'Til Death Do Us Part (23 page)

“
There isn
’
t?
”
h
e asked with alarm.
“
That
’
s bad news then, we
’
ll have to share our beer with the funky people.
”

“
John the Tripper
,
they don
’
t want the beer.
”

“
Well that
’
s good,
”
he said as he physically relaxed.

“
Not so much,
”
I said softly, the seriousness of the situation was beginning to break through the stranglehold the hallucinogen had on my mind. I grabbed the lamp and pulle
d the shade off.
I started to swing it around to
get a feel of the heft of it t
o see if it could do any damage if it came in contact with a skull, but unless that skull belonged to a squirrel I was going to be in a little bit of trouble.

“
Hey
,
man, that l
amp cost twelve dollars.
Stephanie
is going to be pissed.
”

“
Why would your wife care? And how do you know how much this cost?
”
I asked him
,
holding the lamp nearly under his nose, almost in accusation. I didn
’
t know why that seemed like such an important matter
,
but right now I didn
’
t have anything else to fixate on.

“
Stephanie
owns these cabins.
I
’
m supposed to m
anage them but I usually forget,
”
h
e said sheepishly.

“
So does this place have a basement then?
”
I asked
,
a
gain doing a pirouette like a drunken ballerina, but I guess that analogy is wrong because the drunken ballerina would still have been more graceful.

“
No
,
man, you told me we didn
’
t,
”
John replied forlornly as he grabbed the lamp from my hand.
“
It
’
s too bad
,
too
,
because I was growing some killer weed down there.
I even had a little rhyme, too, ‘The Purple cabin leads to the land of enchantment, smurple!’”

“
That
’
s how you remember?
”

He nodded.

I backed up
,
and two zombie hands h
ad sought purchase on my poncho.
I wrenched myself free.

“
We rea
lly should get in the basement,
”
h
e said his eyes wide.

“
I couldn
’
t agree more,
”
I told him.

“
Why not?
”

“
Why not what?
”

“
Why couldn
’
t you agree more?
”
h
e asked in seriousness.

“
Figure of speech.
”

“
Like an hourglass?
”
John asked.

“
Sure,
the basement
,
John.
”

“
Oh yeah, and you
’
re not
the
F
ed right? Because if I ask…
you have to tell me.
”

“
I don
’
t think that
’
s the case anymore
,
John. But no
,
I
’
m not a
F
ed,
”
I told him as the door began to crack under the zombie assault.

“
Good thing.
”
John moved a small throw rug aside. A
little
hinged trap with a recessed ring for a pull lever looked back up at us.
“
See
, I told you we had a basement,” h
e said triumphantly.

“
How big is this thing?
”
If the size of the trap door was any indication, we were about to be inside an earthen cubby hole
,
and I for one would rather have taken my chances with the zombies. The thought of
lying
in the dirt underneath the floorboards as zombies walked above us was sending me into a near state of panic. Zo
mbies walking across our graves;
something was fundamentally wrong with the whole picture that was flashing across my mind.

“
You prepared to have your mind blown?
”
John asked me.
He pulled on the small ring and
the door opened.

I was completely unprepared for what I was looking at. It looked like a rabbit hole, albeit a little bigger,
a child could scramble through comfortably enough, it looked
just
big enough for a male. I looked over to John who had a huge grin spread across his face.
“
No fucking way,
”
I told him. Now all I could picture was being stuck in a tube staring at John
’
s feet as we wasted away.

“
I know
,
right?! Isn
’
t it awesome!
We should grab some beer,
”
he said enthusiastically
as he hustled over to the fridge and started shoving cans in his pockets.

“
John
,
how deep is that thing?
”
I asked
,
taking a step back
;
fearful that it would suck me in and never let me go.
“
I have claustrophobia
,
John!
”
Fuck the
near
panic
,
I was in full blown
hysteria mode
, I would have willingly gone to the zombies at this point rather than deal with the wormhole.

“
See you on the other side!
”
John said as he quite literally dove into the hole. I expected to hear him start screaming
that
he was stuck or that the giant worm from
Tremors
was chasing his ass.

“
Great
,
Talbot
,
like you needed another fucking
reason to not go into the hole,
”
I said aloud after thinking about the movie that had scared the crap out of me in my youth.

“
You coming?
”
d
rifted up from the hole. I thought I was imagining it
,
but then I distinctly heard h
im
tell me to bring more beer. The zombie falling through the window was the last bit of motivation I needed. I screwed up royally and got into t
he hole feet first. I was death-
clinching the small lip of the trap door
as I
pulled the door shut just as the zombie inside crawled over to me, it
’
s mo
u
th not more than a few inches from my fingers. I was plunged into a darkness a blind person would have sensed.

I could hear th
e zombie scrambling to its feet.
I let go of the lip just
as it stepped on the trap door.
My
fingers were pinched a little bit
,
but it was nothing compared to the slamming of my heart in my chest. I wasn
’
t moving, John had slithered down the hole like a snake
,
and I was stuck fast. I tried to wriggle along, but my arms were pinioned above my head
,
and I didn
’
t have the room
to bring them by my sides and help me move.

I wanted to cry.
I could feel the walls collapsing on me, breathing was getting difficult. My next option was to push the hatch open and kill the zombie in the cabin, but I knew I
’
d never get out of the hole qui
ck enough.
It
would be gnawing on my face as I struggle
d
to get free. Die in the dark or have my face eaten, those were the two choices I was weighing out when John spoke.

“
You coming
,
man?
”

“
John
,
I
’
m stuck!
”
I screamed. The zombie above me stopped its shuffling. The cabin door finally gave way with a resounding splintering.

“
Did you grab more beer?
”

“
Would you leave me here if I didn
’
t?
”
I asked
,
truly concerned.

The zombies above me were
having a field day on the cabin;
what little possessions were in there were being reduced to rubble. I could hear the planks on the trap door creak every time one or more of them stepped
on
them and I sincerely hoped
they would hold up. I shrieked—yeah dammit, I shrieked—
when I felt John
’
s hand wrap around my ankle.

“
Did you hear that
,
man?
Sounded like a banshee,
”
h
e said in all seriousness.

“
That
’
s probably what it was then,
”
I said in a
near
falsetto voice, not yet getting my rampant emotions in check yet.

John was pulling me down the hol
e.
I was
trying my best to not eat dirt…
I was not succeeding.

“
Hi ho, hi ho it
’
s off to work I go!
”
John was singing at the top of his lungs.

“
You
’
re kidding
,
right?
”
I asked in response to his song choice.
I was being dragged through a tunnel by a trippin
g madman singing Disney songs…
with zombies above me. I couldn
’
t have made this shit up if I tried.

“
You ready?
”
John asked me.

“
For...?
”
I was beginning to ask as I felt myself falling. It seemed like I was suspended in space for hours, free falling through the cosmos, but now that I
’
m looking back on it, I
’
m pretty sure that was a side effect of the drugs I was on. The fall was no more than
six
feet
,
and I landed awkwardly but softly on some strewn hay.

The cavern—that was what it was—
was lit up with some small lanterns that John must have placed here.
“
Where the...
what the hell is this place?
”
I asked
, standing up.
I had a good inch or two from the top of my head to the ceiling. I tried my best to not think about it or my claustrophobia would begin to set in again.

“
Chateau de Simms.
”
He smiled, his face caked with dirt, I rubbed absently on mine realizing I probably looked much the same.
“
Come on, come on,
”
h
e said
,
grabbing my hand and pulling me further away from the entry hole.

The cavern opened up, the ceiling now a good
eight
or
nine
feet from my head, the knot of claustrophobia around my heart began to loosen.
The
room stretched further out than side to side, maybe
twenty-five
feet by ten feet. I was having great difficulty with spatial relations and the echoing was completely throwing me off, threatening to give me one hell of a case of vertigo. I could smell a faint scent that harkened back to days of yore.