This Can't be Life (23 page)

“I still had to see that. I was here. You were there. And I was alone! You left me. And for a long time, all I could think about was you leaving. Then I started to understand that I couldn’t live like this. I felt that I couldn’t live without you being here, without you living
here
.” She took a sip of her water when the waitress came to bring out our fried clam strips appetizer. Neither of us touched it. I had lost my appetite and I was sure food was the last thing on her mind as well.

“Like I was saying, I didn’t want to stay here without you, but I knew my grandmother wouldn’t leave the home that she lived in for the last 55 years. I would never even expect her to do that, and I would never leave her here. My grandmother is 89 years old, Deon. What do I look like leaving her here with no one else? My only uncle is in jail and isn’t getting out any time soon. My mom and grandfather have been in heaven since high school. Plus, LA is just not the place for me. I could never live there.” She took another sip of her water and continued.

“After you left, each day got better than the one before, and it became easier to be without you than it was to be with you. It hurt less to let go than to try and hold on to this untouchable figure that you’ve become. I started hanging out and experiencing things that I never got to experience. I was exploring things that I’ve always been curious about but was never able to experience because we’d been together for so long. You know, before we met, I had just gotten out of a long-term relationship that I was in since middle school. Then I jumped into the relationship with you. I never had a chance to date and explore other possibilities. I love you, Deon, but I’m not in love with you any more. And you know that you aren’t in love with me anymore, either. You just trust me. You’re comfortable with me, and I know that’s the truth.” I took the opportunity to jump in when she took another sip of her water.

“Tonya, first of all, I’m not an untouchable figure. I’m me, Deon, the same person that you’ve known for all these years. I haven’t changed. To be honest with you, I can’t say that I’m still in love with you either because so much has gone on between us. I just don’t understand what happened. I thought you would always be in my life, be my wife, the mother of my kids. You know that’s what I’ve always wanted. Lately, you just cut me off like we aren’t friends first and foremost. It was like the incident at the hotel was just an excuse for you to do something that you had been wanting to do all along. All my plans included you, but your plans didn’t include me. And that is where I went wrong.” I felt like flipping over every table in the restaurant. All of my anger seemed like it was going to boil over. I was messed up inside and I didn’t know how to get it out. If I would have been honest with myself, I would’ve realized that I was still tripping behind Simone and all that I’d found out from Byron. Whenever I thought about her, it made me angry at her, and at myself, for almost getting caught up. “So, what’s up, Tonya? What’re you trying to say to me? You seeing someone else or what? Just tell me straight up,” I demanded.

“Yeah, Deon, I’m seeing someone else and I have been for a while. I did some soul searching when you left and I met someone who is very special to me. This relationship has helped me really understand who I am and why I’ve felt the way that I’ve always felt. I’m gay, Deon, and I’ve been dating women for almost two years now. I know this is where I want to be. I’m home, D. All of my questions have been answered. I’ve always been attracted to women and I didn’t know how to deal with my feelings. I’m happier now than I’ve ever been and I hope you’re not mad at me. I hope you understand that I want you in my life, but as my friend. I’ve been missing our friendship and I’ve felt horrible about keeping this from you, but how do you tell your boyfriend that you’re gay? It’s hard for me to tell you this now, but everyone knows and I can’t hide it from you any longer. Sooner or later, you would have found out, so I’d rather you find out from me than anyone else.” Tears were streaming down her face as I sat there in complete shock.

After a moment or two, I slid out of my side of the booth and sat next to Tonya. I put my arm around her shoulder, pulled her close to me, and held her. I started to smile and my smile turned into laughter.

“What are you laughing at?” she asked, looking up at me like I had lost my mind.

“I’m sorry. I’m not laughing at you. I’m laughing because it all makes sense to me now. I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong and it just killed me because you never seemed to be truly happy. It drove me nuts that I couldn’t make you happy, no matter what I did. I could sense that there was something else going on, but I thought that it was me. Not that you wanted to be with another woman. I’m not going to judge you, because that’s not my place. But, Tonya, if you’re happy, then how can I not be happy for you? I love you and I will always love you. And I’m going to always be your friend. So stop crying, girl.” At that moment, I knew that I wasn’t in love with her any more. I kissed the side of her forehead and pulled her in closer, trying to console her.

“Deon, I’m so worried about this. When I’m with her, it feels so right. Nothing feels better, but I grew up in church and I know the word of God and what’s in the Bible. I question what I’m doing. Are my feelings and my actions sins?” she asked, rhetorically.

“I pray all the time, but I know that I’ve always been gay. From as far back as I can remember, I’ve been attracted to women. And I’ve met someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with. If I haven’t always felt this way, why would I choose this life for me? I can’t ignore what I was taught in church. It’s not easy ignoring the people that stare at you when you’re walking down the street holding hands with another woman, or when you’re snuggling at a restaurant, in a movie theatre or wherever. I’m so confused, Deon. I just don’t know what to do!” She put her elbows on the table and covered her face with both of her hands.

“Tee, I can’t say if what you’re doing is right or wrong. I can’t be the judge of that, no one can. I just want you to be happy. All you can do is pray on it and do what makes you happy and that’s all that matters. Continue to treat people right and live your life right and pray. The answers will come to you. I’ll always be here if you need to talk. I’m your friend for life, no matter what, all right?”

“I thank God for you, Deon. You are such a good man. You can’t tell me that you haven’t met a girl that’s piqued your interest,” she said, wiping her face with her napkin. I moved back over to my side of the table because the waitress brought our food. I grabbed a crab leg and started to crack it open with a sly grin on my face.

“Don’t ignore my question, Deon,” Tonya said, mixing sour cream into her baked potato with her fork.

“To be honest, there was someone that I was feeling, but it never got that far. I can’t get her off my damned mind, though.” It felt good talking to Tonya. It was like old times. There was nothing that I couldn’t or wouldn’t tell her. If God placed her in my life to be just my friend, then I could accept that fully.

For the first time since hearing Byron’s account of what happened between him and Simone, I repeated the story to Tonya. I would have never guessed that Simone was the type of woman that would set a man up to sue him and try to ruin his career. I’ve never known Byron to hit women, so if Simone turned up with some bruises and a couple of broken bones, there was no telling how she got them. I just can’t believe that my boy would do something like that. I guessed that explained how she was able to spend money on clothes like she did, drive the car that she does and have a ‘fat savings account’ as she put it. It was all Bryon’s money and she got it by being a snake! I gave Tonya the complete history on my relationship with Simone Johnson from the beginning when I was chasing her, to the end when I ran into Byron, knowing she would give me her honest opinion.

“Deon, Deon, Deon. I don’t know why you sat there and believed everything that Byron told you about that girl! You know I know Byron Boyd. I’ve known him as long as you have and I’ve never liked him. You could have at least waited to hear her side before you erased her numbers. What? Do you think she broke her own ribs, Deon? If you had told me that anybody other than Byron told you all this crap about this woman, it would have been easier for me to believe. But, come on! Byron is a lying, conniving womanizer, and if you feel the way I think you do about this girl, you need to get her side of the story. Deon, at least give her the benefit of the doubt. If she had done him so wrong, beat herself up, broke her own ribs all to set him up, do you think that he would have even talked to her at the restaurant, let alone ask to talk to her in private? I don’t believe him, D. Something seems fishy to me about his story. Don’t you remember when he got aggressive with my friend? You have to trust your gut, Deon. You’re a good judge of character. You have to do what makes you happy…and quit being so damned reserved,” she laughed, flicking me on my forehead with her middle finger and thumb, like she used to do back in school.

On my way home from the restaurant, I called information and asked for the number to Sanctuary in
Los Angeles
. I was hoping Simone would be at the salon and was disappointed to hear the answering service pick up. My stomach dropped when I heard the message.

“Sorry. We’re not able to take your call at this time. Unfortunately, Sanctuary caught fire and was damaged beyond quick repair. The salon will be closed until further notice. We appreciate all of your support, you are all valued clients. We will do our best to continue to satisfy all of your beauty needs. Please leave a message after the tone and someone will return your call promptly. Have a blessed day.”

I hung up the phone, deciding not to leave a message. I was ashamed of myself for jumping to conclusions and immediately believing Byron before I heard her side of the story. I had gotten both of her voicemails the night of the Midsummer Night’s game and deleted them without even listening to the full message. She hasn’t called since. I’m sure she’s somewhere thinking that I’m just like most of those other cats in the NBA—full of shit.

Stacey

I can’t believe those motha fuckas done burned down the salon. I had to come back to this bullshit from
Paris
? I’m glad Simone didn’t call me and tell me about this shit when it happened. It definitely would have ruined my trip. I parked directly across the street from the salon and sat in my car for at least an hour, thinking of everything that I’d lost inside of that shop. I knew it all could be replaced, but I was still pissed the fuck off!

“Somebody gon’ pay for this shit. Trust me on that. Fuckin’ with my money is serious and fuckin’ with my girls is cause for death.” I said aloud, through gritted teeth.

My phone rang and I looked down at the caller ID to see who it was. I smiled because it was Tyron callin’. I couldn’t push the talk button fast enough.

“Hey, Ty, what’s up, baby?” I asked.

“Nothing much. Just calling to see if you made it home safely.”

“Yup, sure did, and there is already drama, of course,” I said, sighin’. I wasn’t really trying to be a drama queen. It just came out like that.

“What’s going on?” Tyron asked.

“Somebody burned down the damned salon a couple of days ago and it’s really bad. I’m so angry right now I don’t know what to do.”

“Damn, that’s some fucked up shit. Do y’all know who did it?”

“It’s between a couple of people that Simone knows, but they’ll probably never find who did it. I really hope they do, though, because if someone will burn down your shit, they will probably be lookin’ for you to do more damage. I’m just hoping my girl is watchin’ her back. I’m just so pissed off right now!” I said, rubbin’ my eyes with my left hand as my elbow continued to rest on the window’s seal.

“Why don’t you come over and let me cheer you up?”

“I thought you had meetings all day?” I questioned.

“Stace, just come if you want to come. Don’t question me like I’m a child. Evidently, I can rearrange some shit and fit you in because you feeling down. So, just come if you’re coming, man.” He replied like he was my damned daddy.

“Okay, I’m sorry. Damn! Are you already there?” I asked, soundin’ like I
was
talkin’ to my daddy.

“I’m in the car. I’ll be there by the time you get there. Come now.”