Maureen’s not here, who owns all these cars?”

“Oh they’re not ours, my family all drive old bangers. These belong to our liveries. More money than sense most of ‘em!”

Sicily and Lois made their way to the farmhouse. A stunning brick and flint building, which Sicily explained was built in the seventeenth century and listed. There was a large dog kennel outside the back door, with a huge Alsatian laying in the doorway, which, on seeing them approach, much to Lois’s concern, got up and idly walked towards them. “Is he safe?” she asked Sicilly, having never been a fan of German Shepherds.

“Oh, don’t worry about Boot, ‘e’s fine, so long as you’re with me. Don’t come into the garden on your own though, ‘e’ll eat you.”

“Ah, now I’m reassured…not.”

They made their way through the back door and into the kitchen via a boot room. Sicily made the tea in an exquisite china teapot and got out a matching jug of milk, sugar bowl, plates and cups and saucers. She then produced a homemade cake, which Lois felt surprised to learn she had baked herself. Lois felt a bit guilty that she found this whole set up, very unexpected.

“So come on Sicily, give me the full story on Chaz.”

“Well, where to start? ‘E and Mags live in the last cottage in the park, next to Richard and Debbie. They moved in about three years ago. She’s a lecturer up the university. This’ll tickle you, she works in health promotion, specialisin’ in diet! That’s a laugh innit, I should think she weighs about twen’y stone!”

“Oh my God, that’s hilarious! Appalling, but hilarious. Hang on a minute, are you kidding me?”

“Would I? No, straigh’ up Lois, everything I tell you this afternoon will be the truth, promise! Anyway, Mags, as you know, very well spoken, well educa’ed, parents allegedly live in a mansion in Yorkshire. Then there’s Chaz. Says he runs a,” Sicily gesticulated inverted commas as she said, “‘distribution business from ‘ome,’ well, I suppose that’s the truth.

“Anyway, they moved in and all seemed fine. Everyone thought they were NFHP, that’s normal for ‘arewood park.” Lois laughed. “Some of the snobs in the park didn’t take to Chaz in a big way, but that was about it, until Richard’s sister came to visit. She and ‘er ‘usband arrived for a barbecue and bumped into Chaz and Mags as they were gettin’ out the car. As they walked into the ‘ouse, they slammed the door and burst into hysterical laughter. When they were finally able to speak ‘elen, the sister, said, “Nice neighbours guys, good to see the place is going up market!” Well, this comment got Debs’ back right up and she star’ed going on about not judging books by their covers and all that. But it turned out they knew ‘em from Ealing. Neighbours, funny enough. ‘elen gave Mags a lot of support while Chaz was inside. Anyway, she broke the news to Debs and Richard what his distribution company distribu’ed, ‘eroin and coke mainly, and that was that. I wish I’d been there to see Debs’ face.

“Apparently ‘annah, Debs’ eldest, thought this was well cool and ran straight up to ‘er room to start texting ‘er friends to let them know that their next door neighbour was a drug dealer. Ben started asking questions about class A drugs and what effect they ‘ad on you and since he couldn’t get any answers off of ‘is parents, who were in a combined state of shock and disbelief, went to the study to look it up on the Internet. At which point, this being eleven-thir’y in the morning, Debbie went and opened a bottle of wine to steady ‘er nerves.

“Richard said that Debs refused to go out in the garden while he fired up the barbecue, as ‘they’ might be listening to the conversation. She needed more facts, so she stayed inside until she was sure she ‘ad all the information she needed to deal with the ‘orror of ‘aving a master criminal living next door.

“Apparently, not long after she’d been told all this, Debs saw Chaz, from Lisa’s window sneakin’ round to Charles Black’s shed, whilst Charles was away. Unaware that she was watching, ‘e put a brief case inside. She couldn’t report it though; Chaz would have known it was ‘er. Their house is the only one that overlooks the shed.”

“Hey Sicily, our house has been empty for ages. You don’t think he would have hidden anything in our shed do you?”

“It wouldn’t surprise me. ‘Ave you checked?”

“Yes,” said Lois slowly, looking pensive.

“Anything unusual?”

Lois thought for a few seconds. “Four brand new, identical garden gnomes, they seemed a bit odd.”

“Did any of them look ‘igh?”

“Well, they were all up on a shelf. Oh ha ha.” Lois said as she got the point of the joke.

“So anyway, time moves on. We all know ‘ow Chaz makes ‘is money, but pretend we don’t. It’s quite su’ink really innit Lois?”

Lois, feeling she knew Sicily well enough now to tease her a little, responded, “Yer Sis, it is su’ink innit!”

“Oh, I know I don’t speak well. I blame Bill. ‘E was dragged up in Slough. But I’m gonna make an effort to talk posh like you Lois. I’ll start tomorrow. Anyway, goin’ back to what I was sayin’, before bein’ so rudely interrupted,” they both laughed, “another funny thing was that Richard and Debbie ‘ad rented a video the night before ‘elen and ‘er ‘usband came and broke the news. It was ‘The Whole Nine Yards’ a movie about having a contract killer moving in next-door!”

Lois laughed, shaking her head. “Gosh, you know I was hoping to meet some interesting characters by moving to the country, but so many, in such a small place? Talking of which, it sounds like your family isn’t exactly run-of-the-mill from what I’ve heard.” Sicily laughed as she poured the tea.

“Now, what can I tell you?” Sicily thought for a moment as she passed Lois a dainty cup and saucer. “Bill did very well for ‘imself, marrying Maureen. She’s, well, you’ll meet ‘er soon enough, she’s very different to ‘im. Nothing much fazes Maureen and it’s ‘er who runs the farm. She organises everyone, keeps us all in order, staff, liveries and Bill alike. Bill, well you’ve met ‘im. ‘E’s responsible for all the jobs around the farm that need a man or a tractor, but nothing too ‘eavy, those are saved up for Norman, my brother. Bill gets angina, had an ‘eart attack a few years back, so ‘e’s gotta be careful.”

Sicily cut them both enormous pieces of cake, which she placed carefully on the china plates and got out two small silver cake forks and linen napkins rolled up in silver napkin rings. “Bill’s daily routine consists of gettin’ any jobs done around the farm. Then he starts up ‘is tractor, tidies up the mess around the muck cart with it, ‘itches the cart to the tractor and takes the muck to the manuur heap. After that, ‘e usually carries on to Charles Black’s ‘ouse and parks outside.”

“He sits there for hours doesn’t he? I heard it’s all part of a long term feud between him and Charles.”

“Yep, all down to old Black bein’ an interfering old nosey parker and Bill’s inability to abide by the rules. They’re like a couple o’ kids really, but what can you do?

“Anyway, depending on how vindictive he’s feelin’, how cold it is and whether his gout’s playin’ ‘im up, ’e stays there for sometimes four or five hours, Mum thinks ‘e’s at the pub! ‘E takes sandwiches, a flask of coffee and the MP3 player I gave ‘im, I put all ‘is favourite country and western music on it. Then he sits staring in to Black’s front room and kitchen windows as constantly as ‘e can. He don’t do weekends though,” Sicily laughed, “‘e feels ‘e’s entitled to a couple of days off, besides ‘e quite often drives me to events at the weekends, gives old man Black a bit of a reprieve!”

“Has he never called the police? Charles I mean.”

“Yeah, on several occasions. They came out and talked to Bill after the first complaint, but Bill said it was a pretty place to sit and eat lunch and since there were no parking restrictions what was the problem? When Charlie Boy said that Bill had been starin’ in, intimidatin’ ‘im through his windows Bill laughed so ‘ard, ‘e inhaled a piece of the salami  ‘e was eatin’, which came down ‘is nose and got stuck. ‘E ‘ad to go to casualty eventually and ‘ave it removed! Anyway, the policeman just laughed along with Bill, or so ‘e says. Bill reckoned the policeman said ‘e didn’t look very intimidating and didn’t even give ‘im a warning.

“About a year after it all began, Charles ‘ired a mini digger which ‘e used to dig a trench. Then ‘e planted some big Leylandii trees to block out Bill’s view, must ‘ave cost ‘im a fortune. Bill, determined that Black wouldn’t get the better of ‘im that easily, snuck up to Charles’s ‘ouse in the dead of night and fixed cheese wire round the trunks. As the trees grew over the next few months, the wire dug in to the bark and they died.

“Well Black seems to have given up since then. I’d like to say he’s stopped interfering, but I don’t suppose for a minute ‘e ‘as. ‘E’s just accepted that he has an old boy in a tractor staring in at ‘im every day, but I’m sure ‘e’s on the lookout for someone else to badger.”

Lois jumped when an owl started hooting, directly above her head. Sicily laughed. “My, you are jumpy! That was just the clock. Different birdcall every hour, that’s six o’clock.”

“Gosh I’d better get going Sicily, I’ve got to drive back to London tonight.”

“Oh, ‘ere’s me Mum!”

Maureen struggled her way through the back door, with several bags of shopping dangling off each wrist. Sicily went to relieve her of half of them, simultaneously introducing Lois, who was desperately trying not to look too amazed. Maureen was a very attractive, glamorous looking fifty something. Smartly dressed, beautifully made-up, about as unlike Bill as possible.

“Oh, hi Lois, Sissy said she’d met you. How are you settling in?”

“Well, we’ve not properly moved in yet. We’re just having some work done. We move in officially a week Friday.”

“I’m sure you’re going to love it, it’s a great place, Harewood Park. It’s a shame not everyone appreciates what a fantastic area it is. Do you ride Lois?”

“I used to, as a child, but not very much since.”

“Well, once you’ve recovered from having the baby, which I’m sure won’t take you long, you’ll have to come and have a ride. Sis’ll find you something nice and quiet and you can get back into it again. What do you think?”

“Sounds great, that’s very kind.”

“Not kind at all, always on the lookout for free help exercising too many horses, that’s all, eh Sis?” Maureen winked at Sicily.

“Anyway Ma, Lois ‘as gotta rush.”

“Bye Lois, lovely to meet you!”

“And you Maureen. Bye!”

“I’ll take you to your car, it’s almost Boot’s dinner time.” said Sicily, grinning.

“I see what you mean about your Mum and Dad being very different from each other. Where did they meet?”

“Ballroom dancing.”

“You’re pulling my leg Sicily! I mean Maureen, yes, I can see that. But Bill, ballroom dancing, you’re having a laugh!”

“No, straigh’ up! They won loads of competitions.”

“Well, I’ve thought it more than once this week,” said Lois, shaking her head and smiling, “you should never judge a book by its cover!” Lois climbed carefully into the MG.

“I don’t.” said Sicily, as she shut the car door, tapped the roof twice and walked towards the yard. “See you soon Lois.”