The Widow and the Orphan (25 page)

Gabe rallied for a few days after their discussion of his final wishes. He chalked it up to the sex and Pepper laughed along with him at the joke. She didn’t care why it happened. They reveled in his moments of strength, making love twice more. They had a final meal out in a restaurant, just the two of them, even though Gabe barely touched his food. Will and Viv brought Jane over for what would probably be the final day they would all share together as the little family unit they had created. There were no tears in those few days, only laughter and joy. Lots of stories repeated for the benefit of Gavin and some special memories that would have to last the rest of their lives.

Father and son spent every moment they could together, even if Natalie the tutor was there. Gabe refused to interrupt the home-schooling, so dedicated was he to his son’s education. Pepper would have expected the kid to get a little bit bored with all the conversation and little physical action. Gabe could soak in the hot tub, but not play with Gavin anymore. They watched a lot of TV and played video games on the Xbox Gabe had insisted on getting. Gavin didn’t seem to care. It was like the attention he was getting from Gabe and Pepper was enough.

As the days went by, Gabe stopped eating altogether unless Pepper forced the issue. He was way too much of a gentleman to spit it out or knock the spoon out of her hand. Not to mention the fact that his strength had waned so much by then he probably couldn’t have raised a hand to block the utensil. Watching him lose weight made Pepper feel like she was dying inside as well. It was as if she could see the pounds jumping off his body.

Pepper knew the effort was pointless, but she heated some chicken broth anyway and carried it upstairs to the bedroom on a tray with crackers and a bottle of water. Entering the bedroom with soft steps in case he was sleeping, she could see he was in bed with all of the cats surrounding him. They rarely left the bed when he was in it now, unless they were hungry or needed to use the litterbox. Pepper didn’t know a lot about cats, but she figured they knew something was wrong with their male master and their presence would be a comfort to him. It was sweet and heart wrenching to see them wedged up against his back or feet or knees.

Setting the tray on the bench at the foot of the bed, she reached out to place a hand on his foot. “Babe?”

Gabe’s eyes were open and his mouth was moving, but the rest of his body was stone still. His eyes were blinking open and shut and a small moan escaped his lips.

“Gabe?” she cried, crawling on the bed to get closer to him. The cats scattered off the bed like pieces of confetti tossed in the air. Nothing but the moan again and Pepper didn’t hesitate. She pulled her phone out of her pocket and dialed 911.

“
Natalie
!” Pepper yelled. She came running up the stairs but stopped at the bedroom threshold.

“Oh no,” she whispered, her hand flying to cover her mouth.

“An ambulance is on the way. Can you just keep Gavin occupied? Take him to the backyard or if you want to leave, my keys are by the front door.”

“Okay.”

Natalie turned and disappeared back downstairs. Pepper was taken back in time to the last incident when the young girl had to whisk her student out of the house. She listened and heard as Natalie’s faint voice explained to Gavin that they were going to go to the park and look for bugs. Within minutes they were out the door and Pepper whooshed out the breath she had been holding.

Turning back to Gabe, Pepper leaned down and pressed a hard kiss to his temple. “I don’t know what’s wrong, baby, but help is on the way. Hold on for just a little bit longer, okay? I’m right here.”

Minutes later, two paramedics called out to her from the front door.

“Up here!” Pepper yelled. She heard their boots clomp heavily to the stairs and then up. When they entered the room, they politely asked her to move away so they could assess the patient.

While they took his vitals, Pepper answered every question they had, telling them about his cancer and what medications he was on. She could see the resigned looks on their faces, and the fact that they did not move at warp speed to get the gurney. They moved fast, but Pepper knew that there really wasn’t any rush. When Gabe was moved onto the gurney, she grabbed his hand before they could take him down the stairs. “Everything’s okay, my love. I’m right here.” Pepper leaned over and kissed his cheek, her tears leaving hot spots on his skin.

* * * * *

“How come he isn’t moving?”

Pepper’s voice caught in her throat, standing behind Gavin who gazed down at his father in the hospital bed.

“He had a stroke, lovey. Your dad’s in a coma and the doctors don’t think he’ll be coming out of it.”

Pepper watched the boy for a reaction, but there was none. Gavin continued to stare down at his father’s inert body. Minutes went by but she didn’t know what to do or say. Even if she had been a mother, she didn’t think she would have known what to say in a situation like this. Hell, she was still waiting for someone to explain it to
her
.

Pepper opened her mouth to offer up something to Gavin, but he sat down on the edge of the bed and took Gabe’s large hand between his two smaller ones.

“I’m sorry we didn’t get more time,” he whispered.

Pepper wanted to run screaming from the room. Her heart felt like it was being put through a meat grinder and she didn’t think she would be able to hold it together. She stayed because she knew it was the only thing she could do. Someone had to be strong for Gavin and the buck stopped with her.

“I know you only had a little while together, kid, but your dad loved you,” Pepper choked out. Her voice caught several times, and she had to swipe away the tears leaking down her face, but she got the words out. “He loved you
very
much.”

“I know.” Gavin turned to give Pepper a sad smile. “Do you really think he can hear me?”

Pepper no longer trusted her voice. She nodded with vigor, clutching a tissue to her lips.

Gavin scooted up closer so his mouth was next to Gabe’s ear. “I hope you don’t hurt anymore. I hope you go to Heaven and can tell my mom that I’m okay.”

Pepper choked back a sob and turned her back on them. She wouldn’t leave, but she couldn’t watch.

“I’ll see you again someday. But I hope you watch over me.”

The insides of Pepper’s cheeks were in shreds from biting on them so hard. The tangy, metallic taste of blood filled her mouth.

“I love you, Dad.”

* * * * *

Pepper’s head bobbed forward and then right back up as she fought the exhaustion in her soul. Gabe’s breath came loud and rattly from the hospital bed. His emaciated body was covered with a soft fluffy blanket knitted by the ladies auxiliary at the hospital. He barely made a lump beneath it.

Pepper stared at her husband’s gaunt face and ashen skin, too tired to muster anything but a weak sigh. She no longer shook an angry fist at God or the universe or whatever. Her conversation with the pastor in the chapel that day came back to her and she finally accepted the fact that death was just a part of life. It didn’t mean she had to like it. And she certainly wasn’t ever going to be at peace with the way the forces had decided to take Gabe. But she was through fighting it. All she wanted was to make sure her love’s departure was as peaceful as possible.

“I love you,” she whispered, as she reached for Gabe’s hand. “I’d do anything to switch places with you.”

When the paramedics brought him to the hospital, she was told he had suffered a stroke. Her first instinct was to beg him to fight. Remembering how she had pleaded with him not to go filled her with shame. She had no right to ask him to keep fighting the battle he would definitely lose. How much strength could he possibly have left? She wished she could take it all back and have him die that day, in the ER, so his suffering could be over.

Instead, he was in this room and bed, in a coma, suffering from organ failure. His body was shutting down, but taking its time about doing so. She sat with him through the tremors and the thrashing. She’d watched the nurses come and go with the medications to try and keep him comfortable as all of his body’s systems quit working. She’d apologized over and over for putting him in this position to begin with. If it hadn’t been for her, he might have moved on days ago.

Pepper had held onto a tiny sliver of hope that it was just one more medical emergency that would pass and Gabe would open his eyes and smile at her. She begged and prayed and promised anything and anyone that she would do anything to feel his arms around her again one more time. She wanted a last kiss, a last word,
something
on which things would end that could possibly give her some comfort.

But it didn’t happen. She would never hear his voice again. There wouldn’t be any more hugs or kisses or returned signs of affection. When the denial finally fell away from her brain, Pepper let go and settled in with the black depression that replaced it. It was done. The body in the bed wasn’t Gabe anymore, just a shell that was breaking down and would soon be gone. She decided she would keep talking to him, saying loving things and giving all she had until he finally let go, no matter how many pieces her shattered heart was in.

Stroking his fingers, she kept trying to offer him some comfort as well as to keep herself awake. She’d be damned if she slept through his final moments. Everyone kept telling her to go home, get some rest. She wouldn’t be doing herself any good by collapsing from exhaustion. But short of an earthquake, tsunami, monsoon and volcano erupting simultaneously, Pepper was planted in her chair like cement set for the footings of a skyscraper.

“Try not to worry about Gavin. He’s at Viv’s. It’s a beautiful day so they’re all in the pool. Viv said she might come by later to say hi. Will too. They both love you so much. Almost as much as me.”

Pepper pulled herself up out of the chair and settled beside him on the bed. She brushed his hair away from his forehead, murmuring soothing words against his cheek.

“Gabe,” she said softly, after kissing him gently on the lips. “Honey, let go. It’s all right. Please don’t hang on for me.” She kissed him again and nuzzled his cheek. “I’ll be okay,” she lied. “We’ll miss you, but we’ll all be okay.”

Pepper had no idea if what she was saying was true, but she knew she had to tell him anyway. As much as she didn’t want him to die, his suffering was almost too much to bear. Pepper wished and prayed and begged for some sign that Gabe heard her or would respond, but there was nothing. Only the continued beep of monitors and the tiny, weakening sound of his breathing.

Biting back her tears and struggling to keep her voice even and calm, Pepper repeated her mantra. “Just let go, darling. Let go. You don’t need to do this. Please, just please float away.”

The rise and fall of his chest became less pronounced.

As the air left his lungs, the bright April sunshine filled the space with warm yellow rays. The temperature seemed to go up in the private hospital room, but it did nothing to beat back the chill settling in Pepper’s heart as Gabe took a final breath and died in her arms.

Pepper lay in bed staring at the ceiling. The California King bed felt way too big now that Gabe no longer shared it with her. There were seven month old kittens snuggled with her, but they were no match for the weight and feel of her husband’s body.

Tears leaked out of her eyes and soaked the pillowcases. The funeral was tomorrow, or actually in just a few hours, and she had absolutely no idea how she was going to get through it. If it hadn’t been for Gavin, Pepper probably would have just said “fuck it” to the whole thing, crawled into bed and not come out for the rest of her own life. But she had responsibilities now. Gabe had asked to have a funeral for his son’s sake, so he could say a proper goodbye. Pepper hadn’t quite understood the whole point, not having been raised in a church-and-funeral kind of lifestyle, but she knew it was important to Gabe. She would honor any wish he had, even if it meant that she would feel like throwing up or jumping off a building the whole time. It was the least she could do to pay homage to the only man who had ever truly loved her.

And there was always going to be another human being in her life to consider. Gavin needed her to be the adult and take care of him. She didn’t need a promise to Gabe to motivate her to do it. She was already in love with the kid and she’d walk over ground glass and hot coals to make sure he got what he needed.

That didn’t stop her from not wanting to get out of bed, though. The old Pepper’s voice was still strong in her head, bitching and moaning and thinking only about herself and her needs. The new voice thought only of Gavin and what a child who’d lost both his parents in short order would need.

Pepper glanced at the clock on the bedside table. It was already 4:12 a.m. It was
only
4:12 a.m. Too early to get up and start wandering around the big, empty house, preparing for the hellaciously long and depressing day. Too late to take a sleeping pill and force her body to rest.

* * * * *

Pepper stared at the hundreds of flower arrangements filling up the room at the funeral home. One after the other, delivery men carried them in, placing them in any spare space they could find. When would it stop? Pretty soon there wouldn’t be any room for the few people who were attending Gabe’s funeral.

In spite of his wishes that it not be a public spectacle, it had obviously hit the newspapers and an outpouring of support flowed in from every person Gabe had ever worked with or known in the industry, hence all the flower deliveries. Aiden had fielded most of the calls through the office, saying there would be no public service and that donations to cancer research could be made in his name. Still, there had been some people who were able to get Pepper’s number and she had ignored them all, letting messages pile up in her voicemail. She had no desire to answer calls from numbers she did not recognize.

Pepper went out to the main area of the funeral home and looked around. Vivienne walked up and wrapped her arms around her best friend’s neck. Pepper reveled in the strength of the embrace and sighed. “You know this fucking sucks, right?”

“Oh, you bet I know.” Vivienne’s eyes shined with tears. “What can I do? What do you need?”

“Pffft, my husband back,” Pepper muttered. She looked down at the plain, simple black sheath dress she wore. “Do I look okay?” She wore no makeup and her usually bouncy blonde hair was pulled back into a low pony tail.

“You look fine.” Viv nodded her head with approval. “On the outside, at least. Have you eaten anything today?”

“No.”

“Then let’s try that.”

Viv led Pepper to the room where a spread of food had been laid out. Bagels and muffins, some assorted juices, coffee and tea waited there to be consumed by the people coming to mourn the loss of their friend or loved one. It was there for the other funerals being held that morning as well, so it wasn’t just for Gabe’s people.

“Why does this seem so weird to me?” Pepper asked, as she looked at the food. None of it appealed to her. She didn’t think she’d ever be hungry again after having watched her husband slowly die over the course of several weeks.

“Because no one wants to eat when they’re grieving. I know this from experience.” Vivienne grabbed a plate and put a simple, blueberry muffin on it. Then she put it into Pepper’s hands. “I also know from experience that you have to eat, otherwise you’ll collapse. Someone very close to me made me eat Chinese food when my mother died and, if she hadn’t been there for me, I don’t know what I would have done.”

Pepper smiled sadly, remembering how she had come to Viv’s rescue in her time of grief. Now her friend was struggling to be that same pillar of support for her.
One good turn deserves another
, Pepper thought morosely as she stared at the muffin.

“Come on. Let’s sit down.” Vivienne filled two mugs with coffee and cream, then walked Pepper to one of the little tables against the wall. They sat and sipped, but Pepper hadn’t touched the food. “Please, hun, take a few bites. Just a few.”

“Fine.”

Pepper picked up the muffin and held it to her lips. She nibbled on it for a second and was surprised that it tasted good. The sugary, sweetness exploded in her mouth and her appetite shone like a flare at the scene of a roadside accident. Within a couple of minutes, she had devoured the entire thing. Wiping her lips with a napkin, she crumpled it in her hands.

“Don’t feel guilty just because you were hungry,” Viv said softly. “There’s no shame in needing to take care of yourself, you know.”

“I know.”

They sat quietly, drinking their coffee, waiting for whatever would happen next. Gavin would be coming soon, along with Will. As she waited for the boy to arrive, she worried about the future.

“When this part is over, what the hell am I supposed to do?” she asked Viv.

Vivienne shook her head sadly. “I don’t know, Pep. You just take it one minute at a time, until they pile up into hours. And then days. It’s all you can do.”

“That’s not super helpful.”

“Yeah, well, it’s what you told me.” Viv gave her a small grin and Pepper surprised herself by returning the gesture.

“You’re right. How happy you must be to throw all my wise words back into my face.” She winked at Viv and then chuckled.

“I’d much rather be able to throw other stuff at you.” Viv demonstrated by chucking her napkin at Pepper.

Pepper reached across the table and Vivienne met her halfway. Their hands clasped and she was never more grateful for her best friend than in that moment.

* * * * *

Pepper and Vivienne finished their coffee and found their way back to the private room where Gabe’s urn was perched on a pedestal. The number of flower arrangements seemed to have doubled, if that was even possible and Pepper sighed. “Viv, what we going to do with all these flowers?”

“Donate them.” Viv walked next to a row of arrangements and peered at the cards of sympathy. “Geeze, every actor he ever worked with seems to have sent something.”

“I’m not surprised,” Pepper sniffed. “Who
didn’t
love Gabe? I mean, really?”

“True.”

“I asked people to make donations in lieu of flowers. Why do they still send these things?” The smell of roses, lilies and carnations was cloying, filling the room so that nothing else could be inhaled.

“It’s just what people do.” Viv shrugged and offered her a sympathetic smile. “I notice a lot of these say they made donations, too, so there is that.” Linking her arm with Pepper’s, she led her to the sofa near the front of the room.

Pepper pointed to the easel next to the urn that was covered in photographs of Gabe. Many of them were in the last couple of years with her in them. But she had included a lot from his childhood and London years as well. There were quite a few of Gavin with his dad in the last few weeks, too. They were laughing and smiling, enjoying things that fathers and sons often did: a baseball game, swimming, and numerous trips to the beach.

“I’m glad there isn’t a coffin,” Vivienne whispered, a guilty look on her face. “I remember my dad’s funeral and I hated how on display he looked.”

Pepper eyes widened as she looked at her friend. “You never told me that.”

“Well, it’s not something you say out loud. I know my mom didn’t do it because she wanted people to stare or anything. It’s just the protocol. Funerals are for the people left behind, not the deceased. It’s just my opinion. I don’t think it’s necessary.”

“So you think I did okay with the pictures, then?”

“Yes.” Vivienne nodded and pointed to some of the photographs. “I know picture boards are kind of a new thing. I can’t remember ever seeing one at any of the funerals I went to as a kid. I think it’s a much better idea to think about the person you’ve lost at their very best, not their worst.”

Pepper was glad she had her best friend’s support. There wasn’t really anyone else left to give her that kind of boost, now that Gabe was gone. Not knowing if she was doing the right thing at all made Pepper want to climb into a hole and not come out. Viv’s words of encouragement kept her from doing that.

“Are you okay?” Viv asked.

Pepper rubbed her stomach with her hands and grimaced. “My stomach. The muffin must not have agreed with me.” It was really more than that. She actually felt like she was going to barf any second, but was too afraid to say anything more. Instead, Pepper strode out of the room and down the hall toward the ladies room so she could rid her upset stomach of the coffee and muffin she’d just had.

* * * * *

Pepper barely heard a word that was said when the minister arrived at the podium. Some opening remarks, a couple of prayers, a little bit about Gabe’s life. In all honesty, she was trying to block out as much as she could. She was only doing this for Gavin and because Gabe had insisted.

When it was finally over and the minister closed out the funeral with a simple prayer, Pepper sighed, knowing the day was far from finished. She figured there would be some sort of morbid receiving line to get through, as the couple dozen people in attendance, besides Will and Viv, would want to shake hands and offer their condolences to her directly. And then there would be the brutal, never ending luncheon at whatever restaurant Aiden had booked. Pepper couldn’t even remember which one, so deep was her grief. Why had she even agreed to that?

Pepper lifted a hand to rub her tired eyes, glad that she wasn’t wearing any makeup to destroy. Her head drooped down and her body felt like it weighed a thousand pounds. She wondered where she would find the strength to get up. As she placed a hand on either side of her body to push off the couch, she felt a warm hand on her shoulder pressing her back down. Fighting the weariness, she lifted her head to see Gavin standing next to her.

“It’s okay, Pepper. You can sit. The people come to you.”

Her eyes filled with new tears. Of course Gavin would know the protocol. Hadn’t he just been through this for his mother? She grabbed him into her arms and hugged him, a wave of protectiveness washing over her she didn’t recognize. The closest thing she’d ever felt was the love she had for Vivienne. But this was stronger, more ferocious. “Oh Gavin, I’m so sorry.” His little body shuddered and as the wetness spread against her neck, she could feel the first tears he openly cried since finding out that his father was dying.

“Please don’t leave me,” he snuffled as he squeezed her back.

“Never,” she vowed.

Pepper knew damn well that nothing in life was for certain, but she swore she would do every single thing in her power to keep that promise.

* * * * *

Pepper slumped on the side of the bed, staring at the urn sitting on the top of the dresser across the room. She had a crazy urge to talk to it, but stifled it. Gavin was in his room and she didn’t want him to think she was crazy. Besides, it wasn’t really Gabe in there. Only the remnants of his body.

Pulling herself up, she shuffled over to the door. “Gavin?”

“Yeah?” His voice was low.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m going to take a shower. I’ll be out in a few minutes.”

“Okay.”

Pepper closed her bedroom door and went slowly toward the bathroom. Once inside, she closed that door too just in case Gavin decided to come in search of her. She stripped off her funeral garb and left it in a sad heap on the floor.

She turned on the water in the shower and let it run for a few minutes until it was as hot as she could stand it, then stepped inside. The drops splattering against her skin felt like the little sparks that struck your hands when holding a sparkler on the Fourth of July. Then she increased the temperature even more, trying to make her physical pain more uncomfortable than her emotional anguish.

Salty tears streamed down Pepper’s cheeks and she muffled her sobs by pressing her hands against her mouth. In less than three months, she had become a wife and a widow and surrogate mother to her dead husband’s son. She cried until the water turned cold, leaving her a shivering and emotionally barren mess.