The Widow and the Orphan (30 page)

Ultimately, Pepper was glad that she was forced to stay in the hospital for the night. She managed to convince Vivienne to leave with Will and to call in the morning. If she was going to rest, then she needed them to go home. More than anything else, she needed to think.

Once she was transferred to her room, Pepper did her best to calm down and try to sort out her feelings. Pregnant. Fucking
pregnant
. She was forty-two years old, for the love of Pete. She’d be forty-
three
by the time the baby was born. And her husband was dead.

Lying quietly in her bed, she listened to all the sounds around her. Machines beeping, voices at the nurses station, which was only a couple of doors down, telephones ringing and call buttons ding-donging. It all reminded her of Gabe’s numerous stays and grief bubbled up inside her like vomit. She regurgitated it by sobbing into her pillow.

Here she thought the only man who ever really loved her dying was the cruelest joke the universe could play. Yet, there it was, pulling another rabbit out of its hat. A tiny logical voice said that maybe it wasn’t a joke, maybe it was meant to be a piece of her and Gabe to live on, but Pepper wasn’t ready to think about that. All she could feel in that moment was the wretched ache of her loss.

* * * * *

“Are you hungry?”

A nurse stood at the foot of the bed with a food tray in her hands. Before Pepper could refuse it, the nurse put it on the table and rolled it up to almost her chin.

“I’m not.”

“Well, you have to try to eat something. Get your strength back.” The nurse’s badge said her name was Pam.

“Well, Pam,” Pepper said through half clenched teeth, “I’m really not hungry.”

Pam smirked and put her hands on her hips. “I understand. I’ll just leave this here in case you change your mind.” Then she ambled out of the room, closing the door behind her.

Pepper’s first instinct was to throw the tray across the room, but she knew that was the last thing that would get her released from her temporary prison any sooner, so she controlled the urge. She grabbed her phone from the bedside table and swiped at it to reveal the time. It was after six o’clock. Vivienne had brought her in about ten that morning and it had taken a couple of hours to get her into the room. Then she’d cried for most of the afternoon, finally falling asleep. The sound of dinner service in the other rooms had woken her up.

The smell of whatever was under the covered dishes began to fill the room and Pepper grimaced when her traitorous stomach rumbled. She tried to ignore it for a few more minutes, but then started to get that sick feeling you get when you haven’t eaten in a long time. Admitting defeat, she peeked under the large, round dish’s cover to find some kind of mystery meat covered in a gelatinous gravy. She wrinkled her nose. It didn’t look that good, but the smell was actually not bad. Soon, she had her fork in hand and was devouring the entire plateful. She moved on to the salad, which consisted of a few pieces of lettuce and a small cherry tomato. Then she drank the entire carton of milk, wishing she had coffee instead.

When she was finished, Pepper pushed the tray away and lay back, ashamed that she’d given Pam shit about eating.
I’m such a hypocrite
.

Pepper stared at the ceiling, feeling a little more human now that she had food in her stomach. She still felt in shock, much like when they found out Gabe had cancer. It was all too surreal. She reached down and rubbed her hands across her stomach through the hospital gown. She couldn’t tell if the slight bulge she felt was baby or just the pounds she’d been putting on since she tried to put her grief aside and get herself together for Gavin. She’d lost so much weight in those first weeks after Gabe was gone that when her appetite returned, she ate like a pig. Not to mention all the desserts and ice cream she was now keeping in the house because Gavin liked dessert after
every
meal.

Pepper shimmied around in the bed so she could pull the gown up and over her stomach. She twisted and turned her head to try and see it from all angles, but the view just wasn’t good.

God, how she wanted Gabe in that moment. He would have been happy as hell to find her pregnant. Just discovering that he had a son had shown her what a tremendous father he made. Would have made for this baby. Having him with her would have made the whole prospect much less scary and confusing. If he were here, now, she could wrap her mind around the whole concept. But without him, pregnancy seemed like a burden. Utter misfortune. Total disaster.

It didn’t matter that she had money or that she could afford to hire as much help as she wanted. It made no difference that she could whip out her Amex and pay for anything a baby needed or wanted for the rest of its life. The emotional and mental task was what daunted her. In the end, the responsibility of carrying it, bearing it, and being its mother fell squarely on her shoulders. Pepper just didn’t know if she was up to the task all by herself. Without having any way of knowing if she could make all the right decisions alone for the next umpteen years, she didn’t think it was fair to bring the baby into the world.

Oh, she knew she probably owed it to Gabe to have his child. It would be a living reminder of their union. Sure, there was Gavin, but this baby was
hers
and Gabe’s. The responsibility of bringing a second piece of him back to life was heavy on her shoulders. But Pepper knew herself. Gavin was a big enough obligation. Could she possibly take on more?

She guessed she could have the baby and choose adoption, but somehow that seemed so unfair and disloyal to Gabe and his memory. The shame of not taking the responsibility on herself would be more than she could bear.

Grabbing her phone, she opened up a web browser and started googling about abortion. She wanted to know for sure how long she had to make the most important decision of her life.

Pepper sighed as Will wheeled her out of her room and down the hall to the elevator. The good news was, she was getting out of the hospital. The bad news was that she would be confined to her home for the next week. Not exactly strict bedrest, but no driving and moving around as little as possible while her innards closed ranks around the fetus.

Vivienne walked beside her and was damn near vibrating, she was so excited. She couldn’t wait to get Pepper home and talk about the baby and all the things that went along with pregnancy, childbirth, and all that other happy horseshit. She definitely wasn’t looking forward to it, if she was totally honest. Just because her best friend had drunk the pregnancy Kool-Aid, didn’t mean Pepper was ready for a cup of the stuff herself. Thirty-six hours she’d spent in the hospital doing nothing but thinking about her situation and she still didn’t know what the hell to do.

“But don’t worry about a thing,” Vivienne was saying. “You can just sit on the couch and tell us where to put everything.”

“I’m sorry, what?” Pepper looked up at her as they got on the elevator and headed to the main floor.

Vivienne’s exaggerated sigh was all in fun. “I was saying that Will and I can help you get the house settled. You aren’t supposed to move, and I know how you are. One look at all the boxes sitting around and you won’t be able to control yourself.”

“That’s true.”

“And Gavin will help. He’s excited to actually sleep in his room. Last night was excruciating for him.”

Pepper flinched. “Yeah, I’m sorry about that. Thanks for keeping him. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

Vivienne clucked her tongue as they exited and proceeded to the hospital entrance. “Nonsense! We loved having him. Gavin’s the sweetest little boy. And he was so good with Jane. He will be a huge help to you.”

Pepper wondered what her best friend would think when she told her about considering having an abortion. Brother, she wasn’t looking forward to that conversation. The disappointment on Viv’s face would probably make Pepper want to jump off a cliff.

“Yeah, let’s just get outta here,” she grumbled.

* * * * *

Pepper sat on the couch and watched her friends work like dogs to get all her things put away. Viv was right, Gavin was a little trooper. He helped by getting his room organized and then he spent time keeping her company. She was grateful for his distraction and it kept her from obsessing over her situation, as least for a little while.

Once, when Pepper tried to get up to go to the bathroom, his little eyes opened wide and his mouth made the cutest little “o.”

“What are you doing?” He put his hand on her foot to keep her still.

“I need to go to the bathroom.”

“Oh. But the doctor said you aren’t supposed to move.”

“Well, I gotta pee.” Pepper smirked at him. “And the couch is new, so unless you want me to have an accident, I think you need to let me up.”

“Oh. Okay.”

Vivienne tried to come and take her arm, but Pepper shook her off. “Come on, man. I’m pregnant, not an invalid.”

Viv grinned and backed off, holding her hands up. “All right. Sorry.”

When Pepper came back from the bathroom, Will and Gavin were gone and Vivienne was sitting on the couch.

“Where are the boys?”

“I sent them away.”

Pepper frowned, then settled in the opposite corner of the new couch. “Why?”

“Because I think we need to have a talk.” Vivienne picked at a loose thread on one of the throw pillows, but then turned her I-mean-business face to her.

“Oh yeah?”
Shit
.
Am I ready to do this now
?

“Yes.” Vivienne laced her fingers together around the pillow so she could hug it. “I’m not an idiot. I know you aren’t exactly happy about this pregnancy.”

Pepper sighed and rested her head in her hand, letting her elbow support the weight. Why on Earth would her best friend be bringing this up now, when she’d only been out of the hospital for a few hours?
Because she knows what you’re going to do and she’s going to try and talk you out of it, stupid
.

“Nope, you’re right. I’m not.” Pepper didn’t mean for her voice to be that harsh, but this was something Vivienne could not relate to. Sure, she’d lost a husband. Yes, both of her parents died. But she hadn’t lost her husband and been pregnant with his child. Or in her forties at the same time. Pepper felt like she had a right to wallow a little bit in her misery.

“I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through.” Viv locked eyes with her and Pepper could see all the love and sympathy there.

“Thanks,” Pepper sniffed, biting her lip to keep from tearing up.

“What I need for you to know, right now, in this moment, is that I support you. No matter what you decide, I will always be right beside you.”

Pepper took that inside and tossed it around like a tennis ball. It certainly wasn’t what she thought Vivienne would say. Then again, Pepper hadn’t admitted out loud what she was thinking about doing.

“Even if I have an abortion?”

The word made Viv flinch the tiniest bit and Pepper felt bad. She didn’t want to hurt her best friend’s feelings, but it was the truth. She was definitely considering ending the pregnancy.

After a while, Viv nodded. “Yes. Even if you have an abortion, I will always love you and be your best friend. That will never,
ever
change.”

Pepper let out the breath she didn’t realize she was holding. “I appreciate that. I don’t know how I’ll live with myself if I do it, but I know I wouldn’t be able to if you shunned me.”

Vivienne shook her head and rolled her eyes. She rose and then sat down next to Pepper so they could hug. “You can be such a dumbass. I couldn’t shun you. From the time you scared off the boys who were bullying me in first grade to introducing me to Will, I owe you my whole life.”

Pepper said nothing and laid her head on Viv’s shoulder, weary with all of the decisions she faced.

“I won’t lie, though,” Viv whispered. “I hope you change your mind. I really do. But I’ll never blame you if you don’t.”

That did it. Pepper’s shoulder began to shake as the fear and confusion poured out of her in the form of her tears. She clung to Vivienne and cried.

* * * * *

Pepper slid out of bed and put her feet on the cool, wood floor. The sun was just beginning to rise and her new bedroom was filled with a soft, orange glow. She was glad she had repositioned her bed against the north wall so the rays wouldn’t smack her in the face every morning, but it was still nice to see the other side of the room begin to grow light.

Putting on a robe, she moved slowly out of the room, down the hall and out to the kitchen. Viv had been sweet enough to make sure the coffee maker was all set up. The doctor had said she could have one regular cup a day, but only decaf if she wanted more.
Ugh, decaf
. She wasn’t too thrilled with that. Her best friend had taken it upon herself to remove
all
the caffeinated java from the kitchen so Pepper wouldn’t be tempted to cheat. Shaking her head, she hit the brew button and then sat on one of the bar stools at the island to wait for it.

Could she really do it; have an abortion? Okay, so if she was really honest with herself, yes, she could. She might have learned a lot about respecting peoples’ boundaries and considering other peoples’ needs first, but she was still Pepper Taylor and Pepper Taylor was selfish. So, yes, abortion was on the table. She wouldn’t deny that.

Filling a cup and sloshing in some cream, Pepper took her coffee out to the back patio. The sun had already warmed the furniture and she curled up in the corner of the L-shaped sectional. She wondered why it was so easy for her to turn back into her old self. After all the hard lessons learned and the battles, some won some lost, why was she now so willing to forget all those things? Pepper looked down at her stomach, which was no longer flat for more reasons than just extra junk food, and put her hand on it. She wasn’t silly enough to think she’d feel any movement there. It was too soon. But it was clear, in the little rise of the skin, that there was something going on. She
still
didn’t know for sure if what she was contemplating was murder in the true sense of the word, but she did know there was precious little time to make the decision.

Twelve weeks along. Maybe more. If she was going to end the pregnancy, she had to do it fast. There wasn’t going to be a ton of time to think things over. But she didn’t feel right making a rash decision without considering all the possibilities. What was her main objection? Why was it that she didn’t want to have the baby to begin with? Sighing, Pepper knew the truth. The baby would just be a reminder of what she didn’t have anymore.

Rolling her eyes, she knew what Viv would tell her. Yes, of course, Gavin was already a living embodiment of Gabe, but this baby would be the icing on the cake. Babies were rainbows and ponies and joy. But Viv had her husband. Jane wasn’t going to grow up without her father. If Pepper chose to keep her baby, it was going to grow up never knowing its father and what an awesome guy he was.

Did she really want to spend the rest of her life hoping she could raise a kid alone all while trying to explain how great its dad was? Could she ever make that clear enough? Would she truly give a baby every single thing it needed emotionally and mentally while all Pepper could be thinking of was what she
wasn’t
giving it?

The answer was there and she couldn’t avoid it. It wasn’t fair for her to have this baby. Her shortcomings were far too plentiful and it would end up doing more damage than good to have it. For all the reasons to honor Gabe and keep as much of him alive as possible through another chil
d,
there were just as many reasons to not have the baby. Pepper thought maybe, just maybe, she wasn’t being selfish after all. Having an abortion would prevent bringing a baby into the world who would never have a father and suffer at her inept hands for the rest of its life.

Tears were streaming down her cheeks, but Pepper hardly noticed them. Even though her eyes were wide open, she was back at the Stafford Inn on her wedding day, saying her vows to Gabe. Then she was back at the restaurant the night Gabe proposed. Then she zoomed even farther back to the night they met. All of the memories were pouring into her brain and flooding it with love and happiness, in spite of the fact that he was no longer there to share them with her. It was Gavin’s voice that startled her back to reality.

“Pepper?”

Turning to look, she saw him standing in the doorway to the patio. His dinosaur pajamas were buttoned wrong, and one leg was scrunched up at the knee. His hair was sticking up in a bunch of different places and he yawned while trying to wipe the sleep from his eyes.

“Yeah, kid. I’m here.” She hastily brushed her face dry before turning to face him full on.

“Whatcha doin’?” he asked as he came over to sit beside her.

“Just thinking. What are you doing up so early?”

He shrugged and leaned his head on the back of the couch. “I don’t know. Finished sleeping, I guess.”

Pepper smiled at him and then leaned over to ruffle his hair, trying to mash down one of the many cowlicks.
He’s enough
, she thought.
I don’t need anything else. This is Gabe’s contribution.
Feeling confident that she’d finally reached her decision and was at peace with it, Pepper sighed and finished the rest of her coffee, which had grown cold with time. She was about to ask him what he wanted for breakfast, but he interrupted her with a small, innocent smile.

“Pepper?”

“Yeah?”

He leaned toward her and she put an arm around his shoulders. “I’m glad you’re having a baby. I always wanted a little brother or sister.”

Her heart and breath caught in her throat. Sniffling, she wiped her nose on the sleeve of her robe. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, I think maybe I should call you Mom, too. I don’t want the baby to get confused.”

Pepper tried to keep her voice from trembling, but could do nothing about the fresh tears streaking her cheeks. “All right, kiddo. Whatever you think is best.”

Just like that, Pepper’s mind was changed and her heart burst into a million little pieces.