The World's Awesomest Air-Barf (4 page)

My mum thinks it looks like a disease.

My dad thinks that if he joins up all the dots, he could make a picture of England’s winning goal in the 1966 World Cup Final.

Have I broken the freckles record?

Best wishes

Danny Baker

PS While I’m here in Marisco, I have to dress up as a budgie called El Periquito, climb a tall tree, whistle a special tune and catch
caterpillars in a bucket. I’m not sure why, but I’m going to have a go! I’ll see if I can whistle for longer and catch more caterpillars than anyone else has ever done.

Dear Danny,

Thanks for your letter. Sally Butterworth sounds an interesting girl.

Your attempt to break the world record for Freckles on a Single Face was superb, and was only 453 freckles short. Another day or two might have
given you the extra needed. But don’t be cross with your mum – she was doing the right thing using suncream on you. Better safe than sorry!

You asked about the world record for squinting. That is held by Vinay Adatia, of Mysore, in India. Unfortunately, Vinay wasn’t
trying
to break the record. When he was ten years old, a mosquito landed on the end of his nose. Young Vinay screwed up his face, and squinted to look at it. At that very moment, the wind
changed direction, and Vinay got stuck like that.

He stayed stuck like that for the next fifteen years, four months and nineteen days.

Of course, the wind changed again many, many times during those years, but Vinay’s squint was so well and truly jammed, it wouldn’t
budge.

Eventually, Vinay got a job looking after Radha, the sacred elephant, at the Hindu shrine near Dooda Bellalu. One morning, he was washing
Radha’s hind parts with a scrubbing brush, when the elephant broke wind so hard and with such a horrible pong, that not only did it blow Vinay’s hat off, it blew his squint off too! He
is now a famous Bollywood film star.

The record for Non Wind–assisted Squinting is five days, sixteen hours and thirty–one minutes, held by Franz Überburger, of
Wörgl, Austria. His attempt came to an end when he fell asleep from exhaustion, and his eyes returned to their normal position.

If you are going to attempt the squinting record, Danny, be like Franz Überburger, and make sure you try it out of the wind, and away from
sacred elephants. Getting stuck with a squint would definitely affect your goalkeeping!

Best wishes

Eric Bibby

Keeper of the Records

Danny and Sally sat on the low wall that enclosed the garden of the Hotel La Langosta. Nearby, Matthew played table tennis with Natalie.

Click-clock, click-clock, click-clock.

Sally stuck her tongue out at Danny. It rolled into a perfect tube.

‘Now you try,’ she said.

Danny tried, but failed. His tongue just twisted, or bent inwards. ‘I can’t do it,’ he moaned.

Sally shrugged. ‘My mum says it’s jenny-ticks.’

‘What’s jenny-ticks?’

‘I don’t know – something in your body that decides if your tongue can roll into a tube or not.’

Sally demonstrated again and then said, ‘Let’s try to break that record for the Longest Kiss.’

‘No, I don’t think so,’ answered Danny.

Click-clock, click-clock, click-clock.

‘Why not?’ Sally leaned her face closer to Danny’s.

Danny gulped.

Her face was so close, it filled his view. Everything had gone silent, and all Danny could hear was his heart bashing inside his chest. Suddenly, Sally’s face disappeared, and a ping-pong
bat filled his view instead.

‘Fancy a game, you two?’ asked Matthew.

‘What?’ Danny blinked, and gazed up at Matthew.

‘You and me against Nat the Nit and Sally Butterfingers.’ Sally glared at Matthew as he yanked Danny off the chair and dragged him over to the ping-pong table.

Natalie grinned at her brother and sang, ‘Danny’s kissed his girlfriend, Danny’s kissed his girlfriend.’

‘I didn’t!’ protested Danny.

‘Well, you would have, if Matt hadn’t stepped in.’

Danny blushed prawn-pink.

‘No I wouldn’t,’ he said quietly. ‘And she’s not my girlfriend. Come on, let’s play.’

Click-clock, click-clock, click-clock.

Every time Danny glanced across the table at Sally, she smiled at him.

Matthew smacked Danny on the top of his arm with his ping-pong bat. ‘Keep your mind on the game!’ he hissed. ‘They’re winning!’

Danny tried. He tried hard, but it seemed that every time he hit the ball, it either pinged into the net, or ponged on to the floor. Finally he looped a weak shot into the air to make sure it
got over the net. Natalie pounced on it, and smashed the ball back at him.

‘Yessssssss! The Girls beat the Boys!’

Natalie and Sally high-fived, and did a silly victory dance around the table.

‘See you at dinner, losers!’ yelled Natalie as she walked away laughing.

Matthew glared at Danny.

‘You were useless,’ he snarled.

‘You . . . you kept getting in my way,’ countered Danny.

‘Me?
You couldn’t get the ball on the table!’

‘Yeah, because –’

Before Danny could finish, Matthew threw his bat down on the table and stormed off. ‘Matt!’ called Danny, but his friend carried on walking. Danny looked at Sally. She rolled her
eyes. ‘Urgh! Boys!’

Hotel La Langosta

Marisco

Spain

Dear Mr Bibby

I’m the Marisco Junior Chorizo-pushing Champion! This morning some of the Kids’ Club here at the hotel entered the annual
championships. You have to use your nose to push a Spanish sausage along the ground for as far as you can. It was fun!

Matthew dropped out pretty quickly, and so did all the other kids, except for Sally Butterworth. My knees and hands and back were killing me,
but I wouldn’t give up and neither would Sally. In the end, Sally had to stop when the big scab came off her knee, but I went on for another fifteen laps of the course. I pushed the chorizo
sausage for 8.88 km.

Matthew says that Sally let me win, but I think he’s just jealous.

I won a gold medal shaped like a sausage. It’s not real gold, but it’s still Ace. The local chorizo-pushing team have asked me if I
want to be in their squad when we come out to live here. They’ve never won the Spanish Chorizo-pushing Cup, and want to get the best players they can. I might do it!