The Widow and the Orphan (23 page)

“We have to tell him.”

“Don’t you think I know that?”

Pepper flinched. She had never heard Gabe sound so despondent. “I feel so bad for him,” she whispered, fighting tears, as she lay in his arms.

“It’s awful. The poor boy has been through hell already. It almost makes me wish he’d never found me.”

Pepper’s eyes overflowed, wetting his bare chest. She sniffed and tried to wipe them away. “The thought of him in foster care or staying with that horrible grandmother would have been worse.”

“How do I tell him, Pepper?” Gabe pushed her away so he could look into her face. “How do I tell my son that I’m dying?”

Pepper’s bottom lip trembled, but she blinked fast to keep more tears from escaping. “I don’t know, babe. I just don’t know.”

Gabe let out a soft moan. “I know I’m allowed to ask ‘why me’ but I honestly don’t give a whit about myself anymore. All I keep thinking is, why you? And why Gavin? Neither of you has done anything to deserve this kind of monstrous situation.”

Pepper sniffed again. “All of it’s a bitch. For all of us.”

“I’m so angry, darling.” Gabe’s voice wavered and she could tell he was close to breaking. “And I’m so tired.”

Pepper didn’t know what to say. What words could she possibly offer to a man who’d just received a death sentence? What did she know about this kind of struggle? All she could do was squeeze him tighter and try to give him the health and vitality she enjoyed, through no fault of her own. If she could have transferred her own pancreas into him and taken on his tumors, she would have.

“I love you, Gabe,” she whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

That was it for him. His shoulders began to quake and he clutched her close to his chest. Pepper could barely breathe, but would have gladly given up all her air so he could have some comfort. All she could do was hold him as he wept and repeat the only words she could think he would want to hear. “I love you, baby. I love you so much.”

* * * * *

In the middle of the night, Gabe stood at the bedroom window staring up at the moon. It was full and bright, casting shadows against his skin.

Please, God
, he prayed.
Please help me. I am so lost. It’s all happened so fast. I can’t understand anything
.

Gabe dropped to his knees and folded his hands in front of his chest like a child saying his prayers before bed.

I thought I had more time. I felt so good just a few weeks ago. Why does it have to move so quickly?

He could feel hot tears in his eyes and did nothing to stop them as they poured down his cheeks.

How can you do this to Gavin? How can you do this to Pepper? Why are you punishing them?

Still weak from his stay in the hospital, Gabe slumped to the side and lay on the thick, soft rug. The fibers tickled his cheek.

I don’t know what to do. If I have to die, I want to die right this minute. Please, just take me now.

Gabe let his mind wander away to all the things he would never get to do with Pepper or Gavin. It only made him weep harder. He stuffed a fist into his mouth to muffle the sounds, not wanting to wake Pepper.

Sometime later, he couldn’t gauge how much, Gabe opened his eyes. The moon had moved out of the frame of the window and was no longer shedding any light across the floor. Struggling to his knees, he crawled back to the bed and climbed in. Pepper let out a soft moan as he curled up beside her, but did not wake. For that, Gabe was thankful. There were sure to be many sleepless nights in their future.
Let her have this one. If there aren’t any more, at least just this one
.

Exhaustion seeped through him, along with the blood in his veins. Gabe took deep breaths, trying to calm his buzzing brain. He might wish he could change everything, but his natural pragmatism began to kick in. It told him that he needed to get a grip, to stop fighting the inevitable. Make the most of what time was left. Love his wife and son with all of his heart as long as it kept beating. When it did finally stop, they would be left with the knowledge and understanding that he had given them everything he had.

Gabe Googled and read and obsessed over it, but he couldn’t decide the best way to tell Gavin the truth. There was just no way to tell the boy that wouldn’t wound them both. He probably shouldn’t have worried about it as much as he did because the boy was no idiot. He knew very well that something was terribly wrong. He’d reverted back to the quiet, shy child he had been when he first arrived in their lives. He rarely smiled and spent most of his time with the tutor, playing in his room, or obeying directions without a word.

The physical pain Gabe felt was nothing compared to the emotional and mental agony that plagued him day and night. It didn’t matter that he’d made all his funeral arrangements and last will and testament. It meant nothing to him that he would leave both Pepper and Gavin well provided for. It was his presence that he knew both would miss and need, but there was nothing he could do to prevent his death.

In an attempt to avoid talking to Gavin, Gabe took on the project of going through all of the boxes and bins that were stored in the basement of the house. It was all of the memorabilia and keepsakes he’d dumped down there upon buying the place, thinking one day he would go through them. Well, now was the time. They were the only things he would be able to leave to Gavin that might explain his family heritage.

Pepper caught him down in the dim concrete space, sitting in a lawn chair, hunched over several open boxes. Pictures and papers were scattered everywhere as he thumbed through old plays he had written and textbooks he’d kept from college.

“Whatcha doin’?” she asked, handing him a bottle of water.

Gabe sighed and sat back in the chair, accepting the beverage and taking a long, deep drink. “Oh, just going through some old things. I want Gavin to know something about his history.”

Pepper nodded and crouched beside him, picking up a pile of photographs. “We should write down everything on the backs of these, so we know who the people are.”

“I suppose you’re right.”

Pepper looked at him and he turned his face away, worried that she would see just how tired he was and how much effort it was taking for him to sort through the mess. Come hell or high water, he was going to get through all of the boxes for Gavin.

“Babe, why don’t we take all this stuff upstairs? We can go through it together at the dining room table. It’s so dark and damp down here.”

Gabe opened his mouth to protest. He didn’t want her help, or anyone’s help. This was his project to complete. It was probably the last meaningful thing he would do in the very little time he had left. He was sick and tired of taking help from everyone and wanted to be responsible for finishing the task.

But he didn’t say that to her. She was pleading with him with her eyes to spend time with her and, in that instant, he realized that by helping, she would have a better understanding of him too. Until the diagnosis, they had lived a bit of a hedonistic lifestyle. They ate what they wanted, traveled where they wanted, spent as much money as they wanted, without any regard for anything worthwhile. Gabe knew he owed it to his wife to include her in everything he did from that point forward because they would be the only memories they could make.

“That’s a good idea.”

Pepper smiled at him and caressed his cheek as she stood up. “Let’s go upstairs. I can bring it up.”

“Help me put things back into the boxes.”

Together, they scooped up all the paper and pictures and tossed them back into the dozen or so boxes that surrounded him. They weren’t that heavy, so Gabe managed to pick one up and carry it himself, while Pepper snagged two and followed right behind.

* * * * *

“What are you guys doing?”

Gavin padded down the stairs in his sock feet, but stopped on the last one to look over the railing at them. Pepper looked up from a play she was reading and grinned.

“Going through some of your dad’s old things. Want to come see?”

Gavin hesitated for a second, but then hopped down to the ground floor and shuffled over to them. Gabe was sitting at the head of the table, with Pepper to his left. He reached over and pulled the chair to his right out, so the kid could sit down.

“Look at this picture, kiddo.” Pepper pushed a square toward him and he picked it up.

“Is this you?” Gavin asked, his eyes widening with surprise. It was Gabe in college with long hair and a full beard and mustache.

Gabe chuckled. “It sure is. That was when I was at university.”

Gavin began to laugh and point. “Your hair was like a hippie!” When he saw other pictures, he grabbed for them. “Do you think I’ll be able to grow a mustache like that some day?”

Gabe smiled at him with sad eyes. “I don’t see why not.”

Pepper got up from the table and went into the kitchen under the pretense of getting more water. She couldn’t bear to see that look on Gabe’s face. She needed time to fully fashion a game face and make sure it was secure. Gavin was full of all kinds of questions about his future, in general and with Gabe, and it was tearing her up inside to hear them. She felt like a tree being chopped down by a burly lumberjack. Gavin’s questions whacked at her heart like an axe against the trunk.

She gulped down some cold water and concentrated on the icy stream making its way down her throat to her stomach. When she felt she had sufficiently gathered herself together, she turned to look at her man and his boy. Gabe was doing a much better job of pretending everything was okay. He was laughing and telling stories about his youth, appearing to enjoy every minute of it. His eyes were bright with humor and his voice was full of joy.

“These were your grandparents. Richard and Emily.” Gabe handed over a picture of his parents. “They died long before you were born.”

“Were they from England too?” Gavin’s voice was filled with wonder.

“Yes. We can trace our ancestors back to the days of William the Conqueror.”

“Wow!” Gavin exclaimed, then sobered. “Who’s that?”

Gabe laughed and ruffled the boy’s hair. “I think we need to have a conversation with Natalie. She’s not teaching you near enough history.”

Pepper rejoined them at the table, but only to observe. She didn’t trust herself to speak much or else she might have lost it. But she didn’t want to miss a moment of the bonding that was going on between father and son. It was too important. Someday, when Gabe wasn’t there anymore, she would have to be the one to remind Gavin about it all.

“That’s my mom!”

That
got Pepper’s attention. She leaned in to stare at the photo in Gabe’s hand. The woman was very young and beautiful, with long, straight brown hair. It was a fairly close up picture of her and Gabe together and Pepper recognized the same brown eyes in the girl from Gladys the grandmother.
Wonder where his green eyes come from
? Pepper didn’t remember anything about genes and such from her high school science classes. Turning her attention back to the picture, Pepper scanned it for other details. Tanya, Gabe’s ex, had her arms wrapped around his neck while she sat on his lap. His hands were laced together around her waist, holding her securely in place. They were both smiling big and wide, and looked about as happy as any couple could. Pepper was surprised to feel a little jealous, but squashed it. That was a long time ago and he was her husband now. No need to feel threatened. Besides, Tanya was not going to be coming back into the picture.

“This was taken the summer your mother and I were in Scotland for a play I wrote that was being produced there.”

“Wow!” Gavin ran his finger over his mom’s face. “She sure was pretty.”

“Yes she was.” Gabe looked at Pepper out of the corner of his eye and mouthed the word “sorry” at her.

Pepper snickered. “She was
very
pretty, Gavin.”

Gavin’s smile faded away and was replaced by what could only be sadness. “I miss her.”

Neither Pepper nor Gabe said anything at first. Pepper figured it was her husband’s place to offer up something because of his prior relationship to Tanya. He knew her and Pepper didn’t. When he didn’t say anything and looked at a loss himself, Pepper stepped in.

“I bet you do. I’m so sorry that it happened.”

That seemed to be what Gavin needed, because he started talking then, the words tumbling out of his mouth like the cereal he poured into his bowl every morning. “I loved my mom. She was so much fun. Wherever we lived, she would always find the best parks around with the best slides and play stuff. She took me fishing once. And she liked to go to baseball games. Not the pros, but the kids teams that played.”

Pepper and Gabe listened with fascination as the boy ticked off more places he had gone and things he had done in his short, little life. His face lost some of its sadness as he conjured the memories, one after the other.

“It sounds like she was a pretty cool person.” Pepper grinned at him. “What about zoos? Did she take you to those?”

“Oh sure. But they always made her sad. She said it wasn’t right for all those animals to be cooped up in cages, even if the cages were big.”

Gavin went on for a while longer, talking about the different places he and Tanya lived. It was obvious that Gabe had questions by the way he tried to interrupt, but Gavin was on a roll. Pepper was astounded by the way he talked about his mom without as much sadness as she would have expected.
Maybe kids grieve differently
? The longer he regaled them, the happier he seemed to get.
Maybe he just needed to talk, or was finally
ready
to talk
.

In the end, none of her thoughts really mattered in that moment. The draw to watch father and son bond was much too strong. Pepper was content to sit and watch it grow and bloom like flowers in the garden out back.