This Can't be Life (21 page)

“I was pregnant by your father and I lost my baby during delivery. I had to have a hysterectomy and I couldn’t have any more kids. One day, your father walks in with you…spitting image of him,” she said, as if she was reliving it all at that very moment.

“He said we had to keep you. That you were his and if I wanted to be with him, I would raise you as my own. I loved your father more than life itself. Although I knew where you had come from, I didn’t question him. I did as I was told. I never loved you! Actually, I hated you. You were always a reminder of your father’s infidelity. He treated you like you were the end all be all. Plus, you look so much like that woman,” she snarled. “I wrote her after your father died to see if she wanted you back. The letter came back unopened, return to sender. She still didn’t want you, so I was stuck with you.” I couldn’t believe my ears. She said this shit so nonchalantly as if she were telling a fairytale. This explained why she’s treated me like a stepchild for all of these years. Hell, I was!

“You coldhearted bitch.” I backslapped her so hard that she flew back and hit the wall she was standing in front of before falling to the ground. My hand was stinging from the force of the blow, but I wasn’t done. I wanted her to feel my pain but, before I could get to her again, Stacey grabbed me. Talise held the front door open as Stacey pulled me out of the house. If he hadn’t grabbed me when he had, I would have given her the beat down of her life and been serving time in Sybil Brand for killing her with my bare hands.

“Let me go, Stacey! I hate her! Let me go!” I shrieked as he held me in a bear hug and guided me toward the car. The people I’d known to be my family stood on the porch watching, as if I were some stranger.

“What type of woman are you?” I kept yelling as we got closer and closer to the car. “What have I ever done to you but love you unconditionally?” I cried, as Stacey walked me toward the street, practically holding me off the ground by my waist.

“What did I do to any of you?” I screamed. “What did I do? None of this is my fault! I didn’t ask to be born into this fucked up world!” I wailed. It hurt so badly I could have been stabbed right through the heart and the pain would have been no different. It took both Talise and Stacey to get me into the car. I was beyond hysterical and possibly much worse off than I was before ever entering
Manhattan Beach
.

Stacey

When my friends hurt, I hurt. There just wasn’t any way around that. Talise is in love with Doctor Evil Edmonds, thinkin’ she can bring him closer to God. But with all that damned fornicatin’ they doin’, she’s leadin’ his ass closer to hell, not heaven. Simone is in extensive therapy, tryin’ to deal with the fact that she was molested by her uncle, who turned out not to be her uncle ‘cause her momma ain’t her momma. It was just too much shit goin’ on and I didn’t know if I could ever deal with it.

Simone decided to take some time off from the salon and I thought that was a good idea. She needed time to get her head right. I assured her that I would take care of her clients until she felt like comin’ back. Her time with the psychiatrist seemed to be really helpin’ her. One good thing was that she hasn’t had the dream again since the night before the family reunion when she saw the perverted motha fucka walk in like he wasn’t into fuckin’ little girls. I shoulda called my cousins, Pookie and nem, to come fuck him up for real!

It seems like everyone has someone in their family that has been molested by a family member or someone close. That shit is beyond revoltin’. I’d probably be ‘normal’ if my mother’s sick ass boyfriend hadn’t been fuckin’ with me when I was barely nine. Hell, I might have been somewhere married with children if he hadn’t done that to me. When I told my mom, she tried to kill that man. Luckily, he was prosecuted and sent to jail. He was sentenced to three years, although he should’ve spent the rest of his life in prison for fuckin’ with mine. My mother put me in counselin’ immediately and it helped me a lot. So, when people try to tell me that counselin’ doesn’t work, I tell them they were goin’ to the wrong person. Counselin’ definitely helped me understand that that shit wasn’t my fault and that he was, and probably still is, a very sick man. I had to learn how to deal with it, go on with my life, and not let it ruin me. Thankfully, I hardly ever think about it now. I’ve learned how to play the cards I was dealt and it’s gotten me through this far.

Comin’ out to my family was much easier than I thought it would be. My mother cried. I know that she was hurt, wonderin’ if that man made me this way. My older sister, Joy, said she’d always known. I don’t know why I was so apprehensive about comin’ out to the two people who love me unconditionally. My family had my back 100 percent and I was grateful for that. I have friends that have been disowned by their families for bein’ gay and that would have totally devastated me. I would have killed myself because I couldn’t have lived my life without my mother and sister.

I don’t understand why people would think that a man would choose to be gay anyway. You had to be a certain type of man to even think about bein’ with another man sexually. That shit wouldn’t even cross a real straight man’s mind. Just like a real gay man wouldn’t even think about bein’ with a woman. That shit has never crossed my mind. I’ve never in my life been with a woman before and couldn’t even imagine it, just like straight people couldn’t imagine bein’ with their same sex. It was just a natural feelin’ for me to want to be with a man.

Now the reason I put emphasis on the
real
is because sometimes you run into those bi-curious people, or whatever they want to call themselves, who would fuck whoever. And that shit ain’t cool. I went through my stage where I didn’t want to be with a man that was already gay. I got a thrill out of fuckin’ with a straight man. But that was back in my dumber days, I’ve had enough heartache doin’ stupid shit like that for all the gay men in the world. They would just want to lay down and have sex. Most wouldn’t even want to kiss and don’t even think about going out to dinner and all the shit that normal people do when they’re datin’.

That was why I was havin’ this dilemma. Tyron Marks was everything I wanted in a man, except gay. He didn’t think he was gay, which made no sense. He’d fuck a man and let him suck his dick, but he wasn’t gay? Yeah, okay. He can believe that shit if he wants to. I bet if I asked one of his boys, they’d call his ass a homo. Eventually, his ass is gon’ be pushed out the mothafuckin’ closet anyway, and he gon’ feel real stupid then. So, why prolong the inevitable?

The last relationship I was in, I loved that man too much. I was blindsided when he decided that he didn’t want to have a relationship with a man anymore. He felt that he needed to get right with God. He had the nerve to tell me that he wanted to find a wife and have some kids. I went complete guerilla on his ass. I was with him for two years and didn’t know that he was even second-guessin’ his sexuality. If I'd known that, I wouldn’t have dealt with him at all. Yet, here I am, even thinkin’ about messin’ around with someone like Tyron, someone with a girlfriend that probably doesn’t even know that her man takes it up the ass or at least likes givin’ it. I was sensin’ trouble already. You would have thought my stupid ass had had enough heartache to know when to turn a brotha down…but this brotha was different.

I couldn’t get him off of my mind. It seemed like it was meant for me to meet him, but still I was very apprehensive. I wasn’t for the bullshit and I didn’t have time to have my heart trampled on again. I had gone four months without intimacy and I could keep goin’. I was done with meaningless sex. The only thing a quick romp in the sack had ever gotten me was a damned dilemma, especially with someone I had no mental connection with. When all is said and done, it has always been about gettin’ the man out my bed and out the front or the back door as fast as possible. I am not with layin’ up with no man unless he has my mind. So, I called Tyron for some straight talk. When he picked up the phone, I got right to the point, straight up, no chaser or cordial greetings or shit like that.

“What do you want from me?” I asked, after he announced himself. His voice sent chills through my body. Nothin’ turns me on more than a powerful man. If you haven’t tried one, you should. A man that’s signin’ checks, hirin’ and firin’ people, is the kind of man I like. Bein’ with a man that has so much money and power made my dick hard. Anyway, so when I asked him that question, he didn’t hesitate to answer and knew exactly who he was speaking to.

“Stacey, you don’t have to question my intentions with you. I’m not the type that would fuck you over. I have too much to lose.” He told me that he’d been with three men in his whole life and kept the last nigga, as he put it, for five years. Homeboy decided that he didn’t want to live in his shadow. He went on to tell me how he took care of him, paid his way through law school, and spent a lot of time with him. But that wasn’t enough for him. He wanted to be the one with him at events, takin’ pictures as a couple, walkin’ down the red carpet and shit like that.

“I’d be ruined. I deal with gangsta niggas, niggas from the street. They wouldn’t understand. Shit, I don’t understand it and I’m a nigga from the street, too.”

I understood everything he was sayin’ and I had to think if this was somethin’ that I could do. I had to weigh my options. I’m lonely with no one in my life right now. I make really good money, so it’s not like I need him. I could definitely stack some chips and open up a salon or two, take some vacations, and live in the lap of luxury. Hmmm, what to do? I thought it over for all of five minutes while he was still runnin’ his mouth and decided to go for it. But he’s gonna have to show me what he’s about before he gets anything from me. I ain’t stupid. A man can talk a bunch of shit and not back it up, and that’s grounds for me to start slicin’ and dicin’!

I told him that I was interested in gettin’ to know him and spendin’ some time with him. He invited me over. I went and had the most wonderful time with him. We didn’t have sex but we did share the most wonderful kisses that I’ve ever had in my life. He invited me to go with him to
Paris
on business, said that he’d have a couple of meetin’s a day. I’d have to fly out there by myself but he’d make sure that I had a room adjoined to his so we could be together. He then handed me $10,000 in cash to take care of some of my bills and get whatever I might need for the trip. I almost pissed my pants. If it was about to be like this, hands down, I made the right decision fuckin’ with him.
Paris
, here I come!

Simone

It was
4:00
in the morning and I was lying in my bed wide-awake. The scene from my grandparents’ house kept playing in my head over and over again. I felt so lost. I don’t even know where I came from, who my mother is, or who my real grandparents are. I could have walked down the street and passed my own mother and not even have known it. Everything I thought to be the truth was a lie. Everything that I thought to be real was fake. Usually, when a child finds out she was adopted, there is a
sit down, let’s break the news gently
moment. I was completely blindsided. To say that I felt like I’d been dropped on earth from another planet would have been putting it mildly.

When the phone rang, a multitude of things that could’ve gone wrong ran through my head before I finally found my cordless phone nestled in between my sheet and my goose down comforter.

“Hello,” I answered, my voice raspy from not talking for hours.

“Is this Simone Johnson?” an unfamiliar male voice asked.

“Yes, who is this?”

“Ma’am, I’m detective Robert Liles with the Los Angeles Fire Department Arson Investigation Team. Your salon caught fire this morning. We need you to come down and talk to us.”

“What? How did it happen? Is it bad?” Questions poured out of my mouth as I jumped out of bed and walked into my closet to throw something on.

“We’re pretty sure that it was arson. And yes, ma’am, I’m sorry to inform you that it burned pretty badly. Can you come down so I can give you more information?”

I wrote down the address to the precinct and told them they could expect me there within the next hour. My first stop would definitely be my salon. I couldn’t believe that this was happening and I knew I wouldn’t until I saw it. I picked up the phone to call Stacey when I remembered that he was in
Paris
. I dialed Talise’s number and hung up before the first ring. I knew they were tired of having to deal with my never-ending drama. I hated burdening my friends with my many problems; I’d unloaded too many on them already.