The Widow and the Orphan (10 page)

The day before Gabe’s first chemo treatment started off all right with them having breakfast together, but things went downhill very quickly when his phone rang and he took a call from the office. Pepper tried not to listen to the heated exchange between Gabe and Aiden, but it was hard not to when his voice got louder and louder.

“I don’t give a shit if he doesn’t want to do it. You tell him I said that it’s now his responsibility. I’m not going to be able to do everything anymore.”

Gabe ended the call and threw the phone across the room, where it smashed against the wall and fell to the floor in a jumble of glass and plastic.

That was it. Pepper had had enough.

“Dude, really?” She got up from the table and went to the mess on the floor, picking up the pieces to throw away. She gingerly plucked the sim card out of the pile and set it aside.

“What?” Gabe snarled.

Stopping what she was doing, Pepper looked up at him. “Look, I get that you are having a rough time. You have every right to be angry and sad and whatever else you’re feeling. But throwing your phone isn’t going to solve anything or make it better.”

“And just what would you know about it?” Gabe demanded. He brushed past her to scatter the broken phone around with his foot. “Just leave it.” Then he stomped from the room and up the stairs.

Pepper sighed and redoubled her efforts to clean things up. She tossed it all into the trash and then hesitated before going up to the bedroom. It was time. She needed to get Gabe to get the rest of it out of his system so they could move on.

When she entered the bedroom, Gabe was standing at the window and staring out, his hands shoved deep in the pockets of his pants. His face was still tight with anger and she could see how tense he was by the way his hands clenched and unclenched in the folds of the fabric.

“Hun,” she said softly.

“Please, not now.”

“If not now, when?”

Pepper crossed the room to stand beside him. She wanted to touch him, take on some of his pain, but was afraid it might cause more harm than good. “I won’t pretend to understand what you’re going through. I just want you to tell me what’s going on in your head. Say it all. If you keep it inside, you’re just going to keep breaking more phones and that’s not you.”

Gabe quivered with rage. “I’m so angry!”

Pepper didn’t say anything, only nodded.

“I am furious!” he shouted. “Why is this happening?” He turned to her and, while his body still exuding fury, his face and eyes filled with fear. “What did I do to bring this on?”

“Nothing,” she said, shrugging her shoulders. “That’s the thing. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I feel persecuted.”

“Yep.”

“I don’t know what to
do
, Pepper. I don’t know what to do with all these feelings and emotions in my head. I want to punch people and throw things. I wish I could run through the streets screaming.”

Pepper wanted to say she got it, but her level of frustration and anger was nowhere near his. She wasn’t the one with the cancer. She wasn’t the one who would likely die. She stayed quiet and took whatever he had to give, hoping that he would feel unburdened even the tiniest bit.

“I have things to do. So much life to live. 

“So do them. Live it.”

Gabe stared at her with disgust. “How? How am I supposed to do that with a death sentence hanging over my head?”

Pepper hugged herself and shrugged. “I don’t know, Gabe. We’re all going to die. Don’t you think it makes me sick to think you might do it a hell of a lot sooner than you should? All we can do is make the most of the time we have left.”

Gabe paced around the room, running his hands through his hair and grunting. “The fact of the matter is,
darling
, you have many more years to do that. I’ve been thinking about this a lot and I think perhaps we should spend some time apart.”

Pepper was instantly struck with a bout of dizziness and she sank to her knees. “What? What the
fuck
did you just say?” Of all the abuse she was willing to take in order to help him feel better, the last thing she expected was that.

Gabe flinched, but did not back down. “I don’t see any reason why we should go forward with our lives together. What’s the sense in remaining together when we know what the ultimate outcome will be?”

Pepper puffed up with a white hot rage and jumped to her feet. She stalked over to him and had to twist her fingers together to keep from slapping him across the face.

“Do you think so little of me?” she demanded. “Do you really think that I would leave you?
Now
?” Oh, how she wanted to pummel the crap out of him. She knew he was scared and wasn’t thinking straight. She didn’t doubt for one second that he loved her and that all the words he was speaking were only out of a misguided attempt to save her from the pain to come. But how stupid could he
be
?

“I know you don’t want to. That’s why I’m trying to give you an out. I’m giving you permission to leave without any guilt or regret.”

That did it. Pepper couldn’t control herself. She put both of her hands on his chest and shoved with all of her strength.

“You are such an asshole!”

Gabe stumbled backward, but kept his footing. The surprised look on his face was precious and she savored it like a fine piece of chocolate.

“I am only going to say this once. You open those ears of yours and listen real hard. Got it?”

Gabe only nodded the smallest bit.

“You are
not
getting rid of me.
Ever
. I don’t care what you say or what you do. I am not leaving.”

“Pepper, I–”

“Shut the hell up!” she growled. “Before this shit, if you had ever laid a finger on me or cheated with another woman, I’d have been out of here in a hot second. Those are the only two things that could have seen the end of this relationship. But I’ll even give you a pass on those things now, because it’s quite clear you are not thinking straight.”

Pepper’s breath was coming hot and fast, like she’d just run a mile sprint. “Are you hearing me? I don’t give a
shit
what you say or do, I am never going to give up on you. I will take whatever you have to dish out. I will do whatever you ask or need me to do. But you will
never
tell me to leave again.”

Gabe’s entire body crumpled to the floor and he was on his knees just as she had been only minutes before. His shoulders shook with sobs and he covered his face with his hands. “I’m so sorry,” his shaky voice whispered.

Pepper sank down and wrapped her arms around him. “I love you, you dumbass. With the intensity of a million white hot suns. Nothing you do or say will ever stop that. You can die and I won’t ever stop loving you.”

Gabe gripped her and squeezed. Pepper had to keep from crying out because it actually hurt. But she would take the pain, physical or emotional, from him if that’s what he needed. For the first time in her life, Pepper Taylor understood what it meant to give all of herself to another human being without any thought for herself.

Gabe grabbed the sides of her head roughly, bringing his mouth onto hers. He was devouring her in desperation and she was not used to that, but the underlying love was there. It was always there. Returning his passion, she jerked at his clothing while he yanked at hers. He’d gotten his verbal release by shouting at her and now he needed more, a physical release only she could provide.

* * * * *

Gabe hugged Pepper to him tightly as they lay in bed. He was deeply ashamed of himself for his earlier behavior. The things he had said to her and done weighed heavily on his heart. He had waited a very long time in his life to find the right woman and now that he had her, he’d tried to throw her away. Gabe wasn’t sure how he would be able to reconcile such ugly behavior and forgive himself.

“Stop,” Pepper whispered.

“What, love?” Her voice surprised him. He thought she was asleep.

“Beating yourself up. I know you’re doing it. I can feel your shoulders tense every time you remember some stupid thing you said.”

She really did know him. Gabe wondered for the billionth time how he had gotten so fortunate to find Pepper.

“I’m sorry.” He was apologizing for the morning and for disturbing her peace in the moment.

“It’s done. I don’t want to talk about it, or think about it anymore.”

Gabe sighed and kissed the top of her head. That was easy for her to say, but he wouldn’t be able to get the sight of her devastation out of his mind for a long time. “I think I may engage a therapist.”

Pepper didn’t respond with words, she just snuggled closer to him.

“I think it might be wise for me to have someone unbiased on which to unleash my feelings and fury.”

Pepper kissed his chest. “If that’s what you want and need, I’m behind you, babe. As long as you communicate with me, you do whatever you need to do.”

“Would it bother you if it was a priest or man of God?”

He felt her breath catch and it took a long moment for her to let it out.

“No. It’s about whatever you feel you need, babe. It has nothing to do with me.”

Gabe closed his eyes and felt a little of his guilt fall away. He hadn’t been to church since he was a child, but as people in cancer situations were wont to do, he was thinking very much about God and Heaven and the afterlife. To have such unconditional support and love from Pepper was exactly what he was going to need in the coming weeks and months, whether he deserved it or not.

Pepper wrinkled her nose as she followed Gabe into the “chemo room.” No matter how hard they tried to make it bright and cheerful, it didn’t work as far as she was concerned. The yellow paint on the walls was dull and the too worn chairs lined up against the far end of the room only proved that they’d had too many butts in them for prolonged periods of time. And no matter how much disinfectant they used, the underlying smell of vomit and despair permeated the area.

“Mr. Seigal? I’m Nora. I’ll be your nurse today.”

A tall, slender black woman approached them with a kind smile and gentle eyes. Gabe reached out to shake her hand and then introduced Pepper. She led them to one of the semi-reclined, seventies-looking arm chairs and let him settle in before she began going over what he could expect to happen. Nora sat down beside him in the chair Pepper assumed would be for her, so she stood off to the side, listening and watching, loathing every single second of the experience. Hearing the possible side effects of the chemotherapy made her angry.
This is the best modern medicine can do
? The sour thought roiled around in her stomach, making her feel like she was the one who would be throwing up soon.

Slapping herself mentally, she was immediately contrite. This was about Gabe, not her. She could hate anything she wanted, but the outward face she would present had to be one of love and support, no matter what. Pepper wasn’t about to show Gabe anything less than her best, especially now that he needed her more than ever.

“All right, let’s get started then.” Nora stood up and touched Pepper on the arm. “Sorry I stole your seat. I’ll be back in a couple of minutes.”

“Okay.” Pepper sat and reached for Gabe’s hand. “You doing all right?”

Gabe shrugged. “As best as can be expected, I suppose.” He straightened up and then leaned close to her. “Place is a bit dreary, isn’t it?”

Pepper nodded and glanced around. “Yeah, I thought the same thing.”

“Well, your beautiful face will brighten things up.” He kissed her on the cheek, then rested back against the chair. Nora appeared seconds later with a bag containing a clear liquid labeled with a foot long word. In no time at all, she had inserted the needle into Gabe’s port, hung the bag of drugs, and departed to greet another arriving patient.

“That was pretty smooth, yeah?”

“So far, so good,” Pepper agreed.

Not knowing what else to say, they remained silent. Drip by drip, the poison in the bag flowed down the tube and into Gabe’s veins, seeking to destroy the poison in his body.

* * * * *

Driving home, Pepper kept looking over at Gabe, expecting something to be happening. Nora the nurse said that every patient reacted differently and there was no way of knowing ahead of time what side effects Gabe might experience.

“How do you feel?” she asked, not able to help herself.

“All right, I suppose.” Gabe shrugged his shoulders. “Please keep your eyes on the road, darling, and not on me.”

Pepper smirked, but turned her face forward. Too worried to be out in public in case he started puking his guts out, Gabe told Pepper he wanted to go straight home. They ate a light lunch and then spent the rest of the day trying to act normal, when neither one of them felt normal at all. Pepper tried to busy herself with laundry and housework so she wouldn’t sit and stare at Gabe. He spent the time in his office working and making telephone calls.

The suspense was enough to drive Pepper crazy. She didn’t want to hover over him, but she was worried every time she couldn’t check on him the second she felt the urge. If this was what life was going to be like from now on, Pepper didn’t know what the hell she was going to do to manage it.