Authors: Andy Griffiths
âYes, Principal Greenbeard.'
âUnless you wanted to be blindfolded, poked in the backside with a cutlass, made to walk the plank, and eaten alive by sharks, that is. You don't want to be eaten alive by sharks, do you, Henry?'
I felt it was a rather unnecessary question, but Principal Greenbeard seemed to be waiting for an answer.
âNo, sir,' I said, checking the office for a tank of hungry sharks with a plank mounted above it. It would not have surprised me to see one.
âYou know, Henry,' said Principal Greenbeard, âI run a tight ship here. And it's my job to protect that ship and all who sail in her from dangers, both from without and within.'
âYes, Principal Greenbeard,' I said.
âI need my crew to pull together!' he said, warming to his subject. âAll hands on deck!'
âYes, Principal Greenbeard.'
âWe're on a grand adventure, Henry. Let's not ruin it by fighting amongst ourselves like a pack of scurvy dogs!'
âNo, sir.' I wasn't exactly sure what a âscurvy dog' was. Maybe he was referring to Thief. Thief is a stray dog that hangs around the school and steals lunch bags from the lockers if they're not closed properly.
âMrs Cross tells me you attacked Fred Durkin,' said Principal Greenbeard. âWhat do you have to say for yourself?'
âI didn't attack Fred,' I said. âNot on purpose, anyway.'
âHow do you attack someone accidentally?' asked Principal Greenbeard.
I told him the whole story. About how Mr Brainfright had set the problem of the man and the wolf and the goat and the cabbage and offered a lollipop as the prize and how much I loved lollipops and how much I wanted to win the lollipop and how I used the blobs to solve the problem and how I'd won the lollipop and how happy and excited I'd been to win the lollipop and how much I was looking forward to eating the lollipop and how upset I'd been when Fred snatched it out of my hand and how I'd tried to snatch it back but I'd tripped and fallen on top of him.
âShiver me timbers, Henry, my boy!' said Principal Greenbeard. âThat's quite some story. I understand how you must feel. It's awful to have something precious stolen from you.'
âYes, sir,' I nodded. âIt is.'
âI know, Henry. I know exactly what it's like because I, too, was once the victim of a terrible theft.'
âReally, sir?' I said.
âYes,' he said. âWhen I was your age, at this very school, my friends and I used to pretend that we were pirates. Can you imagine that, Henry? Pirates! Hard to believe, isn't it?'
Sitting there surrounded by model ships, flags and antique pistols, it wasn't too hard to believe at all, but I nodded anyway. âYes, sir.'
âWe spent our lunchtimes sailing around the yard in an imaginary pirate ship,' said Principal Greenbeard. âWe even had our own chest of treasure, which we buried on Skull Island.'
âBuried treasure?' I said. He had my interest now.
âYes,' said Principal Greenbeard. âWe filled that chest with the most valuable things that we could beg, buy, borrow andâI'm ashamed to admit itâsteal. It was a treasure beyond compare, Henry, my boy.
Beyond compare!
We buried it on Skull Island . . . and then never saw it again.'
âWhat happened?' I said. âDid you lose the map?'
âNo,' said Principal Greenbeard, his eyes growing misty. âWe didn't lose the map. We dug up the treasure chest a week later and the chest was there all right, exactly where we buried it, but it was completely emptyâexcept for a note . . .'
âWhat did the note say?'
Principal Greenbeard drew a deep breath. He reached across his desk, opened the lid of an old wooden box and removed a piece of notepaper. He unfolded it and began to read.
âSearch the Northwest Southeast Central seas
Search upon bended and bloodied knees
But your treasure again you will never see
Your pirate gang is no match for me.
Dig for one thousand nights and a night
Dig for your treasure as much as you like
But of your riches you will only dreamâ
Greenbeard's pirates are no match for me.'
Principal Greenbeard put the paper down on the desk in front of me.
âSo what did you do?' I asked.
âWe searched, of course. It was clearly a challenge to us. We searched and dug up every square inch of the school.'
âBut you didn't find it?'
âNo,' said Principal Greenbeard. âWe never saw our treasure again.'
âWho do you think stole it?' I said.
Principal Greenbeard shrugged. âIt was obviously a rival pirate,' he said, âbut we never found out who. Our pirate treasure was stolen: by a pirate! We didn't play pirates anymore after that. It took all the fun out of it. As far as I'm concerned, Henry, piracy is just another word for theft.'
âWow!' I said, trying to take it all in. âWhere is Skull Island exactly?'
âThat's what we called the hill next to the sports field,' he said. âBut that's not the point . . .'
âAnd the treasure is still buried somewhere in the school?' I said.
âAs far as I know,' said Principal Greenbeard sadly. âBut the details aren't important. All I know is that I never saw the treasure again. Upon my oath, Henry, how I hate pirates! I vowed that day that when I grew up I would be the principal of the school and I would use my powers to outlaw piracy and make sure no student ever had to suffer that sort of loss or disappointment again.'
âAnd you're
sure
they reburied it?' I said.
âAs sure as any man can be about anything on this watery globe,' he said. âBut it doesn't matter now. What matters is that we put childish things
behind us and all work together to make sure piracy never rears its ugly head at Northwest Southeast Central School ever again . . .'
Principal Greenbeard rambled on for some time about responsibility, maturity and scurvy dogs but, to tell you the truth, I couldn't really concentrate. I was too busy memorising that note and thinking about that long-lost treasure.
And about how I, Henry McThrottle, was going to find it.
As I left Principal Greenbeard's office, it seemed like I was stepping back into a different world from the one I'd left. The floor seemed shinier than before. The awards and sporting shields on the reception walls were sparkling as if they'd been freshly polished. And Mrs Rosethorn seemed softer and, well, almost
pleasant
.
âMake sure you shut the door on your way out, you little troublemaker!' she barked.
Well, I did say
almost
pleasant.
I closed the door and walked down the front steps. I still felt sad about the loss of my lollipop, but at the same time I couldn't help feeling excited about the possibility of finding buried treasure.
Jenny, Gretel and Newton were sitting under the trees on the far side of the basketball court. Jack was using a piece of chalk to redraw the court
lines and mess up the basketball playersâone of his favourite pastimes.
âAre you okay, Henry?' said Jenny. âWe heard you got sent to Principal Greenbeard's office.'
Newton whispered, âWhat did you do?'
âI didn't do anything,' I said. âClive and Fred started a fight and Mrs Cross caught us and blamed me.'
âTypical!' said Gretel, smacking her fist into her palm. âI ought to go sock that Fred Durkin in the mouth!'
âMe too!' said Jack, who had finished annoying the basketball players. âAnd I'd come and help you . . . except that my hand is a little sore from all that drawing, and . . .'
âNo,' I said. âI don't want anybody socking anybody in the mouth. You see, Fred and Clive don't know it, but they did me a favour.'
Gretel frowned. âHuh?'
âWhile I was in Principal Greenbeard's office I found out the most amazing thing!'
âThat Principal Greenbeard's beard is fake?' said Gretel. âI knew it!'
âNo, not that,' I said. âSomething better!'
âThat he wears a wig?' said Jenny.
âNo,' I said. âEven better!'
âI know!' said Jack. âYou saw top-secret plans for knocking the school down and replacing it
with an amusement park.'
âNo,' I said, âeven better than that!'
âImpossible!' said Jack. âWhat could possibly be better than a plan to knock down the school and build an amusement park?'
âBuried treasure!' I said.
âBuried treasure?' Newton gasped. âWhere?'
âSkull Island,' I said.
âSkull Island?' said Jack. âIsn't that where King Kong lives? In the South Pacific?'
âNo,' I said. âThat's just in the movie.' I pointed at the small rounded hill in the middle of the yard. âOur Skull Island is over there.'
âThat's not an island,' said Jack. âIt's just a dumb old hill.'
âMaybe to you it is,' I said. âBut that's not how Principal Greenbeard and his friends saw it when they went to this school. They used to play pirates and that hill was their headquarters. They called it Skull Island. One day they buried a chest full of treasure on it, but when they went back to dig it up all they found was an empty chest and a note.'
âA note?' said Jenny. âWhat did it say?'
I closed my eyes and began to recite the poem I'd memorised in Principal Greenbeard's office.
âSearch the Northwest Southeast Central seas
Search upon bended and bloodied knees
But your treasure again you will never see
Your pirate gang is no match for me.
Dig for one thousand nights and a night
Dig for your treasure as much as you like
But of your riches you will only dreamâ
Greenbeard's pirates are no match for me.
âPrincipal Greenbeard and his friends searched and searched but they never could find it. It's still buried somewhere in the school grounds.'
âWow!' said Newton. âWhat do you suppose the treasure is?'
âGold, probably!' said Jack. âAnd most likely rubies, emeralds and diamonds!'
âBracelets,' said Jenny. âStrings of pearls! Rings!'
âDon't forget jewel-encrusted daggers and goblets,' said Gretel. âPirates love jewel-encrusted daggers and goblets.'
âAnd pieces of eight,' said Newton. âLots and lots of pieces of eight!'
âWhat are pieces of eight?' Jack asked.
âI don't know,' said Newton, âbut there are probably lots of them.'
âOne thing's for sure,' I said. âWhatever is in that chest must be pretty old by now, and old things are worth a
lot
of money.'
âThat's right,' said Jenny. âMy uncle found this really old coin and it turned out to be worth TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS.'
âTwo thousand dollars?' said Jack. âAnd that's just
one
coin! Do you suppose Greenbeard's treasure had coins in it?'
âHe didn't say,' I said, âbut given how much pirates love coins, I'd say it's pretty likely.'
âHighly likely, I'd say,' said Gretel. âAnd there's probably more than one rare coin. Probably
thousands
.'
âHundreds of thousands,' said Newton.
âMaybe even millions!' said Jenny.
âDon't get carried away,' I said, but it was too late. They already had.
âImagine how much fun you could have with a million dollars!' said Jack.
âYou could have a huge party for all your friends!' said Jenny.
Gretel punched the air and whooped. âAll right! Can I come?'
âYou're my friend, aren't you?' said Jenny.
âYes, of course I am,' said Gretel.
âThen you're invited!' said Jenny.
âBut
everyone's
your friend!' I said. âYou'd have to invite the whole school.'
âI don't see a problem with that,' said Jenny. âWe've got a million dollars . . . at least!'
âWhat about Clive Durkin?' said Jack. âWould you invite him?'
âYes,' said Jenny.
âBut he's not your friend!' said Jack.
âYes he is,' said Jenny. âHe just doesn't know it yet. And I'd have to invite him anyway because otherwise he'd tell his brother and his brother wouldn't like it.'
âSmart thinking,' said Gretel.
Newton was shifting around uncomfortably.
âWhat's the matter, Newton?' said Jenny.
âI don't want to be rich,' he said.
âWhy not?'
âAll that money . . .' said Newton. âHow would you keep it safe?'
âPut it in the bank, of course,' said Jack.
âHow do you know the bank would keep it safe?' said Newton.
âBecause that's what banks do,' said Jack. âThey keep money safe.'
âWhat about bank robbers?' said Newton. âThat's what they doâthey rob banks!'