The Years Between (5 page)

His hands tightened on her back. She laughed suddenly, bringing him back to now. This moment. This morning. Their first morning. “Easy, soldier.”

“I was thinking…”

She nodded, her tone suddenly crisp, “I know. It happens to both of us. A lot. But I think Lindsey was right.”

“How so?”

“She said no more thinking until after you go back to work, and we have to figure this out for real. For now, we get to just be happy.”

He let out a long breath. “We’ve never had normal. Or much happy. Yeah, I’d like that.” He walked into the kitchen to peek inside his usually barren cabinets. “So, what did you buy me? Do you cook for me now too?”

She stepped to the side of him. “Until your arm heals. Then we’ll see.”

“It’s really hurt, Jess. It might be months.”

“Really? And yet, you could manhandle me every which way last night.”

“And this morning,” he said, leaning down to start kissing her. She started to speak, but he swallowed her thoughts in his mouth.

“What? How is it you’ve never been to Disneyland or Disneyworld? Everyone in America has been there.”

“Are you forgetting who my father was? No, not everyone has been there.”

“Fuck-face,” he automatically interrupted her.

She grinned, “Okay, Fuck-face.”

Was
. It was hard to get used to her father not really being her father and now, he was dead. It filtered through her head at the oddest times. While doing the dishes. While walking down the street to get some exercise. While watching TV. While shopping. While driving. It was on her mind all the time. It was also a little bit shameful to her how relieved she was about someone’s suicide. It wasn’t something she should feel about anyone. But she was glad he was dead. She was glad he’d never again get to insult her, belittle her, push her, hit her, or have her raped. He could never hurt her again. All the damage he was going to inflict on her was now done. Over. She was
finally
free.

Will shook his head and lowered the bite of food he was about to shovel into his mouth. They went out to dinner and were discussing exactly where the mythical vacation would take place. Jessie still couldn’t really believe it was going to happen. No, no way. How could that ever really and truly happen? Will had weeks off. Weeks he was supposed to spend healing, but strangely, he was fine. She worried he was way overdoing it, but there was no slowing him down. He was strangely excited. She wasn’t sure what to call it. He was just so happy.

“Well, then, that’s where we’re going. We’ll go to Disneyland.”

She frowned. Disneyland? For a honeymoon? Was he ten years old? “That’s a weird place to go.”

“How would you know? You missed one of the greatest vacations. Christ, he really was a prick. He never took you and your sister there?”

“W
e didn’t take family vacations.”

He frowned. “Well, now that you say that, neither did I, really. I went with Gretchen’s family. And Tony’s. I was always their families’ other child.”

“That’s kinda nice.”

He shrugged. “When we were old enough, Tony and I lived there during the summers. We’d drive down and hang out there. It was awesome, even as a teen.”

She smiled, picturing a younger Will
hanging out.
Did Will ever just hang out? That was hard to imagine. He was so focused and intense now. Always super savior, and rescuer, soldier-Will. “Calliston was close to there?”

“Closer than North Carolina.”

“Do you miss living there?”

He shrugged. “It would be weird now, and with Gretchen and her family… well, they’re probably not happy with me anymore. I don’t know, I don’t like remembering my mom, and that does it.”

“Wouldn’t Disneyworld be closer?”

“I wouldn’t mind going to California,” he finally said quietly.

She reached over and touched his hand. “I didn’t know you missed it.”

“Yeah. Sometimes. My life wasn’t all bad there.”

“It had to be easier than having me in it.”

“Just… different. But the beaches
, you’ll love them. We could go for a week to Disneyland and a week to Huntington Beach. It’s incredible there. I think you’d like it.”

“Two weeks with you? Alone? No Army?”

He grinned like a boy. “Yeah.”

“Then I don’t care the destination.”

“You will. It will be so much fun. You’ll see.”

****

Jessie stood in a flowered dress that reached mid-calf with a soft material that clung around her breasts before falling into a jagged hem. Her black hair cascaded around her shoulders, brushed to a modest perfection. Her makeup was soft, and so subtle, only her big, brown eyes showed. She held a small bouquet of daisies. There was nothing suggestive about her. She resembled the picture of a mid-century, virginal bride. She smiled shyly as she walked towards him.

This time, there was no crowd and no menacing, threatening general. Or the men who raped her, sitting beside their wives as the general’s guests. This time, there was Lindsey on the right and one of Will’s teammates on the left. It was hard not to include all of his team. But it was just too much for Jessie. She started almost hyperventilating any time he tried to discuss her meeting the wives and families of the men he served with: his brothers in arms. It made his heart squeeze not to include them on the best day of his entire life. But with Jessie, they were and had to always be separate. The embarrassment over her past, her father, and the agony she endured when remembering what being a soldier’s daughter felt like was just too much.
Plus the media was front and center around Fort Bragg. By keeping Jessie away, she was so far avoiding direct contact. No one had yet discovered where she was or who she was living with. Will hoped by going to California for two weeks it would make the media attention die down and go away. Maybe, then, they could start living a ‘normal’ life as Jessie seemed to think they could try and do.

He hoped so.

So, being with Jessie, he gave up a big part of his social life. He still loved his team, and was involved with them and their families… but strictly as a single man.

Jessie walked herself up the narrow aisle of the quaint country church she found. This time, she didn’t freeze up out of terror that her father was scowling at her. And didn’t distrust Will. This time, she was smiling shyly at him as if it were the very first time she’d ever glanced his way.

Images flashed like a movie reel through his mind. Jessie lying on the ground. Jessie covered in filth. Jessie getting up to jog for him. Jessie smiling at him when she did. Jessie crying in his arms. Jessie… everywhere and every single imaginable way one could know another. It made Will’s back stiffen and straighten. They had gone through everything. He always looked back at it as a hindrance,
the things,
that kept them from ever achieving
normal
with each other. Or finding a way to even be together. Instead, he was so fucking wrong. About all of it. They met in hell and survived. There was nothing they hadn’t faced and seen with each other, and therefore, there was nothing they couldn’t face and survive about so-called
normal
life. He almost snorted.
Normal life
. How could he have feared that with Jessie? Normal life? That was nothing. Nothing for them. For the two who survived and found each other in Mexico and were forever bonded together because of it.

Maybe next time, a brick hitting his head would have been a better way to get him to the obvious conclusion. He took her hand as she stepped close enough and glanced up through her lashes, perhaps a little surprised at the grip he held her in. Or the complete and utter confidence that filled him. She arched her eyebrows in silent question. He smiled finally and touched his lips to her forehead. They turned together to face the minister.

Neither of them attended church, nor had much religious affiliation. But the sudden, strange, burst of peace and light that filled Will just then nearly made him bow his head in prayer, and fall to his knees, thanking God. Feelings emerged that he had only ever experienced during life-threatening situations in the field or at war. For his safety or a buddy’s. Not for the gift of love. How did they get here? How was it possible for him to marry Jessie? For real? Forever? How, after everything they suffered, and she suffered, were they here now and starting a life together?

And then… they were simply pronounced husband and wife again. But in a way they had never been the first time. He leaned in to kiss her and felt like his heart was simply too big to stay beating inside his chest. Surely, it would burst and he’d die right there at the altar, in the happiest moment of his life.

Didn’t seem like the worst way to go.

But no, her small hand was clutched in his as they were hugged by Lindsey. He turned back to
his wife.
Maybe before he reported back to duty, he could find a way to wipe the wimpy, silly, stupid, hapless grin off his face.

He hoped so; lest one of his teammates shoot him long before the enemy got the chance.

****

They left after their small, intimate, and to everyone else,
forgettable
wedding, but to them, it was perfection. It was real. And Jessie finally had a wedding picture. There were none from their first wedding. Their picture was taken, but not by her. She hated it, since they were a fraud. This, however, was really them. They smiled together on the steps of the small church as the sun shimmered with perfect lighting around them.

Finally, she had proof of them as a couple. They had few pictures together.
A fact that became startling clear last week when she started to spice up the doctor-office apartment. There was no trace of them as a couple. They had known each other for three years, but she could count on her hand the amount of sentimental things that represented them. It disturbed her. She wanted more. She wanted pictures. She wanted memories. She wanted a more normal history.

T
hat was something she was bound and determined to change. “Do you realize we have no pictures together?”

Will, at the time, was
hanging the new dining room artwork she purchased. She needed to put some kind of mark and stamp on that damn apartment, which said,
Jessie was here
. And here to stay. “We don’t?”

“No. Just the awful ones my father hired at our wedding. They don’t count. There are none of
us
.”

He stepped down off the stool. “So… let’s take some pictures.”

“I don’t have a camera.”

“Oh. Neither do I.
And my phone takes crappy pics.”

They stared at each other.
She felt her face crumble. He smiled and said gently, “We’ll get a camera, Jess. We just got back together. We have a lot to work out still.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

He put his hands on her shoulders and squeezed. “We’ll get pictures taken. Just give it some time.”

Time.
Something she still wasn’t used to and often panicked about. She kept forgetting they had it.

And now, thi
s time after their wedding they got to go on a honeymoon.

Their hotel room wasn’t the best, but Jessie loved it. It was as generic and normal as one could find for a mid-priced hotel chain. Their king-sized bed dominated the room, with a small table and two chairs. A sliding door allowed them to step out onto a small, miniature deck. It was neat, clean and painted red. It looked down onto the courtyard and pool that glistened in the hot, blistering, bright, California sun. The sky looked like it was scrubbed extra blue, and the lapping, teal pool called her name.

Will conscientiously unpacked his things. She glanced past him to the bathroom counter where he arranged his meager belongings: deodorant, brush, toothpaste, and mouthwash, lined up perfectly. She bit her lip to keep from laughing or showing her amusement. He was so stinking neat and organized, ready for anything. Her bags were off to the side and her personal things were stuffed into two huge cosmetic bags, so full, she feared trying to re-zip them once she opened them.

“I got something for us.”

“For us?”

He grinned as he handed her a box wrapped so precisely and neat, it looked store-wrapped. She opened it and held it up with visible delight.

“You got us a camera!”

He nodded, grinning at her excitement. “Yes. Every couple has a camera. So now we do too.”

She eyed it. “It looks expensive.”

He shrugged. “We have a lot of pictures to make up for.” Taking it, he fiddled around for a few moments until raising it up, aiming it at her and clicking.

“We need to be more careful. The honeymoon… this… my dress… the stuff I’m getting for the apartment. We need to slow down.”

He leaned down and kissed her cheek. “We’re not broke yet. Quit worrying.”

He smacked her butt and walked off into the bathroom. She did worry. Strangely, Will was spending more money than she thought they should. He booked first class tickets to fly there; and acted as if paying for a two-week vacation was nothing. As if they had thousands from which they could simply draw on, but were actually his savings and pay. Her own money was limited. Almost nonexistent. And now that she finally worked, she knew how precious the damn stuff was, and did not relish going back home completely broke. For heroic as Will’s career as a soldier was, he didn’t exactly bring home a CEO’s paycheck. And neither was her job as a vet’s assistant.

The vet
. Her heart pinged. She missed it, and working with Noah. She missed her small apartment at the Clapsmiths. She missed the reliability and comfort of her routine there.

She turned and stared out the window.
Stop it
. That was not how she should have felt. She was with Will. There was no better place on earth for her to be.

But… being away from her routine was hard. Discipline used to be her worst skill. But now it was her best, and she had it in spades. She survived her own fucked-up brain by sticking to a strict regimen that centered and grounded her over the last eighteen months. That short of time was how long she’d been doing what society considered
decent
. But the problem was: ignoring that routine messed with her head and her emotions. Her life with Will was better than everything else. Why, then, couldn’t her stupid, messed-up emotions just shut up and leave her the fuck alone and let her be there? In the moment? With Will. Now. Today. Why did everything in her life have to be tinged with unhappiness?