Through the Glass (19 page)

She finished off her wine and blew out the candles. The cottage wasn’t a scary place, but she really
didn’t
like the dark. Much the same as she really didn’t like flying. The thought of taking the job in New York preyed on her mind for a few moments until she pushed that aside too. She went upstairs, and finding that Jim had finished, she climbed into the shower. The bathroom was still steamy. Once finished, she tiptoed along the short hallway, opened the door, and slipped into bed, naked. Beside Jim.

Chapter 14

When Felicity awoke she was alone. She felt a little disappointed, as she had rather hoped for a repeat of last night’s passionate lovemaking. Because that’s what it had been…hadn’t it? She heard Jim clattering about downstairs. She guessed he was in need of a hearty breakfast after the night before and smiled at the delectable memories as she stretched. She refused to think there could possibly be any other reason for his absence.

Once she had showered and dressed in a comfy sweater and jeans, she went downstairs to where he stood. He was at the sink finishing off the dishes from their wonderful evening together. She slid her arms around his waist and kissed his shoulder.

“Good morning, you,” she whispered, nuzzling into him.

“Oh…good morning, Felicity,” he replied rather stoically. She felt him tense under her arms. He paused, keeping very still as if afraid to move. “I’ve made…some porridge. It’s keeping warm on the cooker.” He pointed in the direction of the stove. “There’s syrup…or…or I have jam?”

“Oooh, yummy. Thank you.” She felt his eyes on her as she almost skipped over to the cooker and dished some of the gooey mixture into the bowl that he had left out for her. She drizzled golden syrup on top and sat down at the table. “So…did you sleep well?” She grinned.

His face remained the usual impassive mask. “Aye…I did, thanks. Ahem…what time are you setting off?” he asked avoiding eye contact. He took a sip of the coffee in his mug.

She stopped eating and looked up at him. “Oh…I…erm… Oh,” was all the response she could manage. She bit her lip as confusion and embarrassment washed over her whole body, followed by hurt. She felt her cheeks heat.

“It’s just that it’s eight o’clock now, and I think you should get a good run at it…you know…so you don’t get caught in traffic,” Jim stated, rubbing his forehead and appearing unsettled by her reaction.

Her eyes began to sting yet again. “Yes…yes…I suppose I should get going.” She stood to leave the room. Her chest hurt and she felt light headed.

“Are you okay? You’ve gone pale.” Jim’s face was filled with concern.  

She nodded vehemently. “Yes…I feel a bit…dizzy that’s all. I think I stood up too quickly.”

Jim nodded his understanding. “Aye…well finish your porridge. You can’t leave on an empty stomach, eh?”

“Suddenly, I’m not hungry anymore.” She left the room and went upstairs.

She sat on the edge of the bed, feeling a mixture of anger, pain, and sadness. He didn’t get it. But how could he? He was so fucking dense! Maybe it had meant nothing to him? The anger began to rise inside her as she grabbed her things together. She stomped downstairs, dragging her case behind her.

Jim was standing in the lounge, leaning on the mantle when she entered the room. He looked up and met her gaze. She couldn’t read the emotion she saw there. Was it regret? Was he about to ask her to stay?

Staying as calm as she possibly could, she kept eye contact. “Right…I’ll be going. You don’t have to put up with me any longer,” she stated coldly.

“It was no bother really.” His smile did not arrive at his eyes.

She turned to leave but stopped with her back to him. “Just answer me one thing, Jim… Why did you make love to me last night?” Tears of anger combined with hurt welled in her eyes, causing her vision to blur.

Jim frowned as he stood up straight, his fists clenched by his sides. “You were leaving anyway, Felicity. You have a life to go back to.” His frown deepened. “And…isn’t…isn’t that how you and I say goodbye?” She turned to look at him. He actually looked confused. She took a deep breath.
Revenge
.
Of course. It was revenge
. How cold and calculating could a man be?

“You…you bastard,” she whispered. “I never thought you were the kind of person to keep score. You’ve been waiting for this opportunity…haven’t you?” She began to physically shake. The tears overflowed but she didn’t care anymore.

He held his hands up in surrender and stepped toward her. “No…no, Flick. That’s not—”

“Save your breath,
James
,” she interrupted, uninterested in any pathetic explanation he had to offer. “That’s how you want to play it? Fine. I’ll be sure not to think of you when I’m in New York. I mean…why would I waste my time?” She opened the door and stormed out without looking back.

~~~~~

Jim stood frozen to the spot. He was completely baffled.
What the fuck just happened?
He couldn’t understand her reaction. She didn’t love him…did she? No!
She
had left
him
.
She only came here out of guilt! Last night was about history and pent up feelings of lust…it was about goodbye…not love.
He snapped to his senses and was determined to stomp to the car and have this out with her.
She left me, for fuck’s sake!
How dare she act like I’m the one in the fucking wrong?
When he arrived at the curb, she was half way up the road, driving much too fast. He watched until she was out of sight and then he went back inside and slumped onto the sofa.

“I just don’t get it,” he told Jasper. “
She
left
me
and now
I
feel like shit? I just don’t understand, Jasper. We both wanted that intimacy last night. I’ve been fucking
dreaming
about her, for fuck’s sake. I could tell she wanted it, too.
Just sex
…that’s all she wanted. She made it clear when she left me the first time that she didn’t
love
me,” he rambled at the dog who looked on with his ears back as if unsure how to react to his master’s loud voice.

Jim wandered around all day trying to figure out what on earth had gotten into Felicity. He vacuumed, scoured, scrubbed, and did several loads of laundry. Still he couldn’t figure out a plausible reason for her behaviour
. It’s not as though she came here to win me back
. He snorted at the thought. He decided to take Jasper for another long walk.

The snow was all but gone. But it was a bitterly cold day. Jim and Jasper walked up to the viewpoint he had shown Felicity. He felt sad as he looked out across the valley. She had left the painting propped up against the wall in his guest room. She obviously didn’t want it after all that work. But it was beautiful. He wanted to hang it but felt sure that he would be overtaken by sadness whenever he looked at it. Just as he was when he looked out at the real thing now.

He returned to the house after an hour and a half of brisk walking in the cold January air. The lounge was chilly. After he had built a fire, he went upstairs to change into his joggers and a sweater. Maybe lifting weights would help? Before he made his mind up he noticed the brown padded envelope on his nightstand. Picking it up, he examined it. It was written in Edgar’s own handwriting and had evidently not been opened since Edgar himself had sealed it. Jim took it down the stairs with him. Once he had made coffee, he opened the envelope.

Inside the contents were neatly tied with a red ribbon, rather like the legal documents of a solicitor. There was a thick wad of paper, which he presumed was the manuscript of the incomplete book on George Leigh Mallory. Underneath the ribbon was an envelope addressed to Jim, again in Edgar’s handwriting. Jim slid his finger along the seal and took out the contents. Awash with emotion, he began to read.

Dear Jim,

If you are reading this, I am no longer with you. I instructed my solicitor that no one but no one must open this letter, except for you. My dear boy, I can only apologise for the fact that, no doubt, you were excluded from my send off by my wife. It pains me to be sitting here knowing that this will undoubtedly be the case. She has some ridiculous notion that you are bad for my girl. How one could surmise such nonsense when one only has to know you to understand how much you cared for (and probably still do) my Felicity.

Please forgive Felicity. For she, too, has the ridiculous notion that my busybody of a wife knows what is right and wrong for her. The well-known phrase ‘Mother knows best’ sticks in my craw, old boy, I can tell you. The day you were forced out of my family was one of the saddest in my life and as my illness took over me my one real pleasure, apart from seeing my daughter, was awaiting your wonderful letters. You have a way with words, son.

This brings me on to the manuscript enclosed. Now I know you want none of the fame and fortune of becoming a well-known writer, even though your talent is beyond that of many published writers I have read, and so I present to you an opportunity to, ironically, become my ghost-writer. I would very much like for you to finish the manuscript and forward it to Geoffrey Haddington, my editor, who has been instructed to await your contact. If you choose not to take this opportunity, however, know that my opinion of you will not deteriorate. I regard you with the highest esteem and always have. Please remember that.

Now, onto my main reason for writing to you from beyond the grave. Hmm, that’s a strange thing to write when I am still here! Anyway, I digress. Felicity has not been the same since she jettisoned you from her life. I can only liken it to a light being switched off. Her eyes don’t sparkle the same anymore. She’s lost her…how do you put it? Va-va-voom! I have to say that is a word I never thought I would write! Anyway, I am digressing again!

A week ago, after I had been honest with Felicity about my illness and the fact that I wouldn’t be around for very long we had a heart to heart. I asked her to be truthful about your break up. Jim, she broke down and sobbed. She cried for about fifteen minutes and I just held her. When she had calmed herself down I asked her again. I would like to share with you what she said.

Felicity felt that she had something to prove to her mother. She felt that she had to be seen as a successful, wealthy woman who was going places. The crazy thing is that I already saw that in her. But her Mother, who has always been critical, had standards that she set which were impossible to meet. I know things about Penny that would make all of that seem a little ironic but I am sure they will come out soon enough, if they haven’t already. Penny, for reasons known only to herself, didn’t feel that you fit in with this inflated sense of importance she had for material things; and quite rightly too. You are far better than that.

Felicity confessed to me that you were her soul mate. You were her best friend. She convinced herself that these things were not important. She did so to gain her mother’s acceptance. I cannot tell you how sad and angry this makes me. I sincerely hope that Penny can live with herself for the damage she has caused.

Despite all of this I too must admit to being a fool for love. No matter how much my wife meddles and interferes I cannot help but love her and I know that she loves me too, deeply. I know, also, that she wants the best for her daughter. She is just misguided as to what that entails. I have spoken to her recently about you and think she may be realising what she has done. This has made her angry. But this anger, whilst outwardly expressed in a way that hurts others is only dealt with as such because to turn it in on herself would destroy her. The guilt she feels is eating away at her and she has no idea
how
to deal with it. I am sure she will have protested at Felicity coming to see you, through pride.

Now, what I am about to impart came directly from Felicity’s own mouth…she still loves you. I will write that again in the hope that it sinks in. Felicity
still
loves you, Jim. She has remained in-love with you all along. She just pushed the feelings down until she too believed they were gone. Her heart is broken. She realises now that she made a terrible mistake in letting you go but she will not and cannot bring herself to tell you of this as she feels sure that she has hurt you to a level which is beyond the powers of forgiveness.  And so I am doing so from wherever I have gone. I know you can forgive her because I have forgiven Penny. When you love someone as much as this it is all you can do.

Now, I requested that Felicity should deliver this package to you personally if you had not been allowed to attend my funeral. If she has in fact delivered it and she is still with you when you read this letter then please don’t be upset with her if you were not informed about my passing until after the funeral. I can assure you it will not have been her decision to not invite you. If she is still with you I would like you to take a long look into her eyes and see the truth.
You are meant to be together
.

If Felicity is no longer in Scotland I would like you take a long look at yourself in the mirror. Ask yourself if you can forgive this misguided young woman and if the answer is yes, I want you to get in that battered old Land Rover of yours and drive down to London to take back what should never have been broken asunder.

She feels that you and she have some connection that goes deeper than ‘normal’ love. She dreams of you often and a place where you and she stand looking out over a valley surrounded by trees and mountains. It sounds very much like some of the places you have described in your beautiful letters to me, Jim. You are two souls which are incomplete without one another.

Please, for the sake of you both go to her. You will never be complete with another. I think you know this.