The Years Between (10 page)

“I didn’t know that. You don’t say,” she sucked in a breath. “You don’t trust me enough to
tell me, do you? You think you can’t.”

He nodded. “I did think that. But I promised you I would quit doing that. So here’s the truth: I sometimes dream about it in stark clarity. I dream about the first time I ever saw you. After it happens, sometimes, it’s… really hard to face you. I get all the damn credit for saving you, but I didn’t save you. I abandoned you. I let it happen. I merely provided you a ride home from it. And before you argue, you can’t convince me otherwise. That’s how I feel. That’s the reality of it for me.”

“It’s hard to face me?” she scooted further up his body so she could touch his cheek. She cupped his face in her hand and leaned down and kissed him gently on the mouth. “Oh, Will. I didn’t know you lived with that.”

“You live with much worse.” His statement was simple and his expression seemed stricken. She closed her eyes. She had to know what he was talking about. His stomach curdled whenever he thought of it, the place she so easily faded back into.

“Can you stand it enough to be with me? If you found someone else, the dream would fade. The guilt would fade. The horror of what happened would leave eventually. With me? It’s here. Always. Between us. In us. Terrible things brought us together, and no matter how many pretty words we say to each other; we can’t change what is.”

“It was worse being away from you.”

She drew in a deep breath and held it, before slowly exhaling it. “You mean it?”

“Yes. I just can’t be with anyone else, but you. Whatever exists between us, there is way more to it than the bad stuff, isn’t there? Than Mexico?”

“I think so,” she said simply.

He shrugged. “I do too. So we have bad days sometimes. Or bad dreams. It can’t cancel out everything else, okay? We can’t get freaked out every time it gets hard. We have to be more secure than that, agreed?”

“Agreed.”

“And fucking call me. When you’re having a day like that, call me. If I can come to you, I always will. If I can’t, then at least, I’ll know. You’re not alone in this. Or what haunts you. Share it with me. If you see us lasting, then you have to share it.”

She closed her eyes. “I sometimes forget how.”

“Well, then, when you remember, come to me.”

She smiled up at him. “I did. It just took me awhile. Will you come to bed with me now? This couch sucks.”

He grinned finally. “It totally sucks,” he suddenly held her face and locked gazes with her. “Do I pressure you too much to have sex? I mean, I sometimes can’t get over you even letting me have sex with you.”

“Because of what I shouted earlier? I was just not calm. I was in a bad moment. But no, normally, when I’m coping, I’m okay. I’ll tell you what’s okay.”

“You have to promise to be honest. We don’t stand a fucking chance unless we’re honest. More than most couples. We have a lot more shit to wade through than most. But I think we can do it, as long as we’re honest.”

She nodded slowly. “I think we can do it too. And Will? I don’t care what you say, you did save me that day. And so many days after that. Including today.”

“Being there for someone you love isn’t saving them, Jess, it’s being their loved one. It’s what people in relationships do. I have a lot to teach you.”

She grinned, “I might have a lot to learn.” She leaned down and kissed his nose.

He caught her head and kissed her mouth in a longer, closed mouth kiss. When they separated, he said, “And we’re moving. I don’t care how much it costs. You can’t stay here.”

“I can too. We can’t really afford to be wasting more money on rent.”

He frowned. “I can afford to improve my wife’s mental health.
We get a housing allowance. And I see it in you. This place brings it all front and center. Besides, I don’t like remembering it, either. And you need a dog. So we’re going to have to get a house or something bigger with a yard.”

He watched her face suddenly light up. A new diamond ring couldn’t have elicited such an expression of excitement at the prospect. He was watching her closely before he finally started laughing. “You should see your eyes shining now, imagining your fantasy dog. See? We need a new place and you can’t argue.”

“I can’t argue. This place holds a lot of negatives.”

“I know.” He sighed. “You need to quit worrying so much about money. I’m not broke. We’re not broke.”

Her eyes turned weary. She didn’t like when he did that. She thought he treated her like she was still the broken, helpless, clueless Jessie Bains who couldn’t be trusted with their finances. She knew he didn’t relinquish control of anything easily, their bills, their finances, or their daily life. He wasn’t stingy with it. He opened a credit card in their name, and never said a word about how much she should or should not spend. But neither did he reveal to her their finances. He had reasons for it. Reasons he was far from ready to share with his barely stable, barely functioning wife. Reasons that someday could break all her progress wide open again. His arms tightened around her as if to ward off the future pain. For now, he simply could not risk it.

“Maybe one of the jobs I applied for this week will call.”

He turned his head to the side and kissed her mouth. “I think that’s a good idea. Sitting around here does you no good.”

“No, it doesn’t. But a dog would be very nice.”

“I’m actually off this weekend, let’s start looking,” he said as he suddenly sat up, cradling her on him. He stood up and carried her to their bed as if she were no heavier than a rag doll. He had carried her more than once, physically and mentally. She nodded, and he marveled over
this weekend,
when they could start looking, because indeed, they would be together
this weekend
and could do whatever they wanted
.

The seventh house they looked at was small, only seven hundred square feet. It was older, but well maintained. It sat on a large tract of land with mature trees that blocked out most of the surrounding neighbors. It was located i
n a small town called Green Pines, a good half hour commute to the Army base for Will. Jessie needed to get as far from it as she could, without making Will’s daily commute miserable. The less she dealt with Fort Bragg and its soldiers, the better her mental stability. The longer she buried herself in normal suburbia away from soldiers and their families, the better off Jessie seemed. The houses were built far apart. The backyard was fenced and it had a small spot where a garden once grew. There was one bedroom, one bath, a petite, galley kitchen and a living room. The sliding door stepped out to a deck that was bigger than the whole house. It was a single story, dollhouse that only cost a couple hundred more per month than their barren apartment.

“This is it, Will,” Jessie said, turning in a circle in the yard.

He leaned into the slider, watching her with a strange look in his eye. He liked watching her, but it still disconcerted her. “Are you going to even look at the house? Or just keep dancing around the yard, imagining all the creatures you could keep back there?”

“Just one. They can cost a lot in vet fees. We can’t afford to have more than one responsibly.”

He shook his head. “You just don’t realize how different you are from the girl I once knew.”

“I should hope I am.”

“I don’t care if you are. I only care that I am with you, however you may be.”

She smiled and her heart dropped. She worried when he spoke like that. No one could have really lived with her the way she used to be. No matter what fantasy Will had that he could, he really couldn’t. She hoped she wouldn’t become that Jessie again. But there were times she worried this newfound Jessie wouldn’t last, and she feared she’d wake up one day to find it all gone.

Will and Jessie rented the little house, and moved in a few weeks later. She spent a large amount of time setting it up, organizing it, and cleaning it. She painted the kitchen and living area a warm, bright, happy yellow. Who could be sad with bright sunshine on the walls? She offset the bright hue with neutrals from Will’s existing furnishings. He wasn’t exactly colorful in his choices. Her sister came over and helped her. Jessie never had a home before that was her own, and Lindsey helped her figure out what to do with everything.

They picked out a dog for Jessie within three days of moving in. She insisted they go to the local animal shelter. It was agonizing for her to decide. There were so many. She couldn’t stand seeing how many were homeless and needed her. She stared at them, her heart melting as she looked into their innocent eyes. She finally decided on a big dog whose origin was impossible to determine. He was big-eyed with a goofy face, long, straggly ears and
intelligent, dark eyes. He was speckled gray and black.

Will stood back and let her decide. He eyed her choice with skepticism when she finally beamed with satisfaction. “This? This is the dog you want?”

She scowled at him. “This? Why did you pronounce it in that tone? He’s perfect.”

“O-
kay. If you say so.”

“Don’t you think you could love him?”

“I think you could, and that’s the point of having the dog.”

“Will, don’t you like animals?”

He shrugged with a slight wrinkle of his brow. “I’ve never had a pet. So it’s new for me.”

“You’ll love it. You’ll just want to get more of them. They accept you exactly as you are. As is. No changing
yourself to be with them. You’ll love him!”

His tone was oddly quiet as he gripped her hand and dragged her towards the shelter’s worker to see about adopting the dog. “If that dog right there does that for you, then it will be my best friend in the world. Come on. Let’s adopt our first dog.”

****

Jessie applied to over two dozen jobs, but still did not get any calls back. Will encouraged her to see about doing something on base. She refused so adamantly, he threw his hands up in surrender. She loved leaving the apartment that symbolized so much of her misery. She loved it almost as much as leaving Fayetteville and being so close to Fort Bragg. It was like she could breathe and release her clenched muscles now. There was so much less of a military feeling out there that she could pretend sometimes, her husband wasn’t part of it.

Will was right; she did need to be away from it all. She spent hours out in their back yard training her new dog, which she named Soldier. Will scowled at hearing the name. She grinned. Yes, it was in reference to Will and his big, bad, soldiering ways. Ironically, it was what she still called him fondly, compared to the sarcastic insult she once endowed it with. Soldier, the dog, was as smart as she knew he would be. His eyes held the kind of wisdom and intelligence that Jessie didn’t think most people possessed.

She taught him to sit, stay, heel, come, go, and retrieve. She went a few steps further than basic training. Will watched her many an evening after dinner. It was probably the only thing she knew about more than he. He simply liked watching her do anything she was successful at. Noah taught her a lot about training and animals in the time she spent with him. Will sometimes rolled his eyes at her when she said, “Noah said…” or “Noah showed me…” comments.

It was kind of a thrill when she thought Will felt anything remotely like jealousy about her.

Since being hurt in active duty, his time back on post was relatively easy and he had lighter duties. She tried to pretend he was simply going to work; and her reprieve would last. Her heart didn’t have to jump in her throat while he was at work. For now, it was simply work. His training wasn’t nearly as rigorous, and his hours were fairly regular. There wasn’t the threat of deployment either, since he wasn’t fully cleared for normal, active combat yet.

****

She was lonely. Despite having an almost normal existence with Will, and seeing her sister more regularly, she missed the life she created in Washington. She mostly missed her job. It was the first time she ever felt needed and good about what she was doing and how she was doing it. She possessed the natural organization skills that Noah lacked. They had an easy give-and-take working relationship that she also missed. She talked to him sometimes, just to check on her favorite pets, the ones they saw a lot. Some of the clients treated her and Noah more like friends of the family than the local vet and his assistant.

She expressed that to Noah one Saturday afternoon. She was watching Soldier frolic around, chasing after butterfly shadows on the grass. “Why don’t you come back?” Noah inquired.

She sighed. “We can’t. We have to be here. Will’s job, you know.”

“I meant, whenever you’re free. Your job will always be here. I don’t care who takes it, I’ll fire them. I’d rather have you. Besides I’ve had enough applicants in that job to know no one does it as well as you do.”

“Do you mean it, Noah?”

He chuckled. “Yes, as long as you convince your soldier husband this is strictly a business arrangement for us.”

“Aren’t we friends?

Hesitation on Noah’s end. “Well, yes, but only if Will is okay with that. If not, then we aren’t.”

“Oh my God. You’re the biggest weenie. You’re afraid of him!”

He shuffled around, “Well, duh. Have you met your husband? We did try to date. How well do you think he likes that?”

“He told me to do it.”

“Doesn’t mean he wants to ever again see the man you did it with. You can’t really blame him.”

“Actually, I can, Noah.”

“Well, you figure it out. Just remember your job will be here whenever, or if ever, you want it.”

Will walked in as she glanced up. Noah’s words made her heart swell. Tears filled her eyes, and she had to blink them away quickly. “Thank you, Noah. That means more to me than you could ever guess.”

He sighed. “Oh, but I can imagine it, Jessie. So consider it a standing invite.”

She sighed heavily after hanging up. Will glanced over at her. “Problem?”

“I miss working with Noah.”

“Do you miss Noah?”

She smiled, “Well, yeah. He’s probably the first real friend I’ve had.”

“Besides me?” Will bristled.

She rolled her eyes, but answered dutifully, “Besides you. I didn’t know I liked having friends. But I do. I was liked by most of the people who came into the clinic. I just miss it. I left so abruptly. They will all probably forget me.”

He sat down at the small patio table and crossed his ankle over his knee. “I’m sorry my job always comes first. It takes priority over everything.”

His arms bunched after he crossed them over his massive chest. As often, and still, as always, her heart lifted with perfect clarity at how lucky she was to have him. The rest was all a big-ass nuisance, and not something that could ever change how lucky she was to be there with him. Those massive arms, she knew, would kill anyone who dared to hurt her again. She stood up, rubbing her hands on her jeans. She crawled onto his lap and leaned her head on his shoulder. “I can miss my job and be okay being here. Okay? It’s just a job. Noah is just a friend. I can and will find a life here. I can do it anywhere, I really think I can. I just
need
you.”

“Why don’t you go down and volunteer at the shelter where we got Soldier? Your eyes fairly shined and glistened at all that dog drool.”

“No. I need a paying job.”

He leaned his head over hers and rubbed his chin on her forehead. “You need to feel decent about yourself.
You don’t need a job. You need to do something that matters to you. Do that. I told you, we’re not broke.”

“Well, I guess it would fill up the hours.”

“I wish you liked it here more than just filling the hours.”

“I like living in this house. With you.”

“I have been thinking, we talked about the normal life stuff. After I’m done, why not move back to Ellensburg? To your job? You liked it there. I know my coming back takes you away from it. But why can’t we return to it?”

She leaned back, her eyes wide and hopeful. “Do you mean it?”

He chuckled. “I’m guessing that’s a yes?”

She nearly bounced up and down on his lap. “So you do mean it? Despite Noah? You’ll let me work with him?”

“Jessie, when in the hell have I ever
let
you do anything? You let me; and if you don’t know that, then think again.”

Silence fell between them. The dog’s barks filled the
afternoon as birds chirped and the occasional car passed by out front. “I can’t picture you not being a soldier,” she said finally.

His chest rose and fell under her head. “I know. To be honest? Neither can I. I’ve been one my entire adult life. I’ve been deployed more often than I’ve been at home anywhere.”

“Then how will you ever adjust to living in a little farming community in middle of nowhere?”

“Well, first, it’s a lot like the community I grew up in. Second, you’ll be there. You make all the difference.”

She shook her head on his chest. “I can’t make up for the excitement and thrills you get from the Army.”

He shrugged. “How do you know you can’t? Have you met yourself?”

She lifted her hand enough to fake-hit him. “I’m serious.”

He grabbed her hand and brought it to his lips. His tone was different when he spoke. “I am too. I know this major who’s been in close to twenty years. He’s been deployed more than nine times to Iraq and Afghanistan, at the expense of two marriages. He was telling me over a year ago about the little spread he wanted to get in Texas, where he and his dog could retire. Watch the cows. Whatever. The thing is… he has no one else. Not a damn soul in the world. No wife. No kids. No community. No friends outside of the Army, and the dog. He has the Army. That’s his life. He didn’t retire. He signed on for more. He’s tired and disillusioned, but it’s better than nothing. Well, without you, that could be me someday. I truly believe that, Jessie. I don’t want to be that guy. I want to be your husband, with an actual life
, much more than I want to be an old soldier with nothing else to show for it. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t trade the last decade I spent there. It was what I needed then. But now? I could take it or leave it.”

Her breath came out slowly, as if she’d been holding it. “You’re really not just saying this?”

“No. I’m really not. Remember when I told you I could do anything as long as I had you?”

“Not words I’m likely to forget.”

“Well, they weren’t just pretty words to me. I meant them. If you can stick with me through this, I promise you I will take you back to Noah and your animals and everything you found and gave up for me.”

His tone was calmer and low. She closed her eyes as his words filled the dark, lonely voids that sometimes overcame her.

She could barely speak with the lump in her throat. “I promise to stick with you through anything.”

“Even the Army?”

“Even the Army.”

He sighed heavily and held her against him. His grip grew tighter around her. His fingers dug into her sides, almost like he was holding onto a lifesaving ring to keep from drowning. “Jess, you should see about finding something to do at the shelter.”