The Years Between (6 page)

She sighed deeply and turned from the window. “So, what are we doing?”

“Having sex?”

She rolled her eyes when he leaned out of the bathroom, mumbling around his toothbrush. He disappeared again and came back out, still grinning. He was freakishly happy. He had been so the entire week before. It worried her and intimidated her, mostly because it seemed she was what made him act so happy. She wasn’t used to being the source of anyone’s happiness. Not even Will’s.

“What? No sex? Okay, how about dinner and we look around a bit? Do some shopping?”

“You shop?”

“For souvenirs of my honeymoon? Yeah, I do.”

It seemed any warnings regarding money only fell on deaf ears. Where did this amicable, nearly irresponsible man come from? She frowned as he quickly changed into shorts,
reflecting the warm temperatures. She couldn’t quit marveling how much she enjoyed watching him do something as casual as changing clothes. Would it ever quit feeling so amazing? Strange? Weird? Beautiful? How could watching someone quickly change to go out to dinner create a physical ache in her chest? Everything about him felt that way. Everything was a big deal. Everything was unfamiliar and weird. They loved each other. But in many normal, everyday ways, they were strangers. Will didn’t seem to notice. He was perfectly comfortable being naked and walking around her, or showering, changing, cleaning up, whatever. He easily left the bathroom door open when he peed, and even walked in on her. She intensely disliked that. Almost as much as she did not like to casually romp around naked.

They went out hand-in-hand in the evening, under the hot, streaming sun and blazing sidewalks. Crowds of tourists milled around, along with many strollers and families. They were either coming from Disneyland, looking haggard and battle-worn, or rushing to go there for the last of the evening hours. Will and Jessie, however, simply wandered. They strolled lazily, in no hurry. They gazed into windows and milled through shops. They sat down to a lovely dinner outside as the world seemed to grow more alive around them. They people-watched. They laughed at some, smiled at others, and talked of the normal, everyday things.

They seemed like a normal couple. They had fun like a normal couple. Her heart started beating like a foolish girl, first catching the eye of her long-time crush. Being around Will had that effect on her. But when they went to bed that night and he rolled toward her, she restrained the sigh. It was their second night as a
real
married couple. She was very tired, and still jet-lagged from the plane ride, and their evening out. She just wanted to go to sleep. But he sweetly nuzzled her neck as his hands slid over her body, and so sweetly wanted her. As any newlywed man wants his wife.

But she was not just any other new wife. They had sex more often than daily since their reunion. That was a lot of sex for her; the irony of which was not lost on her. The man she loved was the one she didn’t want to have continuous sex with. She stifled the sigh, and relaxed her legs to let him near her. She hoped he didn’t notice her less-than-eager response.

He was usually decently sensitive to her moods, so she couldn’t complain about that. But he did sometimes miss her less than enthusiastic reaction to him. She could fake him out a bit.

She wished she never felt the need to fake it, and didn’t want to. She wished, as always, she was just a normal, healthy, warm-
blooded, young woman of twenty-three, who simply wanted to enjoy sex. Because he could do it so well. He was generous and always attempted to make her come. But Lord, she simply could not always do it, or want it.

Maybe after the honeymoon, he would go back to the more restrained Will of long ago, when he was hard-pressed for her to beg him to do that with her.

****

“Jessie, wake up. Come on; get going, sleepy head.” She rolled over with a moan when Will’s voice interrupted her wonderful, deep, relaxed sleep. She groaned when the bright, sunny morning sunlight stabbed at her eyes.

“Oh my God! Shut the curtains.” Will pulled them back as far as he could. “What time is it?” she groaned when he didn’t respond.

He was putting his watch on his wrist before pushing at her butt. “Six. You said it takes you an hour to get ready.”

“Six? Come back in another couple of hours. Go away. Run. Practice maneuvers or combat… just whatever. But leave me alone.” She burrowed into the covers.

“I explained this to you. We need to get to the gate first thing to go in. Trust me. You’ll thank me later when you see the long lines. The morning is the only time to get a fair amount of rides in before the crowd really hits.”

She pushed the covers down and stared at him. He was oblivious to her glare. He was now standing next to the table, staring down at a paper and marking on it. She threw the pillow at his head.

“It’s our honeymoon. I want to sleep in. Relax. Do nothing.”

He calmly picked the pillow up and set it on the bed. “We’ll do that next week. This week, we’re going to have some fun. Trust me.”

She flipped him off, but scooted to the edge of
the bed. “
This
is not fun.” She grumbled as she pushed her hair out of her eyes.

“It will be. Trust me.”

Blurry-eyed, she stumbled into the bathroom to get ready, thinking he was really a complete and utterly lame drill sergeant.

“Okay, I’m ready,” she grumbled as she came out, half awake now, and at least somewhat able to tolerate the way too bright, happy sun.

“What are you wearing?”

She glanced down. “Uh, shorts. It’s going to be hot. Why?”

“No, your shoes. You have to wear something more comfortable; those will kill you.”

“My shoes?” she paused and took in Will. He wore shorts, socks and tennis shoes. His t-shirt fit perfectly across his chest. He was calendar-worthy hot. Always had been. She often thought his perfect body and beauty as a man was completely wasted on her. He should have been with a woman who willingly wanted to jump his bones regularly, every minute she glanced at him. He was that hot. So, freaking hot, he sometimes still made her blush when she saw him.

And worse, Will was that nice too. He was probably the nicest person she’d ever known. And nice… again kind of wasted on her moody, rude, complicated ass.

He was so good. And she was so not. It depressed her sometimes to realize how much more he deserved than having her. But he chose her. And she’d be damned if she’d give him up.

Still, this morning, she was biting her lip to hold back the grin. He stood up, pulling a black backpack strap up onto his shoulder. He held some papers in his hand.

She tipped her head towards his pack. “What’s in that?”

“Water. Food. Snacks. You know, stuff for the day. And our camera. Gotta take some pics, right?”

Her smile threatened to bloom. She bit down harder and cleared her throat. “Yes, pictures. And the map? What is it
of?”

“The best way to get around the park.”

She glanced at the map in his hand. Holy shit, he marked it up! He had taken a map of freaking Disneyland and made a route around it. He had, she was beginning to see, a whole battle plan for the day. Including the war-pack of necessities. She turned away, and the laugh escaped before she could choke it down.

“What’s so funny?”

She doubled over, laughing so deeply from her gut, she couldn’t stop. Tears started to blind her. “Oh my God! You! Do you need a walking stick too? Maybe a fanny pack? Yes, we need one of those. We could put the first aid kit in it. Tell me, you don’t have one already, do you?”

His eyebrows rose, and his expression seemed completely perplexed. He frowned. “No. I don’t have one. Why?
What
are you laughing about?”

He really didn’t get it. She laughed so long and hard, her side started to stitch. He stood there, all “Captain Will Hendricks” prepared. He was ready to take on THE PARK. Who knew they needed a war plan?

He was scowling at her, so clueless and adorable, she thought her heart might burst.

She stepped forward and slipped the straps of his backpack off. Still laughing, she pushed him backwards until he fell onto the bed.

“Jessie, we have to go.”

She straddled his lap, pulling on his shirt. “We don’t, Will. We really don’t
have
to go. We don’t have to do anything. We can stay right here, and I can decide I want to have sex with you because I think you’re the most adorable man I’ve ever met.”

He reluctantly leaned back as she pushed on his chest. She could feel his hesitation. He was really stressing about missing his planned start time of 7:30 at the front gate. She was messing up his plans. His desire to keep his agenda, and stay on task, was almost as strong as his response to her.

“I don’t understand what you’re talking about.”

“How often do I attack you?”

“Not very.”

“Let’s play it crazy, and wait for it… get there whenever we get there.”

He frowned, but relaxed under her as she rubbed her hands over the muscles that clung to his chest. “I get you’re mocking me, I just don’t know why.”

He didn’t stop her, however. She smiled as she leaned in and her mouth hovered over his. “You have a map marked where we are supposed to go today. You’re a Boy Scout, Will Hendricks, and for some reason, surprisingly, that turns me on.”

His hands came up to her waist. “That turns you on? Of everything that doesn’t, my simply being prepared gets you like this?”

She smiled and a deep laugh burst from her throat again. He was just so funny. And so clueless. And the light, happy feelings he aroused surprised her. Feeling this light, and silly, and fun was
nearly unprecedented for her, especially with a man.

Her smile dimmed, “What do you know about what doesn’t turn me on?”

He sighed. “I’m not stupid, Jessie. I know when you want it, and when you just tolerate it.”

She sucked on her lip. “Is that a problem? No one wants to feel tolerated.”

He shrugged. “No. I mean, I can handle it. I know why. Is it a problem to have it?”

She shook her head. “Nothing I can’t deal with.”

“Well, then, it’s nothing I can’t deal with.” His hands squeezed around her waist. “I like when you want to, however.”

She grinned. “Me too. But the other, I still can. It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay. I’m sorry. It’s just; I’m used to going awhile without it. I always have. But then, I’d come home, and have it. A lot. Kind of making up for lost time. But with you, now, today, it’s worse.”

“With Gretchen, you mean?”

He made a face and hesitated, his face flushing as he shrugged and said, “Yes, that’s what I mean.”

She leaned over him. “Just so we’re clear. I can do it as much as Gretchen.”

He brushed a hand over her face. “I just want you to do it however you can and want. If it’s too much, just tell me no. I’m not a saint. I told you that before. Just let me know. I can ask; I won’t die if you don’t want to.”

She kissed him. “I do want to do it with Boy Scout Will.”

He laughed and let her shimmy out of her shirt. “Okay, I’ll let you do with it Boy Scout Will.”

“We’ll be messing up your plans.”

“You’ve been doing that for three years, Jess, why stop now?”

Disneyland was a revelation to Jessie. She never had so much fun before. No one ever told her, as an adult, she’d love it. Well, Will tried to tell her, and as always, he was right. Then again, maybe it was so fun because it was all-pretend. It was as if they stepped from the bowels of hell, where rape, death, war and sadness were the building blocks of their lives and relationship, to suddenly
cheerful, shiny storefronts, beautiful people, and so much color, fanciful innocence and brightness, it seemed like a story book suddenly swallowed them up. For Jessie, who just spent three years fighting demons, both real and in her head, it was like becoming part of a happy fantasy that was full of innocence and joy. Nothing was that way for them until Disneyland.

They spent the first day browsing. She had to really work at convincing Will they could, in fact, just do whatever. Relax. Enjoy. And see what they discovered.

He went along with it only because she promised the next day belonged to him, to prove they did need a plan.

They bought pointless, expensive crap from the shops in the charming, little town-looking square. They bought twenty-dollar balloons, and Mickey Mouse ears. She begged him to wear his. He did for only five minutes to take a picture, but refused to keep them on, scowling at her when she suggested it. They took their new camera and traded off posing in front of all the man-made fantasy stuff, and other tourist sites that truly impressed and enchanted Jessie. She watched the little girls in front of Sleeping Beauty’s Castle and realized with a sharp stab in her heart how much the general stole from her and Lindsey. He should have taken them someplace where they could fantasize and be kids like this.

They held hands. They kissed. They hugged. They ate ice cream. They wandered some more. It grew hot. They left the park to spend the afternoon in the hotel pool and sunbathing.

But holy crap! Will wasn’t kidding about the crowds or the need for comfortable shoes. They were thick and exhausting. She wasn’t always good in crowds, and had bouts of anxiety sometimes. She didn’t like the trapped feeling of being pressed against people. He knew that so he drew her closer, wrapping his arms around her and simply pushing people away from her in the lines. She gazed up at him, knowing if people were watching them, they would probably roll their eyes and snicker at the love-sick way she gazed at him as if he were the second coming of Christ. Because truthfully, she sometimes thought Will was.

The next day, she let him have his way, and fulfill his plans, leading her through what she considered his Disneyland Plan of Attack. After every ride, she saluted him before asking, “Where to next, soldier?”

He insisted they were there at the crack of dawn the next morning and… he was right. They were able to see across the little themed areas because there weren’t streams of endless, ant-like people ahead of them. Each day, they chose a section of the park, then followed Will’s pre-laid plans and squeezed in all the rides. For several hours, they checked off Will’s plans. Literally. He checked them off. As they were checked off, she could see the satisfaction it brought him by the gleam of his eye. He was happy to be accomplishing precisely what he set out to do.

Each time he checked something off, she had to turn away to let her grin out her of amusement. He was so adorable. By the end of the week, they hit each and every ride, big and fast to little and slow. And each would get marked off Will’s Plan of Attack.

Then they were in line for the submarine ride. A woman, standing in front of them, observing their frequent kissing and eye gazing, asked if they were on their honeymoon.

Jessie blushed and stared at Will, who smiled back goofily. It sounded so strange to both of them still.

“Yes, we are,” Jessie answered. “Sorry, if we’re being obvious.”

“No. No, it’s lovely. It’s been twenty-three years since I felt the need to smooch my husband in public. How did you two meet?”

And just like that, the sunny day disappeared. The milling crowds. The endless music. The pretty sights. Mexico flashed between them. A big, ugly building. Ductwork. Ties. Men.
Rape.
They stared at each other for a horrified, drawn-out moment.

Will grabbed her hand, placing the other one around her waist before he squeezed her middle. She glanced up and swallowed. He answered softly, “We met through her father.” His gaze stayed firmly planted on hers.

The nice, polite, benign woman who was married for twenty-three years asked innocently, “Oh, and where was that?”

“Mexico.”

“On vacation?”

“No, it was business.”

The woman clapped her hands together. “That’s really sweet.”

Blinking, he lifted his eyes and his cloudy expression vanished. He’d gone to Mexico too, but didn’t revisit it nearly as of
ten as Jessie did. “Thank you.”

Jessie drew in a sharp breath. She too blinked
and let out a long, slow breath. The woman smiled, “Well, you two make a lovely couple. It’s nice to see.”

She turned back and started hushing her son.

Will drew Jessie closer to him. His breath ruffled her hair as he brushed his lips over her forehead. “Did you hear that? We’re a lovely a couple.”

She looked up wearily. “She doesn’t know us.”

His gaze drilled hers. “We are a lovely couple. You are my lovely wife.”

She closed her eyes and let the conversation filter through her head. The one that led to her near institutionalization. The one that changed her life forever. The one that took Will away from her. The one she didn’t clearly remember. Her memory remained hazy of what happened that night, other than losing her freaking mind. She remembered explaining to Will she was not a lovely girl, but the antithesis of that.

“…I wish I could be lovely, intelligent, and caring. I wish I’d been the kind of girl you’d choose to get to know.”

“That’s not—”

“Possible? I know. I know that. You met me naked and chained in a cell. There is no making me that girl. The good girl. I know that. I just wish I wasn’t so... so bad.”

The line moved forward, shaking her out of her reverie. His arms tightened on her, but this time, he drew her forward. His breath was right at her ear; in a tone so quiet, only she could hear it. “I know what you’re thinking about. Not today. Not now. Not this trip. We are here; Will and Jessie Hendricks. You
are
my
lovely wife, and we are going to have fun because I’ve never gotten to do that with you. And that’s what I want more than anything right now, to enjoy the company of my lovely wife.”

She nodded her head against his lips that touched her hair. “Where we started…”

“Is not where we end up. It’s not where we are now. It’s crap to us now. We can make up a new version of how we met. I really never want to mention Mexico and how we met again to a stranger, okay?”

“Okay.” And for now, it was.

****

When the evening came, Will stopped them, dropping his war pack that she had to admit came in handy. He had everything from water to hand sanitizer. Now he pulled out a small, tightly bound blanket. He set it down along the edge of the miniature, man-made water feature that closely resembled a wandering lake or river.

“What exactly are you doing?”

“Getting good seats.”

“For?”

“The nine o’clock fireworks show. Besides, my feet hurt.”

“We don’t have any more missions to complete, soldier?” She saluted him and pretended to stand at attention.

He turned and grabbed her around the waist, holding her towards the water. She screamed and gripped his forearms. “Will Hendricks, don’t you dare!”

He gave her a sinister grin. “Then quit mocking me.”

She shook her head, despite her precarious position. “I can’t. I just can’t do that. You have a color-coded system of how to navigate a theme park. I can’t ever promise I won’t mock you for it.”

“Then I can’t promise I’m not going to throw you over this rail into that water.”

“They’ll throw you out of the park.”

“They’d have to catch me first. I think I can outmaneuver the rent-a-cops who guard Disneyland.”

“The same place you brought a map and notes to navigate? Oh that’s real convincing of how bad-ass you are.”

He pushed her straight out from his body, and could have held her there for as long as he felt like, no doubt. Her feet dangled over the pavement. She rolled her eyes. “Okay, okay. I promise to never make fun of your anal plan for world preparedness.”

“You don’t sound remotely convincing.”
He reluctantly lowered her feet to the ground.

She stepped back and to the side as people filtered between them,
grinning she said, “Except for when you can’t reach me.”

She ran off with a laugh as he tried to grab her. She was smaller and able to duck in and out of people with an ease his muscle-bound bulk could not. She laughed as she wove up and down the square, around lines, vendors, crowds and people resting to eat. She made it around and through different themes until she became unsure which theme she found herself in. Having paid no attention where they were, because she was being escorted by a man who nearly had the map tattooed on his hands, she glanced back and nearly pumped her hand in the air. She managed to ditch him! She could never, ever outmaneuver, outman or outrun him. It took a thousand people milling around for her to do it, but she finally did. She stopped and bent over, catching her breath. She wasn’t in the shape her soldier husband was. Her heart was racing and her cheeks felt hot.

But she was having more fun than she’d ever had with a man. Flirting. Kissing. Playing. Being silly. Even as a teenager, she never experienced that. As a teenager there were never any dates or trips to a carnival. There was never playful innocence for her. So to experience it now was heady, exciting, better than any ride she could ever go on.

No doubt, Will sensed that and so provided it. How? How did he always know just exactly what was right for her, when she usually didn’t know?

She turned to head back and was suddenly caught from behind in a quick grasp of hands tightly around her waist that pulled her back. She shrieked and laughed, clawing the air to try and at least look like she could fight him.

She finally gave up and flopped against him like a deflated balloon. “How did you find me?”

“Special Forces.”

“Oh Lord. We can all sleep better knowing you Army men can navigate the treacherous war zones found in our theme parks.”

He set her on her feet and leaned down to say into her ear. “I can always find you. Don’t forget that.”

She tipped her head up, smiling. The teasing, laughing tone was gone from his voice. He sounded strangely alpha, the commander of the pack. “Why? Are you afraid I’m going to run?”

“All the time,” he said, his tone milder. She thought it sounded like they’d gone from kidding around to serious. He suddenly straightened up. “My feet really hurt now; can we go see if our stuff is still there?”

They spent awhile waiting for night to finally darken the sky. The crowds grew ridiculously larger around the Rivers of America. She realized then why he, as usual, thought ahead and put them in a comfortable spot, along the rail, so no one could get in front of them, allowing them to see everything. They grabbed food and drink and sat there, talking. Finally, the show started and Will pulled her against him, his legs surrounding her, his arms resting on her, and his hands interlaced over her stomach. She leaned into him and he dropped his chin on her head.

It was a common way for two people to sit. Teens around them sat that way or huddled together, watching casually. The thing was: no one ever sat casually with Jessie and did that. No one ever held her… period. She had more sexual partners than anyone needed to contemplate anymore, but not one of them ever cared about her. She’d never been held casually, formally or just because. No one ever walked around with her, holding her hand, or slinging an arm over her shoulder. And no one ever simply sat and watched a show with her curled up in his arms. She shut her eyes. The mist from the fake river felt cool against her cheeks. The air was perfect after the warm day and now cooler night. People talked in happy murmurs around her. The warmth of Will radiated through her. He leaned in and kissed her neck. Just because. He did things like that a lot. Just because, and it flustered her. She didn’t know how to react sometimes. He made comments into her ear, saying small things about the show. Or the couple a few rows over. Still, she kept her eyes shut. His hands tickled her stomach and shifted around her torso. He leaned forward to rest his chin on top of her head.

She opened her eyes when she heard the fireworks starting. The sky was lit up in artificial colors so brilliant, they looked like a rainbow of shiny gems against the inky night sky. Her eyes filled with tears. It was so perfect. She was afraid to breathe. Or move. She was afraid she’d blink and it would all disappear. She would not be there, or with Will. He would not be holding her, as if he loved her, cared about her, cherished her. She would realize it was all
a great big, gigantic joke, capping off the nightmare that comprised her entire life. There was no way, was there? That this was real? That she deserved this?