Tight Knit (3 page)

I tilt my head toward the ceiling. 

“Yeah.” My leg bounces up and down, my heel slamming down on the tiled floor. I force out the memories, I’m good at keeping them at a distance. I’m good at keeping most things at a distance. Which is why I get so agitated when someone tries to dig up my expertly covered past.

“And you were given this sentencing in part because of the circumstances leading up to your arrest and in part because your grandmother, who is an upstanding member of this community, testified under oath and took full legal and financial responsibility for you and your actions?”

My head snaps up. My heart starts hammering again but not from anger this time. 

“I didn’t know that,” I lean forward and put my forearms on his desk. It’s Rawlins turn to lean back in his chair and cross his arms, resting them on his belly.

“Well, you are turning 18 in a couple months and will officially be an adult. I think it’s important for you to know. It’s important for you to know how much she sacrificed for you because she believed in you. You’re lucky to have her.” 

My jaw hinges up and down a couple times. Why didn’t she ever tell me that? I thought they gave me a lighter sentence because of
him
. I run my hand along my tattoos again and lean back. The tattoos my Gram had paid for, just to help me cover up the scars. To turn them into something beautiful. Meaningful. 

My fingers move along my forearm in a zig zag pattern following the lines of my favorite tattoo. The tattoo that means the most to me. 

It’s also the one people hate the most with torn and rotting skin being sewn back together with yarn from my wrist to my elbow, covering the hellish and horrifying imagery beneath it. To me it means the most. This is the tattoo that Gram inspired. She’s the only one who can stitch me back together. She’s the only one who’s ever tried.

I don’t know why I’m surprised that she would take full responsibility for me. 

I do know I’m doing a bad job of making it up to her. 

The rest of the meeting is quick. I answer yes and no to all his questions and I’m standing up to leave before I know it. 

Rawlins reaches over his desk and holds out his hand. I shake it.

“Well, you take care of yourself Lachlan. I have high hopes for you.”

I shove my hands in my pockets. That’s his first mistake. No one should have high hopes for people like me. 

“Yeah, uh, thanks. It feels good to be outta shackles.” I half-smile at him. He laughs.

“Well you still have a couple more support meetings. So you’re not
completely
off the hook yet.”

Ah, fuck. If there’s anything I hate more than probation, it’s my support group. 

“Yeah, I’ll be there. Take it easy, Rawlins.” 

 “Say hello to Georgina for me.” 

I just nod as I walk out the door.

~

“You know you spoil me, right?” I ask Gram over my steaming plate of spaghetti. My serving is three times the size of hers. She cuts her spaghetti with a knife and fork while I just scoop and slurp mine into my mouth. 

“You know you eat like an Ox, right?” Gram smiles and I smile back.

“I’m a growing boy.” 

“Well one day you’re going to stop growing up and start growing out,” Gram pats her small belly and I snort. 

“Do women always care about the size of their stomachs?” 

“Til the day they die, son.”

“Will they ever know that we don’t really care?” 

“Do men always think everything is about them?” She mocks. 

“Til the day they die, Gram.” I wink at her.

It is moments like this when I am truly happy. I can’t imagine life without Gram. Actually, I can. I never want to go back there.

My phone buzzes in my pocket, vibrating against my leg. I wipe my hands on my jeans and ignore Gram’s frown while I fish the cell out of my pocket.

Midnight. Last time.

The text has a happy looking speech bubble around it. There’s nothing happy about this message. 

“Your mother called today,” Gram says absent-minded. The words jar me from my thoughts and I tuck the phone back in my pocket.

“Yeah?” I don’t really want to talk about my mom. 

“She wanted me to wish you luck with your Probation meeting and that she loves you very much.” 

I roll my eyes and Gram glares. 

“She didn’t want to remind me why it’s my fault she’s in prison this time.”

“Watch your attitude, Lannie. You’re not the only one in this world that’s had to make difficult choices.” 

I hold back a laugh. Her choices were easy. She always chose him. 

“Sorry, Gram.” I force a smile and stand up to clear the dishes. 

“You may not see it but she loves you more than you know. Someday you’ll realize the sacrifices made in this family and you won’t be rolling your eyes like a little boy.” 

Rawlins’ words echo through my mind. Gram’s sacrifices. The ones she made for me. Those are the only ones that mean anything to me. Not Mom’s. Gram’s.

The realization feels like an unexpected punch in the gut. It actually hurts.

CHAPTER THREE

Talia

I’m stopped at a red light, one foot on the curb to balance my old Beachcomber bike and one eye on the flashing red ‘don’t walk’ sign. I have one headphone piece on my ear and the other off so I can hear the traffic. I slide my phone open and send Janna a quick text. She’ll get a kick out of this. She has been boy crazy since the first day of kindergarten. My hands are still shaking a little.

You’ll never guess what just happened to me…

I throw the phone in my bag. The light turns green and I continue my way to Vista Court. 

I’m in shock that Georgina tried to pawn me off on her grandson but now that I’ve calmed down a bit it’s more absurd than anything else. 

Lachlan McCreedy. 

On this, or any other alternate universe, us even being friends is a ridiculous thought.

It’s not like he’s
the
hottest guy in school or anything, but Lachlan is a big deal. He gets noticed. He’s a senior so I never see him, mostly because I make myself invisible. But everybody knows him, and everybody stays out of his way. Not shocking, considering his constant glare and those massive tattoos. 

I’ve heard Georgina tell stories about how perfect and wonderful her grandson is for almost a year and never ever would I have made the connection that Lannie was Lachlan. Never. 

It’s like he has a split personality. Or Georgina is delusional. Or all the rumors about Lachlan aren’t true. I don’t know which one to settle on. 

When I steer my bike up Deacon’s driveway, Janna is waiting for me. Her long body leans up against the oversized three-car garage making her look shorter and smaller than she is. Her red hair is wet and tangled around her shoulders. I’ve always been envious of her. I wish I knew what that felt like to be so laid back. Janna’s never stressed out about anything. I think it’s why we’ve stayed friends for so long. I stress and she makes a joke out of it. I panic and she distracts me with something fun. I get upset and she does that thing with her voice that makes me laugh every time. 

When she sees me she pushes off the garage and skips down to me straddling the front tire of my bike. I notice for the first time that she’s not wearing pants. 

That’s a little weird, seeing as she’s at my boyfriend’s house. But I guess she’s been friends with Deacon longer than she’s been friends with me. Still, a little weird.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” She shakes my bike gently.

“Like what?” I ask but I notice my nose is wrinkled and I’m glaring at her.

“Like I just hit on your dad or something.” 

“You’re not wearing pants.” 

Janna laughs. It seems so easy for her.

“Tali, I was swimming. Would you rather I go naked?” 

I shake my head and smile. 

“D and I used to bathe together. Totally no big deal.” 

We walk to the back yard and I lean my bike on the fence. 

Well you didn’t look like this when you were three,
I think, scanning her stupidly long legs, then push the thought out of my mind. I crack my wrists. I don’t need to panic right now. It’s not a big deal. They’re swimming. I trust her. She’s my only friend and she can have any guy she wants. They’ve known each other their whole lives. 

Deacon’s in the pool and as soon as I see him I get that nauseous feeling I always get when I know something bad is going to happen. Something is wrong with us, but watching him I wonder if it was ever right with us. Janna set us up. I didn’t want to do it. I’m still not sure if I’m with him for me, or her. 

Janna has her arm looped through mine and she tugs me closer to the pool. 

“You okay?” she laughs. “You look like you’re going to barf.” 

I hate that I’m so transparent. I hate that I’m so afraid of everything. 

Deacon looks at me, his arms crossed on the cement lip of the pool and his body floating out behind him. He has the perfect smile. Too perfect, like it’s not real. I always catch myself thinking things like that. How can someone like him like someone like me? It’s so stupid. There’s nothing wrong with me. Well, nothing a little Valium can’t handle. 

“Babe,” he says and I grit my teeth. “Hey, come in the water.” 

The sun suddenly feels a thousand times hotter but the water doesn’t seem any more appealing. The beads of liquid roll down his neck and muscular chest. This is one of those him-equals-better-than-me moments. Suddenly, my heart pounds.

“I didn’t bring a bathing suit,” I say, even though Janna didn’t either and that didn’t stop her. 

“Just go in your underwear,” he says like it should be obvious. It is obvious. I just don’t want to.

“No, I’m good. I’ll just sit here.” 

My breathing’s getting faster and I feel thoughts splash and shatter through my mind like the drops of water falling from Deacon’s frown. I snap my wrist a couple of times to try and shake out the anxiety. It doesn’t work so I sit and dip my feet in the cool water.

“Aw, come on, babe. Don’t be such a prude.” Deacon is sliding his hands up my legs. I pretend to adjust and pull my feet up and cross them beneath me. 

“I’m not a prude.” I glare at him. “I just have to go visit Nan right away and don’t want to be wet.” 

I’m being defensive. I just don’t want to. 

How does that make me a prude?

Deacon rolls his eyes and disappears under the water. 

Janna pats my knee.

“You want me to go with you?”

“Nah, It’s okay. But I should go. Don’t want to go too late, Nan might have plans.” 

Which is a lie. I’m with Nan every second that I’m not at home or with Janna.

I’m just really uncomfortable right now. The nervous vibration in my limbs is telling me I need to get out of here.

Is that normal? To be uncomfortable around your boyfriend? To not want to be around him?

 “I’ll walk out with you.” Janna pulls her legs from the water.

“No, really J. I’m fine. You stay.” I smile and hug her with one arm while fishing my headphones out of my bag with the other. 

“Okay, but call me later. You didn’t tell me what you meant by that text.” 

I had totally forgotten about that. 

I waved to Deacon and forced my shaking body to leave the backyard. 

Today is a bad day. Some days I can handle the nerves, but I never know when they’ll go haywire. When they do, there’s nothing I can do about it. I need to get to Nan. 

I’m almost to my bike when a strong hand grips my shoulder and I stop walking. Deacon slides his other hand around my waist and pulls me into him. 

“Where are you going?” He kisses my neck and my body goes cold. 

This isn’t right. It should be the opposite. His touch should heat me up. 

When we first started dating I wanted him to kiss me, to touch me. What’s happened?

I swivel my body so I’m facing him and he squeezes me tighter. 

“I’ve gotta go, Deacon.” My voice shakes. I put my hands on his chest and push lightly but he doesn’t let me go. 

“You spend too much time with your grandma, Tal. It’s kind of lame. Stay here. My parents are gone. There’s lots of stuff we can do that’s way more fun.” His hands slip under my sweater and he squeezes my hips. I shake harder.

I push harder, he pulls harder. My breath comes in quick bursts. My vision blurs and waves of energy crash around my brain. 

Let me go,
I think but I can’t say it. He’s my boyfriend but I don’t want him to touch me. It’s not right. My body spasms. I can’t stop it. 

Deacon lets me go and I stumble backwards into the garage, sliding down the vinyl paneling. I hadn’t realized I was pushing him so hard. 

“Seriously? Are you seriously freaking out right now?” Deacon glares down at me. “Am I not allowed to touch my girlfriend?” 

I shift my eyes away from him and stay silent. After a few seconds I hear him walk away and the gate slams. 

He doesn’t get it. 

~

I ride my bike toward Nan’s house in a trance. My stomach is still churning and my thoughts keep skimming the edges of panic over how he wouldn’t let me go, how Janna was in her underwear, how I felt like someone stuck ice in my shirt when he touched me.
Just forget it,
I think,
Guys are jerks. And perverts. It’s no big deal.

I press my feet to the pedals hard and ride as fast as I can. The air is cooling fast and I’m shivering by the time I get to Nan’s. I throw my bike on the grass and take the porch steps two at a time. I know Nan’s house better than my own. Kicking my flip flops off in the entryway, I walk straight through the kitchen to the living room.  

Nan’s sitting on the couch, her knees pulled up and her long arms wrapped around them. She is the tallest, slenderest lady I’ve ever known. I definitely didn’t get that from her. I’m short and no one would describe me as slender. More like Georgina. Soft.

A smile spreads across her face when she sees me. She usually wears her hair in a bun or ponytail but today the long grey strands are braided down one side. Her eyes are a little tired around the edges but full of life and strength, just like Nan. She opens her arms and I practically dive into them. She strokes my hair and kisses the top of my head.